Nobody Told Me I'd Be the Crazy One

Thirty-four years ago,
I was born into a war-zone.
And when I got adopted
and left this war-zone
six and a half years later,
my nervous system never got the memo
and remained hypervigilant.
I remained incapable of trusting anyone.

Nobody told me I'd be the crazy one.

It was in elementary school that
I became ashamed of the fact
that I was the only kid to cry in class
and to do so over tiny things.

Nobody told me I'd be the crazy one.

Throughout my childhood I felt
perpetually misunderstood;
I felt like an alien and
always wondered what it would be like
to be the consciousness
behind someone else's eyes.
It bugged me that I could not explore
the world as anyone other than me.

Nobody told me I'd be the crazy one.

I grew up believing that
if anything bad happened,
it'd be my fault,
and anything that went right
would have nothing to do with me.

Nobody told me I'd be the crazy one.

It was in middle school that I developed
the version of OCD that involved
pulling my hair out.
I would know what I was doing
but I guess the self-soothing effect
outweighed my desire to stop.

Nobody told me I'd be the crazy one.

It was in high school I learned
that I was afraid of 'yes' or 'no' questions,
and would sometimes say,
"It doesn't matter,"
in response.

Nobody told me I'd be the crazy one.

I'm in my thirties now and
have only just recently
discovered that two fears
are running my life.
I fear I am unlovable and
I am afraid...
afraid of unconditional love...
and these fears left me stranded
within an illusion.

Nobody told me I'd be the crazy one.

I've been perpetually seeking
the "conditions" I must meet
in order for another being to love me.
I've learned that I am 
capable of mistaking
my inner child's survival
instincts for intuition
and that this error in judgment
can ruin relationships.

Nobody told me I'd be the crazy one.

I blew up my life recently.
My inner child took the wheel
and began sabotaging everything
without the inner parent noticing.
Maybe the inner parent wasn't even there.

No body told me I'd be the crazy one.

Looking back,
I can see the pattern
so clearly.
I have habitually hyper-fixated on
my mistakes and would imprison myself
behind thicker and thicker walls of
guilt and shame.
I've learned,
at long last, that
when we over-identify with
our falls, we will
never learn to fly.

Guilt and shame are
unnecessary chains...
even though we tend to 
believe that we
are imprisoning ourselves
for the sake of
those we have wronged.
I learned that
shame and guilt
will never be
what makes me a good person.

I Give Thanks Anyway

 I Give Thanks Anyway

My father ripped my roots apart before

I had even been planted

and then he tried to bury me in his hopelessness...

but I give thanks anyway.

My father planted shame within my heart,

causing me to forget my innocence...

but I give thanks anyway.

I give thanks because his actions required me to become light,

they required me to become strong.

I give thanks because his actions required me to rebuild myself in my own image,

for they set me on a never-ending scavenger hunt for all the missing beautiful parts of me.

I thank my father for teaching me how to rebuild my roots.

I thank my father for teaching me the importance of self-love.

I thank him for teaching me how to rebuild my sense of self.

I thank him for teaching me how to rebuild a faulty foundation

by cultivating self-trust, by cultivating faith,

by leaning on the power of the Universe.

I thank him for requiring me to seek an unconditionally loving parent in a God I had ceased to believe in.

I thank him for requiring me to earnestly seek my own inner strength, my own inner light.

I thank him for requiring me to find my own path to wholeness,

to innocence,

to profound peace

by seeking and reclaiming all the missing beautiful parts of me.

I express deep gratitude for his soul's choice to spend a lifetime in chains in order to teach me how to break free...

and how to become unbreakable.
The foundation I rebuild will be immune to earthquakes.

The faith I rebuild will be immune chaos, immune to entropy.

The form of self-love I cultivate will no longer believe in the value of people-pleasing,
will no longer believe in the value of an inferiority complex. 

I will have an unshakeable sense of self after reclaiming all the missing, beautiful parts of me.

I had to become the fire that kept me warm.

I had to become the light to see where my feet met the path.

I had to become the peace that could comfort my heart.

I had to become the love that could replenish my peace.

I had to become the grace that could save my soul.

Thank You and F*ck You

To the Department of Social Services:

Thank you for intervening in our care,
but fuck you for ignoring all the
crystal clear signs of my incestuous trauma
and fuck you for disregarding and dismissing
the concerns brought to you about this.
Thank you for sending us to safe foster families
and fuck you for sometimes sending us back
to the abuse and neglect.
Thank you for putting us up for adoption,
but fuck you for scheduling weekly visits with my abuser.

The inactions on your part caused us so much harm.
Even after the adoption,
I spent my life feeling as though
I wasn’t allowed to have needs,
that it wasn’t safe to express myself.
Even though our current parents are safe,
I have spent my life unable to come to them
about my struggles….
To the point that
when I found myself in excruciating pain
in the middle of the night,
I could not bring myself
to wake my mother up.
I was more willing to risk death that night
than interrupt my mother’s precious sleep.

Thank you for saving us,
but fuck you for your incompetence.
Thank you for giving us a shot at a brighter future,
and fuck you for giving us all so many extra wounds to carry.

Thank You Letter to God

 Dear Mother, Father, God,

I just want to thank You for all of the wonderful things you have helped me manifest so far! With Your assistance, I was able to start and finish the Appalachian Trail and just 18 months after completing the AT, I co-created an 8 month trip to Europe with You. Thank You so much for these healing adventures!

Dear Mother, Father, God,
I also want to thank you for the perfect living situation with loving and supportive relationships. Thank You, God, for leading me to the most wonderful place in the world with the most wonderful people and PETS. I am so grateful You were able to find a place that was bright, spacious, friendly, and homey. Thank You so much for allowing me to create a place that caters to all of my physical, spiritual, and emotional needs, including those of my inner child. Dear Mother, Father, God, I thank you for sending the right people my way to help me manifest what is absolutely perfect. This place is quiet and respectful at night and yet boisterous and joyful each day and for that I am so grateful to you, God. This place feels safe and secure. This place feels welcoming and is exciting to return to after an extended time away. This place is full of amazing people who are lifting themselves and everyone around them. And for all of this I am grateful to You, God. Thank you, God, for providing me with a place in which everything is in working order and everyone pitches in. Thank You so much for fulfilling my inner child's lifelong desire to belong.
Yours truly,
Charlie

I Choose Change

I CHOOSE CHANGE!

In the Past,
there HAS BEEN a recurring theme
of being disrespected,
of being walked all over,
of having my basic needs denied by others.
BUT THIS SHALL BE NO MORE! FOR I CHOOSE CHANGE!

In the Past,
there have been times
when I felt that my needs
were discarded as inconveniences by others.
BUT THIS SHALL BE NO MORE! FOR I CHOOSE CHANGE!

In the Past,
I chose to shrink myself
and disregard my own needs
in order to accommodate others.
BUT THIS SHALL BE NO MORE! FOR I CHOOSE CHANGE!! 

I will instead embrace a future in which I am comfortable setting and maintaining boundaries regardless of how others respond to them. I will instead embrace a future in which I know myself to be deserving of respect and will surround myself with people who love, support, and respect me. I will embrace a future in which those who disrespect me will not hold power over me. For I will be so sure of who I am as the beloved child of God, that their actions or inactions will not faze me. I hereby disempower the behavior of others and instead step into my own power with both feet firmly planted. I CHOOSE CHANGE!

What Does That Make Me?

Distressed, devastated, and distraught. 

My father was the product of trauma...
So what does that make me?

Some people try to tell women, "not all men"
as if little girls are never raped by their own fathers,
as if the number of free roaming rapists is small,
and as if that counted for something.
If there was one rapist in the whole wide world,
that would be too many.

It took one man, several generations back,
to create the child molester my father became.

Imagine a little boy that was born into this world
with all this potential for love,
all this potential for joy, smiles, and laughter...
only to have that potential smothered by repeated traumas.

Imagine a little boy trying to survive
in the war zone that is his own family.
He learns that the world is made up of sharks and minnows...
and he learns that the only way to stay safe, to be "ok",
is to prove to everyone around you that you are a shark.
And to cope with his unhappiness,
he expunges the happiness of others.

You see, due to this,
the good in him
never had a chance to be expressed...
The God in him
never had a chance to be expressed.

Now this little boy grows up
to have a family of his own...
and acts like his father, the shark,
terrorizing his wife and kids.

And when his first born daughter
is just shy of her third birthday,
he rapes and sodomizes her.

Now this little girl carries his pain
and his shame
in her body, mind, and soul...
and that little girl was me.

Distressed, devastated, and distraught.

My father was the product of trauma...
so what does that make me?

I RELEASE MY FATHER AND MYSELF FROM THIS STORY!

Be the God That You Are

The world has taught me that I am a small and insignificant being.
The world has taught me that my wants and needs
are not as important as the wants and needs of others.
The world has filled my head with the idea
that no one could love me
and that those who did were just an exception to the rule.
But my soul has found its voice and responds,
"Let go of the script and be the God that you are."

I have been taught that the world is too dangerous a place for me.
I have been taught that no one is to be trusted.
The world has convinced me that I must remain
unseen and unheard in order to stay safe.
But my soul has found its voice and responds,
"Let go of the story and be the God that you are."

I have felt powerless against the rising tides of grief.
I have felt overwhelmed by the unrepentant current of raging rivers.
I have felt impossibly small and terribly lost
in the vast and timeless dark night of the soul.
But my soul has found its voice and reminds me,
"Let go of the mask and be the God that you are.
Let go of the mask and be the God that you are."