I'm writing tonight to work through a feeling that came up this evening while at a healing circle provided by the Chapel I've been going to. Actually, I discovered it shortly afterward and I'm using the word discovered because it has been stalking me my whole life and I'm just now confronting it head on. For all these years, it's been in my peripheral; I never labelled it out right or admitted that it's been in my shadow this whole time. The feeling I'm addressing or confronting is that of uselessness, of being expendable. For whatever reason, I feel that no matter how hard I work, it won't be enough. I could pour my heart into something and it would just wash away like sand. All my life I've been working extraordinarily hard to fit in so I would no longer feel like a victim, to get good grades so people would know that I'm smart, to learn an instrument, to become a runner and a hiker to show people I'm faster and stronger than they might think. Although hiking had everything to do with proving myself to me and no one else for once. I had to show myself that I was strong, I had to prove to myself that I am capable, self-reliant and that I have power that no one can take away from me. There was no better feeling than the feeling I got on top of Franconia Ridge. In those precious moments I felt an exhilaration unlike anything I'd ever felt before. It was an unbeatable feeling not just because of the view but also because there was a familiarity to it as though the image was placed in one of my dreams a long time ago when I was a young child. This made it feel as though I was meant to do this my whole life; that my life was always leading up to this adventure along the Appalachian Trail.
I am finding that I'm not used to taking full advantage of these new memories I made last year. The courage I need to face my fears and doubts is there and the proof that I have everything it takes to make things work out meaning that my reasons for these fears and doubts are baseless. Last year, when I started my hike, I had next to no sleep for the first few weeks. Even in Hot Springs I was unable to sleep both nights we stayed and yet, I hiked on. I had numerous blisters during the first week and an unbearable heat rash for the third and fourth month but I persisted. I have what it takes and it did make all the difference. If I didn't pour everything into that hike, I wouldn't have made it. It took every ounce of physical and psychological strength I had and look what wonderful things came out of it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, life is like a sunrise, there needs to be a juxtaposition of light and shadow in order to for it to be extraordinary.
Here's one last thing to leave you with: those negative situations we spend all our time staring at wishing they were different or hadn't happened, they're foggy, gross looking gem stones now, but when the time comes and you're able to shift your perspective just so, to change the angle you're looking at it in just the right way, you'll be surprised to find that rainbows are thrown all over the place. It's not a diamond in the rough, it's a crystal you've been staring at the wrong way for years. What we see as circumstances that made us victims were really our "beautiful dangerous missions"*, our chances to become heroes. These experiences can become our source of strength if we so choose.
*I put that in quotes because I got that from someone at the healing circle this evening.
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