I Take a Stand and Let Go

Not exactly sure where today's post is going to go but it's about time to write again. Time has been slipping away like a rug from under me. I've been busy either working, babysitting, or recuperating. I started getting a sore throat last night from burning myself out. Luckily that's still the only symptom.

Yesterday, I finally talked to one of the managers about putting me back into the dining room because I am done trying to rush through prep work and finding that I can't seem to finish in the 8 hours allotted. I am physically unable to stay for another 12 hour shift and I am unwilling to feel pressured to stay way past my scheduled time to finish a job that takes me twice as long as it should. I stayed til 3 yesterday and they let me go even though I hadn't finished since one of the managers promised to work with me to make sure I could leave on time. Three o'clock wasn't on time but it was as good as I could hope for given some unexpected distractions pulling the managers away. Anyway, it feels good to know that I won't have to deal with prep work much longer and I think I broke away the chains of toxic beliefs by standing up for myself. For most of my life, I have felt that it isn't worth trying to stand up for myself because of a few core beliefs adopted while in elementary school:

1. “Life isn’t fair”
2. “You’re not worthy enough to ask for x, y or z”
3. I need to pretend I don’t want anything more so I won’t be disappointed

Even when I made had made a reasonable request in college to re-do something to get half of my lost points back, since I was declined, it destroyed any opportunity I would have had to move on at that point. Instead, my ego was able to use that incident as proof that it would never be worth standing up for myself. This moment has been a long time coming. Over the last few weeks I've gotten better and better at standing in my own power and feeling as though I can ask for small things like rides to places or for small favors at work. But now, I've gone a step further and asked for something I need even though I had been the one to offer to do prep. That there was another would be road block; the false belief that since I had asked for it, I have to stick with it.

On an entirely different note, today I'm attempting a 24 hour juice fast. As someone who feels like not eating for more than three or four hours is a fast, it will be interesting to see how this goes. I woke up around 8 and had tea and a coconut flavored Bai drink. So far, I'm doing alright. I think work has taught me how to handle hunger and subdue it to a dull ache instead of a raging, anxiety filled feeling of starvation. Not sure how the transition occurred but it has and I'm grateful. Part of my technique today will be to drink so much that the liquid will prevent the experience from becoming overwhelming. If I find that I need something more later on, I will likely go to Smoothie King with my babysitting money and get a protein filled shake thereby fulfilling my caloric needs while still keeping away from solids. But who knows, I might make it without that.

Last night, since I wanted to wait til I read That Nature is a Heraclitean Fire and of the Comfort of the Resurrection by Gerard Manley Hopkins to write my next post, I finally googled the poem. It's a fascinating poem and it would have been great to have a Socratic seminar discussing it in college. I find that this poem is a lot like William Faulkner's work in that I would appreciate it a lot more after an in depth discussion on how others interpret the poem; I read some ideas online but it's not the same.