To Know You're Loved; Moving Past Trauma

In this post, I am using poetry to express the type of trauma I was exposed to before I was adopted and my reaction to learning about this trauma years later. I will also discuss what I did to get through the bout of depression that inevitably followed.
I knew I had held onto something like this because of how I reacted to the word "rape". Of course, at the time I just thought I was scared of the possibility of it happening to me, not that my subconscious was reacting to the fact that I had already experienced it. I hope this post brings someone the strength to carry on and remember, it's never your fault.

Time Capsule

My distant past is like a time capsule
I started burying the day of the adoption.
Under the rich soil of positive memories
I've hid my past life.

My biological mother was the only one with the shovel,
The only one capable of unearthing my long buried time capsule.
She revealed to me not memories per se, but photos
For I cannot recollect any of it.

She said,

This is a picture of

Me barricading the door from your inebriated father.

This is your alcoholic father hurling knives at my feet.

He only wanted to play some darts.

Here he is tossing his plate of food across the room

Like a Frisbee.

And here he is giving you beer.

This is you the night you were touched.

You woke up four times that night

Kicking,

Kicking and screaming.

The following is a poem I wrote a few months after the former one when I was feeling especially melancholy.

A Shattered Whole

A cacophony of sound

Crashes about my ears

As my life shatters before my eyes.

Each shard penetrates deep into my flesh,

Yet I do not bleed or cry out.

I try to piece my life back together

One

Minute

Fragment

At

A

Time.

But it seems impossible.

All the pieces are saturated

With unshed tears.

And each one cuts into my fingers.

This time, I bleed.

I let myself bleed;

I allow myself to feel the

Unbearable pain, the

Immense weight of

Emotional turmoil.

As I sit in the midst of this

Tribulation,

I watch the crimson

Blood

Trickle

Down

Menacingly down

My now mangled fingertips.

A sudden awareness

Enters my mind

Unannounced.

It allows me to see,

To understand

How the pieces are

Supposed to fit.

My life is cracked,

And yet,

Impossibly strong.

My resolve and

My will to live,

Have become stronger

Than ever.

    The mantra I used to get through the darkest hours was "people love you and that's all that matters". You need to know that people love you and that you are deserving of their love. Remembering this and the fact that I have had some amazing and absolutely euphoric moments in my life are the two big things that prevented me from feeling suicidal. I thought about death plenty; that it would be great if the bus behind me somehow ended up half on the sidewalk and bulldozed me; that a drive by bullet might be the way to go, but I didn't want to die by suicide.
    Some time after the conversation with my biological mother, I was told by a former foster mother of mine even more surrounding the trauma. She too deduced that something was terribly wrong the first day I arrived at her house. For whatever reason, she decided to tell me that one of the first things she noticed was that I was limping and when she asked what was wrong, I had said "Daddy said no talk." Both conversations have remained like splinters in my consciousness keeping me up many nights... I keep wondering if it would be ok to tell people about it (outside of this blog of course).

    It's safe to say that I did go through a bit of an identity crisis after all this, because I felt that as a woman, I would always feel like a victim and yet as a man I would feel as though I were the perpetrator. (Oddly, I only saw this as the case for myself, not for any other man or woman.) It took me three and a half years to get over all of this.

Since then, I have gone to Montana to do trail maintenance, I've graduated from Montgomery College, from Shepherd University, I have found a boyfriend who I know I can trust,

Embracing the Good Side

As promised, here's a list of the positive attributes. If you're reading this, try making a list like this about yourself. Being able to see yourself in a positive light is important.

1.) I have a strong desire to help others.

2.)  I constantly strive to become the best version of myself.

3.) I'm dedicated.

4.) I'm resilient.

5.) I am an enthusiastic worker.

6.) I'm punctual most of the time.

7.) I'm grounded yet a dreamer.

8.) I can almost always find a reason to be happy.

9.) I'm a natural at child care.

10.) I'm empathic and can read people.

11.) I am willing to push myself beyond my limits, beyond my comfort zone.

12.) I have a strong sense of self and am okay with being different.

13.) I have a desire for experiences more than things because I know experiences last longer; they become a part of who you are.

14.) I love to learn and I want to spend my whole life learning new things.

15.) I am respectful of others.

Owning My Shadow

As an aspiring writer, I want to write up a blog post or two about some of the negative circumstances that have occurred in my life and some of the negative choices I've made as well. I want to be able to wear my heart on my sleeve and until I can do that in person with everyone of my friends and family, I think writing it out here will be perfect. Some of my friends and my immediate family knows about the things I plan to express, but I've kept many people in the dark about the most notorious torments in my life. What I share will consist of things I don't like about myself (my shadow) and a dark secret that, for a long while managed to haunt me without my conscious awareness of it. I was told about it in January of 2010, my senior year of high school but I'm going to hold this part off for a while.

Some of you might realize that some of the things on this list were mentioned in a previous post, but since my intention has changed, I feel they can be written again.

1.) I want to feel needed.
2.) I seem to want constant validation.
3.) I can unknowingly act egocentric.
4.) I don't trust myself with transitions.
5.) Sometimes I can act pretentious.
6.) I worry too much.
7.) I'm terrified of failure.
8.) I have trouble following through a lot of times.
9.) There are times when I act vain.
10.) I have intentionally hurt 2 people and one of them was my sister.
11.) I am often a lazy perfectionist.
12.) I am easily distracted.
13.) I have a fear of getting in my own way.
14.) I can be overly critical of others.
15.) I get easily stressed out.

Tomorrow I'll write the good things and then the day after I'll post a few poems about things that practically took place in another lifetime. You'll know what I mean when you read the post.

Recuperating With Sleep and Chili

I got 13 hours of sleep last night but my cold still isn't gone. Maybe another good sleep will do the trick. Anyway, today I walked for a good hour over ice and took pictures along the way. I stayed warm and upright the whole time. After walking half the distance to Down Town Silver Spring, I caught a bus and then visited my mom to get a blanket of mine among other things. Feeling super lucky about my timing, I got to bring homemade chili back to my new place.

So it was another day of recuperation which means there's still not much to talk about.

A Free-Write on Validation, Fear, and Self-Trust

I realize it's been nearly a week since my last blog, but nothing noteworthy has happened or been done in those days and I felt there was nothing to write about. (By the way, I know someone is cringing and thinking I should have written that "there was nothing about which to write", but since I fail to remember that rule while talking I figured it was more honest to write the way I speak.)

I am just now noticing that my obsessive need for validation extends to this blog. I have already recognized how frequently I feel the need to explain my choices or my circumstances to my boss, my professor or my friends and now I see it happening here. Lately, I've been trying to meditate on my fears and trying to find a way to make sure they don't keep affecting my behavior. My fears are extreme and my will to suppress them is extreme which makes for a perfect recipe for a nervous breakdown if I don't deal with it in some way. They've lessened for now and hopefully I will feel that I can trust myself through all the events to come.

Facing Fears

So yesterday, I spent the day reading a book entitled Intuitive Wellness with the idea of working through my cold a bit faster and to work on the major fears I still have. I'm not afraid of spiders, snakes or heights but I am afraid of the more common issues that arise in life such as failure, hearing 'no' after asking for something I want or need, and like just about everyone, I'm afraid of rejection. I have the hardest time trusting myself with just about anything. It used to be simple stuff like moving onto the next grade. For some reason, I was under the impression that each year would be astronomically harder than the last. Now, I've moved out and gotten my third job and I'm petrified of losing both.

This is a big reason for wanting to hike the trail. It will help me begin trusting myself thereby empowering me. Despite all the amazing things I've accomplished in my 22 years, I'm just as terrified as 10 year old would be about handling a job and affording rent. I can't make it too far in life if I'm stuck in a petrified state and this hike will provide the transformative experience I need in order to fully believe in myself and reach my full potential.

Be Grateful for the Bad Days

The last couple days were set aside for work and recuperation. This cold hasn't left yet and I've been working on maintaining a positive attitude even when everything is going wrong. Yesterday was a prime example of this challenge. Despite how many things weren't going my way, I did my best to not see it as bad luck or as an overall shitty day. Here are the punches I rolled with that day:

My day started at 6:00 yesterday. That morning I had put on six layers of shirts and three layers of pants as well as 2 pairs of socks and winter boots yet I was still feeling the cold as it was only about 10 degrees outside and the wait lasted a good 35 minutes. I had double checked the bus schedule that morning but failed to realize that it was Presidents' Day and therefore the buses were on a much more limited schedule than usual. So, due to this wait, I was ten minutes late to work for the second time in two weeks.

During the first hour of my shift, a parakeet got loose (which luckily wasn't my fault) and I helped keep track of where it flew as a group of us worked to catch the bird. That was the best part of my day; it was amusing and the chase ended successfully.

Yesterday was my first 6 hour shift so I got to have a half hour lunch break! Yay! Sadly, I had to wait 4 and a half hours into my shift before I could get the sustenance I need ever two hours. I had my lunch a full six hours after my last meal. Honestly, I was waiting for the moment when I'd collapse from hypoglycemia and dehydration. The shift fully consisted of cleaning out cages for hamsters, gerbils, rats, chinchillas and guinea pigs with the exception of the fire alarm that went off during the last hour of my shift. We all spent about 20 minutes in the cold as we waited for a fireman to give us the all clear.

The first bus I caught to head back from work arrived right as I got to the station, so I was feeling good about the trip home. However, the second bus route proved to be a problem, again due to the fact that it was Presidents' Day, something I was about to find out after another 40 minute wait. I saw two of every bus go by and none of them were going the direction I needed. I decided to end my wait in the cold by catching the 2nd 9 bus towards Wheaton despite needing the 8 bus to Wheaton. I got off early and walked to another bus stop to wait for bus 8 which came within the next 10 minutes. This bus finally got me home a good two hours after my shift ended and I made myself some tea and had cookies.

Once the barrage of hard knocks ended, I decided not to take any of the events personally. I see this all as a test of will given the fact that I want to through-hike the Appalachian Trail. Maintaining a positive attitude after all of these types of events is a crucial skill I'll need when I experience days in which everything goes wrong while on the hike.

Busy, Busy, Busy

The past couple days have been extremely exhausting. Part of the problem was that I had two or three nights of terrible sleep and was also trying to get over a cold while starting a new job and while working towards moving out which is practically impossible.

So, yesterday I spent about 4 hours cleaning cages housing gerbils and hamsters and had to lift them in and out of the display case. Half-way through I started getting light headed and parched. When I finished my shift my mom & I got fabric for curtains in my new place and then we came home and I did a bunch of chores and by the time I thought about updating this blog I was ready to go to bed.

Anyway, today I decided to join reddit so I could broaden my search and possibly use it as a way to promote my through-hiking fundraiser. It's been three days and not a single donation. I probably have to word my summary better or something. I'll figure it out soon enough.

Crowd-Funding Has Begun

So I launched my fundraiser via Indiegogo Life and used the following summary to hopefully gain people's interest enough to help me out.
"My name is Charlotte Taney and my goal for this trip (which will start next March) is to gain a feeling of self-empowerment and independence so that I can better help my future students to feel empowered as well. I need to fully embody the messages I want to convey to my students so that they will have the belief in themselves and the perseverance to make their own dreams happen. They need to know that no matter where they are in this moment, they can get to a much better place if they put forth the effort."
If you're interested in helping me out, donate by using this link:
https://life.indiegogo.com/fundraisers/through-hiking-the-appalachian-trail/x/9874516
Thanks!

What's Happening This Week

So I had my first day of work today. Which really means I did a 5 hour online training session. And the rest of the training will continue tomorrow. After that, on Wednesday, I'm going to finish setting up the basement I'll be moving into so that I can move in this weekend. My dad and I just have to add some shelves, buy a new mattress and set up my bed. And hopefully we'll also be able to give the carpet a thorough clean a couple days before I move in.

Good Things Are Happening

So, this coming week I'm going to be starting work on Monday; well, the training for it anyway. And then I will be finishing the job of clearing the space I will be moving into on the 15th. Luckily, this coming week, the earliest I will have to be in by is 8:00 am. Given the fact that I still don't drive, I will have to be getting up a whole 2 hours before I am to arrive at work to take public transportation. With any luck, I will have more days that start at 8:00 than at 7:00.
The only down side is that this week's schedule runs into the plans I had for Valentines Day so I'll be celebrating it with my boyfriend a week later. On the whole, everything is looking up. I'm gradually becoming a fully independent adult. My hope is that this independence is maintained; that I won't become what some call a "boomerang child" and have to move back into my mother's house.

Appalachian Trail Conservancy

Today I visited the ATC website to review some preparation tips and yesterday, I got a my first Appalachian Trail contact from a friend of mine whose mother works for the ATC. I haven't made the call yet, but I will once I've constructed a list of what I deem to be the most pertinent questions regarding a through-hike attempt. Last May, my dad and I visited Harper's Ferry and our timing could not have been more perfect because May is when you are most likely to run into through-hikers reaching the half-way mark. So obviously I struck up some conversations and asked a few people questions regarding how much money I'd need and how to avoid food and water shortages. I wanted to see if each hiker had the same budgeting suggestion and from what I heard I will need $3,000-$5,000 in order to complete this trip.

Things That Need Doing

Over the last couple days I've been pondering not only what to write in this new blog but also on how I'll reach the goal of through-hiking the Appalachian Trail next year. By the time this hike starts, I will need to have my driver's license and my teaching certificate so that when I'm done, I'll be able to start the next part of my life with relative ease. One other thing that I'll be doing while on the hike is raising money for charity by getting donations either per mile or per state.

So this year, aside from what I've already accomplished: completing a bachelor's degree, moving out of my mom's house and getting a job in pet care, I'll need to find the time and money to take driver's ed, take a few more online courses and raise money & prepare for what will be a 4-6 month trip if I hike between 12 and 15 miles a day.

A Beach, A Treasure Hunt and Some Craziness

A Day at the Beach

The cool sand beneath my feet
seeps between my toes
as I walk along the beach.
Pulsing waves spring to life
as I walk along the shoreline.
The cold ocean water reaches out
to touch my feet
and gather round my ankles.


Treasure Hunt

Take a look inside.
The room is empty.
Nothing exists but the breath.
No one exists but the self.
To be or not to be.
I think therefore I am.

But I shall not think.
I should just be.
For thoughts and things
cannot possibly
describe me.
Only the heart,
what’s in the heart
is what is me

Not the ego,
nor the items I own.
Not the clothes on my back
nor the friends by my side.
I need to look deeper,
dig deeper to find
joy, happiness,
myself.

Eternally Temporary

Rays of sunlight
gradually unlock the darkened vault—
unleashing hope
and restoring faith unto the world.
Darkness retreats
to the far corners of the vault.
Light continues to grow
and chase away the darkness.

Noon comes and goes.
As it leaves,
Darkness gains ground.
Eventually, the vault closes
and Darkness dominates once again.

Both the celestial vault
and the Earthen vault
encompass light
and dark impartially.


Crazy?

I walk, walk onto the sidewalk,
and talk, talk to myself.
I talk to myself about this and that.
I talk to the dog and my cat.

I can’t tell you why I do these things,
these crazy, crazy things.
But I can tell you this:
You do them too.