My whole life, I've underplayed the level of trauma and neglect (or abandonment) I survived. It took my biological mother telling me outright that I had survived csa for me to accept that my trigger word was proof of that, that it wasn't simply a fear of it happening in the future, but that it stemmed from an unknown and unremembered past event. I had only been two at the time this traumatic event occurred. And it took quarantining due to the Corona Virus for me to realize that I had deep abandonment wounds. I always felt that the only way to feel abandoned was to be left to fend for one's self is some blatant way, but I guess there are subtler versions that can leave a wound just as deep.
All this to preface the fact that I had the most heartwarming experience last night. I started feeling as though our time asleep is the closest we can get to returning to our childhood selves or even our state of infancy. This bizarre thought turned into the sensation that all of these loving beings, loving souls whom I met in my previous incarnations stood around me and my imagined crib. And they were simply watching me like new parents watching their newborn sleep simply because they love them so much and they don't want to miss a single moment with them for fear of missing out. This marvelous sensation, as crazy as it may sound, really healed my heart in a truly profound way.
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