How I Learned to See in the Dark

    I've been taking in, more and more deeply, the idea that this version of me is the most useful to God. Not only most useful to God, but most useful for the planet and most useful for myself. What I have learned on this journey could not have been learned without the turmoil. What I have been able to offer others could not have been offered without the strife. Without even trying and without even realizing it, I was able to give many the space to tell their story without judgment or disbelief and my hope is that in those moments that they felt comfortable enough with me to share their nightmare, that they could begin another leg of their own healing journey. And it is likely that we both benefited from the exchange of our horror stories. We both knew in those moments, that we were not alone and that someone else had turned out pretty ok despite the trauma. As we held compassion for one another's story, we began to learn how to hold our own past with compassion. Despite feeling certain that I had chosen this life and despite many of the other beliefs I have held that should have alleviated the weight of the grief, they did not help me much because I still wanted to be the person I would have been had the trauma not occurred. But as I internalize the premise that this version of me, the one who has made it through the darkness, through the pain, is much more useful to everyone than whoever I might have been had my life been easy, I can begin to make peace with a past that held no peace.
    The path I've taken was chosen so that I could gain an understanding of the deepest, darkest places and so I could learn how to see in the dark well enough to find my way out and then light the way for others. My mind held both the prison and the key, my mind held both the misery and the faith. I can finally say that I am glad to be who I am, I am glad to know that I can handle whatever life throws at me because most of what it has given me has been love. Knowing that I have the love and support of others will always be the best gift. I am grateful for all that I am. I am grateful for the whole of my path, for I have become someone who is capable of inspiring others, someone who can offer hope to those who dwell in despair, and someone who is able to guide others through their own path of healing.