Day-Dreaming: My Real Hope is for Happiness

    I did a completely out of character thing this morning that was spurred by a random day-dream I had on the night of the 27th of April. It came through my mind unannounced as a way to try to counter my habitual downward spiral of thoughts. I had been practicing the exercise I came up with on April 24th where I try to imagine what it would be like to be free from the weight of my trauma; free from all the fears, insecurities, and self-doubt. I sent an email to the Fab Five...knowing full well that it's just as unlikely as winning the lottery. I had called it my silly little gift to myself. "Silly" because of its improbability. But in all seriousness, that letter was sent as a way to show myself grace and as a way to show myself love. My real hope is for happiness no matter what the outcome. As I've been told, when you pray, you should say, "this or something better".  So does happiness HAVE to look like a visit from the Fab Five? No. But I do pray for happiness. I do pray for a way to actualize my goals with or without their help. I do pray for a sense of belonging and for the self-confidence and self-love needed to move forward in my life that I haven't yet been able to do. 
    I'm doing my best not to get my hopes up, to just be proud of myself for believing in my own deservingness for good long enough to write up the email, but I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't wish for this more than anything. Thanks to COVID and the number of trials aside from the pandemic, my last two birthdays have been 'meh' at best. I broke my ankle and got scammed out of money the week I turned 28 and my 29th occurred shortly after my grandfather died and I've been practically homeless (couch-surfing) ever since. Praying for the Fab Five or something better because I have no idea what to do to celebrate entering my 3rd decade.