So, the reason I've been evading my blog for so long has to do with a series of embarrassing situations which I haven't had the guts to bring to light. But the only way out is through, so here I am writing and admitting my faults and, in the process, forgiving myself for the choices made.
After just 5 weeks at the Montessori school, I made a couple bad judgment calls that got me fired. However, the circumstances involved were tearing me apart. I had been waiting for an extra hour and forty-five minutes for a child's parents to pick them up. I was going through a hypoglycemic break-down after not having eaten for close to 6 hours and I had no idea if the child's parents were alive and well or if my mom was ok. Neither were responding and I had attempted to contact my mom 6 times with 2 texts and 4 calls, two to both her cell and home phone number. Between all of that and knowing that I'd have to wait for an unknown amount of time in the dark and cold for a couple buses to bring me home, I couldn't stand my situation. After they finally arrived at the school, I packed my things, and went out. While waiting to cross the street, the child's parents pulled up beside me and offered me a ride home. I had a brief thought of the rule against this and shrugged it off pretty easily due to all the stressers. The next morning when the administrator asked how I got home, I freaked out; I was scared to admit I knowingly broke a rule and claimed that I went across the street to catch the bus. Of course, they found out the truth fairly quickly and had a meeting to discuss the repercussions.
For weeks after this went down, I've been trapped in despair, berating myself for being stupid and for not having a stronger ethical code. I wanted to tell the truth, but in my own time. Not when being backed into a corner unexpectedly. Since then, I've been looking for ways to earn quick money online and wasted a fair amount of resources in the process. Now, I'm looking into what feels like a black hole and I can't tell if I'm going to come out the other side thriving or sliding further into nothingness. I've become one with my bed most days, watching series of TV shows I've never watched but always wanted to, on my good days, I lay in bed putting out application after application on Sitter City in hopes of a steady weekday nannying job. I've talked to Panera Bread three times about getting a job there but to no avail. Everything is whirling out of control but I still have hope.
While house sitting over the holidays, I got invited to do a podcast and I said, yes. I knew it was something that would be important to do while I'm still searching for my voice. What I mean by this is that, when I was a toddler, I would get angry at my sister and yell at her. When she laughed at my red face and cracking voice, I would lash out and hurt her. Eventually, I felt so overwhelmed by the guilt of having harmed her that I promised myself, I would never be angry again. So for most of my life, I have never been able to stand up for myself. This means that I have been walked on by many without feeling able to advocate for myself. I would just take it and smother the rage I felt. I would mislabel it all the time and just say that I was frustrated. Sometimes when I did find the courage to be my own advocate, I would be shut down so effectively, I didn't dare try again for a long time. This happened in college after a family emergency got me rather sidetracked. In one class, I had asked for a chance to redo an assignment for only half of the points, meaning, if I had redone it perfectly, I would only get half of the missed points back giving me a C instead of an A. She was strict, so I tried this bargain. However, the proposal was shot down by the statement, "Well the syllabus says..." and I stopped trying to get an A in her class and just let myself fail. The reason I had messed up is because I had spent hours trying to find the directions for the assignment online and just couldn't. Eventually, I ran out of time and just had to wing it and hope for the best so I could submit it before the deadline.
Anyway, what I am saying is that this podcast may be my saving grace. It might give me a voice and a voice that I will actually feel is heard. I'll finally feel as though my thoughts, feelings and words matter. Sure, I've wanted to share my story, but it's because I want to reveal to myself and to others how many times grace has entered my life. I want to share it in order to hold up a mirror and help others recognize where grace has come into their life. Go out and reach for your dreams and I will start doing the same. For me, my new dream is to publish an autobiography.
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