Off To The Land Of Healing

I close my eyes
And see an open doorway.
There is a soft golden light
Shimmering, pouring through,
Yet beyond that
What lies upon the other side
Remains a mystery.

A voice calls my name...
Not one I've ever used,
Yet I know it to be mine.
My footsteps slow,
I walk through the light,
I walk through the door.

Now that I can see,
I pause in delight.
There is an endless
Mirror of water,
Reflecting a golden sky.
Beams of light
stretch from behind
cumulus gold-leaf clouds.

Not far from where I stand,
There is an elegant
Yet colossal, polished
Wooden boat,
With a towering sail.
Concentric circles
Dance upon the water,
'Round and 'round the ship.

I briefly close my eyes,
With a wish upon my heart.
And when I open them again,
I give a little start.
For I am now,
Standing on a wooden deck,
Overlooking the calmest,
And most tranquil waters
I have ever seen.

I have been here before,
But only in my dreams.
So I know now
What I must do.
I sit upon the deck,
And close my eyes once more.
I send out a silent call
To all souls seeking solace.

In mere moments,
I can sense
That I am not alone.
My friends and fellow survivors
Have crowded 'round
And filled the boat in its entire.
Now that we are all together,
We shall start a journey grand.

We share an intuitive realization
That our combined intention
Will be enough to guide the sails.
We're off to the land of healing
And as we set our course
We know with all our hearts
That each and every nightmare
Shall be unburdened,
left behind,
forgotten.

Not Broken

My history has led me

To believe that I am broken.

My history has led me

To believe that I am never safe.

My story is that of a little girl

Born into the world

To parents who could not express love...

Because they too,

felt broken,

Because they too,

felt unsafe.

And so the little girl

Quickly learned to hide away,

Gained the gift of silent feet,

And even reveled in invisibility.

She had done her best

To become a Nobody.

No one could yell

Or scream at you

If you were a Nobody.

No one could strike

Or whip a Nobody.

It was safer

To be a Nobody,

Than a Somebody.

But....

Now this girl is yearning to be seen.

Now this girl is yearning to be heard.

Now this girl is yearning to be Somebody.

And yet...

There are still times where

She feels too unsafe to be heard,

And feels

Too broken to be seen.

For what if,

She and I finally take off

The invisibility cloak,

And everyone turns away?

So I am doing my best

To assure her

To assure myself

That we are NOT broken

And we ARE safe.

I Thank the Fire

 I thank the fire

that greeted me the day I was born.

I bless the flames

that consumed my world.

I thank the fire

that scorched my soul.

I bless the flames

that laid across my path.

I thank the embers

that blistered my feet.

I thank the fire and

I bless the ache it left in my heart.

I thank the flames and

I bless the beautiful scars they left.

I thank the fire and

I bless the courage it showed I had.

I thank the flames and

I bless the masterpiece forged in fire.

I thank the flames and

I bless the fire.

"What is the Purpose of My Human?"

I've been sharing Hannah Gadsby's work with a friend of mine and in Gadsby's Ted Talk she poses the question, "What is the purpose of my human?" And I think that is the most relatable question I have ever heard. "What is the purpose of my human?" My human life? My existence? What am I here to do?

My friend and I, we relate to this comedian on so many levels. She grew up not knowing she was on the Autism Spectrum. (I found out right before high school and my friend found out a few years ago.) Gadsby has also experienced traumas and internalized shame. But our stories still pale in comparison to her's. Which makes her an amazingly inspiring person to look up to. She still made so much of her life despite all of the BS in it, despite the weight of her past. I know of the heavy emptiness that can settle into your heart when in the midst of despair over your own history.

So, in honor of all of this I'm going to attempt to do a "free write" around the question, "What is the purpose of my human?"

What am I here to do? What is my job? Am I even doing a good job? Can one be good at a job when they have no idea what it is? To me the purpose of my life might be for me to glean meaning from all of my lowest points and to use that to propel me into a much higher place. Like a sling shot... If I can dissect the pain of my past in order to get at the heart of it, reach its depths, and then find my way out of the darkness in order to share what I have discovered in the darkness. To share my healing process, to share how I managed to shift the way I saw my trauma, so that I could magically turn it into something beautiful. If I hadn't struggled through the quicksand and through the darkness, I wouldn't be able to guide others to the light at the end of the tunnel. What is the purpose of my human....to me the purpose of my human is to take what I have learned first hand and help others so they won't feel all alone in the dark. If my own darkness can help save others from their darkness, than I am willing to accept that sacrifice. I know I am not alone, but hopefully one day after all of us have had lessons on compassion, patience, and love, there won't be anymore children, teens, or adults abused and traumatized by other humans. Hopefully one day we will all see each other's humanity and treat each other with kindness above all else.

Playing with Dolphins

 Close your eyes and take 3 deep breaths. Place your hands over your heart and take a moment to see if you can feel the steady rhythm of your heartbeat. While you breathe slowly in and out, you may feel your lungs move in synchronistic response to the contractions of your heart. With your feet placed firmly on the ground and your hands placed over your sternum, chant the mantra Ohm three times.

Imagine you are standing beside the ocean on white sand so soft, it might as well be the dry dust that lay thick upon a beaten path. The arcing blue waves are crashing upon the shore with the same steady rhythm of your heart and the rippling water that stretches endlessly towards the horizon appears to be full of twinkling stars due to the sun’s rays. You approach the ocean and when your feet sink into the wet sand, you flex your toes to savor the sensation. Bubbles continually surface everytime a wave recedes, making it seem as though there must be critters beneath the sand. As you walk along the shore, you spot colorful seashells and the footprints of seagulls. A particularly impressive wave tumbles on to the shore splashing your feet and ankles. The water is just the right temperature; cool enough to be refreshing, but not so cold as to be jarring. You decide to wade into the water a bit farther so that it hovers right around your knees. As you look out upon the ocean, you notice dolphins playing in the waves. They are jumping joyfully and with ease through the air. The sight stirs within you feelings of bliss and perhaps even of celebration. After bearing witness to their play for a few moments, you close your eyes and you try to picture what they must be seeing while they are swimming swiftly to the surface, when they break free of the pull of the waves and then soar through the air before re-entering the blue water. Are they blinded by innumerable bubbles in the first moments after nose-diving into the salty sea-water? Do they see a fractal patterning of sunlight upon the sand below them? Perhaps they are following another darting dolphin with bubbles trailing its tail as it swims effortlessly under the waves. You imagine another leap over the water as a dolphin, and the exhilarating experience leaves you briefly breathless as you come back into your being standing knee deep in the ocean. Blue water stretching endlessly before you and white sand stretching endlessly to your right and to your left, you turn and walk back to the dry sand, listening to the waves, and feeling for your heart beat. When you are ready, follow your heartbeat back to the present, back to your bedroom or living room. Wiggle your fingers and toes. Feel the chair or bed you are on and the ground beneath your feet.

Two Ways to "Not Care"

So the other day I wrote in my journal that there are two ways to "not care" what other people say or think about you or what they do to you. In a victim mentality you'd be saying "I don't care what you do to me because pain is my vice (psychic pain, emotional pain, or physical pain) or because I 'deserve' it". But when you step out of that mindset, you will eventually be able to say "I don't care because your words and actions can't hurt me" because you will know them to be reflections of their insecurities, not mine; for I have been letting go of my insecurities. And once here, no one can get a rise out of you, no one can trigger your anger because you will finally recognize that there is no fight, especially if you regularly decline the invitations. And after that I wrote an affirmative prayer:

Mother, Father, God, Great Spirit, Our Creator, in this moment, the wounds from my mother are healed. Mother, Father, God, Great Spirit, Our Creator, in this moment, the wounds from my father are healed. For I release the once festering wound into your healing grace. The events of the past have now, lost their gravity, their weight. I now choose to view my path through God's eyes and see every trial as equally beautiful and necessary as my triumphs.

For our triumphs wouldn't be as impressive without all the trials.... The hardships were where I had to unlearn and relearn behavior patterns. And since I chose a life with early and severe traumas I had a dense and thick layer of learned acceptance of pain because I had felt pain and suffering was my birthright (who wouldn't when your biological parents are the source of all your physical and emotional pain?) which obviously takes a lot of time to heal.

We Love You So

Just a 1st draft of a poem describing last night's vision.

As I lay upon my bed

Awaiting a wondrous dream.

A surprising scene

I see instead.

 

For a moment, I imagine myself

A child, an infant if you will.

And standing all around

My imagined crib

Are dozens and dozens of past relatives.

 

They tell me:

I am your mother, your father

I am your sister, your brother

I am your daughter, your son

And we love you so!

 

The child me, the infant me

Simply stares and smiles

At my extended family.

With their adoring eyes upon me,

Like new parents with their newborn

And feeling their showering of tender love,

I gently close my eyes and

Rest at long last in

The comfort and safety of unquestioned

Affection.

 

And as I drift to sleep I hear

A whispered song upon my ear:

You were my daughter, my son

You were my sister, my brother

You were my mother, my father

And we love you so!

Healed Wounds

My whole life, I've underplayed the level of trauma and neglect (or abandonment) I survived. It took my biological mother telling me outright that I had survived csa for me to accept that my trigger word was proof of that, that it wasn't simply a fear of it happening in the future, but that it stemmed from an unknown and unremembered past event. I had only been two at the time this traumatic event occurred. And it took quarantining due to the Corona Virus for me to realize that I had deep abandonment wounds. I always felt that the only way to feel abandoned was to be left to fend for one's self is some blatant way, but I guess there are subtler versions that can leave a wound just as deep.

All this to preface the fact that I had the most heartwarming experience last night. I started feeling as though our time asleep is the closest we can get to returning to our childhood selves or even our state of infancy. This bizarre thought turned into the sensation that all of these loving beings, loving souls whom I met in my previous incarnations stood around me and my imagined crib. And they were simply watching me like new parents watching their newborn sleep simply because they love them so much and they don't want to miss a single moment with them for fear of missing out. This marvelous sensation, as crazy as it may sound, really healed my heart in a truly profound way.

Magic In My Soul

Mother, Father, God, Great Spirit, Our Creator 

please heal within me

any and all parts of my consciousness that

never wanted to be me.

Mother, Father, God, Great Spirit, Our Creator

please heal within me

any part of my consciousness that

still feels the sting of exclusion and

the heavy emptiness of abandonment.

Mother, Father, God, Great Spirit, Our Creator

please heal within me 

Any and every part of my consciousness that

still feels the need to do or be

something extraordinary in order to receive love.

Mother, Father, God,

I now ask you to fill

this newly formed void within me

With your light and love

So that I may know the bliss of Your Peace.

Mother, Father, God

Please allow my newly healed consciousness

To meld with Your omniscient Presence.

Please allow my newly healed soul

To meld with Your loving Light.

And with our shared consciousness

I ask you to please set free

The magic within my soul

So that I may co-create with you

Dear God.

You Are Beautiful

You are beautiful through your tears.

You are beautiful through your anger.

You are beautiful your mistakes.

You are beautiful through your brokenness...

because it shows you are strong.

So when you find yourself crying,

embrace your strength.

When you find yourself in anger,

embrace your power to return to love.

When you acknowledge a mistake,

accept the strength to forgive yourself

and to ask for forgiveness.

And when you feel broken,

know you are powerful beyond measure.

A New Legacy

Today I see a new

vision of myself.

In this vision

I see a person who

knows what she wants

and

Who is confident

That she can reach it.

Today I bear witness to

a new version of me.

In this vision

I see a person who

Always has the courage to

run with the baton,

For she knows

and

accepts her power to choose

How much she gets

Out of an opportunity.

Today I see a new

vision of myself.

I see a person who

is able to take a leap of faith

and then

surrender the outcome to God.

This version of me knows

and

Feels whole-heartedly certain

That God would sooner

Catch her,

Carry her,

Or grant her wings with which to fly

Than to watch her fall.

A Part of the Whole

Continuing yesterday's theme...

"A Part of the Whole"

Until mere moments ago,

I had thought myself abandoned.

Abandoned by love,

by grace,

by peace,

by God.

But now I feel certain,

that abandonment

is an impossibility.

For I see that

I am

a part of the whole;

a drop of loving awareness

within a loving sea,

a flaming ember within

a warming hearth,

a soft breath

upon the gentle wind

and

an everlasting soul

within the omnipresence

of God.

You Cannot Be Abandoned

You cannot be

abandoned

by that which you are.

You are love

You are the Love of God.

You cannot be

denied

that which you are.

You are grace

You are the Grace of God.

You cannot be

abandoned

by that which you are.

You are peace

You are the Peace of God.

You cannot be

denied

that which you are.

You are light

You are the Light of God.

You cannot be

abandoned

by that which you are.

For you,

You are the beloved

Child of God.

You cannot be

denied

that which you are.

For you,

You are the loving

Light of God.

You cannot be

abondoned

by

and you cannot be

denied

that which you are.

Love Me for No Reason

Can you love me when I'm angry?
Can you love me when I'm paranoid?
Can you love me when I'm crying?
Can you love me when I'm broken?

Before this moment,
I have never
questioned
whether I was lovable.
And
before this moment,
I have never
needed
to count on self-love.

For I could see the love
others had for me
gleaming and
shining,
in their eyes;
and I accepted it as real,
I accepted it as mine.

I could feel their love
pouring,
flowing
into me
during
an embrace
and I accepted it as real,
I accepted it as mine.

But now I have
been made aware
that this underrated and
undervalued
life skill called self-love,
is absolutely necessary
and yet
absolutely
missing and
wholly
unhoned.

Can I love me when I'm angry?
Can I love me when I'm paranoid?
Can I love me when I'm crying?
Can I love me when I'm broken?

Perhaps if I can learn
to love myself
without a single
rationale...
maybe then
I can love myself for
every reason.

If
I can learn
to love myself for
no discernible reason,
then
I can love myself
when angry or paranoid.
If
I can learn
to love myself for
no known reason,
then
I can love myself
while crying and broken.

Can you love me for no reason?
Can I love me for no reason?