Battles and Marathons

    I'm still feeling very embattled today. Battling against the constant struggles of my mental health, battling against the fear, anxiety, and desperation that come with the living situation I am in right now. As I have admitted before, the more chaos I perceive in my personal life, the more I want to shut down. It's a form of a trauma response...my "learned helplessness", the idea that I can't do anything right so I shouldn't do anything at all. Or the idea that I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. And I am beginning to think the other reason I don't have the energy or the will-power to create forward momentum in my life is because I am still dealing with a big portion of my psyche or ego that truly wishes I had never survived. For whatever reason, the wish isn't for it to have never happened, but that I had never survived it and it's hard to make any form of progress with that wish dwelling in my consciousness. It feels as though the trauma I went through stole my life from me...stole my desire to live. But I'm still here because the other part of me continues to cling to the idea that my story and my healing journey will eventually help others. I'm literally still alive because I have the audacity to believe that I could positively impact the world. How crazy does that sound? Is egocentrism keeping me alive then? I really don't know.
    Don't get me wrong here, I am trying my best to climb out of this valley. Yes, my thoughts are all very "doom and gloom" lately, but I have made it to the other side every time, and this time shall be no different. There's a purpose to each of these valleys and when I finally figure out what the purpose is to this one, I will begin to feel a shift and see a change in my outer world. In the mean time, forgive me for being such a "Debbie Downer", such a "Negative Nancy". I'm doing the best that I can.

You may be very keen
to judge me for my melancholy,
and I don't blame you...I am, too.
In my effort to avoid self-pity,
I sometimes
side-step self-compassion.

I ask myself,
shouldn't I be over this by now?
I ask myself,
shouldn't I be moving forward and letting go by now?
I tell myself,
you don't have the right to mope, you got rescued.

But I do have a right
to my anxiety and fits of depression;
that's what C-PTSD gave me.
Healing doesn't happen overnight,
it happens in fits and starts.
Healing doesn't have a finish-line,
it's a never ending marathon;
and sometimes we get winded,
sometimes we trip and fall,
and at times we even crawl.
But I haven't given up,
and neither should you.

I am learning how to trust myself.
I am learning to trust this process,
however grueling it may very well be.
I am trying to believe
in my power to overcome
the overwhelming feelings of
powerlessness and hopelessness.
I'm not sure if I'll ever manage
to get through the weariness
caused by my never ending battles,
but I have people to lean on,
while I limp through
this part of my marathon...

And in fact, I think we are all wounded warriors walking each other home.