Insight and Humor

There's something that Stephen Colbert has said about his history that really resonates with me (he lost 2 brothers and his father in a plane crash when he was 10). He said he had to “learn to love the thing that he most wished never happened”.

I’m naming this ideation the taming of the bear that is trauma. Many of us know from experience that if you run from this bear every day, you’ll be mauled by it every night during the frequent pity parties you throw for yourself. We need to turn around and face it, embrace it with love and compassion, to forgive ourselves for allowing these circumstances to cripple our ability to show ourselves self-love and self-compassion. And to follow this, I am going to provide a way to practice seeing your issues in a new light.
Life is a delightfully, exquisite sunrise...or a sunset if you’re not a morning person. If this statement sounds misleading, let me ask you this. What is it that makes the scene so marvelous? Does the beauty emanate from the sun or the clouds? In my experience, the most spectacular looking sunrises and sunsets have a whole lot of both. There are streaks of light streaming out from over and under the clouds and the clouds are many different colors, and those colors are constantly changing as the sun rises higher or sets lower. The same goes for life. The colors you get from your bruises, whether to your ego or not, are just as important as the colors you get from blushing with nervous euphoria during a first date with someone you fancy; you can’t create a masterpiece without the juxtaposition of light and dark.
To improve upon this image, picture yourself as the sun with the strength and power to paint the clouds and send out streaks of light along the horizon. Imagine that the storm has passed and now you can create your own marvelous sunrise or sunset. I’ve chosen to use humor as one of my colors.

It’s awfully hard to find a date-worthy man when half the world has you pegged as a lesbian and the other half calls you sir. Don’t you dare start feeling sorry for me and what I’ve dubbed my safety features (short hair, baggy clothes, and lack of make-up). I thoroughly enjoy this version of myself and have found it quite hilarious to be mistakenly called sir. It has allowed me to envision my upcoming and highly unanticipated rise into Knighthood….”Sir Charlotte here to topple the patriarchy.”

Quick-write: Unwanted Boomerangs

The thing about a weighty past
is that it leaves you with a bunch
of unwanted boomerangs.
A boomerang of victim-hood mentality
A boomerang of fears and tears.
A boomerang of doubts.
A boomerang of anxiety and self-pity .
A boomerang of low self-esteem.
When they return there's anger and indignation.
For you were certain you broke the boomerangs
before throwing them the last time,
and yet here they are again.

Never Had A Chance

People often wonder why
I'm so far behind.
I'll tell you why.
It's because my starting line
was set in quicksand.

And after six years
of wading,
of straining,
of toiling,
of crawling
through the quicksand
I was finally given solid ground.

But I had never stood
on solid ground before;
so I constantly
doubted its constancy.

Can't you understand,
can't you see
that I never had a chance?

I never had a chance
to learn to love myself.
I never had a chance
to own self-confidence.
I never had a chance
to trust that I was safe...
or to even care.

I never had a chance
to believe in my worth.
I never had a chance
to believe I was wanted.
I never had a chance
to believe I was anything...
but a victim.

Can't you see,
can't you understand,
that I never had a chance...
and yet
I can't blame it all on the quicksand.

From this moment forward,
I will delve into the practice of self-love
until it becomes natural.
From this moment forward,
I shall cultivate my confidence
until it comes whenever I call upon it.
From this moment forward,
I shall step forth into my
newly accepted power.
From this moment forward
I will not allow my past life
to weigh my heart down with lead.

From this moment forward
I will see the quicksand
as something that has
bolstered and enhanced,
strengthened and fortified
my tenacity,
my perseverance,
my courage,
my resolve.

For if it wasn't for
other people's moments of weakness,
I would not have sought
my inner strength.

Show Me A Powerful Woman

Dear God, show me a powerful woman.
Show me a woman who
isn't afraid to speak her mind.
Show me a woman who
doesn't take bull from anyone.
Dear God, show me a woman who
knows her worth.

Dear God, show me a wise woman.
Show me a woman who
always follows her intuition.
Show me a woman who
knows when to stand her ground.
Dear God, show me a woman who
embraces her divine feminine.

Dear God, show me a confident woman.
Show me a woman who
holds herself in high esteem.
Show me a woman who
feels certain of her purpose.
Dear God, show me a woman who
loves herself wholly and completely.

Dear God, show me a lively woman.
Show me a woman who
shares her light effortlessly
with those around her.
Show me a woman who
inspires greatness in others.
Dear God, show me a compassionate
teacher and mentor of children.

Dear God, show me a courageous woman.
Show me a woman who
fears neither success nor failure.
Show me a woman who
walks with ease the tightrope
between arrogance and self-doubt.
Dear God, show me a powerful woman.

Dear God,
Show me
Myself.

My Vision for a New World

In our new world
love shall emanate
from every being,
for
In our new world
love shall be louder than fear.

In our new world
kindness and compassion
are a knee-jerk reaction,
for
there shall be
no place for hatred.

In our new world
patience and forgiveness
become second nature
and
there shall always be
someone to lean on.

In our new world
men willingly
let go of their
toxic masculinity,
for
In our new world
women are giving
boys and men
the space to cry.

In our new world
there is no shame
placed around one's
differences
and
In our new world
there is no stigma
around mental illness.

In our new world
there shall be no more
hunger or homelessness.

In our new world
healthcare and education
shall be provided to all.

No one is wanting,
No one is discarded,
and yet
no one stands at the top
of an hierarchy
for
the time of hierarchies
shall be behind us.

No one is afraid
of their neighbor
for there is no crime.
No one is worried
for there is no lack.
No one knows
financial stress
for there is always
someone willing to share.

The words shunned and ostracized
will lose their meaning,
their connotation
for
In our new world
there won't be a person
who remembers
what they feel like.

In our new world
there is a place
for people like me:
healers,
teachers,
caregivers,
mediators,
guides, and
mentors.

And no one shall be left behind
during this transformation
for
being certain that
everyone is cared for
will be our new
never ending project.

Discarding False Beliefs

One of the things I have learned recently is that for most of my life I have felt that I owed everyone the common decency of stoicism and I constantly fell short of that. Maybe I'd be stoic for a day or a week but eventually my emotions would come to the surface despite my intentions which created a lot of anger towards myself. What I also learned though, is that by the time I sprung a leak, I was actually crying for hundreds of reasons, many of which I wasn't even privy to since I could not remember my early childhood traumas. So despite the fact that everyone else saw a "sensitive" child crying over a simple C or some other small experience, I was actually breaking down for unseen reasons, not the seen one. If you are struggling to grasp this concept, here's another true image for you. When I was around 10, I took my first hour long yoga class and within the first five minutes, I was sobbing through the poses and within the first 10, I was sobbing too hard to perform the poses. In one hour of yoga, I only did less than 10 minutes worth. All of those tears had been consistently hovering just below the surface waiting for a reason, however tiny, to show themselves, to be expressed.
So when I learned of what I consider to be my primary trauma (in terms of severity), I knew with my whole being that I had been told the truth. Not just because of my "sensitivity", but for dozens of other compelling reasons. I compare it to when a child is playing with his/her friends and having a blast running around outside and suddenly gets injured. At first the child is too busy having fun and horsing around to notice their injury. But when their friends point out to the child that he/she is bleeding quite profusely and the child looks down, that's when they notice the pain. When my biological mother finally revealed to me that I am a survivor of csa, all of my insecurities and idiosyncrasies made alarming sense. I had even ignored the fact that I had been suffering from a trigger word my whole life. You could also say it was like having had stacks of evidence on your desk proving something, but instead of addressing it, you chose to shove the stacks of folders into the trashcan. I spent my whole life it such denial until someone placed a metaphorical photo in front of my face.

Sing a Song of Love

Today I seek out
the depth of compassion
I have for children and
send a piece of it to myself.

Today I return to
the deep well of love
I have for my friends and
my family and
allow the overflow to
come to me
in the form of self-love.

Today I seek out
the endless patience
I have with children and
apply it to myself and others.

Today I listen for
God's wisdom and guidance;
I seek out
moments of joy;
and I return to a
state of peace and tranquility.

Today I choose to treat myself
as I would a lost or misguided child;
for even a child in tantrum
needs love,
needs compassion,
needs patience.

All of our fears,
expressed and unexpressed,
are simply calling for love.
Love to heal the fears.
Love to dislodge the doubts.
Love to soften the anger and quiet the rage.
Love to lift the weight of grief.
Love to transmute the sorrows.
Love to soothe the pain.
Love to create stillness within the chaos.
For the ego, love is a lullaby.
So, whenever the ego
starts taking over,
send it to sleep
with a song of love.

Dear God, I Ask of You

Dear God, I ask of you,
please allow me
to feel whole again, to
feel loved and lovable
in this time of
isolation.

Dear God, I ask of you,
please take away my
fear of being seen,
my fear of being
desirable.

Dear God, I ask of you,
please allow me to let
go of all my past trauma.
I ask of you, please
do not allow me to
give the pain of my past the
power to take away the future I
desire.

Dear God, I ask of you,
please heal my fears of
harsh judgement,
heal the place within me that
feels less than others simply
because I feel things
more deeply, more
intensely.

Dear God, I ask of you,
please help me learn
to love myself and to let
go of all my self-criticism.
I ask of you, please
help me release my habit of
demeaning and diminishing
myself.

Dear God, I ask of you,
please take away my self-doubt,
confiscate my self-loathing, and
my habit of self-
sabotage.

Dear God, I ask of you,
please allow me to break
my habit of denying myself
of joy, of self-love, of
contentment.

Dear God, I ask of you,
please allow me to feel
your love, your healing, your
guidance.

Dear God, I ask of you,
please help me embrace
my power so I can
discover my place in the
world.

Dear God, I ask of you,
please show me my truest
and highest self.
I ask of you, please
show me what I am
capable of as I choose
to heal myself 
completely.

Freedom

I AM FREE!

Freed from my perceived limitations.

I am no longer bound by these self-made chains.

I AM FREE!
Freed from the illusions of guilt and unworthiness

and all their expressions of shame.

I am no longer bound by these self-made chains.

I AM FREE!
Freed from the false belief of my powerlessness

and therefore released from my role as the victim.

I am no longer bound by these self-made chains.

I AM FREE!
Freed from the illusion that my silence in

uncomfortable encounters will keep me safe.

I am no longer bound by these self-made chains.

I AM FREE!

Freed from the belief that suffering is not only necessary,

but something one must face alone.

I am no longer bound by these self-made chains.

I AM FREE!
Freed from feelings of self-doubt and undeservingness

and therefore freed from repeated self-sabotage.

I am no longer bound by these self-made chains.

I AM FREE!

Freed from the belief that I am unwanted or unneeded.

I am no longer bound by these self-made chains.

I AM FREE!
And I now see beauty

where I once saw pain.

I AM FREE!

And I now feel found

where I once felt lost.

I AM FREE!

And I now hear words of comfort

where I once heard the dissonance of fears.

I AM FREE!

And I now have faith and hope

where I once held despair.