Lately, I've been practicing sending love to myself by picturing me at the age of four when I first visited my current parents at the house I ended up growing up in. Since I consistently notice how much my heart swells when I see children and how much joy they bring me, I decided to send love to my four year old self. It's easier to send love to the childhood version of yourself than to the one you see in the mirror. Don't get me wrong, I admit to occasionally admiring my well toned arms and shoulders while looking in the mirror, but admiring your physique doesn't equate to loving yourself.
Personally, I like to reassure myself that even though I weigh next to nothing, I could give someone the surprise of a lifetime if they tried to pick on me. In fact that was one of the messages I got at last week's healing circle. I was told that sometimes people underestimate me. That particular thought goes through my head all the time whether consciously or subconsciously which is why I continually bike without holding onto the handlebars. It's not just about showing off, it's my bizarre way to try prevent people from pegging me as...I guess I'll use the word soft... I want to continue to feel 100% capable of anything and for me that means that's what I've got to portray, because I want other people to believe it too. For most of my life, I've been worried that no one could ever take me seriously; that small as I was, I could be the perfect target. Has anyone else ever felt that if you couldn't find some kind of ace (or mace) up your sleeve, that someone could just pick you up and carry you away? I mean if you don't pose a threat to anyone, then anyone could take advantage of that and that's a scary thought. Luckily, I don't live in that labyrinth of thinking anymore.
On a higher note, I went to another healing circle tonight and got some good energy flowing. My state of meditation was deeper this evening than it has been and it felt so peaceful. One person said that while my hands were on her shoulders she felt like she and her chair were melting into the floor, my energy flow was so powerful. Now, the energy isn't taken from one person and given to another, we're conduits for the energy to flow so it's shared throughout the room and multiplied. It's not a finite supply that we're giving away which is why it's always very refreshing and rejuvenating. Each week I hear a message on how deeply connected I am with nature and that the connection goes both ways. They often see images of a forest with the sounds of birds while working on me. Anyway much of this has been on my mind and I keep asking: Who am I? What am I? I'm asking this on the level of the soul, not the physical self. What's my soul here to do? What am I going to be able to do to improve the life experience of others? I'm seeking the layers of my soul instead of the layers of my ego.
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