Emerging Victorious

    The positivity in my latest posts should not be deemed as evidence of me pretending. Every time something serious comes up for me to deal with, I feel and acknowledge the negative emotions for a moment and then immediately, look for the silver linings and lean into those. On top of that, since I have been holding onto that particular nightmare for quite some time, any new knowledge surrounding it, no matter how crazy, doesn't sway me as much as you'd expect. It seems that once I got used to my wound, finding out that it's a bit deeper than I thought doesn't really upset me. Yes, there may have been some suppression going on, as is often the case, actually, but I was dealing with the harder emotions more readily and more productively than before. Plus, the positive emotions that came up far outweighed the negative ones due to the fact that I am mostly used to addressing the healing of this wound.
 
    I didn't get into the other good thing that came with the new knowledge I gained and that is that I have been experiencing an extraordinary level of healing, like maybe I was re-writing my DNA or in the process of reversing the impact of cellular memory. This healing may not have included sleep unfortunately, but that, too, should be remedied soon. The insomnia also relates to the trauma I've been discussing. As an outsider looking in, you may doubt what I have said thus far, but truly, I feel better now than I did a week ago. And I have let go of the shame this storyline gave me and instead see myself as someone who stands victorious over a past that has tried its best to destroy me. 

Emerging Victorious

After years of battling a silent foe,
I have finally clambered out of the smoky wasteland,
the echoes of chaos still ringing in my ear.

It didn't end the way I expected,
for one doesn't go to war
believing it should end in a draw.

I had thought I had to outsmart
and outmaneuver my opponent.
But then I realized...
that the opponent was myself,
not a figure of the past.
So I needed to find a different tact.

Self-pity battled self-motivation,
self flagellation battled self-confidence,
and self-hatred battled self-love.

For more than half the war, it appeared
that the shadows of my ego would surely win.
For my mind had dwelled longer in darkness
than it had in light.
But then one day, I discovered,
that I was no longer alone on the battlefield;
I looked around and saw my friends.
In truth, I was never alone;
but I did not learn that til near the very end.

With my friends by my side,
and with the power of the pen in my hand,
I finally put down my arms,
and sent my thought to be foe,
love, love, and more love.

For now I see these shadows
are what enabled me to live.
These shadows were created in war,
in a battle to survive;
and warring them again
will not help them unlearn
what they had learned through fear.

So here we are at battle's end,
and somehow, my foe is now my friend.
For I have finally allowed self-compassion
to heal the wounded ego.
I had judged my wounds and
the shortcomings that stemmed from them
as one would a source of evil.
But now I see these through the lens of compassion.

So I take a moment to recognize
that though I fought in darkness
with my feet often mired in muck,
I have emerged victorious
out of the nightmares of hard luck.