Not Expecting a Better Outcome Than Farewell

    I love you too much to let you stay. I wanted you to choose yourself over my

dysfunctional roller-coaster. I made sure to share both where I am beginning to

grow and the uncomfortable, convoluted complexities of this disorderly brain.

Please know that I didn't (and still don't) want you to hold space for my

dysfunctional drama anymore. Please know that I love you so much that I am, and

have been, willing to let you go. My last few links were chosen with purpose. I wish I

could have found the words to express my struggles sooner...to discover the other

root cause sooner. If I had, I would have told you all of this immediately and then

stayed miles away.

I love you so much that I truly wanted you to walk away. Learning that self-hatred

could hurt someone other than me has helped me in unexpected ways.

But I wish I hadn't needed to learn that the hard way. I'm so glad you chose to get

off the roller-coaster regardless of the heartbreak. 


I tried so hard to express the true nature of my mental health, but nothing I said
helped it to click inside someone else's head...not until now.

Further Processing

    Someone I love couldn't see my truth soon enough. Someone I love assured me will-power would be enough. Someone I love remained blind to my inner world...remained deaf to my fears. Primarily the fear I had of my own mind...primarily the fear I had of my own emotions. This ignorance hurt us both.
    The reassurances were numerous enough for me to eventually chose to believe in my powerful will-power.* By becoming entranced by this falsehood, all the things I had already found in my subconscious returned there. By believing I was healed enough for will-power to be enough, I lost my true orientation. My brain was not yet capable of applying any long-term discipline. My tumultuous, all-consuming emotions were still inescapable.
    The fuse had been lit every time the truth of my inner world was minimized. The fuse had been lit by all those times I didn't feel seen. I tried to do the right thing. I tried to speak my truth the right way. But...without even knowing it, we weren't speaking the same language.
    Those erasures echoed the time I was silenced, the time when my trauma was ignored or minimized or...or whatever. The grenade was lit several times before it could not contain the explosion. And for that I am deeply sorry.

*I knew I was lying to myself, but I pushed that truth down too.

How the Bridge Burned

I have come to accept that my inner child did not know how to tell someone that she was hurting and that the pain was caused by this person's inability to accurately perceive the picture I was painting. I eventually lied to myself by agreeing all I needed was willpower. But I was simply applying willpower to the continued suppression of shame and guilt. Now that I've labeled that picture I painted, I can (and have been) appropriately using my willpower to keep in mind that my own self-hatred harmed someone else. This lesson has ironically helped me to begin acquiring the skills of self-forgiveness, self-compassion, and self-love...just by the simple fact that self-love is necessary in order to be emotionally safe for others.

Apparently, I had to get a brutal wake-up call...apparently I had to unintentionally hurt someone else. 

I'm sorry my emotional overwhelm became destructive. I'm sorry I couldn't make my truth understood so much sooner. I'm sorry for losing control. I'm sorry that I allowed my inner child to burn bridges. I was tired of feeling pain. I was tired of it coming from a loved one who was blind to my inner world no matter how hard I tried to make myself understood. I tried...I tried a lot...I tried hard to be understood. And when I kept failing...I lied to myself. I lied to myself and a part of me thought that doing so would "keep the peace". 

I can forgive myself. I can give myself grace. I can give myself compassion. So at long last, I no longer need to seek these from you or anyone. I have only love for you.

Now that you've seen me self-destruct, can you see why I am/have been afraid of my emotions? 

I told you a few times that when my emotions are intense enough, any and all good decisions are erased from my mind. I know you thought you understood me, but apparently I was trying to explain the taste of lemons to someone who has only ever had lemonade. I'm sorry I found clearer language far too late.