The Nature of Healing and the Healing of Nature

I got another piece of insight last night after misreading 'entirety' as 'eternity'.
In order to see your path in its entirety, you must first see your soul in its eternity. This does not mean we all have to remember our past lives, but we do need to eventually reach a place where we can acknowledge our eternal nature. Once we see ourselves as eternal beings, the massive hardships in our lives will be easier to see as temporary and less important. We often mistake greater impact for greater importance, but just because the trauma you experienced was significant in its effect on you, does not mean that it is or was ever the most important part of your life.
With that said, here is today's free-write.

I accept healing from the sun.
I accept healing from the breeze.
I accept healing from the earth.
I accept healing from the trees.

I close my eyes and stand face-to-face with the sun.
I allow its light to lift the darkness from my mind.
As I stand in the sunlight, I feel a cool spring breeze
dance lightly across my skin.
The movement of air brushes the shadows away,
allowing the suns warming rays
to permeate my being and illuminate my soul.

I choose a tall, ancient looking tree
to lean against, and we stand back-to-back.
The tree pulls the heavy grief
from the back of my heart
to transmute it and transform it.
And the earth beneath my feet
grounds me and roots me
in its abiding love and unwavering serenity.

I accept healing from the sun.
I accept healing from the breeze.
I accept healing from the earth.
I accept healing from the trees.

The Pillars of My Heart

    I've been blessed with the knowledge that the pillars of my community are also the pillars of my heart. The love they share with me strengthens my heart and fortifies my courage. (Yes, I used 'courage' here because of the etymology of courage: the Latin root 'cor' meaning 'heart', & 'coeur' is French for heart.) As I embark on the next leg of my journey, knowing that I have them behind me, supporting me, is the only thing allowing me to press ever onward. In the next few months, I will have to face my past fully and completely and find a way to let it go. My hope is that when the memories are recovered, I will be surrounded by so much light, that they will not overwhelm my heart and mind. Even without the memories, my heart often breaks for my childhood self. I have learned so much about what happened that day, and in the days that followed, that I am less than eager to recover these memories. But apparently the only way for me to let the past go is to be given a chance to process the trauma that was never processed. Having been far too young and having very little competent support, it was impossible.

Thank You, God, for aligning my path with this community.
Thank You, God, for opening my heart to their love for me.
Thank You, God, for granting me exactly what I need for this part of my journey.
Thank You, God, for these people who have become the pillars of my heart.
I know I could not face this part of my path alone,
so I thank You, God, for all the people who have chosen to lift me up in their light.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

How to Move Through the Mire

Sometimes allowing looks like crying.
Sometimes allowing looks like raging.
When you've buried your feelings for years,
expect to express your grief
before moving forward.

Move through the emotions,
but don't cling to them,
and don't let them cling to you.
They may return
when it is time to release another layer,
but do not judge the process.

If you find yourself engulfed in despair,
remind yourself that God's grace is still there.
If you find yourself trapped in the dark,
remind yourself that God's light is still there.
If you find yourself lost in a labyrinth,
remind yourself that God's guidance is there.

In this way
you will move through the mire
with greater ease.
In this way
you will return to the peace of God
more readily
after each of your detours.

Be Mindful of the Current

Allow life to unfold.
Do not add a forcing current
by trying to control every outcome.

You will reach your desired destination
at the appropriate time
when you stop striving and searching outwardly for it.

Live in your desired destination...
by this I mean live the happiness you want to feel now.
By this I mean live the peace you want to feel now.
By this I mean remind yourself that God is with you and within you now.

You are in control of your inner world.
And when you practice controlling your inner state of mind,
more things in your life will begin to align.

Focus on your own well-being,
allow your life to unfold,
be mindful of the current...
and ride it, don't fight it.

How To Find Power in the Broken Places

I'm going to start this post with a couple excerpts from prior posts so you can see the progression that led to the nugget of wisdom that came to me last night.

"If my deep wounds are what enable me to heal others more deeply, then it is a privilege to carry these wounds."
"In truth, the light that emanates from a fractured soul is a light that's cast in all directions."
"Be patient as you journey to find power in the broken places."
Last night's insight: "All the ways in which you've been broken can become ways in which you can serve."

    By all of this, I mean that whatever caused you to break can enable you to share your light with others who were broken in the same way. 'Serve' here doesn't have to mean an outward action. It can just be holding space for someone else's grief, granting a shoulder for them to cry on. So last night's insight really brought home all of these ideas and it answered the question of how we can find power in the broken places. We may deem the damage of trauma as irreparable, but if we do enough intentional healing for ourselves, we can begin to be the rock for others. And as we help others through their storms, we will be furthering our own healing as well. Although we must learn to accept that healing never ends, we must also see the value in the journey. And actually, I'm getting the notion that this healing journey is even more valuable because it doesn't have a so called "finish-line". I'm not sure why that is yet, but I will sit with it a while.

Be patient as you journey to find light in the darkness.
Do not be overwhelmed by hopelessness,
for you carry the light you need within you.

Be patient as you journey to find calm within the chaos.
Do not be overwhelmed by the storm,
for you carry the peace you desire within you.

Be patient as you journey to find beauty in a dangerous world.
Do not be afraid of this perilous journey,
for you carry the strength and wisdom of God within you.

Be patient as you journey to find power in the broken places.
Do not be afraid of your broken places,
for you carry the power you need to transform them.

Remember,
all the ways in which you have been broken
can become ways in which you can serve.
You have all that you need within you,
all you have to do is seek your inner light,
your inner peace,
your inner strength and wisdom;
all you have to do is seek your inner power,
and this will all be unleashed.

To Find Power in the Broken Places

You are so much more
than you ever imagined yourself to be.
The light you bring forth matters.
The light you share with those around you matters.
Your tender, loving, gentle presence
is a soothing balm for the wounds of the world.

Do not doubt the power of your soul's light.
Do not doubt the essential role you play.
You are not here just to waste away.
You have embarked on a journey
to heal yourself and others,
and you have not been led astray.

Tune out the ego's constant dissonance,
and tune into the whispered wisdom of your soul.
Tune out the painful lies that lead to depression,
and tune into the truths that would lead you to freedom.
You were never deserving of the torments you went through
and you were never meant to identify with your wounds.

You were never the body which suffered,
but the soul bearing witness.
The wounds you endured
were meant to bring about a rebirth.
Be gentle with your soul as you rebuild yourself,
as you re-discover yourself.
Be patient as you journey to find power in the broken places.

The First Step

So today I went fishing for inspirational quotes to see if they might spark something within me...we shall see.

"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself." --Mark Caine

"Do your work with your whole heart and you will succeed- there is so little competition."
-- Elbert Hubbard

"Your talent is God's gift to you. What you do with it is your gift to God." --Leo Buscaglia

"What you get from achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals." -- Zig Ziglar

"Always continue the climb. It is possible to do whatever you choose, if you first get to know who you are and are willing to work with a power that is greater than ourselves to do it."
--Ella Wheeler Wilcox

    Life is all about remembering and becoming who we were meant to be. A lot of us have experienced a life that tore us down, that left us bruised and battered. But we can choose to become diamonds in the rough. Humans have the potential to overcome anything and everything...as long as we have the necessary support. None of us can make it through the storm alone. Believing we are alone is what causes us to feel trapped. Believing we are alone is what causes us to consider suicide. Believing we are alone is what causes us to doubt our impact. This belief keeps us blind to the possibility that there is a way out.
    It is always possible to get out, but we must be willing to climb, we must not fear the climb. And with our family and friends by our side, we can begin to give ourselves permission to enjoy the journey. We can choose to stop for a breather every now and again. We can choose to stop and smell the roses on this climb of ours. Every step you take on this journey shows you that you have always been strong. Because you could have chosen to stop. You could have chosen to give it all up. You could have chosen to let the grief swallow you whole. The fact that you didn't shows just how powerful and courageous you are.
    Don't just heal for your sake, choose to heal yourself for the sake of the world. Become the best version of you for the sake of humanity. This does not mean you must get rid of your flaws and imperfections...it means you must embrace your flaws and imperfections. As a quote I discovered on Facebook goes, "You can't hate yourself into a version of you that you love." So start with loving who you are and start with loving where you find yourself. I know for me, that's a tall order, but I am working on embracing all of myself. Growth cannot happen until you accept all that you are and all that played a part in forming the 'you' you are in this moment. Put your whole heart into this process and you will see progress.

Be Grateful for Your Heart

Love yourself
and you will begin
to know happiness.
Love yourself
and you will begin
to know your worth.
Love yourself
and you will begin to let go
of who you felt you should be.
You are who you're meant to be.
"You don't need to be perfect,
you just need to be you."*

Be grateful for your heart
and you will begin
to see your strength.
Be grateful for your soul
and you will begin
to see your light.
Be grateful for your journey
and you will begin to let go
of where you feel you should be.
You are where you're meant to be.

Be kind to your sorrow
and you will begin
to see its gift.
Be kind to your grief
and you will begin
to see its guidance.
Be kind to your heartache
and you will begin
to let go of some of its weight.

When grief is no longer seen as an adversary,
you can begin to let go
of the weight of your expectations,
the weight of your wishes;
your wish to be more sane, less fraught;
your wish to be more stable, less erratic;
and your wish to live another's life.

Love yourself,
be grateful for your heart, soul, and journey,
and be kind to your sorrow, grief and heartache,
and you will begin to heal
from all that has wounded you.

*A quote borrowed from Rev. Jim Webb

Being Planted

    So yesterday I played with the Christine Caine quote, "Sometimes when you're in a dark place you think you've been buried, but you've actually been planted." Even though I couldn't remember the whole quote nor the person who came up with it, I've been thinking about that idea an awful lot lately. It's a pretty profound message of hope. As someone who feels quite literally trapped in this life fairly often, it has been a useful thing to consider. I have to believe that in the grand scheme of things I am actually still growing toward the sunlight just like a seed beneath the soil. In some ways I DO feel the potentiality within me to be something and someone better, stronger, and more confident. For a lot of my life I have felt that I had something in me that no one could see through all my craziness. I felt smart, but unable to prove it.
    I feel that when the time is ripe, I will be able to experience exponential growth and transformation; I feel that I will break through the top-soil and reach for the sun. In many ways, I've felt buried to some degree or another for much of my life. But each time, I rose above the chaos and accomplished something remarkable. This is certainly the time to notice this pattern so I don't get discouraged by what's going on in my life. As I stated a few years ago, sometimes things fall apart so that something better can fall together.

Hidden in the Dark

Be comforted in knowing
that there is so much life
hidden in the darkness.
There is so much potentiality
within dark, obscure places.

Remember,
when you feel buried in darkness,
in truth, you've been planted,
and every storm you encounter,
is undoubtedly watering you.

Be comforted in knowing
that there is so much life
hidden in the darkness.
There is so much potentiality
within dark, obscure places.

There are countless other people
who have been planted with you,
who are awaiting to connect,
beneath the soil,
to another wayfarer's light.
Only with these bridges built,
can you support each other's evolution.

Just like trees support one another
beneath the ground,
we are here to do the same.
Bearing this in mind,
when you feel buried,
do not fear the darkness,
instead, look for your tribe...
look for those who understand
the weight of that which buried you.

Be comforted in knowing
that there is so much life
hidden in the darkness.
There is so much potentiality
within dark, obscure places.

Romanticizing Suffering...or Healing?

    I came across a post on Facebook saying that the capitalist idea that suffering creates better art is a detrimental view point that "romanticizes the (alterable) conditions that traumatize/overwork people & stifle our ability to create in the first place". And it (of course) got me thinking... I started asking myself "is that what I'm doing?" When I'm doing my best to see really damaging experiences in a new and slightly more positive way, do I use language that actually romanticizes the trauma...or am I romanticizing the healing process? I hope I'm doing the latter, but some of what I write does have me seriously wondering which one I'm romanticizing. There is nothing glamorous or flattering about suffering. I'm not a better person because of it. I'm a person who has been in a constant state of struggle due to it. I'm not writing this blog to sell suffering to anyone. But I do hope that I am mirroring some of the feelings other people have experienced as they work through healing their traumas.
    Suffering is a common root between all of humanity. There isn't a single person out there who isn't trying to overcome some mountain. Our suffering can lead to connections if we were to let it. But being that vulnerable in today's society is challenging. In the U.S., people have inadvertently given themselves and each other a timeline for grief, causing us to feel like we need to be "on" all the time, even in the midst of deep heart-ache.
    In my own life, I've had a couple people tell me their own theories as to why I'm not able to get over it yet or why it was so hard for me to handle my biological mother's phone call that informed me of the trauma and how she had figured it out. That phone call wasn't just hard because I suddenly heard concrete information that explained my trigger word. There's a lot more to it than that, but I won't go into it now.
    Again, there is no intention on my part to romanticize suffering or trauma. But if it happens to romanticize the healing process, then I can get behind that. Too often it's intimidating and discouraging. And yet, with a shift in perspective and the right people by your side, the healing journey is way less scary and way more possible.

God Is the Answer to All My Questions

Dear Mother, Father, God, please fill my heart, mind, and soul
with an awareness of Your presence.

Dear Mother, Father, God, please fill my heart
with an awareness of Your love.
Dear, Mother, Father, God, please fill my mind
with an awareness of Your unwavering support
and constant guidance.
Dear Mother, Father, God, please fill my soul
with an awareness of Your healing light.

Dear God, in this moment of fear and mistrust,
I invite You into my heart and soul.
Dear God, in this moment of doubt driven anxiety,
I invoke You into my mind, that it may know peace again.

My mind has been eternally filled with questions.
May it rest easily with the knowledge
that You are the answer to all of them.

"How can I possibly make things work out from where I stand now?"
With the grace of God, this is possible.
"How can I possibly earn enough to support myself with my new necessary and pricey expenditures? (And this is not including my eventual need for paying rent as well...)"
With God's help, this is possible.
"How can I ever get out of survival mode when that's all I've ever known?"
Through the healing power of God's love, this too, is possible.

Dear Mother, Father, God, please take this fear from me
and replace with unshakable faith.
Dear Mother, Father, God, please take these doubts and anxieties from me
and replace them with the knowledge of my power...the power I share with You.
Dear Mother, Father, God, all I can see is my human experience
and all I can feel is the powerlessness of the human experience.
Please, allow me to see the bigger picture...
allow me to see the bigger ME.
The ME beyond the body.
The ME that is light.
The ME that is love.
The ME that is power and grace.
For all I see is what the human sees...
all I feel is what the human feels.
So dear God, please fill my heart, mind, and soul with an awareness of Your presence.

The Unquestionable Beauty of Brokenness

This morning I decided to play with the template of one of the stanzas I composed on Valentine's Day and came up with a more cohesive poem for that stanza to fit into.

You were afraid you had become
eternally powerless,
but in truth, the power of God
continues to reside within you.

You were afraid that your past
would strangle the life out of your future,
but in truth, the power you hold
is greater than that of the past.

You were afraid that your life
had become broken beyond repair.
But do not despair.
For as you remember your true identity
as God's beloved child,
you will empower yourself
to create an extraordinary future
out of the shards of your past.

You were afraid that your soul
was too devastated
and your heart too broken
to offer anything of value.
But in truth,
the love that's freely given
from a broken heart
is more valuable than you can imagine.
In truth,
the light that emanates from a fractured soul
is a light that's cast in all directions.

Do not be afraid of your brokenness,
for there is unquestionable beauty
in your flaws and imperfections;
there is unquestionable beauty
in the pain that led you to light.

When we walk hand-in-hand
with our pain and our grief,
we eventually find our way to peace.
We must give them room to live and breathe
so that they can then transform themselves
into grace. 

Getting Things Done

    Today was the most productive day I've had in a while. I got various things scheduled that I've been aiming to set up for a long while. I started job applications and spontaneously added two new people to my list of references. Plus, I took the time to reach out to people for support for the next leg of my healing journey with a new form of therapy starting very soon. So while this meant I didn't make time for meditative writing today, the outcome more than makes up for that. Due to my reclusive nature and the fact that I withdraw even more when I'm struggling with my mental health, I wanted to reach out before things get to that point. It's not that I doubt the therapy, it's that I recognize things might get harder before they get better and I feel the need to be prepared for that possibility. 

The Value of A Broken Heart

Your power lives within your heart and soul.
Your power emanates beyond the boundaries of the body.
Understand that your frail-looking form
belies the strength and power you hold.

No one who knows your story would ever call you weak.
It takes a great deal of strength and courage
to have walked along your broken road.
You are so much more than you could ever believe.

You were afraid that your soul
was too devastated
and your heart too broken
to offer anything of value.
But in truth,
the love that's freely given
from a broken heart
is more valuable than you can imagine.
In truth,
the light that emanates from a fractured soul
is a light that's cast in all directions.

To Have What It Takes

I awoke with a broken heart today,
but I promised myself that the sadness
wouldn't stay
and began to pray.

Your strength--
lives within me, God.
Your power--
lives within me, God.
Your peace--
lives within me, God.

I have what it takes
to fulfill Your vision
because You
live within me, God.

Your light--
lives within me, God.
Your love--
lives within me, God.
Your grace--
lives within me, God.

I have what it takes
to fulfill Your vision
because You
live within me, God.

Dear God, grant me the courage
to carry Your light, love, and grace
within my broken heart,
that it may be mended.

Dear God, grant me the strength
to relinquish my burdens to You
and replace them
with Your holy blessings.

Thank You, God.
Thank You, God.
Thank You, God.
Let this be so. And so it is.

Why This Life Was Chosen

     There are a number of myths that many of us begin to believe after experiencing trauma and I have been working on identifying them and dismissing them as the fiction that they are. The first one I want to talk about is that we believe our trauma stands between us and the grace of God. This happens because we entertain the idea that God never had our backs or supported us; we say to ourselves: if he did, he would not have allowed _______ to happen to me.
    The key to dispelling this myth is to accept the possibility that you, on the level of your soul, chose this life and the challenges that make up your life. I use the word possibility because I recognize how much you will want to resist that mindset. But I want you to consider how empowering it would be to see your life and your life circumstances as things that you chose. Again, you as in your soul. Some of you will immediately think, why on earth would I choose that experience for myself?!?! And you're right to pose that question. I encourage you to do so. WHY did you choose an experience so challenging and terrifying? I can't answer that for you but I can tell you what my answer is.
    I feel that I chose my traumas so that I can connect with other people who have faced similar hardships and show them the love and support that they need. As I do this, I will also learn how to be more compassionate towards myself as I continue on my own healing journey. The trauma I faced was never about me; it was about how I could show up for other people, thereby learning how to show up for myself. I chose my traumas so that I could embark on a journey that would require me to seek my own inner strength, my own light, my own power. And as I move through this journey, I feel that I am meant to chronicle it so that others may also be able to empower themselves and rediscover their voice.
    I hope that you understand that I am not using my trauma to manufacture self-importance. As stated two days ago, my value was not borne from trauma. My goal is to allow my story to become one of self-empowerment and as I work towards that end, I hope to share with others how they can do the same.

In order to own your story
you must understand
that you have everything to do
with how your chapters unfold.

Until you fully accept your power,
you will continue to see yourself
as a perpetual victim of circumstance.
And this need not be.

In order to own your life,
you must see yourself
as the writer, director, and cocreator
of your various experiences.

Until you fully accept your grace,
you will continue to see yourself
through the lens of your pain.
And this need not be.

Surviving trauma does not make you a victim.
It serves to remind you that you are a warrior
who chose to journey through the darkness,
so that you could discover your light.

Going Slow

    I had one of those experiences this morning that would sound unremarkable to everyone else, but was evidence of a huge shift within me. Every time I go on a walk, I typically have only one break-neck pace. I power-walk everywhere all the time and it takes a great deal of concentration for me to slow down and I even have to reassert the intention to go slow whenever someone comes along. On a subconscious level, my body and mind feel that it is unsafe to just have a relaxing stroll. Yesterday, I consciously made an effort to walk more slowly but all my muscles remained tight, remained tense, like they were ready to spring into action. This morning however, I was able to enjoy ambling along the trail. I was finally able to not only slow my pace, but also be relaxed with it.
    The thing about this experience that I want to explain a little bit more is that even though I am clearly on high alert, I am not actually thinking, "Don't relax or you'll be attacked". It's an anxiety held in my body and subconscious mind since my initial trauma, meaning that no conscious thoughts are causing me to be on high alert, just the rewiring of my brain to respond to my attempts to relax as something that would threaten my safety. So having had the experience of a real leisurely stroll this morning, and having it be an effortless easing of my pace is quite something.

Never a Crown of Thorns

    Last night I was able to remind myself to view my past in terms of the people I would be able to help and support. My story could be one of hope and inspiration if I were to let it. The one tangle I had to acknowledge and side-step was that it's easy to go from that train of thought to the belief that you are only valuable because of your trauma. Even though this is slightly better than believing that trauma took your worthiness, this still means you are allowing yourself to be defined by it. I wrote ages ago that our honor does not lie in our suffering but in our ability to rise afterward. So the key continues to be not to allow the trauma we experienced to be the center of attention, but to instead look to the choices we make after and whether or not they benefit those around us. Yes, we must acknowledge the event, but we need to be careful not to empower it in such a way that it convinces us that that moment is all that matters. We need to be careful not to turn it into a crown of thorns or our crown of glory.
    I admit to struggling on again, off again with my perception of the past, but even on my off days, my intention is to be healed from this. My intention is to acknowledge, honor, and move through the difficult feelings. Do I occasionally get stuck in an eddy? Of course. But I promise I'm doing the work on a daily basis. Some days I write as though I'm moving past it while internally feeling stuck. Some days I can't hide the feeling of being stuck, and on really good days, I write all the positive things I truly believe and feel in that moment.

Know that what you have suffered
is neither a crown of thorns
nor your crown of glory.
Know that what you have suffered
is neither proof of your condemnation
nor your martyrdom.

What you choose to do afterwards
matters more than the trauma.
What you choose to give people,
hope or despair, love or fear
matters more than the trauma.
How you face the world afterwards
matters more than what you went through.

Do not condemn yourself
for what you've gone through;
do not fear your travails,
they were never meant to be a crown of thorns.
Do not worship your pain,
it was never meant to be a crown of glory.

Let go of what was and embrace the new you;
the new you who has greater compassion
for those who suffer.
Embrace the new you;
the new you who has greater patience
with those who are struggling.
Let go of what was and embrace yourself.

Seeing My Strength

    During my long walk yesterday, I started truly appreciating the fact that the life I've led would be considered amazing regardless of whether or not my childhood was stable. For example, completing the Appalachian Trail in my early twenties would be an impressive feat no matter who you are, no matter what your story is. Vagabonding alone in Europe for 8 months is amazing in and of itself as well. And the fact that I have manifested both these magnificent trips before the age of 30 and did so with the weight of my personal history is demonstrative of my incredible power.
    Before this walk, I started creating a list of things that I have accomplished that could only be done by a strong person and the 2 I just mentioned above are, of course, at the top of that list. The fact that I still graduated from high school after my biological mother dropped a bomb-shell on me 4 months prior to graduation took a great deal of strength. I even pushed through the depression hard enough to apply for and receive a full scholarship to Montgomery College. While I was at Shepherd University, my older brother attempted suicide during a critical semester, and though I had to switch majors after that, I still graduated. All of this takes immense strength. Being the caregiver for my grandfather and watching my mother's health decline as we both looked after him was really challenging. But I did that without adding my reaction to the unfolding drama. I pushed it aside to deal with later so that I could be the stable, steady rock both of them needed. Again, something only a strong person could do.
    Obviously, there are at least 2 different types of strength that I have referred to. The physical strength needed to do the trail and then the spiritual strength to have the will-power to push through all obstacles. Imagine being able to complete school while in the midst of a deep depression. (People do, all the time.) The grief and sorrow and pain were always present, sometimes just beneath the surface, but most of the time there was a shark fin visible belying, the overarching heart-ache.

How could you doubt your strength
when you take an honest look at your life?
How could you dispute your power
when you demonstrate it daily?
Your actions and accomplishments in this life
give you all the evidence you need
to prove that you already have
all the strength and power
you ever wished for.

Don't lose faith in yourself,
you have what it takes to fulfill your wildest dreams.
Trust yourself and the process,
and allow your life to unfold for you.
Allow it to blossom before you.
You have pushed through the shell of the seed,
you have pushed your roots down through the darkness of the rich soil,
you have pushed yourself through the topsoil and into the sun.
All that's left to do is allow yourself to open to the warm light.
It is there. You just have to open your eyes to receive it.
And as you open to receive your blessings,
your life will open up and pour them out for you.

Your strength and courage, your powerful intentions
shall be rewarded a hundred fold. Just allow.

Embracing Our Journey

What if we could embrace our healing journey with joy?
What if we could face our healing journey with greater faith? 
What if the key to healing deep wounds is to say,
"I am grateful I have what it takes to heal from this through God's grace"?
What if we were able to acknowledge the roller coaster we are on
and say "I will enjoy the highs to the fullest
and I will practice allowing joy to enter my heart
in the midst of hardships"?

The joy that I will allow to enter
shall come from the knowledge
that all is well and all will be well.
The joy that I will allow to enter
shall come from the knowledge
that my path is meticulously guided.
I will remember that God's grace is always at hand.
I will remember that I am one with God
and that as I walk hand-in-hand with Him,
I shall not lose my way.

With all of this sweet knowledge,
I shall be able to move through my troubles
with grace, peace, and joy still in my heart.
With all of this sweet knowledge,
I shall be able to move through my roadblocks
with greater faith and courage.
I shall be able to surrender my sorrows to God
whenever they show up at my doorstep again.

If we play our cards right,
we don't have to view our healing journey
in a negative light.
We could find joy in the midst of our tears;
We could find peace in the midst of our fears;
We could find God's grace in the midst of our grief.

In the Hands of God

Whenever intrusive thoughts threaten my peace,
I shall place my past in the hands of God.
Whenever worries consume my mind,
I shall place my future in the hands of God.
Whenever shame or guilt or fear arises,
I shall place my heart and my mind
in the hands of God.

And while my past and my future,
my heart and my mind
rest in the hands of God,
I shall be able to move forward
with the unwavering certainty
that I am in good hands.

Whenever a current occurrence
triggers an old, deep wound,
I shall again place my past
in the hands of God.
I shall again place my future
in the hands of God. 

Whenever my ego interrupts my soul's intention,
I shall place my wounded ego
in the hands of God.
Whenever my sorrows and grief return,
I shall place them in the hands of God.
Whenever I lose faith, whenever I lose courage,
I shall place my heart, mind, and soul
in the hands of God,
and trust that I am in good hands.

Transforming Trauma

    Given that the healing process for those of us who have suffered from capital 'T' trauma is messy, grueling, and Sisyphean, I am still working on figuring out what steps I can take to change my relationship to the trauma so that I don't see the journey as intimidating and discouraging. It's difficult not to see it as a never ending uphill battle. It's all too easy to see trauma in terms of all the things it took from us and all the "unacceptable" flaws it gave us. We could try to say that it also gave us the building blocks for deeper levels of compassion and for greater patience. And yet we tend to lack self-compassion and patience with ourselves... Creating a list of positive things about the aftermath and the fallout of trauma seems impossible, but I think it is essential to attempt this in order to be able to consider the trauma as something that was "worth it". Life doesn't seem to be worth living after extreme trauma because as I stated before, it causes us to feel powerless and therefore purposeless.

'We Could Say'

What if we could say
that our wounds gave us wisdom...?
What if we could see
our trauma as the seed of transformation...?
What if we could say that our despair
taught us to see in the dark...?
What if we could see
that the weight of our sorrows
caused us to seek our inner strength...?

We could say that we learned of our courage.
We could say that we caught a glimpse of our true power.
We could say that we can now become beacons of light and hope for others.
What if we could call ourselves honorable warriors,
for continuing to shine our light
even as we feel trapped in the dark?
What if we could see that it's possible to transform trauma
into lessons and blessings worth sharing?

An Ego's Tantrums: A Prayer

My ego is throwing a tantrum, God,
because they believe they've been abandoned.
My ego is throwing a tantrum, God,
because they believe that others
had turned away from them and their suffering.

So please, dear God,
remind me that I am Your beloved
and that You could not abandon me,
that no one has turned their back on me.

My ego is throwing a tantrum, God,
because they believe their flaws are unacceptable.
My ego is throwing a tantrum, God,
because they do not feel cared for or protected.

So please, dear God,
remind me that I am
holy, divine, and sacred.
So please, dear God,
cause me to feel certain
that I am worthy
of Your care and protection.

My ego's throwing a tantrum, God,
because they're overwhelmed
by the constant weight of pain and shame,
by the constant weight of their troubles.

So please, dear God,
relieve me of my burdens,
take away these endless struggles.

My ego's throwing a tantrum, God,
because they believe they are not wanted.
My ego's throwing a tantrum, God,
because they feel all alone in a world of pain.

So please, dear God,
tell me I am wanted.
So please, dear God,
comfort me with a tender embrace
and tell me that I am not alone.
Please, dear God,
take me away from my world of pain.

Turning Sorrows into Songs

    The hardest job we will ever have is turning our deepest pain into something that blesses both ourselves and others. Our deepest pain, when addressed with tender, loving compassion, teaches us how to minister to our wounds and as we learn to do so, we will be able to teach others how to do so. But this transformation is extremely difficult. These wounds tend to create a sharp lingering pain. They tend to be re-experienced in the body in some ways. For me it's through something akin to endometriosis as well as problems typically associated with IBS. These phenomena cause us to feel that the pain never left us. One of my hunches about this is that the re-expressed pain is proof that our body is still grieving the trauma. My number one goal is to not add fuel to the fire by condemning my body for doing this. Let's just say, I have a ways to go before I am able to stop doing that...

I have tried to turn my pain into poetry,
but the heart-ache is still there.
I have tried to turn my heavy wounds into uplifting words,
but these wounds, they still sting and chafe and ooze.
I have tried to turn my sorrows into songs,
but the grief, it still returns.

I know I must have made strides,
but all too often it feels as though
my dreams and goals
have been swallowed by the tides. 

I am not admitting defeat,
just that I'm still a work in progress. 
I am not throwing in the towel,
just admitting that it's hard...
that it's almost always hard.
But that doesn't mean this journey isn't worth it.

There are dreams worth holding onto
and the dream of feeling whole and safe and worthy again
is a dream worth chasing.
There are dreams worth striving for
and the dream of creating a better world
is a dream worth following.

Just because your dreams feel improbable,
doesn't mean you should throw them all away.
Instead imagine how it would feel
if they were ALL already real.

Believe me, I know nothing is harder
than learning to fly
when you are still encumbered by the chains of the past,
but we must spread our wings anyway.
We must dream big anyway.
We must try everyday anyway.
For the journey will never be worth it
if all you choose to do is quit.

God the Gentle Father

When I go to bed at night,
I imagine that God tucks me in
with a blanket of light.

When I lay quietly, awaiting sleep,
I imagine that God tucks me in
with a blanket of peace.

I imagine God as the gentle father
whose strength gives me a sense of assurance,
a sense of security,
instead of a feeling of fear.

I imagine God as a comforting father,
who holds me, rocks me,
and caresses me
as He patiently waits for my tears to cease.

What caused my wounds may have happened in the distant past,
but their deep and profound nature left an impact that lasts.
Time created distance between me and my pain,
but time alone couldn't heal the rift in my heart.
Time alone couldn't cut the heavy chains
nor take away my deeply held shame.

So I have called upon God the gentle, comforting father.
I have called upon God the nurturing and compassionate father.
I see God wrapping me, swaddling me
in a blanket of love, a blanket of peace, a blanket of light.
I see God holding me so that my head rests on His shoulder.
I see God stroking my back tenderly
as I consider whether or not
I have shed the last tear.

Thank You, God for holding me in Your loving embrace.
Thank You, God for wrapping me in Your love, light, and peace.
Thank You, God for restoring the heart of my inner child.

The Wayward Path

    As with so many other survivors, I have often wondered why I am here. When the world tries to convince you that you are powerless, it leads us to believe our lives are purposeless. We cannot conceive of our purpose when we view ourselves as powerless victims. But our traumas should not be given the power to contain us, should not be given the power to diminish us. We are here for a reason and that reason doesn't disappear after trauma, it just feels that way. Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, talks about the importance of finding a purpose for our lives. I will never claim that everything happens for a reason, but I will say that no matter what you've suffered, make sure it didn't happen for no reason. Rise above and show the world how to be better. When you bear witness to the darkness and the nightmares that come with life, acknowledge it and say "I see darkness here and it is in need of light. I choose to be that light."

We are here to share God's peace.
We are here to share God's love.
We are here to share God's grace.

I have wandered the wayward path for so long,
I lost sight of myself and believed myself
to be unworthy of God's grace.
There seemed to be no way out,
so I began to give in to my doubts.

I have wandered the wayward path for so long,
I lost sight of my faith and thought
I would never find my way home.
There seemed to be no end in sight,
and I began to succumb to my plight.

I have wandered the wayward path for so long,
I almost lost heart. I almost lost hope.
I have wandered the wayward path for so long...
but I am beginning to see the light,
I am beginning to see myself as light.

I have wandered the wayward path for so long,
and discovered that I still carry within me
all that God is.

We have wandered the wayward path for so long,
but we are remembering our purpose.
We are remembering
that we are here to share God's peace,
we are here to share God's love,
we are here to share God's grace.

We shall look into the darkness unafraid
and say to it,
"I see that you are in need of light and I shall be that light."
We shall look into the hate-filled eyes of our enemies
and say to them,
"I see that you are in need of love and I shall be that love."
We shall look upon the nightmares of the world,
and offer them the dreams of heaven on Earth.

No matter what I see in the world, I will say,
"I shine a light upon the darkness
that others shall finally see the way home."

I Open My Heart

I open my heart to the healing grace of God.
I open my mind to the divine wisdom of God.
I open my soul to the infinite light of God.

As my heart fills with the healing grace of God,
my inner child's heart is soothed.
As my mind fills with the wisdom of God,
I begin to recall my true identity.
As my soul receives the infinite light of God,
I begin to remember my soul's purpose.

I open myself to receive God's peace.
I open myself to receive God's love.
I open myself to receive God's blessings.

As my heart, mind, and soul fill with peace,
my inner child is wrapped in God's peace.
As my heart, mind, and soul fill with love,
my inner child learns that she is loved, that she is wanted.
As my heart, mind, and soul fill with the blessings of God,
my inner child is showered with His grace and knows comfort.