Unreachable Layers

Dear God, what would you have me know today?

Dear God, what would you have me see today?

Dear God, what would you have me heal today?

For I know there is unexpressed
and wholly suppressed
rage somewhere deep down
since I have been filled with shame and guilt
for having mirrored the violent
expressions of anger we bore witness to
before our adoption.
And I know that despite
the countless tears I have spilled,
there are still
many more layers of grief to shed
since even the act of crying
has made me feel ashamed.

I had convinced myself
that the only way to be mature,
the only way to stop being childish
was to quit expressing anger and sadness;
being in control of one's emotions
has been of utmost importance to me
and I'd berate myself when I couldn't do so.

My inner child, therefore,
will not yet believe me
if I were to tell her that she
has permission to express
the full depth of her rage, fury, and sorrow.
For I have never allowed myself to do the same.

I have not used even an ounce
of anger to stand up for myself.
It seems my anger can only be summoned
when my sister or
someone else I love dearly
is being put down.

I know these layers are still present,
but I know not how to bring them to the surface,
to allow them to be
fully acknowledged, fully felt, and then released.
Do I begin by shoveling out
the accumulation of shame and guilt?
That seems like a good first step,
but those feelings are cumbersome
and have formed a frozen crust several yards deep.
Digging through it would be
like using a trowel to tunnel through a glacier.

How do I reach the depths
of my emotional body
when I have spent a lifetime
working to bury it?
When I still feel some level
of shame and self-reproach when
anger or sorrow comes to the surface?

Dear God,
please teach me how to mend
the bridge between me and my emotions.
Dear God,
please teach me how to reach
my inner wounded child.
Please teach me how
to soften the permafrost of
shame, guilt, and self-loathing.
For I wish beyond all else,
to finish healing
every last layer of my consciousness.