Possible Opening for Chapter 1

    My siblings and I come from a long line of traumatized survivors and my own story begins properly just before 1 A.M., June 8th, 1992; it had been hours after my mother's water broke when I finally decided I was done loitering in the relative safety of the womb. (Granted I still arrived a month early.) Despite the neglect and abuse we lived with, we still loved our biological parents. As many survivors know it is possible to love AND fear people...the trick here is that we begin to hate ourselves and believe they are only mistreating because we must be truly terrible beings. We begin to believe there must be something innately wrong or malevolent in us that needs to be beaten out of us.  So we say to ourselves, "they are only doing what they have to".
    The entire first 6 years of my life has successfully been suppressed from my memory (and I thank my angels for that) aside from 6 or 7 revealing snippets; and of those only 4 have to do with my biological parents, the others are from foster care. One of them made the level of neglect clear; it took me repeated attempts to wake my mother before she would finally gather the gumption to get me a Pop Tart for breakfast since they were placed too high for a 2 year old to reach. One showed that my father had no compunctions about beating us with his belt for something as sinister as laughter. Another one revealed that my mother had moments when she truly tried her best to make me happy and the last one makes it clear to me that corporeal punishment does not improve a child's behavior, for I practically said "come and get me" once and ran about the apartment.
    One particular memory of foster care is pretty curious. I recall what must have been my first night in foster care. I was alone in a great big bed (for a two year old) and felt like there was some part of me watching myself and I had this thought of "look how small I look in this bed". There was immense anxiety in that moment, but I would have looked calm from an outsider's perspective. For that first night, I went to my foster sister's room and asked if I could stay in her bed with her.

*I did some muscle testing to find out how long I waited between each attempt & to figure out how many times I had to try.

Chasing the Setting Sun

I have spent my life chasing the setting sun;
I had felt unnerved as I watched it dip below the horizon,
And thought I had to dash after it.
I had believed it was leaving me behind.
And in a way, it did just that;
For darkness enveloped me
As I ran desperately toward the receding rays.

Alarmed and dismayed, I sat...
Or maybe crumpled in a heap on the ground,
And began to weep.
Why had the sun forsaken me?
Why did the sun take its comforting warmth from me?
How could I get it back? For I needed all it provided.

When I at last ran out of tears, I looked about
And saw a few pinpricks of light in the sky
And wondered what they could be.
I didn't know heavy storm clouds were blotting out
Even more of them.
Still feeling left alone in the dark,
A torrential rain began to fall
Buffeting harshly against my bare skin.

Resigned to the deluge, I continued my peculiar search for the sun.
How could something so big and bright hide from sight?
Had I been able to see, I would have noticed
Many other souls questing for the sun,
But as it was, I was certain of my lonesomeness.

Then there was a moment
When the rain stopped,
The clouds drew away,
And I suddenly saw the beauty and grace
Of the unobscured night sky.
It was then that I learned
That even the darkness
Holds enough light to see by.

It was then that I began to see
The lost souls around me.
Some could see the stars,
But many still walked with hunched shoulders
As if the storm was still raging
And perhaps, for them, it was.

Of those who could see the stars,
There were some who were now content with the night
And others who still yearned for the warm embrace of the sun.
Being curious about the pinpricks of light,
I began to study them.
Had they been there through the rain?
Or had they moved in as the clouds moved out?

Remembering that I had seen a few just before the downpour,
I decided they had always been there.
That was encouraging;
Perhaps the sun was still out there somewhere.
If millions of stars can hide behind clouds,
Then surely the sun has a place to hide.

With that thought, I continued wandering.
When my weary feet began to blister,
I sat down once again.
I thought to myself,
'I'm going about this all wrong'.
Resting a while, my delirious mind began to wander.
What if the sun won't rise until we realize we ARE the sun?
What if we came into the world forgetting our true nature?
And what if, in many cases,
Our souls feel utterly trapped in formidable darkness and ceaseless storms?
With my eyes closed,
I turned inward and allowed the sun to rise in me.

When we are surrounded by storms,
it is easy for us to forget we are like the sun and the stars,
always shining just beyond the intangible, vaporous clouds.

Author's note: the cessation of the rain represents my adoption.

Good Omens

    Well this morning started like many others...I was briefly overwhelmed again and asked the universe to give me an unquestionable sign that everything was going to work out perfectly and I got signs all afternoon. Right before I left this afternoon, I had someone contact me about an item I posted on marketplace. He was interested in buying and was willing to get it today. So I grabbed the item and put it in my car before taking off. Then, in the first mile of my drive to Silver Spring from my grandfather's house I saw 2 fawns and then a blue heron flying over-head.
    The exchange went really well despite some reservations. I was worried they'd think I had overpriced it. (But I figured I was selling the case as well as the item stored in it.) Anyway, I put that money and the bit I made on Friday with gardening into the bank. I just put up another item for sale this evening.
    The last major sign was that a message I had received in yesterday's Reiki was reaffirmed. I was told that I was seen as a kite, then as a bird, then as the wind itself (if I remember that last bit correctly). While going on a spontaneous run, I happened to decide as I was passing a road leading to Nolte Park, to turn onto that road and run barefoot in the grassy park. Well, while I was there I saw a family flying a kite across the athletic fields. When I got closer, I saw the kite was decorated to be a bird. You can't get much more clear than that universe. Thank you for reassuring my ego today. I know it needs assurance quite often, but I know that you understand why, so thank you for all the good omens today.

I Am But One

Dear Mother, Father, God, Great Spirit, Our Creator,
I allow You to bless the world through me.
Dear all knowing, all powerful Universe,
I allow You to bless the world through me.
Dear angels, guides and ancestors,
I allow You to bless the world through me.
For this has always been Your plan.
I may be but one solitary vessel,
but that does not mean
I don't have an integral part to play.
Dear Mother, Father, God,
I surrender to Our plan.
I acknowledge myself to be a collaborator with You.

Dear God, I understand now
that I have carried the burdens of the world
so that I could one day unburden the burdened world.
Dear God, I understand now
that I have been led to feel imprisoned by the world
so that I could help free the world from its illusory prisons.
Dear God, I understand now
that I have carried these deep wounds
so that I can apply what I have learned from them in aiding others.
Dear God, I understand now
that I have had to feel my way through the darkness
in order be able to acknowledge the light within and set it free.
For this had been Our plan all along, God.

I may be but one solitary vessel,
but that does not diminish my significance.
I may be but one solitary vessel,
but that does not mean I am expendable.
I may be but one solitary vessel,
but that does not diminish my importance.

After believing my smallness
made me unneeded and unwanted,
unseen and unheard,
I now know that I am to give a voice to the voiceless
and to teach those who feel disempowered
to own their power.

Nothing Much To Say

    You would think that with everything going on right now, I'd have something to write about, but my mind is still just oscillating between care-free bliss and "Oh my God, I can't believe I said yes to this; what was I thinking?" That's not to say I'm not stoked about the trip, but I am back to doing barely enough around the house to set it up... Although we are still putting things aside to donate, most of what I have left to do is to pack out the small things I want from the house and make sure none of my own things are left behind. So basically, I'm pretty much in the same boat as last week. We shall see what magic the universe does.

Middle of the Night Prayers

    I got a sign from spirit to send a certain email I had drawn up earlier in the day on the 7th of this month (a project I hope to monetize), so I accepted the signs, made a few minor tweaks and sent it. Well, now it is the 13th and I haven't heard anything back so, of course, my ego is beginning to panic. The longer I wait for this email the more license my ego has to say "See, I told you so." I'm beginning to wonder why, if my ego was still saying 'no', spirit directed me to send the email. I feel I need to know these things in order to allow spirit, to allow my higher self to take the reins. What can you tell me, God, that would calm my panicked ego?

Dear Mother, Father, God,
please allow me heal my ego's 'no'.
Dear Mother, Father, God,
please allow me to pull the chord
for the parachute You have promised
because all I see
is the ground rushing up at me.

My ego is scared, Mother, Father, God.
So dear God, I let You in and ask You to please
heal the part of me that doesn't feel taken care of.
Please heal the part of my ego
that doesn't believe You will ALWAYS take care of me.

Mother, Father, God, I let You in
I let You into this part of me that is terrified, mortified of this decision.
Dear Mother, Father, God, please,
I let You into the part of me that says 'no, it's impossible'.
So please, dear God, take this 'no' from me now.
Please take my ego's hand and guide it to the parachute's chord.
Show my ego how to release its needs to You.
Take my ego by the the hand, Mother, Father, God,
as it crosses this new threshold of faith.
Guide my ego back to my higher self.
Please, dear God, assure my ego that I am provided for.
Please, dear God, heal this part of me
that believes I am not taken care of,
that believes I will always return to a place of suffering.

Mother, Father, God, I ask this of You from the bottom of my heart.
Please give my ego the healing it needs to say 'yes'
and the signs it needs to believe in this parachute,
that you didn't give me one with holes.

God, I let You in. God I let You in. God, I let You in.
God, I let You in to this part of me stuck in disbelief.
Take my ego's hand, dear God,
take my inner child's hand, dear God,
for that has always been where my 'no's' reside.
Take their hand and show them the parachute
my soul knows You have promised me.
Thank You, God. Thank You God. Thank You God.
Let this be so, and so it is.

The longer my ego stays in charge the more it can prove You wrong God, so please I ask You for swift laser healing of the disbelieving ego. I let You into that part of me. I let Your Grace reach that part of me, to lift it, and support it. I envision You God, teaching my ego how to trust the support of the universe. I envision You God, teaching this part of me how to float effortlessly on the water. Your Grace is like the father's hand supporting the child's spine that would bend preventing her from effectively floating. I picture this in my mind's eye, You teaching me to float by placing Your healing Grace under the part of me that thinks I can't float and bends to prove it. Thank You, God. Thank You, God. Thank You, God.

Still Thriving

Today I say that I know myself
to be mightier than the fire I have walked through.
I know this because I am still standing,
I am still living, still thriving.
Not one part of my past
has conquered me while I yet live,
of this I am sure.

In the last few weeks
I have rendered the flames harmless.
Yes, they altered my psyche
and the way I have perceived the world;
yes, they certainly left their mark,
but now I see these scars as things I shall repurpose.
My scars will be used to ensure
that no one else has to bear them,
or at the very least,
no one else will have to wait
for an endless amount of time
before finding
some
small
morsel
of hope to cling to.

Trauma and tragedy are certainly hard on the human spirit
and yet nearly unavoidable on this planet,
but it is the hopelessness that isolates
and overwhelms us afterward
that can have the power to drown us...
unless we have people to reach out to
who can help keep us afloat
when we are too weary to swim,
when we start to think
that living is a waste of time.

It is by banding together
that we can become stronger than the flames that would burn us.
It is by banding together
that we can become mightier than the sword that would slay us.
It is by banding together
that we can overcome all trauma, tragedy, and heartbreak.
Alone we would surely drown in our sorrow,
but together we shall rise triumphant.
Alone we would surely drown,
but together we shall walk on water.

    It took the continual and continued support of my community for me to make the strides I have made over the years and I hope to help create a world-wide community for those who still feel utterly and profoundly alone in their misery.

Celebrating Manifestation

        One other key thing that came up for me to practice this week is to celebrate all the things I did manifest already and the more I embrace the celebratory mood, the more blessings will come my way as I head across the country in August. I have manifested a very reasonable gardening job, I have manifested this trip and house sitting at the end of it. I have manifested a reasonably priced storage facility for my stuff and moved most of it in in just a couple trips. And if I were to look further back, I was able to manifest a couple huge trips with minimal preparation and they turned out amazing. Within 3 years, I had 14 months of travel under my belt. More recently, I also allowed myself to align with the universe and met a couple who can help me on two fronts. One of them is a journalist and he can provide me with a source for free publicity, and the other works at the University of Maryland and can connect me with the professors there who might be interested in what I want to research and study. She mentioned I could apply for a fellowship/assistanceship and that they do have study abroad programs. So even though these things would be considered tendrils, or stepping stones, they would give me a chance to reach the place I want to be. So I am taking this moment to celebrate all the positive things, big and small, I have orchestrated so far.

Do Not Try, Allow

Guidance received during tonight's meditation:

When you are trying,
you are in your ego consciousness.
When you are allowing,
you are in the consciousness of your higher self.

Do not try to align for God's will for you,
allow yourself to align for God's will for you.
Do not try to empty your mind,
allow all your ego's thoughts to drift down,
to settle down,
just as the silt in disturbed water
will gradually settle back to the bottom
of the stream, or lake, or pond.
Do not try to finish your healing journey,
allow your journey to take place
without any regard whatsoever for your finish-line.
For technically, the finish-line you seek here
will be the death of the body.
Do not try, allow.  

Allow your soul to direct you
and you will not be lead astray.
When you find yourself straining,
return to the state of allowance,
let the silt settle.

This is clearly reminiscent of Yoda's statement--"Do or do not. There is no try." When you acknowledge that you can call upon the power of God, this statement becomes an obvious truth

Going West

    So, I left out a piece of good news in my previous post. I have a bit of delayed gratification in terms of a trip out west. I needed this because I don't think I could have summoned the energy to get this house ready to be sold. Since I really do not want to let go of my grandfather's house, it has been hard for me to summon the will-power/energy to get anything done that would help with this endeavor.
Although I'm ecstatic about the trip, the complicated bit is that I said yes to it thanks to both a dream followed by a moment of intuition (during meditation)...so how I will then afford a down payment on an apartment after this is a whole other question.
    That said, I do have an idea for making money...it just isn't an avenue that guarantees a steady flow so it would definitely be a leap and an act of faith. Hopefully I have a compelling enough story and voice to eventually turn a profit while helping the countless others who struggle with many of the things I have had to deal with.
    I share, and will continue to share my story, to try to give people a sense of hope as well as assurance that they are not alone in the ways in which they suffer. I want them to know that I am right there with them, toiling through the same B.S. and hoping that one day I will wake up and realize that none of the past has snuck into my day through a trigger or an unbidden thought in ages. Even when the thought comes to mind, it doesn't shake me. The only trouble I face now is that a part of my consciousness believes that the trauma could occur again, which is why I find it so easy to believe that certain compliments from men are proof that those men objectify women. And maybe I'm not too far off base on that assumption... I don't have the mental energy to explain this at the moment.

The Roller-Coaster Ride Continues

"You can't wait until life isn't hard anymore before you decide to be happy." --Nightbirde
Words to live by.

    So time got away from me again, but I'm back. The roller coaster ride continues dragging me up and down and all around. On the one hand, I'm happy about a few things. I've gotten a freelance gardening job and although it's only 2 days a week at the moment, if I stay on for this whole month, the 8 days I work will give me more pay than 2 whole weeks at Panera and I am only working 5 hours each time. And needless to say, I'm still pretty ecstatic that I got to be worship leader for my chapel. I also got a surprising amount of work done given that I spent 40 minutes crying late last night and then started crying again while cooking my breakfast this morning at 5:00...yep, another long night of insomnia and weird dreams...I think there were zombies closing in one me in one of them but they looked pretty normal for zombies. But again, I got a fair list of things done today (and sang to music during most of the chores). First I put 15 + boxes out for Green Drop. Then I went around the house and scrubbed the walls with a Magic Eraser, scrubbed the iron out of the tub with the same, polished silver (silver-plate), sorted through my stuff again, tossing some of it, placing other bits in bins for storage. Then I gathered the sticks and branches in the woods behind the house, went for a 1 & 1/4 mile run.
    One crazy part of the last few days is that someone from high school unfriended me and blocked me on messenger because he not only couldn't wrap his head around the fact that I got triggered by his compliments, but because I tried to explain why it is still a trigger despite the fact that I've had years of therapy and have actually made quite a bit of progress. He did not want to own up to his words or see himself as the bad guy. Not that I was saying that to him, but when you can't handle a compliment, some arrogant men think you're too sensitive. He said things like "I think what I said was fairly harmless flirting. Have you talked to a therapist at all now that you are older? Not sure what's the healthiest options for you to have a better life." And he even claimed that I'd "get a better idea" of what he's saying if we were talking in person.
    Nope. Nope. Nope. That is not the problem. I hate those kinds of compliments in person as well as via text and messenger. As someone who has never been comfortable in my own skin, I can't abide by hetero men telling me I have a great figure, especially when the single out the chest or the rear. I happen to know that and hate the fact. I know that by society's standards, I have the perfect shape, but I have never felt safe knowing that men find me attractive; hence, the baggy clothes I wore all my teenage and early adult life...even while in denial. Those compliments feel demeaning and objectifying; like they want the package but not the person who happens to walk around with it. If all you want to talk about is my figure, go find another slender, curvy woman. I need to know that the man complimenting me values me as a whole person.
    They could compliment my muscle tone or my intellect, they could compliment my writing or an obnoxiously loud belch that I tend to shake the house with in the morning after inhaling my breakfast by accident for the umpteenth time.  Just not the body parts I frequently wish I didn't have. It's that very unsettled feeling that led me to consider myself non-binary/gender-fluid. I don't particularly want to be either gender.
    So with all that freshly uncovered as a still very prevalent trigger, I got an email just after that whole show down asking me if I am still interested in getting a free session of Rapid Release therapy (offered only to people with my history of trauma). The catch here is that the session will be taped or filmed, and will be used for this Dr.'s students. It might even be done in front of one of his classes. I said yes even though my insides were knotting up just thinking about it and filled in the two forms. And that email coupled with the former friend issue caused the emotional release to be needed last night and this morning.