I Didn't Know I Was Loved

Thanks to my trauma,
I didn't know I was loved.
I had always felt more like
the gum removed from someone's shoe....
since I let people walk all over me.
I felt like a tissue that's been sneezed in
that no one wants to touch.

I didn't know I was loved.
I had always felt unwanted and in the way.
But now I know the truth.
Now I feel the truth. 
I can truly feel the love
others have for me now
in a way that was impossible before.

I had felt as though no one could love me
as a person with such a complicated history
and when people would remind me they loved me,
I'd struggle to believe them.
Not because I saw them as liars
in any sense of the word,
but because my ego could not see me
as deserving of even an ounce of it.

And now a major barrier has been lifted
and I can sense and feel the profound love
that others have professed to me.
I now believe them and can experience
the joy and ecstasy that comes from
one's awareness of and acceptance of love.

I Didn't Meet God in a Church

I didn't meet God in a church.
Oh, I went to church growing up,
but I never saw God there...
only questions.

Questions like:
If God exists, then why does he let bad things happen all the time?
If God exists, why can't he save children from their abusers?
And when I learned of my own trauma...
if God exists, then why did he let me suffer?
Why did he let me forget I was loved?
Why did he let me forget my innocence?
Why did he let my father take my inner peace
and replace it with terror?

But in the end, I did eventually meet God.
I met God in Mother Nature.
I met God in the mountains
and She reminded me that I am powerful.
I met God in the evergreens
and She reminded me
that I, too, could remain green through the winters.
And I met the God within me
and was reminded of my deeper purpose.

Unconquerable

After living through the unbearable,
after going through the unimaginable,
I learned I was unconquerable.

I learned I was strong enough to be a survivor,
strong enough to be a healer,
strong enough to transform my suffering
into deep compassion and empathy for others.

I learned I was strong enough to grow,
strong enough to let it all go,
strong enough to show up for myself,
to wade through the melancholic mire.

I learned that my light
could still shine bright,
could still illuminate the night.

Another Day of Surrender

    Today is another day to surrender. All of the tough emotions came to the surface again today. Every time I feel over it, it hits me all over again. In the scheme of things, my history doesn't matter. In the scheme of things, my story is one that is shared by all of humanity...especially if you believe in past lives... I think it's reasonable to conclude that all of us have been through everything and maybe all of us have been the villain at one point or another. I have a hard time with that piece of it because I can't imagine a life in which I'd want to harm other beings. But I guess one of the ways a lot of people are able to hurt others is that they are unaware of how much their actions/behaviors harm those around them. And as for the physical and sexual violence, the person would be unable to see the humanity in others...including themselves.

Where Did All the Words Go?

I'm going to try to put to words what the last 10 or so weeks felt like when I sat down to write.

I sit down, close my eyes,
and dive deep within myself
searching for inspiration.

What I find instead...
grief,
pain,
and sorrow so profound, so oppressive,
no words could possibly encompass
the overwhelming melancholy.

In the pitch-black feelings, I could find no words.
My first instinct was to run from it, and I did so for a while.
No sitting down to meditate. No prayer calls. No stillness.

Eventually, I recognized my need to face it.
So I sat with it, waiting for the state of overwhelm to end.
When it refused to subside,
I chose to escape again through work,
through TV shows,
or with sleep.

I figured when the time was right, I'd begin writing again. But I admit, it took longer than I thought. Even now, I feel rusty. I feel like the words are hard to come by....like they don't want to be found. But I'm ready to try. I'm ready to begin my daily practice again. 

A State of Surrender

I place myself in a state of surrender, O’ God;
I surrender my pain to You.

I place myself in a state of surrender, O’ God;
I surrender my sorrows to You.

I place myself in a state of surrender, O’ God;
I surrender my grief to You.

I place myself in a state of surrender, O’ God;
I surrender my story to You.

I place myself in a state of openness;
I open to receive Your love, O’ God.

I place myself in a state of openness;
I open to receive Your grace, O’ God.

I place myself in a state of openness;
I open to receive Your peace, O’ God.

I place myself in a state of openness;
I open to receive Your light, O’ God.

I am ready for a higher vision, God.
I am ready for a higher vibration, God.
I am ready for a higher state of mind, God.
I am ready to live, to thrive, to experience bliss.

I am ready to release my burdens to You, God,
and replace them with Your abundant power.
I am ready to release my worries to You, God,
and replace them with Your thrilling joys.
I am ready to experience complete faith in myself.
I am ready to experience the complete freedom
that comes from my awareness of my power as God’s beloved child.

I accept that God’s infinite power lives within me.
I accept that God’s infinite loving grace lives within me.
I accept that God’s infinite peace lives within me.

I accept Your protective light, O’ God.
I accept Your protective love, O’ God.
I accept Your protective grace, O’ God.

In Homage to My Grandfather

    My family was finally able to hold a memorial service for my grandfather a couple days ago and I had prepared a poem to read for it and, to my great relief, it was really well received. As is often the case when I write, since I know my ideas aren't always new, I get concerned that my words will come across as cheesy. But anyway, now that the day has passed, I feel it is appropriate to share it here.

Over the last several days I have been writing letters to my grandfather, so that I might feel his presence more fully with each stroke of my pen.

It took a few days of pouring my grief out to him before I could feel the connection between my heart and his soul.
And this is what he shared with me.

I’ll live on in your heart
and speak through your generosity.
I’ll live on in your mind
and speak through your love.

Don’t doubt my presence.
I am embracing each of you
with unbridled love at all times.
I may not be “here”
in a way that you’d easily perceive,
but if you sit quietly
and open your mind to me,
you will know just how close I am.

You may be grieving the fact
that you cannot hug me anymore,
but I assure you that I am holding you.
You may be grieving the fact
that you cannot hear me anymore,
but I assure you that you can speak to me
any time you please, and I will hear you.
You may be grieving the fact
that you cannot see me anymore,
but I can see you.

I can still see you.
I can still hear you.
And I can still love you.

I may be gone,
but you will each keep me alive
in your own way
with your own memories
and with your own heart.

He also says thank you to all of you for adding such richness to his life. For gifting him with such kindness. He’s grateful, truly grateful, for all the ways you showed him your love.

We may not be able to physically resurrect my grandfather, but we can immortalize him by living the way he did.