Letting Go of the Baggage

Beliefs I want to let go of for my upcoming 30th birthday:

1- that the world is too dangerous a place for me to be authentic.
2- that I am not good enough as I am.
3- that success is impossible for me.
4- that suffering is my birthright and that will never change.
5- that happiness isn't in the cards for me.
6- that I cannot be loved as I am.
7- that I am not deserving of good fortune.
8- that the light and love that I have shared hasn't been enough.
9- that I will never heal enough.
10- that I will never amount to anything.

Why I'm Struggling to Write

    You may have noticed that I am struggling to write these days...at least in the creative way I usually do. The reason for that has to do with the things I expressed on the 25th of April. All the suppressed rage has been coming to the surface for healing and I believe that when I have sufficiently released it I will be able to write creatively again. Lately, I haven't been able to reach a true meditative state and when I attempt to, I just feel really quite melancholy. To get some mindful healing work done today, I went to Great Falls and hiked barefoot through the woods to reach it with the mantra "I release the anger and the barriers to its expression." When I walked over parts of the river on my way to the overlook, I imagined the water surging through my energy, cleansing it of all the release work. Despite all this and the fact the I ran much of the 1.8+ miles to my car, there is still a tremendous amount of anger left in the well and the resistance is still present. But I am working as steadily as possible on this and hope to reach a breakthrough soon....even if it entails a crazy breakdown first.

Busy, Busy, Busy

    I didn't write yesterday because I had spent the vast majority of it walking dogs in the chilly rain. And just like the last busy Friday I had, my schedule was crammed with gigs before and after my 3 to 4 pm appointment. On top of that, I had had an early morning walk and a late evening walk where I got home close to 9 and still had to finish up my laundry. Yes, I managed to fit laundry into my day somehow as well. I would have written earlier today but instead I took every moment of free time to do absolutely nothing. Both of my major breaks consisted of getting back into PJ's and crawling into bed. This time, no naps happened, but the rest felt nice compared to walking in the chilly, dreary weather. Being this busy makes me relish doing nothing. I didn't realize I'd miss doing nothing before getting this job, but money is money and I'm not complaining...this time. I'd rather be busy than looking for something to do all day every day, which is what I had been doing throughout most of COVID. Anyway, tomorrow there is an early morning walk, but no more late ones.

Five Leaf Clover on 5/5

    I found a 5 leaf clover this morning! Despite how busy today was, it was a good day. I moved into an intermediate place for the month of May and I will be continuing to move my items out of the previous apartment. (It's too much to do in one day when I had a full dog-walking schedule.) I had another excellent class this evening and hope the healing will carry into my sleep again. Tomorrow is another appointment with my therapist...once again, I will be running all around town for my job before and afterwards. But if my sleep continues to go well, it should be pretty alright, all things considered.
 

A Nice Long Weekend

    The last 4 or 5 days have been wonderful. I got four days off (Friday to Monday) and last night I slept really well. I woke simultaneously refreshed and feeling as though I wasn't quite done sleeping, laid in bed for a bit, made myself breakfast around 7 and then climbed back into bed and slept for another hour and a half or so. I had dog walks to do today but didn't have to leave until a bit after 10. After my last walk I took some time to enjoy a barefoot stroll through the woods, with some occasional running, of course. I had planned to write yesterday, but the day just got away as it does sometimes.
    Last night marked the start of some new evening classes and it proved to be a wonderful experience and helped prepare me for the night.
    On a totally different note, another one of my coworkers has caught COVID so I have another week with a full schedule. I guess it was a really good thing that I had a four day weekend to rest up even if I don't typically manage to get a lot of z's at any time of day.

Day-Dreaming: My Real Hope is for Happiness

    I did a completely out of character thing this morning that was spurred by a random day-dream I had on the night of the 27th of April. It came through my mind unannounced as a way to try to counter my habitual downward spiral of thoughts. I had been practicing the exercise I came up with on April 24th where I try to imagine what it would be like to be free from the weight of my trauma; free from all the fears, insecurities, and self-doubt. I sent an email to the Fab Five...knowing full well that it's just as unlikely as winning the lottery. I had called it my silly little gift to myself. "Silly" because of its improbability. But in all seriousness, that letter was sent as a way to show myself grace and as a way to show myself love. My real hope is for happiness no matter what the outcome. As I've been told, when you pray, you should say, "this or something better".  So does happiness HAVE to look like a visit from the Fab Five? No. But I do pray for happiness. I do pray for a way to actualize my goals with or without their help. I do pray for a sense of belonging and for the self-confidence and self-love needed to move forward in my life that I haven't yet been able to do. 
    I'm doing my best not to get my hopes up, to just be proud of myself for believing in my own deservingness for good long enough to write up the email, but I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't wish for this more than anything. Thanks to COVID and the number of trials aside from the pandemic, my last two birthdays have been 'meh' at best. I broke my ankle and got scammed out of money the week I turned 28 and my 29th occurred shortly after my grandfather died and I've been practically homeless (couch-surfing) ever since. Praying for the Fab Five or something better because I have no idea what to do to celebrate entering my 3rd decade.