Divine Recalibration/Surrendering the Ego

To all the parts of my consciousness that never wanted to be me, why do you stake a claim in the realm of self-hatred when you can choose self-love?
Surrender your self-hatred to Me.

To all the parts of my consciousness that never wanted to be me, what has your habit of self-debasement earned you apart from pain, suffering, struggle, and lack?
Surrender your habit of self-debasement to Me. 

To all the parts of my consciousness that never wanted to be me, don't you realize that you are not, nor have you ever been your story; you are not, nor have you ever been your body; you are not, nor have you ever been your ego? Don't you know that you have only ever been the witness of the unfolding of your life? Your soul is experiencing a physical presence, a physical reality through an ephemeral body; you are the viewer of a multi-dimensional movie that you are simultaneously directing.

To all the parts of my consciousness that never wanted to be me, rejoice in the fact that your discomfort has been with your false ego self anyway.
Surrender your false identity, the one you loathed all this time, to Me, and be relieved that your are not now nor have ever been the person you wished you weren't. How great is it that all of that self-hatred has been toward a version of you that is not real anyway?
Surrender your ego and its need for the validation of pain to Me, and return home to your God-self. She has been waiting patiently for you to see, feel, and know her presence. How do you feel knowing that the version of you you had wished you weren't isn't you? Do you feel the release, the sense of surrender? With this acknowledgement of the truth, you are now experiencing the truth, are you not? Be sure to rejoice in this moment of divine recalibration. 

The Inner Child and Pain

6/28/2021
    My inner child has been resistant to the healing process I have been in engaged in lately. She views my current beliefs as lies that I am leaning on to comfort myself. For her, pain has been her eternal truth and oddly, also a comfort. It had seemed that anguish was the only constant and therefore the only thing she could rely upon. Pain was her whole world and she embraced it as some sort of token. I know this because when I broke my ankle last year, the agony of that injury was NOT by primary source of distress. Indeed, later, I would use my physical therapy stretches to purposely induce pain when I felt emotionally distressed. It had become a desirable companion for my inner child and thus for me. Physical and emotional agony became a way for me to feel alive and I still seek out pain. My insatiable desire to test my physical limits stems, in part, from my willingness to experience extreme discomfort.
    And yet, as crazy as my inner child sounds, I have come to understand this absurd obsession. The truth of the matter is that the only way for her to survive in her environment was to find a way to embrace the pain, to find a way to love the world she found herself in. But unfortunately, when she did this, it was the ego self that embraced it, claiming she deserved every moment of suffering. So while my inner child continued to believe this, I continued to have the world mirror that belief back to me, over and over and over again.
    This does not mean that I never experienced moments of pure, unadulterated bliss and joy, it just means that when I did experience anguish, I would think "It's ok. Let me have it. I can handle this. I can accept the punishment I deserve."

Awakening From the Dream of Abuse

From the book and the chapter called 'Love Without Conditions':
"...if the soul awakens to the truth that its worth is not dependent on anything or anyone outside its mind or experience, it will establish itself  in the Source of Love and awaken from the dream of abuse. 
"Awakening from the dream of abuse means rejecting the illusion that you are not lovable as you are."
    This is the excerpt I want to attempt to expound upon today because this is a very important transformation for us to strive for in our lives. When you carry with you memories of abuse or of being shunned by your peers for being different, you start to believe, as I put it, that if no one outside of you can see your worth, then maybe it isn't there.
    Since my adoptive parents became the exception to the rule that I was too strange to receive love from others, this is the false belief I had internalized. Letting this false belief go after years of internalizing other people's view of you is not easy. Repeated exposure to mistreatment creates multiple layers of rock hard doubt since you begin to wonder, "if I have worth then why did so-and-so do x to me?" or "If I have worth, why did this happen?"
    For me it meant that I started doubting that I had anything of value to offer, partly because I began to believe that everyone found me annoying.  So how do we turn the rock of doubt into sand and let the wind take it away? As with every ingrained thought pattern, we must begin by identifying all of those events and circumstances that made us feel less than and send each one love and compassion. Be sure to give each version of you loving compassion as well, even for your own mistakes.
    In time, you will eventually feel ready to extend your love, compassion, and eventually forgiveness, to the people who mistreated you. Start with the smaller transgressions before attempting to do this with traumatic events. The key to handling the big stuff is to remember that nothing anyone does to you lessens your worthiness/deservingness and to try to view the person who harmed you as a wounded child who feels abandoned by love. Know that when people are taught that they are better than others, they will feel they have the right (and even a need) to demonstrate their power over some subgroup. This is because they believe if they don't prove themselves to be the shark, they will be the minnow, they will be preyed upon.    

Addressing the Inner Child

    As expressed in an earlier post, I truly feel as though I have mostly gotten over the events of the past. And while that is still true, it is also true that my inner child has not done so. Sadly, I admit that whenever the past came to the forefront of my mind, instead of seeing it as my inner child calling for healing and comfort from me, I responded with proclamations of apathy towards the event, thinking to myself, 'It's fine. I'm over it.'
    What I had failed to recognize is that the key difference between her healing process and mine is that mine is not hindered by explicit memories of the traumas. It is easy for me to find comfort in the idea that I, as a soul, chose this life; in the idea that my father was/is simply a deeply wounded and lost soul when I have no recollection of the pain and the terror. I may have dug up some nitty gritty details about the event, but having that knowledge is not even close to the same thing as carrying vivid memories of the experience.
    This means that she still does not trust God, she does not trust the world, and she does not yet trust herself. And while that mistrust exists in my inner child, it remains in my consciousness as well. This mistrust is what has allowed my circumstances to paralyze me; I am convinced that no matter what course of action I might choose, I will make the "wrong" choice or that there will be some trap laid for me behind every door.
    With that all said, here's something I wrote to address the wounded child within:
I am sorry I keep abandoning you. I promise to pay closer attention to your needs. I shall listen for you daily and send all the love and comfort I can to you. I will no longer presume we are both over it. I will no longer pretend that this was some small hurdle to get over. You have every right to be hung up on this terrible event. Come to me and rest your head on my shoulder; you may cry if you must.
    Let me hold you in my arms. Let me show you what safety feels like for that is the new truth for us to know. Let me tell you a story about how far we have come, about how much of the world we have seen. We have surprised people with our tenacity and perseverance. We have comforted people with our words and our presence. We became friends to those whom most needed a friend. It is because of you that I know myself to be strong and courageous. You are not weak for reliving this; you are not weak for weeping over this. It's truly a tragedy we experienced.
    But know that God is lifting the trauma from us. The healing grace of God is rewriting our DNA. Maybe one day you won't feel that this is too little, too late. Every moment we suffered has a divine purpose. We are not the martyr here, nor the victim. Please join me on my journey to discover the true, divinely powerful essence of our soul. Just last week, I briefly felt its expansiveness and its ancient knowledge. I knew and felt its eternal life in me.

Learning To Listen

Excerpts from the chapter "Learning to Listen" in  Love Without Conditions:

'Learn to be present with your experience. I'm not saying "try to figure it out". '"Being with" is not an analytical activity. Indeed, recognize that you cannot figure your experience out. You can either be with it or intellectualize it, which of course is an escape.'

'There are times when external reality simply closes down around you and the only appropriate place to go is within.'

'When you refuse to take time to be with your experience it seems as though you are a victim of what happens in your life. That is a great self-deception.'

'The truth is that life is neither blessing you nor punishing you. It is working with you to help you awaken to the truth of who you are. It (life) is giving you constant feedback and correction but you do not choose to listen.'

Questions to consider from the reading:
'Why am I going through this transition time?'
'Is there something in my focus that needs to change?'
Answers: I am going through this transition time to unlearn the belief that I do not belong anywhere. My early life experiences led me to believe that I was unwanted, that I did not belong anywhere, that I would always be shunted to the side, shunned, ostracized. And so the world has often reflected that false belief back to me. This is the time to rewrite the script; to choose God's truth of who I am and whose I am instead of the ideas of my miseducation.

I need to focus on all the ways in which God has proven this belief to be false. I need to stop judging myself for my seeming inability to move forward in life. I need to instead focus on all the ways I have helped people and all the ways people have helped me. I need to express gratitude for the experiences God has given me that prove my ego wrong.

God's Gifts To Me; Love Without Conditions

    This year for my birthday, my mom gave me a book called Love Without Conditions and told me I should just open it up at random and read whatever chapter I land on. So I did that once last night and again this morning. This morning, the two most important excerpts that popped out at me were the following (TW: the 1st excerpt mentions r*pe): 

"Everything in your experience can be endowed with spiritual qualities by bringing                 your love, acceptance, or forgiveness to it. Even a terminal illness, a rape, or a                         murder can be transformed by the power of your love."

"The one who trespasses on you is just a reflection of your own lack of self worth. You created his presence in your mirror. Stand up, confess your hatred for yourself and let that other person go."

    The author also brings up key questions to ask in order to find the true reason why certain things occurred in our lives: How does this situation help me learn to love more fully? What does it ask me to give that I am still withholding?
I want you to read everything below through the lens of the following sentiment (from a previous post of mine) that I plan to hold close to my heart every day: "If my own deep wounds are what enable me to heal others more deeply, then it is my privilege to carry these wounds."

My thoughts: While I firmly believe everything written above, I also believe that in the case of children who suffer at the hands of their parents, what occurs is as a result of our souls having chosen those circumstances. Perhaps my soul also carried the miseducation of self-loathing from other lifetimes. Either way, those circumstances certainly reinforced in our minds, the idea that we were unlovable leading my siblings and me to experience a fairly severe and chronic level of self-hatred which means we likely all frequently encountered people who tested our willingness to forgive.
    But I am open to seeing the whole of my past as God's gifts to me. I am open to learning how to love, accept, and forgive every painful chapter of my story. These events taught me that I have been withholding love from myself. These events taught me that the only worthwhile way out of despair is through, for that is how we harness our power. This book has taught me that the pain I have felt in my heart was the result of me feeling separated from God and His love due to my belief that I was clearly unlovable.
    TW: Believe it or not, my primary struggle is not centered around forgiving the trauma my father caused me, but around forgiving the Department of Social Services who failed to see how dangerous it was for us to be left in the care of our biological parents. Even after my sister's twin passed away (under suspicious circumstances) and after the tragedy of my rape, DSS decided to occasionally bring us back to our biological parents while we were in foster care...
    And this leads me nicely to what came up to be released last night. I had held the belief that the world (or God) would always send me back to a place of suffering. I didn't realize I believed this because I am capable of fully leaning into experiences of profound joy and frequently believe that I must have reached the final peak, that from here on out I will always be happy*...of course, those moments, even when they last for days, come to an end and I find myself back in a valley with my sight obscured once more. Sometimes in the valley, I find myself wondering "why would anyone love me? (A thought that stemmed from the belief that if my own biological parents couldn't love me, no one could.) I'm too strange, weird, crazy, and eccentric to be loved."
    Other times I suddenly feel irrevocably dirty. I've done both a Tough Mudder and the Appalachian Trail, where I averaged a shower or two per week, but those didn't make me feel as filthy as the knowledge of the sexual assault I survived. I compare it to feeling like a tissue that's been sneezed in that no one dares to touch. People aren't lying when they say that their experience of SA made them feel like trash.
    Rest assured, I have successfully traversed each of these valleys and will always do so. I am here as both the student of my own life and as the teacher; as the answers come to me regarding my own fears and concerns, I share them with others. Granted, I often feel that I am failing the very course I claim to teach, but I strive to walk the walk, I strive to reach a place of absolute acceptance and forgiveness and to help others figure it out as I make my way. 

* My claim here is not that I will never feel sorrow again, but that I feel certain that I am completely over the pain of the past & am ready to move forward. 

Each Moment is a Stepping Stone

We must be careful not to judge the moment.
For each moment is a stepping stone
leading us to God.

If we begin to judge the moment
we will simply prolong the suffering of it;
We will simply stay on a stone
in the middle of the river
all because we believe
there are no more stones to follow.

The stepping stone you are on
may feel precarious and unstable,
and the next one may seem too far away,
but when you reach a place of equanimity,
both problems shall be resolved.

If your life looks anything like mine,
you'd say it seems quite messy,
you'd say that it contains
an absurd amount of chaos
and unsettling entropy.
So I know how hard it is
not to fall to your knees and
throw your hands up in despair.
I know how hard it is
not to judge the cards life dealt you.

But we mustn't judge the moments,
no matter what they hold.
For they are merely stepping stones,
bringing us to God.

Some Magic is Afoot

There's some magic afoot.
I can't tell you how I know this,
I just feel it in the air I breathe
and sense it brushing against my skin.
The summer solstice has arrived
and with it eager spirits
hoping to lend us a helping hand.
They wish to remind us
just what we're here to do.
And if you close your eyes and listen
you might hear them whisper in your ear,
    'You have so much more potential
    than you ever dared to dream.
    Don't forget, you're ancient souls
    just like us...
    so you don't have to live within
    the restrictions of your human world.
    Step outside your realm a while
    and feel the magic in your soul.'
Another says,
    'Feel your soul expand,
    the boundaries of  your mind,
    filling it with the wisdom of lifetimes.
    When you allow this to happen,
    you will have uncovered your true divinity,
    your true identity'
Taking their advice to heart,
I give my soul permission to lead the way.
The last thing I hear
is that there is always magic in the air
for our souls are always here.

A Conversation With God cont.

The conversation continues:

You keep claiming I am here to do big things, but how can someone as insignificant and broken as me be capable of such greatness? Haven't you seen how meaningless my life looks to me? Why should I believe that someone like me could bring such change?

My dear child, you have simply forgotten your true identity, your significance. You have never been broken. No child of mine is. Blind and forgetful, yes. But never broken. Your life may look meaningless and messy, but the fact remains that ONLY someone like you can bring this change. Your experience of absolute powerlessness gave you the knowledge you needed to rediscover your power. Those events GAVE you the power to reshape the world for mankind, one ripple at a time. More people will be inclined to follow one who has intimate knowledge of darkness and despair and who has conquered the darkness and despair in their own life. Don't underestimate the power you have gained by overcoming tragedy.

But what makes me any more (or less) remarkable than other survivors? Can't anyone else equally qualify? I may think big and dream big, but I rarely believe that I'll be the one to do it.

My dear child, the significance lies in both your soul and your human experience. Only you are capable of making these changes. People will be and are receptive to your soul and your history. Your must do your best to remember yourself. I will be here to remind you until you can remember on your own. 

A Conversation With God

    Last Thursday, I took part in a group meditation in which we all imagined our inner child having a conversation with God. While we were descending into the meditative state, I showed my inner child all the amazing moments in my life in which I met wonderful people who supported me through my various adventures. I showed her every instance I could remember in which I said 'yes' to the world and the world said 'yes' to me. The latest event having happened June 13th this year; I was given the opportunity to be Worship Leader for my chapel and the feedback afterward was incredible. It was important to use these precious moments to remind her that she need not mistrust the world, herself, or God. Of course, she needed a lot more assurance, but I began the process of shifting her beliefs. But here is how it went.

Why should I trust you? All you've done is give me a life in which everything is taken from me. My power, my sleep, my comfort, my peace, my siblings...I could go on. And how were you there for me when I needed you most?

But I WAS there for you and with you the whole time. I could not intervene, for that lesson was your choice.

What kind of lesson could a 2 year old possibly learn from that kind of betrayal? And stop telling me it was my choice. SHOW me it was my choice. Because all I have are the memories stored in my human consciousness and not the soul's. So how can I possibly believe this?

Look again into your future, child. You will be able to see that this was indeed your choice when you use the lessons you learned through your pain to empower the disempowered.

But no one listens to me or sees me. No one sees what I have to offer through all my craziness.

That reality and belief in that reality is of the past, my child. What did you just witness June 13th, 2021? Isn't that proof enough that a brand new chapter has begun for you in which people see you and take what you have to offer seriously?

Yes, but they already know me. What about the world at large?

You were also shown the Appalachian Trail and the trip through Europe, were you not? Hitch-hiking through France? Trust me, dear child, you are ready and the world is ready for you. Just go out there and SHINE.

To be continued...

The Beauty of My Path

Looking back,
I don't know how I made it this far.
There were times I was ready to quit,
there were times when I dared God to take me out.
I wanted to leave my suffering behind
and felt the easiest way to do so
would be to leave the world behind.
Looking back,
I'm amazed at the terrain I have traversed.
I can see from here
that the valleys were so deep,
they never saw the sun.
I can see from here
that during much of my blind climb,
I was unwittingly close to a precipice.
Luckily, it was in those places,
I had a friend's hand to hold,
while God's hand was placed firmly
and lovingly behind my heart.
Due to all the darkness that overwhelmed my sight,
I never knew in all that time,
that I was moving forward.
Yet here I am standing in the light.
And from here I can see the beauty
in my often dark and windy path.

Where Our Honor Lies

I have chosen to believe that the depth of my wounds
show the depth of my strength and courage.
I have chosen to see the profound nature of my past suffering
as proof of my invulnerability and fearlessness.
I have chosen to believe that my trauma taught me
how to heal myself so that I may share my discoveries with others.

I have learned that trauma
is not supposed to become a badge of honor.
Honor does not emanate from our suffering
but from our healing.
When we choose to heal ourselves
instead of allowing our inner turmoil to ripple outward,
to be disseminated to other beings,
when we choose to seek forgiveness and acceptance
over self-righteous anger and blame,
then we will have honored ourselves, our history,
and honored God's plan for our salvation.
When we reach a place where we can view
our painful past with equanimity
and view ourselves with unconditional loving compassion,
that is where our honor lies.
For once we do this for ourselves,
it will become easier to see the world
through the lens of unconditional loving compassion
and therefore easier to forgive all transgressions
past, present, and to be.

What we learn from our past suffering
is meant to be our gift to the world.
Our choice to grow, to love, to live courageously
is our gift to the world.
Our choice to rise again and again in the face of hardships
is our gift to the world.
For these things give the world
reasons to be hopeful;
these things give all beings
reasons to believe in themselves when all seems lost;
these things give people the courage to persevere.

Divinely Qualified

This post was written to release the layers behind "I can't":

I claim 'I can't because I am not ready',
but what would happen if I were to lean on God between each step?
I claim 'I can't because I am unqualified',
but what if a lack of "qualifications"
doesn't make what I have to offer any less valuable?
And what if there are a vast number of people
who know this and are willing to help?
I claim 'I can't because I am undeserving,'
but what if I am still deluding myself
with the misperceptions of my peers in the past?
What if I let that go and let God's vision of me replace these illusions?
I claim 'I can't because people won't be able to see what I have to offer',
but what if I could see that God shall pave my way?

What if, in truth,
I am brilliant and powerful
and divinely qualified for God's vision for me?
What if I could see that truth?
What would I do with it?
What if, in truth,
I am full of compassion, wisdom, and grace?
What if those are my divine qualifications?
What if I could accept and trust these qualifications to carry me forward?
What would I do with them?
What if, in truth,
I am eternally loved, supported,
and guided by Mother, Father, God?
What if I could know that and feel it in my bones?
What would I do then?
Where would I go?
What if, in truth,
I already had everything I needed within me?
What if I could see and feel that with my whole being?
Who could stop me from fulfilling God's plan if I were to acknowledge these truths?

It's Hurts Too Much to Say Goodbye

It's no easy thing to let things go...
Especially when they're tied
to someone who has passed.
It feels like a second goodbye...
And I am still reeling from the first one;
I'm not ready to say it again.

The empty walls, the imprints in the carpets,
the yawning spaces between
what furniture is left,
all the emptiness casts echoes
through my freshly hollowed heart.
I cannot keep the grief at bay,
for I couldn't even say
goodbye from the start.

I was there, by his side the night he died.
But I could not bear to say it.
Instead, I simply said,
"It's ok. You may go if you must."
And now I must find a way
to be at peace
as I watch these precious items slip away.

Why do goodbyes wound the mortal heart?
Why must we shoulder grief as we bid farewell?
I know his soul is free at last,
so why does his freedom hurt me so?

All I can say is that it hurts too much to say goodbye,
but I wish you well, and I'm glad your soul can soar.

The Soul Knows No Sin

While we identify with the soul,
we shall perceive no sin.
Because sin is a human perception
seen and felt through human experiences.
However, since no harm can come to the soul,
the soul can see no sin.

When someone harms us physically or emotionally,
it is through our human senses
and our human consciousness
that we perceive the wrongdoing.

But our souls know not to take these on
as our own grievances.
Our souls see that the root of all
harmful, misguided actions taken by others
is actually the deeply held, wounding misunderstanding
that they are all alone in a wicked and hostile world;
that no one has their back;
that no one can possibly love them
because they have been broken
and discarded.

Human experiences can and often do
overpower the subtle peace and power of the soul,
because the chaos outside of us
is so much more tangible and disturbing,
it becomes more hypnotizing
than the inconspicuous quietude
our souls would offer us.

So 'Sin' is truly the incapacitation
or paralysis of one's soul.
'Sin' is the soul's inability to speak;
'Sin' is the soul's inability to be heard
by human consciousness
over the cacophony
of chaos. 

Emerging Victorious

    The positivity in my latest posts should not be deemed as evidence of me pretending. Every time something serious comes up for me to deal with, I feel and acknowledge the negative emotions for a moment and then immediately, look for the silver linings and lean into those. On top of that, since I have been holding onto that particular nightmare for quite some time, any new knowledge surrounding it, no matter how crazy, doesn't sway me as much as you'd expect. It seems that once I got used to my wound, finding out that it's a bit deeper than I thought doesn't really upset me. Yes, there may have been some suppression going on, as is often the case, actually, but I was dealing with the harder emotions more readily and more productively than before. Plus, the positive emotions that came up far outweighed the negative ones due to the fact that I am mostly used to addressing the healing of this wound.
 
    I didn't get into the other good thing that came with the new knowledge I gained and that is that I have been experiencing an extraordinary level of healing, like maybe I was re-writing my DNA or in the process of reversing the impact of cellular memory. This healing may not have included sleep unfortunately, but that, too, should be remedied soon. The insomnia also relates to the trauma I've been discussing. As an outsider looking in, you may doubt what I have said thus far, but truly, I feel better now than I did a week ago. And I have let go of the shame this storyline gave me and instead see myself as someone who stands victorious over a past that has tried its best to destroy me. 

Emerging Victorious

After years of battling a silent foe,
I have finally clambered out of the smoky wasteland,
the echoes of chaos still ringing in my ear.

It didn't end the way I expected,
for one doesn't go to war
believing it should end in a draw.

I had thought I had to outsmart
and outmaneuver my opponent.
But then I realized...
that the opponent was myself,
not a figure of the past.
So I needed to find a different tact.

Self-pity battled self-motivation,
self flagellation battled self-confidence,
and self-hatred battled self-love.

For more than half the war, it appeared
that the shadows of my ego would surely win.
For my mind had dwelled longer in darkness
than it had in light.
But then one day, I discovered,
that I was no longer alone on the battlefield;
I looked around and saw my friends.
In truth, I was never alone;
but I did not learn that til near the very end.

With my friends by my side,
and with the power of the pen in my hand,
I finally put down my arms,
and sent my thought to be foe,
love, love, and more love.

For now I see these shadows
are what enabled me to live.
These shadows were created in war,
in a battle to survive;
and warring them again
will not help them unlearn
what they had learned through fear.

So here we are at battle's end,
and somehow, my foe is now my friend.
For I have finally allowed self-compassion
to heal the wounded ego.
I had judged my wounds and
the shortcomings that stemmed from them
as one would a source of evil.
But now I see these through the lens of compassion.

So I take a moment to recognize
that though I fought in darkness
with my feet often mired in muck,
I have emerged victorious
out of the nightmares of hard luck.

The Miracle Beyond

 An excerpt from the ACIM lesson 78: "Let miracles replace all grievances."
    "Today we go beyond the grievances, to look upon the miracle instead. We will reverse the way to see by not allowing sight to stop before it sees. We will not wait before the shield of hate, but lay it down and gently lift our eyes in the silence to behold the Son of God.
    "He waits for you behind your grievances, and as you lay them down he will appear in shining light where each one stood before. For every grievance is a block to sight and as it lifts you see the Son of God where he has always been. He stands in light but you were in the dark. Each grievance made the darkness deeper and you could not see."

'Let me behold my savior in this one
You have appointed as the one for me
To ask to lead me to the holy light
In which he stands, that I may join with him.' 

The Miracle Beyond

I could not see then what I see now.
I could not see God's blessing
hidden beyond the pain.
I could not see God's grace
hidden in the midst of despair.
I did not know that I could gain
greater vision in the darkness.

But now I  can see the miracle
beyond the turmoil.
Now I can see the miracle
beyond the hopelessness of circumstance.
Now I can behold the miracle
of growth and transformation within me.
Now I can behold the full extent
of my strength and fortitude.
Now I can behold the full extent
of my courage and grace.

I can now see the transgressor
as my shepherd, leading me to the light within.
I can now see the power I have harnessed
by deciding to choose the path
that leads to acceptance and forgiveness.
I can now see the miracle beyond;
the miracle of a golden dawn,
after what seemed to be
a ceaseless midnight.

My Life Raft in the Storm

    I finally got sleep last night and had such a love filled prayer call this morning with people wishing me a happy birthday. It is the greatest blessing to know you are appreciated after having believed otherwise for so long. There is so much love in my chapel community, I feel buoyed by it daily. They are truly a life raft in the midst of a storm tossed sea. I want you all to know that the extent of the stormy weather I endured that I am about to share, has brought me to a deep indwelling well of hope, courage, and self-compassion. The storm has surely passed, and I am basking in the warm sun of my present gift of the love I have received from my friends and family, including my chapel family.
 
    I feel that I have reached such a state of forgiveness and acceptance that the new knowledge I attained between the 5th and the 6th about the extent of my trauma has not caused me to feel off-centered or unbalanced. At least, not after the good night's sleep I had on the 5th. For most of the last decade or so, when I finally stopped denying the truth behind my trigger word, I kept thinking to myself, 'at least it only happened once'.
    But now I know, through muscle testing, that although that trauma only occurred on one particular day, it happened more than once and lasted hours.  And in my post about the suppressed memory, I had said 'perhaps this trauma included a near death experience or something'. Well I have a confession to make. I had already tested that theory with muscle testing and it was confirmed. But, surprisingly, this confirmation actually brought me hope, helped me feel a deeper sense of self-compassion, and made me believe that I am here for a big reason after all. It brought me hope because it made me feel as though perhaps I have a memory of the other side, of heaven, tucked away somewhere. It gave me the knowledge that my sister's twin, who had passed away a month before this traumatic event, must have encouraged me to come back and finish the job. So please know that despite how heavy this information may appear, it has actually lifted so much weight from me.

A Very Tired 29th

So today I am 29 and I have no plans on how to spend my day. Which it turns out, is a good thing...because I didn't sleep last night. Despite what was on my mind all night, I wasn't feeling stressed or anxious...at least, not exactly. Lately I've been having these new bizarre sensations that seem to indicate that I am healing deep layers rapidly. Just my current theory, but I might know more this afternoon. They initially started whenever I repeated my intention of forgiveness. But now sometimes they don't need me to state the intentions in order to get that sensation.
My mom and I are going to go out to eat sometime this week when I feel I can safely drive on the beltway (i.e. not too tired.) and then we're going to watch some old videos taken of my sister and I when we were practically toddlers. Right now though, I might lay down and try to rest my eyes a bit before my one planned, low key event.

Birthday Eve Prayer of Thanks

Dear God, thank you for another trip around the sun.
Thank you for highlighting the magic in my life.
Dear God, thank you for allowing me to become part of this loving community that I have found in the Takoma Park Chapel.
Thank you for bringing people into my life who are willing and able to remind me of and show me my worth.
I thank you God for bringing me to a place where I am encouraged to use my voice, where I am assured that I have valuable things to offer.
I am truly blessed to be surrounded by people who are finding surprising ways to lift me up, to empower me, and who are teaching me to fly.
Their generosity fills my heart with so much joy, for I never knew these blessings were coming, I didn't know I deserved them.
Their compliments, their assurances, and their loving sentiments are beginning to replace the bully that lived in my head all these years.
Dear God, thank you for carrying me to this precious moment.
There was a time when I could not have imagined such a gift as this; a place where I could discover my inner magic, a place where I could truly know belonging.
There was a time when I thought that I did not belong anywhere, but now I have been shown the truth.
Thank you God for all of the blessings in my life.
Thank you for the gift of the trail, thank you for the gift of vagabonding in Europe and thank you for the upcoming gift of vagabonding through the states.
Dear God, your blessings truly know no bounds and I give thanks. 

Held Back By A Suppressed Memory?

 CW/TW: discusses trauma/mentions the four letter r-word 
    Before you read through this I just want to say that my current mental and emotional state is healthy and balanced. I was briefly thrown out of balance last night, but I have re-centered myself. Do not see this post as an invitation to a pity party. Lately I have started to write more specifically about subject matter that I typically try to either leave out or allow my audience to infer because I am getting closer and closer each day to reaching a place of acceptance and forgiveness of the past. Despite what I describe below, I count yesterday as a beautiful blessing of a day.
    So yesterday held a nice surprise. A friend of mine from high school called in the afternoon and offered to bring by some extra groceries that his aunt had gotten for him. Shortly after he arrived and I put the things away he offered to take me out to dinner. All of this without remembering that my birthday is right around the corner. So we go out to eat at a nice seafood place on the water with a beer garden, though we didn't indulge. As is the case with all of my friends, we had a very intriguing conversation while waiting for our meal.
    Now, here we are waiting to be served the food we ordered, and he is confirming that the reason I keep gnawing at the past is because there is some suppressed memory or detail of an event that I need to know about that is still holding me back from all that I am hoping to accomplish. Which is a bit mind blowing because I can't fathom what suppressed memory could be worse than the knowledge that I survived being raped by my biological father. Later in the evening I realized that maybe it's not that I have to recall a different event, but something specific about it. Like perhaps this trauma included a near death experience or something.
    Once again, be rest assured that I'm not feeling overwhelmed by this news at the moment and actually feel like I am more ready to deal with it than I did last night. Nothing I learn about my past surprises me anymore, but learning about what happened is vastly different than remembering, so I still count myself lucky that I don't recall anything. The news didn't stop me from sleeping (I had CBD and Valerian).

The Power of Salvation

    In A Course in Miracles, it states that salvation is the undoing of what never was. That is to say, it is the unlearning of the miseducation of the ego. Our egos have led us to believe that we are guilty, unworthy, and separate from God. Lesson 72 in ACIM states that "holding grievances is an attack on God's plan for salvation." My conclusion here is that forgiveness and salvation are almost certainly one and the same...or the former leads us directly to the latter.
    When I view those whom I most need to forgive in their original, sinless, innocent form, when I view them as wounded children yearning to feel cherished, I am undoing what never was. By viewing them as beloved children of God, I am re-writing their stories of pain with stories of their undeniable holiness. I am re-writing my own history of pain with the knowledge that what occurred was not proof of my unworthiness, was not proof of my unlovability, or my lack of belonging. And I acknowledge that my father's actions were also not proof of his unworthiness, unlovability, or lack of belonging, just proof that he felt hopelessly alone in a world of darkness and despair.

Forgiveness is the means through which we reach our salvation.
Forgiveness entails perceiving who we were
before we thought ourselves abandoned by God, by love;
forgiveness entails perceiving who our villains were
before they thought themselves abandoned by God, by love.
The divine power of salvation rests in our very hearts, in our very souls.
When we remember our own divinity
and when we can see through the smoke,
when we can peer through the chaos caused by lost souls
and see our brothers' and sisters' divinity,
we shall set ourselves free
and grant the promise of salvation
to those who have harmed us.
After we do this work, it will be up to them
to set themselves free,
for we will have only shown the way.
However your own freedom from grievances
shall be the imperceptible draft from a butterfly's wing
creating a monsoon on the other side of the world,
it shall create a domino effect
throughout mass consciousness;
for it is no small thing
to release the weight of your grievances
in a world where chaos still yet reigns.

To Become the Master of My Fate

I gently close my eyes and travel back in time.
Back to a time when I was scarcely ever safe.
Back to a time when I didn't know I was cherished.
I am just two years old here, in this scene.
I sweep my tiny self gently into my arms and caress her tenderly.
As I comfort her, I sense behind me God's heavenly host of angels.
One of them places their hands on my shoulders,
fortifying me with courage, with healing grace.
I feel them surrounding me,
each one has their hands placed on the shoulders
of the heavenly beings in front of them so that I receive love from all of them.
While standing here, in front of the event I am intent on healing from
and with the heavenly host standing steadfast behind me,
in my mind, I repeat:
        'I forgive you, father.
        I forgive you, father.
        I forgive you, father.'
My inner child hears my thoughts and is puzzled.
        'Why are you trying to forgive him for this?'
'Because,' I mutter,
        'I know that he is in far more pain than he is causing us.
        He cannot see through his anguish.
        But you need not attempt to forgive him
        in this moment if you are not ready.
        It is enough that I do so for now.'
The angels around me add,
        'You must know, we want to intercede here,
        but this was something you chose to overcome.
        See past this pain, see through it, into his humanity; see his own wounded child.
        This event was agreed upon by his soul and yours,
        so condemn him not.
        And be rest assured that this means that even here,
        you are not the victim.
        You came here and chose this
        so that you could learn how to become,
        the "master of your fate" and the "captain of your soul".'

With that, my inner child begins to chant with me,
        'I forgive you, father.
        I forgive you, father.
        I forgive you, father.'

The Truth About Depression

    Last night, while struggling for the umpteenth time to sleep, I wrote:

When in the midst of my lows,

I feel ready to leave the world behind,

because I don't know how else
to escape what's on my mind.

    I may not have done this as often in my writing, but I often play the Gemini card and claim that's the primary reason for my ups and downs. I don't officially have bipolar disorder and I don't believe my highs would ever count as mania so much as feeling high on life. But my downs are tricky and they last a long time because after the unexpected nose-dive into depression, there's a bit of a hang over period where I begin to judge myself for being temperamental, for getting depressive all over again. And to top it off, when I'm experiencing rock bottom, I refuse to reach out because my number one rule is to not be a burden on anyone.
    Obviously, I have failed at that on a number of occasions and wanted to be swallowed up by the earth afterward; I can't bear the thought of adding weight to someone else's load. That doesn't mean I never share my history, it just means that I try to make sure that either A: I am in a positive enough mood not to bring the person down in my sharing or B: that the person is ok with hearing my truth. However, shortly after my biological mother told me that there was a very real reason for me to have a trigger word, my desire at times, was to have someone commiserate with me. Like I said, I know I sometimes fail at upholding my own rule, and each time there was regret.
    What some people don't fully understand about mental illness is that we lose ourselves entirely in anxiety. Believe me, we WANT to snap out of it, but our logical mind is out of commission when we experience depression, leaving us high & dry since we can't remember or properly grasp & use the coping skills we may have gained. I have days where I am convinced that everyone either hates me or is, at the very least, simply putting up with me. And one time I came to the crazy conclusion that the only way for me to save my relationships was to email an apology to the group with a not so subtle undertone of self-loathing...just to make sure they knew how sorry I was for my faux pas. I have days where I think, "How can anyone love me when I'm clearly a wreck?"

30 Before 30

    Now although I've done this type of list before, I feel that it is important to do this exercise again this year; almost every time my birthday approaches, I start thinking of all the things I failed to achieve, didn't do, or didn't complete. I didn't get my teaching certificate. I never held a job I thoroughly enjoyed (not for long, anyway). I never made $15 an hour or had the opportunity to claim the benefits of a 40 hour work week. I never had a place to call my own. Now some of these, or maybe all of these, are not my fault. Anyway, today I've challenged myself to make a list of 30 things I DID accomplish before 30 (although I'll be 29 this year). This list includes things big and small because it's time for me to acknowledge that there is no such thing as a small success when you're simultaneously handling anxiety, depression, and chronic insomnia induced by past traumas.

1.) Broke the school track record for the mile and earned a total of 4 track medals in middle school.
2.) Joined marching band and symphonic band in high school.
3.) Nailed a trumpet solo in senior year of high school.
4.) Graduated from high school as a member of the National Honor Society.
5.) Became the 1st in my family to complete a four year college degree.
6.) Spent 2 weeks in Maine hiking the 100 Mile Wilderness.
7.) Spent 10 days in Montana doing trail maintenance with the Sierra Club.
8.) Volunteered to work at a summer camp for children on the Autism Spectrum.
9.) Volunteered to work for MD Special Olympics to celebrate my birthday.
10.) Started a poetry club in high school.
11.) Got a short story published.
12.) Got a couple of poems published.
13.) Got a full scholarship to Montgomery College.
14.) Worked one summer as a paid counselor for a couple of children on the Autism Spectrum.
15.) Overcame a fear of driving and got a driver's license and a car.
16.) Became conversational in French & memorized 16 French songs.
17.) Got straight A's one semester in college.
18.) Started a blog.
19.) Hiked the entire Appalachian Trail with my own money.
20.) Ended up in someone else's  blog/book about the A.T.
21.) Was interviewed for a podcast about A.T. thru-hikers.
22.) Ended up in a documentary about women thru-hiking the A.T.
23.) Spent 8 months in Europe on a self funded trip.
24.) Became the plant-care coordinator for a Community Supported Agriculture Scheme in England.
25.) Launched a writing class for my chapel community.
26.) Self-published my own book of poetry.
27.) Finished a 9 mile Tough Mudder race.
28.) Wrote and recited meditations for events hosted by my chapel.
29.) Spent my spring break volunteering to help with hurricane relief in Alabama in 10th grade.
30.) Walked the El Camino in France and Spain.

And I have also managed to heal myself well enough to experience emotional and physical intimacy with someone which, believe it or not, is no small feat.