Believe In Your Healing

    I would postulate that the very first step one needs to take toward healing themselves is believing that healing is possible. And for some, this is very hard to do. The greater the wound, the more insurmountable the task seems and yet, healing is always possible. Again, I will draw upon the paraphrase of a Henry Ford quote: Whether or not you think you can do something, you're right. Healing oneself will only ever be impossible if you believe it to be.
    Many of you know by now that my own wounds ran very deep and that my own experience of despair was overwhelming. But I had to believe that it could be better...because in my head at the time, I felt I needed to live for the sake of my family and friends, but I did not wish to suffer eternal emotional turmoil til the end of my years. So before I even fully believed in God, I'd pray to get through it, to somehow find the ever elusive light at the end of the tunnel. Thinking He was really an imaginary friend in the sky, or an absent pen-pal, I didn't know if I was heard  or if my words made any difference.
    My period of grief seemed to go on and on in an endless climb...and there was nothing I could do to alleviate it. Almost nothing. I wrote. I cried. I watched hours of comedy. I did reckless stunts on my bike without a helmet. But mostly, I did my best to pretend I was fine. I'd push it all down until one day, the dam would burst. Although it seemed to be on a hair-trigger, the truth was that by the time I sprung a leak, I had a million reasons I wanted to cry. Heck, this was the case even as a kid...as was the self-loathing that came with shedding tears in public.  I desperately wanted to be in control, especially when other people were around.
    Now circling back to my original point...as long as you choose to believe in your ability to heal from trauma, from a major loss, etc., you will be able to do so. Don't judge yourself on how long it takes. Everyone heals at their own pace, in their own time-frame. Some people will appear to get over things faster, but that may just be their façade. Just because you or I were unable to stay calm and collected all day every day, doesn't mean other people can't. Also remember that healing is not linear; it will often feel like one step forward, two steps back. There may also be times when you hit a major healing checkpoint or hurdle and believe you're done until a few more years pass and you realize you weren't even close to being finished.