This year for my birthday, my mom gave me a book called Love Without Conditions and told me I should just open it up at random and read whatever chapter I land on. So I did that once last night and again this morning. This morning, the two most important excerpts that popped out at me were the following (TW: the 1st excerpt mentions r*pe):
"Everything in your experience can be endowed with spiritual qualities by bringing your love, acceptance, or forgiveness to it. Even a terminal illness, a rape, or a murder can be transformed by the power of your love."
"The one who trespasses on you is just a reflection of your own lack of self worth. You created his presence in your mirror. Stand up, confess your hatred for yourself and let that other person go."
The author also brings up key questions to ask in order to find the true reason why certain things occurred in our lives: How does this situation help me learn to love more fully? What does it ask me to give that I am still withholding?
I want you to read everything below through the lens of the following sentiment (from a previous post of mine) that I plan to hold close to my heart every day: "If my own deep wounds are what enable me to heal others more deeply, then it is my privilege to carry these wounds."
My thoughts: While I firmly believe everything written above, I also believe that in the case of children who suffer at the hands of their parents, what occurs is as a result of our souls having chosen those circumstances. Perhaps my soul also carried the miseducation of self-loathing from other lifetimes. Either way, those circumstances certainly reinforced in our minds, the idea that we were unlovable leading my siblings and me to experience a fairly severe and chronic level of self-hatred which means we likely all frequently encountered people who tested our willingness to forgive.
But I am open to seeing the whole of my past as God's gifts to me. I am open to learning how to love, accept, and forgive every painful chapter of my story. These events taught me that I have been withholding love from myself. These events taught me that the only worthwhile way out of despair is through, for that is how we harness our power. This book has taught me that the pain I have felt in my heart was the result of me feeling separated from God and His love due to my belief that I was clearly unlovable.
TW: Believe it or not, my primary struggle is not centered around forgiving the trauma my father caused me, but around forgiving the Department of Social Services who failed to see how dangerous it was for us to be left in the care of our biological parents. Even after my sister's twin passed away (under suspicious circumstances) and after the tragedy of my rape, DSS decided to occasionally bring us back to our biological parents while we were in foster care...
And this leads me nicely to what came up to be released last night. I had held the belief that the world (or God) would always send me back to a place of suffering. I didn't realize I believed this because I am capable of fully leaning into experiences of profound joy and frequently believe that I must have reached the final peak, that from here on out I will always be happy*...of course, those moments, even when they last for days, come to an end and I find myself back in a valley with my sight obscured once more. Sometimes in the valley, I find myself wondering "why would anyone love me? (A thought that stemmed from the belief that if my own biological parents couldn't love me, no one could.) I'm too strange, weird, crazy, and eccentric to be loved."
Other times I suddenly feel irrevocably dirty. I've done both a Tough Mudder and the Appalachian Trail, where I averaged a shower or two per week, but those didn't make me feel as filthy as the knowledge of the sexual assault I survived. I compare it to feeling like a tissue that's been sneezed in that no one dares to touch. People aren't lying when they say that their experience of SA made them feel like trash.
Rest assured, I have successfully traversed each of these valleys and will always do so. I am here as both the student of my own life and as the teacher; as the answers come to me regarding my own fears and concerns, I share them with others. Granted, I often feel that I am failing the very course I claim to teach, but I strive to walk the walk, I strive to reach a place of absolute acceptance and forgiveness and to help others figure it out as I make my way.
* My claim here is not that I will never feel sorrow again, but that I feel certain that I am completely over the pain of the past & am ready to move forward.
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