Ready For Wings

Dear Mother, Father, God,
I am ready for my wings.
Dear Mother, Father, God,
I am ready to embrace my inner magic.
Dear Mother, Father, God,
I am ready to be so filled with faith
that I need not leap,
that I shall simply soar.

I take this moment to proclaim
that I am COURAGEOUS,
that I am STRONG,
and that I am POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE!

I take this moment to exclaim
that I am LOVED,
CHERISHED,
and ADORED
by You, Mother, Father, God!
I accept Your gifts
of PEACE and LOVE and JOY!
I accept Your gifts
of COMPASSION, GRACE, and WISDOM!
Not only on behalf of myself,
but on behalf of ALL humanity,
ALL life forms,
and on behalf of Mother Earth herself.

Dear Mother, Father, God,
I am ready for my wings.
Dear Mother, Father, God,
I am ready to embrace my inner magic.
Dear Mother, Father, God,
I am ready to be so filled with faith
that I need not leap,
that I shall simply soar.

I take this moment to proclaim
that my reluctance, hesitancy, and denial
are hereby released from my consciousness!
Starting today, Dear God,
I embrace the truth of my own divinity.
Starting today, Dear God,
I embrace the will of the Holy Spirit,
I align fully with my God Self.
Starting today, Dear God,
I allow You to set me free.
I allow you to dissolve
every source of fear, every anxiety.

For starting today, Dear God,
I am ready for my wings,
I am ready to embrace my inner magic.
And starting today, Dear God,
let me be so infilled with faith,
that I simply soar,
soar into Your loving embrace.

Whisperings From God

Today I choose to free myself.
I free myself from timeless sorrows.
I free myself from needless guilt and shame,
and from the mesmerizing tidal pools of self pity. 

I release the idea
that I can never be enough,
can never be loved.
I release the words that once
silenced my voice,
I release the grievances that once
bound my hands and feet.
I choose to see
that hidden within every grievance
and between each harsh word
is a whispered secret
God would have us know.
He has been whispering:
        You are strong.
        You are powerful.
        You are invincible,
        for I walk with you always.

He is reminding me that though
the words spoken aloud have caused me such pain,
God was still yet there speaking through them.
He assures me that I was only told what I needed to know.
I needed to know the depth of the wound
in order that it could be healed.
I needed to know so that when the time is ripe,
people will trust that I have indeed
walked the oft winding and lawless path of great healing.
They will trust that I, too, had to start from
the great depths of dark and foreboding caves
before laying first my faith and then my eyes,
upon the light at the end
of the sightless and confining, airless tunnel.

The hushed words continue:
        There is nothing that you cannot do
        while I walk with you.
        Every wound once healed
        becomes a source of ecstasy.
        Though your pain runs deep,
        be rest assured that
        your joy shall have greater depth
        and hence overwhelm all sorrow.

The Essence of Divine Timing

Author's note: Some of you will notice that my syntax has changed for this piece. That is simply because I have been reading The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran and what I read affects how I write. The poem following my preamble was written to illustrate where I am in my healing process in as non-judgmental a way as possible.

The Essence of Divine Timing: You cannot be late any more than you can be early. Do not wish to rush that which cannot be rushed. Do not let what appear to be false starts discourage you. For your path is divinely guided and your sense of urgency entirely unnecessary. In fact, things will appear to hasten when you decide to let go and go with the flow. The urgency you feel is a judgement of your perceived slowness and thus hinders you and your healing, your growth. Healing cannot begin in earnest while you yet judge yourself for being where you are. Growth cannot occur when you are preoccupied by your perceived slowness.

The Splinters That Remain

Though it seems safe to say
that the deepest of my wounds
has mostly been repaired,
there still remains the words
that entered my consciousness,
like needles, nay,
like arrows to the heart,
when they were thrown
carelessly upon my ear.

For whenever I replay them,
my heart breaks yet again
for my childhood self...
who seems, at times,
altogether other;
That is to say,
since I solely carry
the weighty words that they
had deigned to share,
and hold not the memory
firmly in my mind,
I tend to pretend
that this story isn't mine.

For how could I have suffered so?
How could they let that happen...
both the powers that be
and the adults around me?
And why would they choose
to burden me
with the knowledge of a trauma
long forgotten
yet forever felt?

Though the arrowheads and shafts
have hence been removed
and the worst of my pain has ceased,
wooden splinters yet remain,
and are felt with every beat.

Are they there to stay like scar tissue
or will these too dissipate
and thence cease to ache?  

Your Time Will Come

There are times when the ego
would have me believe
that I am hard to love.
But my soul would counter
that I am no harder to love
than anyone else.

There are times when my ego
would have me believe
that I have many more flaws
than everyone else.
But my soul would counter
that not only is this absurd
but that my various flaws
actually have their uses.

There are times when my ego
has convinced me
that I should be better than this by now,
that I should have learned more by now.
And my soul softly assures me
that I am doing my absolute best
and that is always enough.

It says to me:
"What you have to unlearn
is bound to take quite a bit of time
since these patternings
have been ingrained
over many lifetimes
and because
the numerous falsehoods
you are still releasing
were taught to you beginning
the day you were born."

My soul gently reminds me,
"When one is not protected
and cared for
by their very own parents,
it is hard to feel worthy of love."

My soul gently reminds me,
You need to accept the fact
that this wound takes time to heal,
to remedy; that there is no quick fix.

I hear the assurance from my soul,
that I chose a slow route
because many more people
will be able to identify with
a slow healing process
than a sudden experience
of complete enlightenment;
that many more people will find
my own personal roadmap
to healing the psyche instructive.

There is a purpose to the slowness,
so relax and enjoy the ride.
Your time will come.

Believe In Your Healing

    I would postulate that the very first step one needs to take toward healing themselves is believing that healing is possible. And for some, this is very hard to do. The greater the wound, the more insurmountable the task seems and yet, healing is always possible. Again, I will draw upon the paraphrase of a Henry Ford quote: Whether or not you think you can do something, you're right. Healing oneself will only ever be impossible if you believe it to be.
    Many of you know by now that my own wounds ran very deep and that my own experience of despair was overwhelming. But I had to believe that it could be better...because in my head at the time, I felt I needed to live for the sake of my family and friends, but I did not wish to suffer eternal emotional turmoil til the end of my years. So before I even fully believed in God, I'd pray to get through it, to somehow find the ever elusive light at the end of the tunnel. Thinking He was really an imaginary friend in the sky, or an absent pen-pal, I didn't know if I was heard  or if my words made any difference.
    My period of grief seemed to go on and on in an endless climb...and there was nothing I could do to alleviate it. Almost nothing. I wrote. I cried. I watched hours of comedy. I did reckless stunts on my bike without a helmet. But mostly, I did my best to pretend I was fine. I'd push it all down until one day, the dam would burst. Although it seemed to be on a hair-trigger, the truth was that by the time I sprung a leak, I had a million reasons I wanted to cry. Heck, this was the case even as a kid...as was the self-loathing that came with shedding tears in public.  I desperately wanted to be in control, especially when other people were around.
    Now circling back to my original point...as long as you choose to believe in your ability to heal from trauma, from a major loss, etc., you will be able to do so. Don't judge yourself on how long it takes. Everyone heals at their own pace, in their own time-frame. Some people will appear to get over things faster, but that may just be their façade. Just because you or I were unable to stay calm and collected all day every day, doesn't mean other people can't. Also remember that healing is not linear; it will often feel like one step forward, two steps back. There may also be times when you hit a major healing checkpoint or hurdle and believe you're done until a few more years pass and you realize you weren't even close to being finished.

The Interplay Between the Ego and the Soul

    When you learn how to stay in touch with your soul, life will become effortless. For your soul has been here before; it has navigated all of these obstacles before. The ego, for most of us, does not remember our other lifetimes, yet believes itself capable of being the navigator. Instead, though, we find that it is prone to flipping our raft as we cruise between the boulders, through the white water. Patiently, each soul waits for the ego to place its trust in the omniscience of our eternal spirit. For many of us, we only manage to do so a for a little bit at a time before our ego steps back in thinking it now has the hang of things. And so this entertaining yet exhausting cycle continues until we learn how to permanently place our full trust in the eternal part of our being. 
    My soul, just like my body, knows how to heal itself without my mind giving direct instruction. My soul, just like my body, does not need to learn to do so nor practice how to do so; it just does. This is not to say that the ego does not have an important role in our lives. Once an alliance is formed between the ego and the soul, they will have symbiotic relationship. The ego is the doer, and the soul is the be-er. The former gets things done, while the latter rests in the flow of universal loving energy thus giving our body and mind an abundant supply of energy and wisdom. Our ego uses the wisdom from the soul to make decisions that will improve our lives and to take us from place to place in the physical realm while our soul radiates peace, love, and stillness for other souls to accept if they wish.

The Solace of Mother Nature

I like to say that Mother Nature
has been my first and best therapist.
She seemed to know
that which weighed upon my mind
without my having to speak.
She seemed to know
that which weighed upon my heart
without my having to weep.

Whenever I felt confined
by the iron bars within my mind
Mother Nature would to send to me,
on the back of a spirited breeze,
the comforting tunes of playful birds
and the invigorating, salubrious aromas
of the coming rain,
and pine, and wildflowers.

Whenever I felt downtrodden
by the trials of a life half-forgotten,
Mother Nature would send to me
the whishing sounds of gusts through leaves,
and chattering chipmunks and buzzing bees.

She has always known the way to solace
and would take me by the hand and lead me there.
Her bewitching, leaf-litter veiled pathways
always enticed me,
always drew me into her wilderness.
The gentle run of gurgling brooks
would always tug my heartstrings.

I wanted to be as free as the wind,
as lighthearted as the birds,
as carefree as the wildlife.
And so I'd watch them intrigued,
and try to learn from them.

I noticed that even the smallest of creatures
are not bothered by their smallness.
I noticed that the birds
delight in their flight,
for they know how
to ride through the turbulence.
For wildlife, work and play

seem to be one in the same.

A New World

There was a time when I existed
in a different world.
I used to exist in a world
that would rather be rid of me than befriend me.
I used to exist in a world
that would rather condemn me than embrace me.
I used to live in a world
that would rather bring me down than build me up.

But now,
now I am surrounded on all sides by angels.
Angels here on Earth who have made it clear
that they would rather
befriend me, embrace me, and build me up.
Now I am surrounded by very dear friends
who would rather love me than judge me,
who would rather lift me up than hold me down.

I cannot express the relief I feel
at having entered this lovely world.
I cannot express the peaceful contentment I feel
that this level of love and adoration
is no longer hidden from me.
I am now in a world
that cheers for and cherishes me,
that sometimes even celebrates me.
I am now in a world that
cares for and comforts me.

And I feel new to this world.
A world that would not let me feel abandoned.
A world that would not let me feel ashamed.
A world that makes me feel whole again.
Oh, what a wonderful place to be.

New Moon Manifestations

Today I use the sacred power of the New Moon to envision my future. Closing my eyes I picture all of my wildest dreams coming true. 
As I picture the letter offering substantial grant money for my project, 
I can feel the surmounting elation and the building of self-confidence. 
As I picture the outcome of the app, the number of families elated by the aid they now have at their fingertips, 
I feel the gratitude that I have for my own hardships. 
For I allowed them to inspire me instead of tear me down. 
As I envision the acceptance letter from a prestigious University along with its offer of a full scholarship, I experience the feeling of absolute blissful euphoria, the feeling of belongingness, and of gratitude for my perseverance. As I envision the five years of grad school, I imagine the feeling of being surrounded by supportive professors who lift me up daily. These people see and acknowledge my potential and further boost my self-confidence. As I envision graduating with my PhD in Education and Behavioral Science, I experience the feeling of accomplishment, I feel proud of myself without the usual accompanying sense shame. I am able to, in this moment carry both pride and humility. For I know that my leap of faith looked, from the outside looking in, like I had defied the odds and that in some ways I had. As I envision the launching of my desired career and as I visualize the purchase of my dream cabin on several acres of land, I feel the indescribable bliss that is only possible when you realize that all of your wildest dreams have come true; even that which you thought was impossible.

We Rise Unbroken

"There is a brokenness out of which comes the unbroken, a shatteredness out of which blooms the unshatterable. There is a sorrow beyond all grief which leads to joy; and a fragility out of whose depths emerges strength... There is a hollow space too vast for words through which we pass with each loss, out of whose darkness we are sanctioned into being. There is a cry deeper than all sound whose serrated edges cut the heart as we break open to the place inside which is unbreakable and whole, while learning to sing."
--Rashani Réa

This quote reiterates and rephrases what I was trying to say in yesterday's post. My eternal hope has been that after I put myself back together, or rather, after I recognize that I was never truly broken, no outside event will be able to make me believe otherwise ever again. Because I have taken the time to meditate, to connect with the wisdom of nature, to call on the arch angels for support, I will eventually remember my eternal wholeness, my eternal innocence, and my everlasting oneness with God and with the love and grace of God. And with that I will start my poetic attempt at interpreting the quote above.

We Rise Unbroken

We shall rise unbroken out of the fragments of heartbreak.
We shall rise unbroken out of the suffocating depths of despair.
We shall rise unbroken out of the unholy night.

We shall return restored from the blackhole of grief.
We shall return restored from the valley of the shadow of death.
We shall return restored from the wreckage of hopelessness.

Out of the fragments of heartbreak,
we will learn that we are unbreakable.
While in the darkest depths of despair,
we will learn we can still find our way home.

I know this because
it was while wandering through the dark,
that I found the light of God.
It was while wishing for a permanent end,
that I found a new beginning.
It was while blinded by grief
that I felt a spark of hope.

Once I unlearn the notion that I am broken,
and replace it with the truth that I am eternally whole...
Once I unlearn the notion that I do not belong,
and replace it with the truth that I am needed,
there will be nothing in this world that can
make me believe the lies again.
For I will have seen,
internalized,
and believed
the notorious falsehoods
and then brick by brick,
I'll have dismantled them.
Once we remember the truth,
we cannot ever be convinced by myths again.

Is Suffering Optional?

    What if the point of our suffering is to heal our consciousness in such a way that suffering becomes impossible? Impossible because by the time we heal ourselves completely we will have seen, internalized, and believed devastating lies and then found a way to fully and unequivocally reject them. My first parents taught my siblings and me that we did not deserve laughter, that we did not deserve tenderness, that we could not be loved. And then, starting in 1999 with our new forever family, we were given a chance to try to unlearn those lies. My resistance to this healing experience was that I held the firm belief that my early childhood was "not that bad" and was convinced that what I experienced did not count as trauma. Mostly because I did not remember much and what I did know and remember I excused away with the idea, "well many children were whipped with a belt and therefore what I went through was not traumatic."
    But what if there was some truth to that false belief. Only in that suffering can be optional. However, we have to accept that we are not now, nor have we never been powerless. My trauma directly relates to powerlessness and had caused me to believe that I was not worth protecting, that I was not worth providing for. I did not see myself as anything but a burden, as anything but in the way. There were mornings when my biological mother did not have the energy to get up to fetch me a Pop Tart from the cabinet above the counter and I was just a couple inches too short to climb up to get them. I would try to wake her every so often and then try, without success, to get to them by myself.
    The good news is that I am unlearning these falsehoods and the more I unravel them, the closer I get to the truth, which is that I am loved and lovable, that I am worthy of protection, provision, and tenderness. The more I consciously dismiss these myths, the closer I get to the truth that the innocence and the worthiness that I thought were taken from me could never be stolen by anyone but myself....my ego self. Only I can take these things from myself by believing I don't have them and/or never had them. There is a saying that goes, "whether or not you think you can do something, you're right". The same goes with how you view yourself. If you believe yourself to be powerless, you will make decisions that support that belief and see yourself as a perpetual victim.

A Letter of Forgiveness

The following pertains to my biological father. I was adopted in January of 1999 after my parents were deemed unfit to take care of my siblings and me. We went through 4 years of foster care which involved being occasionally sent back to our bio. parents since DSS wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Dear Father,
I forgive you for the pain you caused.
Because within that pain, I sought for and found the presence of God within me.
I forgive you for the future joys you stole from me in that moment,
for I was given, instead, the more potent and powerful joy
of learning that I could heal devastating wounds.
I forgive you for robbing me of my peace of mind, of my sense of self,
for in my endless wanderings, I discovered I was never lost,
in my meanderings I rediscovered who I could be.
I forgive you, Father, for your inability to love me,
your inability to allow my happiness,
for this deficiency led me to loving family and friends
whom I could never take for granted.
I forgive you, Father, for being the source of my suffering
instead of the source of my protection
because your misdeeds set me upon the path I am now on;
a path that allows me to provide greater comfort to others
who have suffered the deepest of wounds as I have.
I do not hate you for doing that for me.
I do not hate you for giving me the experience I needed
in order to fulfill the vision and the quest of my soul.
Neither do I claim to be the self-righteous victim or martyr.
Despite your actions, you are not beneath me,
you are not less than me any more than you are greater than me.
In this moment I release the idea that you ever had power over me,
that you were a mightier evil than my light could handle.
The action you took against me was a cry for help, a cry for healing.
It may have taken me years, but I offer that to you now.
I forgive you, Father, for all the tears I've shed.
I forgive you for making me feel small and insignificant,
for making me feel weak and expendable.
For I am now experiencing the profound bliss
of reclaiming my happiness, my power, and my confidence.  

This Chosen Life

Today I am listening for the reasons my soul may have chosen this life. And here is what I have so far:

This life was chosen by my soul so I could learn how to be my own hero...and so I could teach others how to be their own hero.

This life was chosen by my soul so I could discover my strength...and to help others discover their strength.

This life was chosen so I could unlearn obscurity & own my power. For being stripped of self-esteem and self-assuredness and reclaiming them in the same lifetime is a mighty task that only the strong-willed and powerful can accomplish.

This life was chosen so I could teach others how to reclaim their power after feeling diminished and erased by their overwhelming circumstances.

It was chosen so that I might gain ever deeper levels of compassion and bring it to those trapped in their ego.

Restoring A Memory of Wholeness

Dear God, what would you have me know today?

Dear God, what would you have me see today?

Dear God, what would you have me heal today?

I take this moment to open my mind to Your infinite wisdom.
I take this moment to open my heart to Your infinite love.
I take this moment to open my energy to Your infinite grace.

May Your omniscience flow into my mind and out of my pen.
May Your words of love spill into my heart and onto the paper.
May Your omnipotence be felt in every word I mark upon the page.

Dear Mother, Father, God, I come to You in prayer today
to ask for your loving guidance.
Dear Mother, Father, God, I come to You in prayer today
to shield me from my self-recriminating thoughts.
Dear Mother, Father, God, I come to You in prayer today
to ask you to pour your grace into my crown.

May I feel Your love for me course through my being.
May I feel Your love for me pulsing in my veins.
May I feel Your love for me flowing through my inner wounded child.

May I feel Your hand grasping mine in my moments of need.
May I hear Your voice arise from the depth of my soul whenever I lose my way.
May I sense Your peaceful presence whenever my mind is drawn to chaos.

Thank you God for clearing my mind of clutter.
Thank you God for reminding my once broken heart
that it is loved wholly and completely.
Thank you God for soothing the once festering wound of the soul;
for restoring its memory of wholeness.
Where my heart, mind, and soul
have once believed themselves to be shattered beyond repair,
you have, in this moment, restored their divine integrity.
And I thank you God,
from the bottom of my heart
for the healing you have given me this day.

Amen. 

Take Me By the Hand

Dear God, what would you have me know today?

Dear God, what would you have me see today?

Dear God, what would you have me heal today?

Where am I in this journey of learning and healing?
Where am I in this journey of self-discovery?
I'm in a new place and I don't recognize it.
I am no longer shambling through the dense underbrush,
but neither have I summited the mountaintop.
I admit, I usually know better
than to yearn for the finish-line,
but this sensation of winding
through endless switchbacks
has heightened my desire to be done.

I want to have reached a place
where it does not feel strange to love myself.
I want to have reached a place
where it does not feel unnerving to stand up for myself.
I want to have reached a place
where I no longer question my deservingness or lovability.
I feel I have been "on my way"
for what seems like a very long time.

So dear God, please take me by the hand
and lead me beside the still waters.
Dear God, please take me by the hand,
and lead me to the pastures
so I may lay upon the soft down of Mother Earth.
Dear God, please take me by the hand
and guide me to Your Kingdom.
For all I know is that it lays deep within,
and hides like Avalon, beyond the mists;
beyond the fog of the ego's illusions.

Unreachable Layers

Dear God, what would you have me know today?

Dear God, what would you have me see today?

Dear God, what would you have me heal today?

For I know there is unexpressed
and wholly suppressed
rage somewhere deep down
since I have been filled with shame and guilt
for having mirrored the violent
expressions of anger we bore witness to
before our adoption.
And I know that despite
the countless tears I have spilled,
there are still
many more layers of grief to shed
since even the act of crying
has made me feel ashamed.

I had convinced myself
that the only way to be mature,
the only way to stop being childish
was to quit expressing anger and sadness;
being in control of one's emotions
has been of utmost importance to me
and I'd berate myself when I couldn't do so.

My inner child, therefore,
will not yet believe me
if I were to tell her that she
has permission to express
the full depth of her rage, fury, and sorrow.
For I have never allowed myself to do the same.

I have not used even an ounce
of anger to stand up for myself.
It seems my anger can only be summoned
when my sister or
someone else I love dearly
is being put down.

I know these layers are still present,
but I know not how to bring them to the surface,
to allow them to be
fully acknowledged, fully felt, and then released.
Do I begin by shoveling out
the accumulation of shame and guilt?
That seems like a good first step,
but those feelings are cumbersome
and have formed a frozen crust several yards deep.
Digging through it would be
like using a trowel to tunnel through a glacier.

How do I reach the depths
of my emotional body
when I have spent a lifetime
working to bury it?
When I still feel some level
of shame and self-reproach when
anger or sorrow comes to the surface?

Dear God,
please teach me how to mend
the bridge between me and my emotions.
Dear God,
please teach me how to reach
my inner wounded child.
Please teach me how
to soften the permafrost of
shame, guilt, and self-loathing.
For I wish beyond all else,
to finish healing
every last layer of my consciousness.