Anxiety Ridden, Midnight Poetry Slam?

So I spent all of last night in an anxiety ridden state and eventually gave up on sleep all together between 2 and 3 AM. I decided to write out my thoughts and see if that would help. There was a modicum of improvement but I was still wired so, I stayed up the rest of the night re-reading and editing some of my old blog posts. Despite the physical discomfort of sleep deprivation, I actually got some shopping done today and managed not only to have a video chat with a couple good friends of mine, but we all put our masks on and went for a very short walk through Northwest Branch. My head was occasionally spinning so we sat down for a good 20 to 30 minutes. I'm prefacing this poem with all this so that you know I'm doing perfectly well now, I just had to de-clutter my mind through my writing.  And actually, to make the poem end on a more positive note, I just now put together the last stanza.

Every now and again,
I feel like all my flaws,
Real and perceived,
Are written in bold
Size 72 font
And my positive qualities
Are written in 9.5,
Making it really hard to
Accept the concept of
Self-love, let alone,
Accept love from others.
And although,
For the most part,
I’ve let go of and
Have forgiven as much as
Possible of the past,
It still creeps up on me,
From time to time causing
My heart to ache.
During these instances,
When my flaws seem too
Prominent and my past
Seems to rest
Heavily in my chest,
My ego poses
The nasty question:
Why would anyone love you?

And my soul answers:
Because of your heart.
Because of your humor.
Because of your empathy.
Because of your kindness.
Because of your love.
Because you are YOU.

Lakeside Meditation

Take 3 deep, cleansing breaths and if you feel comfortable doing so, close your eyes. Picture in your mind's eye a dense forest with towering coniferous trees. Notice how their massive trunks resemble the supporting pillars of a cathedral while their arching branches provide a comparable cavernous space. Even the leaves, with the sunlight pouring through them, look like tiny, scintillating, bright green pieces of stained glass. Take in this scene as fully as you can and breathe in the fresh, spring air. As you walk along the path, you come across a gushing, turbulent brook. You follow it a ways down stream until you reach a shining, rippling lake with cattails bordering its marshy shores. Pause for a moment here and breathe in deep. After marveling for a time at the view, you suddenly realize that there’s a rock protruding up over the water. Once you spot the vestiges of a path, you walk up onto the rock and sit down. It’s warm from the sun’s receding rays. As you sit beside the lake, you watch as the setting sun paints the clouds pink, purple, orange, and gold and admire how perfectly the water reflects the image hanging in the sky. Occasionally, a warm breeze fractures the mirrored sunset into mesmerizing, fractal patterns of light. Take another 3 deep breaths.  As the sun begins to sink below the horizon, a chorus of peepers makes their presence known along the shore.

Spring Dawn Meditation

Imagine waking to a cool, crisp dawn. You peek out the window and the sight makes you feel like a child on Christmas. As color begins to creep into the sky and its puffy clouds, the trees outside are dancing in the intermittent gusts of wind and the grass is glimmering with the morning dew. Caught up in the moment, you decide to dash outside to view the sunrise from the top of a grassy knoll. The dew drops are refreshingly cold against your bare-feet. Though the branches are still swaying mightily, the wind against your face feels like a gentle caress. When you reach the top of the knoll, you see that the whole sun is now floating orange above the horizon and its hue is added to everything; the leaves are a subtle orangey-green due to the rising sun and even the tree trunks seem to have a hint of blush. You close your eyes and feel the sun warm on your face and the invigorating wind. Imagine you're lifting your arms up as if hoping to fly. Imagine the sun's fire and the billowing wind are lending you healing energy. The wind is reminding you to view your hurdles and would be blockages to your greatest good as illusory and immaterial as the branches, for the wind never stops to consider that a branch, or tree, or house is in its way. The sunlight is reminding you of the light within and that if and when you let it, your inner light shines as a beacon of hope to others trapped in the darkness.