More From My Internal Monologue

Even when my mind starts coming up with encouraging thoughts, it can create an elaborate monologue that is capable of keeping me wide awake. My mind keeps dwelling on not simply the BS that I went through, but how I pulled through despite the BS.
I moved passed a phase of passive suicidalism and years of PMDD. For years, I've felt small and insignificant among my peers since they didn't want to have anything to do with me and claimed that they could say and do whatever they want to me since "life isn't fair". Due to early childhood trauma, I occasionally acted out in class or would cry over a "C" because I felt thwarted in my efforts to prove myself as smart, and therefore as someone with worth. Despite what teachers thought of me then, I ended up in the National Honor Society in high school and got myself a full scholarship to Montgomery College. I even managed a semester of straight A's in college when I stopped procrastinating on every assignment.
In my last year of middle school, during a major school trip no less, my peers walked away from the table when I sat down to join them at dinner only to come back when I left. Granted, one peer who hadn't seen this occurrence, invited me back during dessert. This repeated experience drilled into my psyche that I didn't matter; that I was worth less than others. Not to say that I didn't have friends, but as I remember it, it feels like I had one good friend at a time. (One of whom I reconnected with and discovered she remembers me!)
There was a time when, despite waking at 2 AM from severe abdominal pain that caused me to "upchuck" until I got to dry heaves, I couldn't dream of waking my mother up to ask her to take me to the hospital. It wasn't because of anything she had ever said or done to me, it was what I had started to believe about myself that made me pause. "This pain is terrible, but they deserve to sleep; I'll wait til 6." I literally watched 4 hours of some show wondering if it was appendicitis.
Just 3 weeks or so ago, I finally internalized the idea that I have permission to be myself, as stated in my previous post, I believe. But the point still stands that I discovered my inner strength due to these hurdles. It's what got me onto and through the Appalachian Trail; it's what allowed me to save again for an 8 month trek around Europe and the UK.
As I stated once in a blog post long, long ago: "The sunrise/sunset is beautiful because of both the clouds and the sun" and so it seems is life. If I hadn't struggled so much, I wouldn't have accomplished these things. I hiked the Appalachian Trail because of a major setback. The best things come to me after a heavy storm.

Affirmations

Recently, during a walking outdoor meditation, I received a message that I wish I could have heard more often in my life. Even though I have always been un-apologetically me, the fact that most of my peers and some of my teachers wished I would act differently affected me and caused me to believe that these differences made me less deserving of love and care. This affirmation came with two phrasings: "I have permission to be myself" and "I am allowed to be me".
After so many years of being surrounded by naysayers it took a few years of being surrounded by "yaysayers" for me to receive and internalize this message. People at my chapel have provided a space for me to unlearn much of the negative internal monologue that has had power over me.

Fifteen Reasons to Have Faith in My Future

This post is more to untangle the Gordian Knot that has made itself at home in my mind than anything else so I hope you can pardon the disorganization. It is an attempt to leave behind this funky mood that I appear to have an unhealthy addiction to. Perhaps a part of me loves feeling depressed because despite all the positives in my life, I've been choosing the doom and gloom outlook. Part of it has to do with the current state of politics that seem to evoke a deep pervasive feeling of hopelessness. When I look toward the future, I see nothing. There are plenty of ideas flooding my head as is the curse of the Gemini, but none of them are settling in my head and heart as feasible options.
 
Things I Appreciate

1.) Me and my siblings adoptions
2.) My 2 best elementary school friends (even though I haven't seen them since)
3.) My tenacity and perseverance in ignoring naysayers
4.) The years I've worked with children
5.) My ability to be patient with children
6.) Volunteering with the Special Olympics for my birthday
7.) Seeing the Grand Canyon, Bryce and Zion Canyons for my 13th birthday
8.) To have been able to save money from an early age
9.) Completing high school after having learned of past traumatic events (i,e.-despite severe depression)
10,) Obtaining a full scholarship for my first year at Montgomery College
11.) Getting straight A's one semester at Shepherd University
12.) Completing a degree from Shepherd University after my older brother attempted suicide
13.) Choosing to start and successfully completing the Appalachian Trail
14.) Having been able to save money while working at Panera less than 40 hours a week
15.) My 8 month trip to Europe, the UK and Morocco and having money left over