Stolen Serenity or Given Super-Power

Still not sure which title I will use, the one above or the one below...but for a while now, I have been toying with the concept of "stolen serenity" but didn't want to write something depressing. So here is a rough draft of what I am trying to share. (And maybe it will become a poem some day.) It has been a long journey and my goal in sharing it is not to bring people down, but to show others how to stand back up after getting repeatedly knocked down in life.

"To Bivouac in the 'I' of the Storm"

I woke from a wild dream one morning and recognized something profound. The dream showed a crude interpretation of my early childhood trauma...but be rest assured that there was no distress in me as I witnessed this. What I did feel was my father's anger...and I realized that what he found maddening was simply my serenity as I napped. He was furious that I could be so serene while he had carried a raging storm in his head all his life. And in his anger, he stole my serenity feeling as though if he couldn't be at peace, then neither should I... nor anyone else for that matter.
But in doing so, he gave me a super power. One I had to work tirelessly for, but one I am quickly closing in on, one I am rapidly honing. The super power he unwittingly gave me is that I can now bivouac in the "I" of the storm. I can return to my center of peace and safety more quickly after a disturbance. I can provide myself with the needed warmth, comfort, and courage to face most anything. Since his action against me was so abhorrent, almost every tempest I have encountered and will encounter will be easier to endure.

How Shifts in Perspective Can Lead to Forgiveness

Some may be wondering
how I have come so far in forgiving
the unforgivable.
I'll tell you it wasn't easy
but I didn't do it alone.
It's true I may have had
to take every step myself
but I had support all along the way.
Forgiveness on this scale
takes a few major shifts in perspective.

The first shift that took place
was this idea
that if I held the belief of reincarnation,
then it would make sense to propose
that perhaps I chose this life.
That I chose this life knowing the risks.
You may question me here,
but imagine how empowering that idea is.
Your soul, knowing what's at stake,
chose to reincarnate as you.
The more I internalized that idea,
the better I felt.

Another shift
that occurred two years ago,
was the idea that
if it weren't for other people's
moments of weakness,
I would not have sought
my inner strength.
And more recently
I have come to the conclusion
that the hardships have not only
spurred me to travel,
but they are quickly
becoming the fuel
for an amazing future
where I can identify with
and relate to the struggles
of so many children.

How can I hate someone
for setting me up to do something so grand?
Yes, it was a painful experience,
yes it haunted my dreams
and my day to day life, but now...
Well, now I can alchemize that deep wounding
into deeper and more profound compassion
for everyone I meet.
Now I can create an exquisite masterpiece
with the bold dark colors
now illuminated by iridescent
silver and gold,
by the energizing, hopeful colors
of orange and red.
For the storm has long since passed,
and the sun has returned to paint
the once gray storm clouds,
and a gentle breeze has
come back to cleanse
and freshen the air.

A Prayer to Instill Worthiness

Mother, Father, God, Great Spirit, Our Creator,
I invite you and I invoke You
into my mind,
into my body,
and into my energies.

For, God, I need Your help in this moment
to release my perceived failings and imperfections.
Mother, Father, God, Great Spirit, Our Creator,
I invite You and I invoke You
into my mind, body, and energies;
for in this moment I wish
to realign my vision with Yours
so that I can believe
that my successes are amazing and wonderful
and that my shortcomings don't even matter.
They may exist, but I know in this holy instant,
and with every fiber of my being,
that You do not intend for me
to give them the power
to hold me back from your good.
My imperfections have a divine purpose, Dear God,
and therefore they do not make me unworthy
of the good you wish for me.

So I accept in this moment, Dear God,
that I indeed have more to offer the world
than my ego would have me believe.
I accept in this moment, Dear God,
that I indeed have more power
in my vulnerability
than my ego would have me believe.
I accept in this moment, Dear God,
that through you all things are possible.
And Dear God, I accept in this moment,
that I still hold Your Divine Love,
Your Holy Light,
and Your Power of Grace.
I thank you God.
I thank you God.
I thank you God.
Let this be so. And so it is.
Asé. Aho. Amen

Nothing Shall Stop Me

 If God is my source of Peace,
then no one and no thing
has the power to take my Peace from me.
If God is my source of Love,
then no one and no thing
has the power to take it from me.
If God gave me Grace,
then no one and no thing
can take it from me.
If God is my source of Power,
then there is not a thing in this world
that can take my Power.

If God's Divine Vision enters my mind
in all it's wondrous beauty and clarity,
then no one and no thing
shall have the power
to sway me from my conviction.
For once I acknowledge the truth
of who and what I am in the eyes of God,
nothing shall stop me
from reaching for the stars.

So I acknowledge in this moment
that I was created in Peace, as Peace;
that I was created in Love, as Love.
I acknowledge in this moment
that I was created in Grace, as Grace
that I was created in Light, as Light
and in Power, as Power.
I was created as a vessel
to hold
God's Love,
God's Light,
God's Peace,
God's Grace,
and God's vision,
so that I may help manifest a world
full of Love, Light, Peace, and Grace.

Rediscovering Belonging

It may have taken a while to get here,
and it may have included
many unexpected detours,
but I'm beginning to reach a place
where I can love my story.

I have weathered the storms,
maybe not always as
gracefully as I would have liked,
but I have succeeded.
I may have scraped my knees
from crawling amidst the gusts.
I may have limped along
on weary, blistered feet,
but I made it all the same.

My journey has been
complex and convoluted;
full of adamant denial,
I could not heal my past until
my subconscious knowledge
was confirmed.

Through childhood,
even with some memories
of my original parents
and of my time in foster care,
I never perceived myself
as a survivor of trauma
or even as a person with
a fear of abandonment.
In order to keep my sanity,
I managed to deny
all of the facts
and all of the evidence.

So my healing began
some time after January 2010,
when my fragile bubble
of false reality had burst.
That was the beginning
of the hardest part of my life.
To this day, I don't know how
I managed to get by.
And yet, here I am
10 years later
having completed college,
having hiked the Appalachian Trail,
and having backpacked through Europe.

And now,
when I think about the trials of the past,
I realize that they will be the reasons
that I can connect with so many children.
It may not have been pleasant,
it may have been downright terrifying,
but now I see those experiences as liberating,
because now I can see where I belong and why.
I belong in classrooms helping teachers and students alike,
for I have been the neglected student
and the shunned student.
I know where I belong because
I know what I wished to see
from my teachers who,
in their inability to understand me,
let me struggle all alone.

But they could not know the weight of my burdens.
How could they when I never even
admitted to myself that I had any?
It may have felt like the world
never made a place for me,
but I am about to make a place for myself within the world.
With the goal being to ensure that the world
begins to make a place for all people, for all children.

A Heavenly Cloak

My intention was to heal myself
and what happened was so much more profound.
It began with twenty-six versions of me,
me at twenty-six ages,
surrounding my two year old self.
Here is what unfolded:

We surround her in an enormous group hug,
showering her with words of love and affection.
Then an Angel enters the circle
and holds the little girl's hand.
After kneeling and whispering in her ear,
the Angel lifts my two year old self
into her arms and begins to fly.
As they rise, my twenty-six selves
begin to drift up behind the Angel.
Without thinking, we create a spiral
with the Angel at the pinnacle
and with each twining coil
slightly larger than the last.

We are floating up past the towering trees
and hear the susurrus of dancing branches.
Though we know it to be the wind,
it seems as though the trees are excited
about what's about to happen.

After an interminable amount of time,

we begin approaching the cottony clouds

and in another few moments

we arrive in open space;

the stars are visible now

and the Earth is beginning to look
like a big blue ball.

Suddenly, we all stop,
our spiral now folding itself

into concentric circles.

The Angel seems to be calling out
and all at once we are surrounded

by my angels, guides, and ancestors.

They begin what I can only
describe as a ceremony.

They are chanting in an unknown language
and as they sing, an enormous wave
of loving, healing light emerges

from behind each being and washes over
every one of my twenty-six selves
and my two year old self--

still in the arms of the Angel.

As the blinding light approaches the center,
I can just make out yet another
incredible scene of magic.

First the Angel seems to be rubbing, no,
massaging, the light into the tiny child's skin.
Then this Angel grabs the light as if it is solid
and in that very moment, it is.

She wraps me in what quickly

becomes a cloak of light.

Unbeknownst to me,
every other heavenly being
has also been rubbing this light
into each age of me
and in fact, my newborn self
and one year old self as well.

Then they give each version of me
a cloak of incandescent, ethereal light.

A heavenly cloak has now been
bestowed to all of me
and there is a sudden cheering

among the otherworldly beings.
Though we still cannot understand the words,
we know they are celebrating
the courage and resilience of our* soul. 

*our=my

There is More to Me

Please, I ask of you,
do not judge me weak
when you cannot see
the rest of my load;
Don't judge me selfish
when you can't bear witness
to my humble intentions.
Please, I ask of you,
do not judge me a half-wit
when you cannot observe
the endlessness of my thoughts;
Do not judge me weak
when you can't behold
the depths of my pain.

Don't presume to know why I cry.
Don't presume to know why I laugh.
Don't presume to know why I'm angry.
Don't presume to know why I'm scared.

Remember,
what you see of me is not all there is.
I have stories you may never know; 
I have depths you may never see;
I have knowledge and insights
that you may never understand.

It is not for you to discern
who I am or what I can do.
It is not for you to delineate
my limitations or capacities.
You do not get to define me
or place me in a box.

None of us are
two dimensional humans.
We all have stories,
we all have hardships.
There is more to me,
there is more to everyone
than the surface level observations
that you glean;
For we are all
multifaceted beings
with great depth.

Why I Am Here

I feel my experiences
must one day be recycled
into proffered help and guidance.
For I have walked alone in the dark;
and I have seen the monsters
that hide in the shadows
of a mind riddled with grief and anxiety.
Hardships are not foreign to me.
They've been nigh on
consistent companions in my life
though playing with my sister
and exploring nature
alleviated much of the emotional pain,
allowing me to shove it down deeper,
to ignore for a little longer.

I must believe that I am
here to make a difference,
that I am here to make a change.
I want to believe that I am
here to make sure
people like me can be heard,
can feel empowered to speak their mind.

I feel that I am here
to make sure
children like me
don't fall between
the cracks in our education.
I believe I am here to spark hope,
courage, and determination in children,
that I am here to instill
growth-mindset in schools.

I feel that I am here
to remind teachers
that it is up to the individual students
to discover what they are capable of,
that it is not their place to define
or delineate their abilities.
Teachers are there to help
the child reach their full potential,
not to place limits or boundaries around them.

I want to believe
that I am here to educate teachers
on how to find out
what is limiting a child's ability
to learn a subject and address it.

I want to be sure
no one else feels cast out
or cast aside.
I want everyone to be able to
hold themselves accountable
for how they treat others.

I Am the Children

I say I wish to work with children,
that I wish to work with those with special needs,
but the desire goes so much deeper than that,
for I can identify with and relate to so many.
I can relate to the foster child, the adopted child.
I can relate to the traumatized child
and the child with special needs.
I have been in the shoes of children
who are shunned and ostracized by their classmates
and those who have been underestimated and misunderstood.
I can identify with the child who has
been abused and neglected by their biological parents.
I can relate to the child separated from his/her siblings.
I have been the child with a trigger word
and the child who cries in school.
I was the dyslexic child, the struggling student,
the ordinary, average child.
I have been in the shoes of children who feel powerless,
who feel unwanted, and those who fantasize about death.
I've been the bullied child and the bully.
(For I copied the actions of my biological parents for a time.)
I can identify with and relate to the children
who view yelling and shouting as the presages of violence.
I can relate the the lonely children
who have changed schools yet again.
I know what it is to become used to being the outcast and the outsider,
so much so that you stop caring whether or not you'd fit in.
So when I say I want to help the children,
these are the ones I want to encourage,
these are the ones I want to light the way for.
For at one time I was viewed as a student
with little potential and in the end,
it turned out I was the gifted child all along.
I am ALL of these children
and they deserve to know they are not alone.

An Illusory Prison

I used to feel imprisoned
by the dark stone walls
of grief and shame
and the cold stone floor
of self-pity and even
subconscious self-loathing.
I used to feel imprisoned by the past.

But then one day,
I posited a question:
Why should I carry
more shame and self-loathing
than the person who wronged me?
And the once solid prison walls
began to waver and falter.
Though not quite freed
from the illusory prison,
I began to perceive
that it was a mere delusion.

I'll admit, it took a few days
or weeks
of looking at this question
for the seemingly solid stones
to become a mirage
and for the mirage
to dissolve without a trace.

And it has since come to me,
that my father imprisoned me,
so I could set us free.
The darkness within him
was so complete,
he could not free himself
and instead felt he
needed me to join him
in his suffering.

So now I feel I must believe
that this traumatic transgression
was necessary
so that it would spur me to delve
fully and completely
into healing myself,
to delve fully and completely
into mastering forgiveness
so I could set us free.

My Heart Belongs to the Mountains

My heart belongs to the mountains
that stretch up to the sky
and reach far above the clouds.
My soul belongs to the streams and rivers
that wind endlessly across the land.
My breath belongs to the wind and the trees.
My mind, body, and soul are one
with the incandescent beauty of Mother Earth
for it is through her
that I can reclaim my peace of mind;
it is through her
that I can reclaim my bliss.

Climbing her mountains strengthened my heart;
wading through her waters freed my soul,
while the wind and the trees ceaselessly restore my breath.

My heart belongs to the spring blossoms
bursting with lively colors.
My soul belongs to the sunrises and sunsets
that decorate the clear blue sky.
My breath belongs to the everchanging clouds.
My mind, body, and soul are one
with the majesty of Mother Earth
for it is through her
that I can restore my sense of wonder;
it is through her
that I can restore my sense of passion.

Mother Earth inspires me
to give my love freely.
Mother Earth inspires me
to live with compassion.
Mother Earth inspires me
to open to the love of the universe.
For it is through her
that I can remember my oneness
with all that is.

Bringer of the Dawn

During this time of divine transformation,
I call upon the magic stardust within me,
I call upon the sacred, bright white moonlight within me,
to illuminate the World's dark night of the soul.
For the World will be made new again,
and I with it.

During this time of rebirth,
I call upon the galaxies of countless stars within me,
I call upon the infinity of space within me,
so that I may provide countless blessings
and infinite love to all
during the World's dark night of the soul.
For the World will be made new again,
and I with it.

During this time of resurrection,
I call upon the North Star within me,
so that I may shine an eternal
guiding light upon the World's
dark night of the soul.
For the World shall be made new again,
and I with it.

During this time of renewal,
I call upon the aurora borealis,
the ribbons of celestial light
that dance through the night,
and the awe this lightshow inspires.
For the World shall be made new again,
and I with it.

During this time of divine chaos and upheaval,
I call upon the solar flares within me,
to spur the restoration, reawakening,
and rebirth of the heart and soul of the phoenix.
For the World shall be made new again,
and I with it.

May I hold the light of the moon and stars;
may I hold the light of the solar flares
and their creation of the aurora,
for I wish to be made new again.
May I hold each of these things
as well as the peace, hope, and elation they inspire,
for I wish to be made new again.

May I amplify, magnify, and augment
the love, light, and peace brought to us
by the moon, the stars, and the celestial lights.
For I wish to expedite the coming of a New Dawn,
a New World, a New Earth.
The World shall be made new again,
and I with it.