Going Slow

    I had one of those experiences this morning that would sound unremarkable to everyone else, but was evidence of a huge shift within me. Every time I go on a walk, I typically have only one break-neck pace. I power-walk everywhere all the time and it takes a great deal of concentration for me to slow down and I even have to reassert the intention to go slow whenever someone comes along. On a subconscious level, my body and mind feel that it is unsafe to just have a relaxing stroll. Yesterday, I consciously made an effort to walk more slowly but all my muscles remained tight, remained tense, like they were ready to spring into action. This morning however, I was able to enjoy ambling along the trail. I was finally able to not only slow my pace, but also be relaxed with it.
    The thing about this experience that I want to explain a little bit more is that even though I am clearly on high alert, I am not actually thinking, "Don't relax or you'll be attacked". It's an anxiety held in my body and subconscious mind since my initial trauma, meaning that no conscious thoughts are causing me to be on high alert, just the rewiring of my brain to respond to my attempts to relax as something that would threaten my safety. So having had the experience of a real leisurely stroll this morning, and having it be an effortless easing of my pace is quite something.