Worker Bee

So, today was pretty crazy in many ways. When I walked in early, as is my habit, I noticed the place was sub-par. All the tables were either being used or visibly dirty and I had to watch some people look around for a place to sit then go ahead and settle for a crumb filled table and wash it themselves. I get so worked up when I see the state of the place when I walk in. Sure, I could stop coming in early, but it's part of my plan so that I can eat moments before work thereby putting off my next full meal for the whole 6 hour shift. Apparently the person on the dining room 5 AM to 12 is not available for my 11-5 shift which is why things are stuck this way. She does work, but it seems she likes to do all the other tasks before wiping down tables and it just gets under my skin. Restaurants can't be all that inviting if the customers are seeing a dozen dirty tables. I wouldn't blame them for walking out if they can't find a clean place to sit. Anyway, as I've mentioned, I take pride in how I run things so I get carried away when it looks a mess even if it's not my fault.

The day was also was a pretty busy Friday once lunch time hit, and due to the fact that the dish washer was given some extra tasks this morning, the dishes got backed up early on and then on top of that, he was sent on a couple of catering deliveries so we continued to be behind. A manager had to pitch in to help him out when he returned from the second delivery. When it gets as bad as it got today, the dish washer has me wait for an extra half hour or so before bringing dishes back, which by the 12:00 lunch hour that's not a wise idea. So dishes were stacked high in the back of the house and they were getting stacked pretty high in the front as well.

On the up side, I found out I will be covering someone else's usual dining room shift Monday and Tuesday which means I'll get more hours! It will mean I will only have Sunday off followed by a six day week and I'm getting up at 5:40 for tomorrow's shift. We'll see how it goes. I could definitely use the hours though and I know I can usually maximize my energy rather well.

Excuses Not to Write

So, between my birthday and now, many things have been on my mind but none of them seemed worth mentioning partially because they were negative events that my consciousness magnified into reasons to remain unhappy. For example, my old phone crashed and died and could not be "resuscitated" with a factory reset or anything of the sort. Everything that wasn't on the SD card that I bought while in a town in Northern VA, was lost, including hundreds of trail photos. On top of that, no get together occurred with my Montgomery College friends, the reasoning different for each friend and partly because I was busy spending time at a Verizon store instead. Luckily for me, the phone was going to be bought by my immediate family (Mom, Dad, and my sister) and I also happened to choose the one free phone in the store. So there was some good that came of it.
I also tried to rescue the photos from the phone's SIM card with the card reader my friend gave me, but the darn thing swallowed it whole and hasn't given it back. (Yes, I like metaphors. Sorry if I'm overusing them; it's the poet in me.) Apparently, I might have needed some sort of adapter before beginning. I have been unable to give it up just yet though.

Then this past weekend, there was a new family emergency involving the poor health of one of my siblings that involved a 1:00 AM hospital visit and a few doses of morphine. So I've been spending a bit of time processing these events mutely....which of course, for me, is ineffective. I need to talk it out or write it out but my desire to not sound like a whining child wins out in times like this.

This is why some of my previous posts have been without focus. It's difficult to pretend you're focused on something you're not so you end up with some bizarre outcomes when you try.

Orange is the New Black

I know I don't normally do this but here's another unnecessary story to fill the gaping void I've left with my countless days off. 

So for about a week I binged this show and then decided I had to quit. I got all the way to season 3 episode 12 and then stopped cold turkey. It's a pretty good drama but it became too much. The type of empath I am, I get emotionally involved in the characters stories. While watching Silver Linings Playbook for the first time, the last 3-5 minutes of video footage where they're going their separate ways, I started pacing and saying "They need to go back to one another!" I knew they would, but watching them walk away was agony. Even when re-reading Harry Potter, whenever Severus Snape or Draco Malfoy was about to humiliate Harry I'd feel the need to skip that part thinking, I don't want to feel that way right now. So, for the show Orange is the New Black, when Daya had her baby that she agreed to give up for adoption, and when Daya's mother lied to the woman awaiting said newborn saying that the child died...I couldn't handle that for many reasons. Not too long before that, for a Netflix binger, we witness the situation the baby would have faced if sent to her Grandparents family where they used a gun as a way to control the behavior of a 12 year old. So I had to Google the show to find out if the baby goes somewhere else and I find out that since the would be caretaker gets arrested, the baby has to go into foster care and that Daya's mother gets out on early release and starts searching for her kids and grand-kids. That was a relief to a small degree but I didn't want to continue. The fact that Alex and Piper are on-again, off-again after the the BS they put one another through is odd too. They broke up for what feels like the last time, but I don't feel inclined to find out. I'd say I'm a fan, but since I can't commit without screwing with my own happiness, I can't say that honestly. Don't get me wrong, I managed to stay up all night once with this show. Not entirely on purpose, it just kind of happened and that wasn't good for my health either. If you know how season five ends fill me in. I can't get there the normal way.

More Dog Sitting and More Work

So I'm dog sitting at the usual place but this time there are 3 dogs and 2 three month old puppies so things are much more hectic. We have to put out a lot of clean newspaper twice a day for the puppy play pin, then walk the dogs, feed all five of them breakfast and dinner, give medicine to the elderly dog and feed the fish. Lots of things to do, but it's a nice place to stay for a few days.

So, tomorrow, I have my usual 7 AM shift tomorrow morning which is going to be so much fun! Hah. On the plus side since the District Manager felt I spent too much time brewing coffee on Saturday mornings, I'll have someone working with me starting at 8. Some weekends I'll have to brew a new pot or carafe every 15 to 20 minutes. Luckily this is usually the case for only one or two types of coffee at a time. I was very glad that he appreciated my good faith effort enough to make that suggestion because I run around like a crazy person some Saturdays. And actually, I'm trying to work on slowing down so that I can lessen the risk of running into people; there have been a lot of near accidents but I can usually stop on a dime thanks to my "safe-step" work shoes. One other reason that I work so hard is because I enjoy it to a degree. It's like a gym membership that I get paid to join and then I, for the most part, sleep better afterward. and I've figured out a way to sneak to the back for a bite or two of some stored away food so I can keep going for the whole six hours Tuesday through Friday.  This job has allowed me to keep all my gained muscle mass from the trail and I know this because my weight has been between 122 to 123 and because my arms and legs are still solid. I'm sorry if I made anyone jealous by mentioning my weight, genetic disposition and the need to exercise. I literally can't sit around all day without feeling nauseous and as I've mentioned today, I like exercises and physical challenges...which you also could guess from the fact that I hiked the Appalachian Trail.

Speaking of challenges, hopefully, I'll get enough sleep and caffeine to get me through the day without feeling overly drained.

Sibling Rivalry with a Political Twist

So, today I'm going to talk about something I never planned on sharing but it has effectively wormed it's way into my head. My brothers were raised born-again Christian and believe the Bible to be an accurate history book instead of a book of parables and proverbs that has been translated dozens of times. It has caused a number of painful Facebook conversations, with one brother in particular, that end up miles long and go nowhere. We can never concede a "winner" unless you count the one who always has the last word. Mostly I let him because it conserves energy to not read his answers or respond. Plus I never feel the need to respond if I have no idea what he said; so we both can feel like winners. He thinks the liberals are the ones feasting on a diet of alternative facts while I, obviously believe it to be the other way around. He trusts the Bible as more factual than than he trusts the studies of hundreds of scientists from around the world when it comes to the discussion of climate change. And somehow he doesn't see what's wrong with having a President Trump. So today I sent him the video of a man talking about the changes in the healthcare bill as being the single greatest threat to his family with the following message:

You think Trump's version of Obama Care is actually better? He's been making decisions that aren't in the best interest of 99% of the US population. A clear sign of a sociopath. Literally killing millions of people who can't dish out thousands upon thousands of dollars to even try to save their loved ones and thereby stripping citizens of financial security. We've been living in a country where families risk ending up homeless to pay for health care and sometimes still lose their loved ones so they go broke and lose a family member at the same time and probably can't afford the funeral. Obama was trying to fix that but the Reps stonewalled him. So yes, Obama care wasn't great but it saved lives better than Trump "Care". I don't think Trump cares about a damn soul other than himself and to me his decisions prove it. If you don't see it, stop trying to talk to me about my posts. You can't/wont change your mind any more than I can/will and I'm learning to accept it. I hope you can too.

But, apparently he wants to keep writing under my posts because he needs to correct my missteps and help prevent me from spreading misinformation. Pah-lease! No one else I know believes they have to do that to their friends. I mean, for an occasional unintentional sharing of a fake article, sure. But this is ridiculous. I've asked him on more than one occasion to stop but he loves being the thorn in anyone's side. He loves pushing buttons until you snap. So again, I'm ignoring him. Something I learned to do with my sister years ago (only when she was intentionally bugging me of course!) but it's much harder when the person holds beliefs that are keeping America stuck in the past. I hope one day down the line, he'll see sense but I won't hold my breath. I don't want to block him/unfriend him because one, he's my brother and two, I don't want to appear to wimp out and let him win. But if my friends think I need to for their sake and for mine, I would do it anyway. It will most likely make face-to-face encounters more uncomfortable, but it would be easier to do for my friends' sake than for just my own.

I know I'm not the only one with a family split along the Great Political Divide, but I felt the need to get this out of my head for once. I recognize that we both think the other to be an idiot living in a fantasy world devoid of facts and I'm working on accepting that, and for me that means I need space from him. It's hard work to ignore someone like him, but it's better than engaging.

Work Ethic; Why I Work Too Hard

So last night's post was a prime example of why I don't write on the days I don't have ideas. It was meaningless drivel if not at least, hopefully, slightly interesting. I much prefer to have an intent behind it, a reason to be sitting in front of a keyboard besides to blather on. On that note, tonight I'm going to intentionally waste some time talking about work ethic.
I believe my work ethic came from fear of being seen as expendable. While at work, I become an obnoxious perfectionist in some ways while at home, I lounge in front of Netflix or YouTube despite the clear need to tidy up my room. Throughout school, I strove to prove that I wasn't as brainless as I sound when I have to read aloud. Despite reading on my own all the time, the moment I read out loud, I start stumbling through the sentences. You can imagine that since I felt like a pro at reading to myself, I wasn't nervous about my ability to read aloud until the day I had to do so. In middle school, I had finished saying the word photograph, then realized there was a "y" at the end and decided to just add the "e" sound to the end of what had just come out of my mouth. You can imagine how that went over.
Anyway, back to the work ethic I maintain at Panera. Since I had practiced running a two story Panera solo for a few months, this Panera feels like a breeze. Still plenty of work especially on Saturdays, but at least I don't spend several minutes a day on stairs or elevators. Recently, I had a new-hire tell me about how so-and-so was asking him "Why can't you be more like Charlotte? You're slacking too much. She's always in the dining room doing what needs doing." Why he was letting me know about this, I have no idea, but I assured him that I'm not working so hard in order to raise the stakes for others, but in order to make sure I'm needed or at the very least, that they see me as an asset. I want to do everything I can to make the place presentable to the customers continually. Not just when it's easiest. I don't want them to be sitting down looking at dirty tables any more than I want them sitting at a dirty table. They should be seeing me scurrying all over the place bending over backwards to make the place run as smoothly as possible. I've had customers tell me they miss me on my days off. It's important to work hard when running a dining room. If you're ever wondering what to do, wash the windows. If it takes 5 minutes for the coffee to brew, don't stand there waiting on it, go do more things. I always do 2 or 3 tasks and then go back to wiping the tables down. I never wait for anything besides the bathroom and I rarely check my phone.
I enjoy busy days because time moves along faster and because I enjoy the physical challenge of being everywhere at once performing various modes of damage control.

A Singularly Directionless Free Write

Lately, I've been practicing sending love to myself by picturing me at the age of four when I first visited my current parents at the house I ended up growing up in. Since I consistently notice how much my heart swells when I see children and how much joy they bring me, I decided to send love to my four year old self. It's easier to send love to the childhood version of yourself than to the one you see in the mirror. Don't get me wrong, I admit to occasionally admiring my well toned arms and shoulders while looking in the mirror, but admiring your physique doesn't equate to loving yourself.

Personally, I like to reassure myself that even though I weigh next to nothing, I could give someone the surprise of a lifetime if they tried to pick on me. In fact that was one of the messages I got at last week's healing circle. I was told that sometimes people underestimate me. That particular thought goes through my head all the time whether consciously or subconsciously which is why I continually bike without holding onto the handlebars. It's not just about showing off, it's my bizarre way to try prevent people from pegging me as...I guess I'll use the word soft... I want to continue to feel 100% capable of anything and for me that means that's what I've got to portray, because I want other people to believe it too. For most of my life, I've been worried that no one could ever take me seriously; that small as I was, I could be the perfect target. Has anyone else ever felt that if you couldn't find some kind of ace (or mace) up your sleeve, that someone could just pick you up and carry you away? I mean if you don't pose a threat to anyone, then anyone could take advantage of that and that's a scary thought. Luckily, I don't live in that labyrinth of thinking anymore.

On a higher note, I went to another healing circle tonight and got some good energy flowing. My state of meditation was deeper this evening than it has been and it felt so peaceful. One person said that while my hands were on her shoulders she felt like she and her chair were melting into the floor, my energy flow was so powerful. Now, the energy isn't taken from one person and given to another, we're conduits for the energy to flow so it's shared throughout the room and multiplied. It's not a finite supply that we're giving away which is why it's always very refreshing and rejuvenating. Each week I hear a message on how deeply connected I am with nature and that the connection goes both ways. They often see images of a forest with the sounds of birds while working on me. Anyway much of this has been on my mind and I keep asking: Who am I? What am I? I'm asking this on the level of the soul, not the physical self. What's my soul here to do? What am I going to be able to do to improve the life experience of others? I'm seeking the layers of my soul instead of the layers of my ego.

Favorite Fantasy Writers

When I was in my early teens, I came across a series called The Chronicles of Ancient Darkness by Michelle Paver. The first book in the chronicles was entitled Wolf Brother. Since my last name used to be Wolfe and wolves happen to be my favorite animals, I picked it up off the shelf in a now deceased Borders book store and started to read. With her very first line, she had me hooked. It read "Torak woke with a jolt from a sleep he'd never meant to have." That was a very clever way to get a reader to care about the main character right away. It takes place in a fantasy world greatly inspired by Native American culture and, to this day has been my favorite off the radar series. Her titles are also amazing and I appreciate the fact that she never puts "The" at the front of the titles. The books following Wolf Brother are: Spirit Walker, Soul Eater, Outcast, Oath Breaker, and Ghost Hunter. In each of her books, the chapters consistently end in cliff hangers and once the rest of the characters come in, she'll follow 2 or 3 for a chapter, leave you hanging, then pick up the next chapter with a different set of characters so the next thing you know, you have two cliff hangers to demystify and you eventually feel as though you might just have to finish the book in one sitting. Paver successfully made her story into a vivid dream as Anne Lamott mentions as a goal to have when starting your book.

The author Alison Croggon also has written a great series called Pellinor, but since I've only read that once, all I can say is that I really appreciate her unique take on a magical world and the fact that the heroine is able to fight the evil that threatens the land because the antagonists had assumed that her brother would be the powerful magician that might destroy them. I love when assumptions made based on gender are proven wrong.

Of course, as I'm sure you've been waiting to read, I also love J. K. Rowling's amazing series immensely and I think she definitely wrote the best double agent character story ever by getting the readers to trust Harry's instincts about Professor Snape. I love that she wrote such a complex story line that she had to write some story-line out of order.

Holding Fast to a Vision

Last Sunday, I asked the senior minister if there might be anything I should know going into my coming year and he said simply that I should hold fast to my vision and not let any wind sway me. Thinking on it, I was suddenly lost. Which vision should I hold onto? Going to school? Joining the Peace Corp or AmeriCorps? Or the craziest one of going to France to learn French? I've been wanting to become fluent in French and feel inclined to immerse myself in it. Although I took French for 6 years from middle school through high school, this is by far the easiest one to feel swayed from. Where's the money going to come from? Do I even have the skills to act the part of a miser in a foreign country for a couple months? Will it actually help me locate a more precise direction to focus my energy in. Currently all I know about my calling is that I will be working with children, likely children with special needs but when and in what capacity, I don't know. I was briefly working at a Montessori School and had thought that was going to be my direct line. Little did I know there was to be yet another detour in store. They say life is more like a labyrinth or a spiral staircase than a straight line, always circles and U-turns.
Lately, I've come to recognize that I'm still hung up on the outcome of my last college experience. Between the near loss of a family member followed by a professor who knew my situation yet was unwilling to lend me a hand, I can't tell if I failed to get my education degree because it wasn't the right time or if it wasn't quite the right field. I don't want to go into it again and fail again. (I ended up with a General Studies Bachelor Degree.) I want to know what I'm doing and where I'm going when I go back to college as well as earn the scholarship money. Hence all the big dreams of places to go and things to do. It's not only to bulk up my resume. It's to bulk up my life skills and to create a fully formed vision of what I want to do with my life in order to help children through arduous times.
At this moment, I just don't have it. I can't even pull my focus in to put together a simple party for the weekend. I just want new experiences so I've chosen to go with the flow the way I did in the White Mountains so whatever happens, happens and it will be beautiful no matter what.

Frequent Colds and the Elusive Sun

So I finally figured out why I'm getting sick all the time and why I had a long lasting cold the last time I lived where I'm living now. There's black mold in my basement. Luckily, I live in the clean half, but it's growing in the laundry room on the washing machine and in the sink that the machine drains into.
I know I can usually trust my immune system because after a foot surgery I had when I was 20, I was cooped up in a house where both my mom and my sister had an awful bout of the flu. I stayed healthy during and after the exposure. Since I started high school, I rarely caught anything more than a small cold or allergy related issues. The one time I had serious symptoms, it turned out to be a ruptured cyst, which is why I was surprised that I caught 2 colds in the last 2 months.
Black mold exposure causes cold like symptoms as well as headaches and chronic fatigue. Specifically, it affects your mucus membranes, so your eyes might feel irritated as well. Luckily, I did some research and there are ways to clear it out of your system without looking for prescriptions. I've already had 3 or 4 of them yesterday. Raw garlic and oregano oil are potent anti-fungals but they can also kill bacteria. Chlorophyll was also on the list. They recommend cutting sugar out of your diet and to drink herbal tea and bone broth. To get rid of it around the house, you can use white vinegar or hydrogen peroxide and of course follow that up by adding a dehumidifier to the affected room.

In other news, the last few days have been amazing. Having the sun out and seeing the beautiful blue sky, I was feeling rather euphoric that the rain stopped for more than 10 hours. The last couple weeks in May felt like April and it started feeling like the sun was a very occasional visitor. Having always lived in a state where it rains once a week or once every two weeks, it was depressing to feel like I was living in Seattle, Washington. I've been able to bike to work since the sun came out; I don't like risking splashing muddy water onto my pant legs while biking through the inevitable puddles. I might have even gotten a bit of a tan yesterday which is always pleasing since I'm, practically speaking, nearly as pale as Snow White and am so prone to sunburn I can get one while watching half a football game.

What to Write?!? Apparently, More on Writing and Hiking

I've been at a loss lately on what to write about. I know I could recite more of the writing tips from Anne Lamott or about how I don't know what to do for my birthday next weekend even though I have a few ideas. I want to do something with family and another something with friends and I always try to do new things each year. Nothing on my mind strikes me as worth writing about except the tips I read from  Bird by Bird so here goes.
Lamott wrote about how we can gain a lot of insight about ourselves as we write but she also stripped away much of the romanticism we like to place on it and on getting published. I'm very grateful that she does that because as with hiking a trail like the AT, you won't get very far into your first book if you've over-romanticized the process. When people think it's just a walk in the woods with only pleasant scenery, comfortable weather and perfect terrain, and when they believe they should pack deodorant, you question how far they're going to get. If I look at writing and hiking for six months in the same light, I can see that writing with the goal of getting published could be plausible but that it would help if I didn't think about the end result day in and day out because during my trip I very seldom thought about Katahdin and how I just had to see it soon or else... I just accepted the hiking and camping lifestyle as my new way of life until ...whenever. I never concerned myself with how long I was taking, I never felt the need to push harder so I could finish sooner and the Virginia Blues were not a thing for me. I couldn't have cared less that I was still in Virginia after a month, every day was a new day and they each brought new wonders every time the sun came up. The only problems I had with VA was having that unknown awful illness while scaling down Dragon's Tooth after hiking for 12+ miles and not having a view from McKafee Knob or Tinker Cliffs.

Anyway, here's hoping that my writing's worth reading. If I could get published great, if not, still great.  I've got this silly blog at the very least.