I've been spending a lot of time over the last couple days thinking about what new insights I could write about and the things that have been going round and round the most are how my beliefs affect my choices. The more they came up, the more connections I ended up drawing. Since it's mostly been an extended brain storm, I'm going to do the best I can to put this down in a way that makes sense. You may not have the same beliefs and think instead that I am crazy for holding these beliefs but it doesn't matter because all I am attempting to do is reveal another possible facet of reality.
So, to start with, when I was 14, I was introduced to the religion of Buddhism in two ways; in my cultural geography class and from watching "Little Buddha". In the movie there is a scene in which a Buddhist monk explains the concept of reincarnation to a westerner in a beautiful way. He pours out a cup of tea then deliberately drops the tea cup on the ground and says, "The body breaks, but it's still tea." Then he grabs some paper towels to mop it up and says, "Still tea." This scene really resonated with me since I never fully believed in Heaven or Hell. It's not just that I prefer reincarnation over the idea of Heaven and Hell, but I believe that since energy cannot be created or destroyed, our essence must go somewhere and if we're all souls having a human experience, why would there be a need for the separation once we depart. To me, a soul should not be condemned for the lack of communication taking place between it and the human brain. Since the brain creates the ego, it's hard for the soul to get a word in edgewise; we're more inclined to believe either all the bad stuff the ego made up to make us feel bad about ourselves 24/7 or that we're better than everyone else because of x, y, z. We also find it easier to believe that we aren't in control; we all know we can't control everything, but if we can control whether or not we respond to a situation instead of reacting to it, we'll be better equipped to navigate the rapids and avoid tipping over. We're the guides to our own boat but we often play the role of the people who frantically slap at the water with their paddles in fear and frustration.
Shortly after this discovery, I had an encouraging thought/realization/idea: If reincarnation is real, then I'm pretty sure I chose this life. I chose it knowing that it would be extremely difficult at first but that things would get better. This life is my project; I'm here to grow, to learn and to try to become the best version of myself which means I need to let my soul express itself to the best of my ability. Many times, I do quite well at it since my intuition and empathy have often been pretty reliable assets. Intuition and empathy are a soul's natural talents but we have to slow our minds down and relinquish the ego's control over our thought patterns in order to be able to hear what's getting picked up. Practicing these things doesn't make us enlightened but it's a place to start. If you want to do this without starting with meditation, try writing. It may sound crazy, but if you just do a 10 or 15 minute free-write each day, it will be a lot like doing a short meditation. This is because meditating is really just watching your thoughts without judgment and a free-write helps you do just that without as much effort as sitting quietly.
Because I believe in souls choosing lives, throughout the period of my identity crisis and intense bouts of depression, I knew I had to stay because I had to find out what new, better experiences I would make happen. I'm someone who feels the need to see this particular movie to the end. I want to keep collecting experiences, good and bad, so I can practice handling the not so pleasant ones and learn to fully savor the glorious ones. Plus, the more I recalled on this belief, the more empowered I felt and the less inclined I was to wallow in victim-hood. That said, I still got my hair cut rather short and decided to continue dressing in baggy clothes; but I guess those moves were empowering in their own way. With an androgynous appearance, I felt as though people might see me as more capable of taking care of myself. I thought if I looked a little more masculine, maybe weighing 115 wouldn't make me look helpless. Weird concept to consider, but that's what was going through my mind. I've kept the short hair but dropped the baggy clothes. Many people think I'm a lesbian, but many of the perceived "reasons" others see me that way are really the choices I made in order to make sure I come across as someone who can take care of herself. This is a big reason why I never make assumptions about another woman's orientation. That said, I've laughed a lot over the time one my bosses was surprised to hear about my boyfriend and said, "I didn't know you had one of those". Just because I find it funny doesn't mean everyone will.
We get to choose what to believe and I want to believe in something empowering; I want to see life as a mission with obstacles and rewards, challenges and perks. We are in control of our lives in a more intangible way than we thought. What's going to dominate our minds, our egos or our higher self? Do we give our egos the power of defining who we are? Whichever one has the reins will be mirrored in your reality. Do you want to respond, or do you want to tip the boat?
Another idea that came to me in one of my many dark hours was that most of us have a tendency to act like dung beetles clinging to bullsh*t convinced that it's our source of sustenance. To take this weird and uncomfortable metaphor further, the reality is that we're butterflies on flowers able to fly when we need to. (Insert the line from the crazy caterpillar in "A Bug's Life", "I'm a beautiful butterfly".) It took a long while for this belief to help me reconcile everything and let go of all the so-called "baggage" handed to me by my biological mother. But with the help of a good friend, I healed enough, and dropped my walls low enough to let someone in. Mind you, the first few people I started falling for were men I knew were gay or hoped might be bi. I will always want a sensitive, funny man over a stoic one.
The last thing I want to talk about is that I also believe that there are gay, bi and trans people on this earth for a very good reason. Those amazingly brave souls are here in order to help the human race become more tolerant or rather, accepting since to tolerate something means "to put up with" which isn't quite enough. (Tangent: that was my middle school experience. My classmates "put up with me" throughout 6th, 7th and 8th grade, but one day when I chose to sit with them, they all got up and went to another table and ended up coming back when I left the table.) We need to graciously accept the people in the LGBT community. They're on a cool mission to try to get their parents and their community to accept the differences they were born with. We're all part of the human race and having everyone trying to tell everyone else how to live their lives wastes a whole lot of time since there are many ways to live life and no one way is the best. As long as you are expressing yourself in a harmless way, then you're doing it right. I mean, as long as we're not physically or psychologically bullying others, we have a right to express ourselves however we want. We have to start accepting everyone because it takes other people's acceptance of us to allow us to feel as though we have permission to accept ourselves....at least, that's how I work...but I've been through a whole lot of emotional wringers so if you feel differently, please comment. I'd be glad to hear a differing perspective. Even if it's not how everyone feels, it's important to consider that this mindset could exist in others, so please be respectful to everyone you meet.
