Held Back By A Suppressed Memory?

 CW/TW: discusses trauma/mentions the four letter r-word 
    Before you read through this I just want to say that my current mental and emotional state is healthy and balanced. I was briefly thrown out of balance last night, but I have re-centered myself. Do not see this post as an invitation to a pity party. Lately I have started to write more specifically about subject matter that I typically try to either leave out or allow my audience to infer because I am getting closer and closer each day to reaching a place of acceptance and forgiveness of the past. Despite what I describe below, I count yesterday as a beautiful blessing of a day.
    So yesterday held a nice surprise. A friend of mine from high school called in the afternoon and offered to bring by some extra groceries that his aunt had gotten for him. Shortly after he arrived and I put the things away he offered to take me out to dinner. All of this without remembering that my birthday is right around the corner. So we go out to eat at a nice seafood place on the water with a beer garden, though we didn't indulge. As is the case with all of my friends, we had a very intriguing conversation while waiting for our meal.
    Now, here we are waiting to be served the food we ordered, and he is confirming that the reason I keep gnawing at the past is because there is some suppressed memory or detail of an event that I need to know about that is still holding me back from all that I am hoping to accomplish. Which is a bit mind blowing because I can't fathom what suppressed memory could be worse than the knowledge that I survived being raped by my biological father. Later in the evening I realized that maybe it's not that I have to recall a different event, but something specific about it. Like perhaps this trauma included a near death experience or something.
    Once again, be rest assured that I'm not feeling overwhelmed by this news at the moment and actually feel like I am more ready to deal with it than I did last night. Nothing I learn about my past surprises me anymore, but learning about what happened is vastly different than remembering, so I still count myself lucky that I don't recall anything. The news didn't stop me from sleeping (I had CBD and Valerian).