The Roller-Coaster Ride Continues

"You can't wait until life isn't hard anymore before you decide to be happy." --Nightbirde
Words to live by.

    So time got away from me again, but I'm back. The roller coaster ride continues dragging me up and down and all around. On the one hand, I'm happy about a few things. I've gotten a freelance gardening job and although it's only 2 days a week at the moment, if I stay on for this whole month, the 8 days I work will give me more pay than 2 whole weeks at Panera and I am only working 5 hours each time. And needless to say, I'm still pretty ecstatic that I got to be worship leader for my chapel. I also got a surprising amount of work done given that I spent 40 minutes crying late last night and then started crying again while cooking my breakfast this morning at 5:00...yep, another long night of insomnia and weird dreams...I think there were zombies closing in one me in one of them but they looked pretty normal for zombies. But again, I got a fair list of things done today (and sang to music during most of the chores). First I put 15 + boxes out for Green Drop. Then I went around the house and scrubbed the walls with a Magic Eraser, scrubbed the iron out of the tub with the same, polished silver (silver-plate), sorted through my stuff again, tossing some of it, placing other bits in bins for storage. Then I gathered the sticks and branches in the woods behind the house, went for a 1 & 1/4 mile run.
    One crazy part of the last few days is that someone from high school unfriended me and blocked me on messenger because he not only couldn't wrap his head around the fact that I got triggered by his compliments, but because I tried to explain why it is still a trigger despite the fact that I've had years of therapy and have actually made quite a bit of progress. He did not want to own up to his words or see himself as the bad guy. Not that I was saying that to him, but when you can't handle a compliment, some arrogant men think you're too sensitive. He said things like "I think what I said was fairly harmless flirting. Have you talked to a therapist at all now that you are older? Not sure what's the healthiest options for you to have a better life." And he even claimed that I'd "get a better idea" of what he's saying if we were talking in person.
    Nope. Nope. Nope. That is not the problem. I hate those kinds of compliments in person as well as via text and messenger. As someone who has never been comfortable in my own skin, I can't abide by hetero men telling me I have a great figure, especially when the single out the chest or the rear. I happen to know that and hate the fact. I know that by society's standards, I have the perfect shape, but I have never felt safe knowing that men find me attractive; hence, the baggy clothes I wore all my teenage and early adult life...even while in denial. Those compliments feel demeaning and objectifying; like they want the package but not the person who happens to walk around with it. If all you want to talk about is my figure, go find another slender, curvy woman. I need to know that the man complimenting me values me as a whole person.
    They could compliment my muscle tone or my intellect, they could compliment my writing or an obnoxiously loud belch that I tend to shake the house with in the morning after inhaling my breakfast by accident for the umpteenth time.  Just not the body parts I frequently wish I didn't have. It's that very unsettled feeling that led me to consider myself non-binary/gender-fluid. I don't particularly want to be either gender.
    So with all that freshly uncovered as a still very prevalent trigger, I got an email just after that whole show down asking me if I am still interested in getting a free session of Rapid Release therapy (offered only to people with my history of trauma). The catch here is that the session will be taped or filmed, and will be used for this Dr.'s students. It might even be done in front of one of his classes. I said yes even though my insides were knotting up just thinking about it and filled in the two forms. And that email coupled with the former friend issue caused the emotional release to be needed last night and this morning.