Hidden Fury

    While in Arizona I began asking myself where I tucked all my anger away. I have known for a while now that though I cannot access it and I can't feel it, that it is simply hidden away. It's improbable for one to go through a harrowing past like mine and not hold any anger towards the person or towards God. I've been angry at God plenty, but have felt indifferent towards my father. Not only that, but I feel as though I have to suppress my anger when around other people so I won't lose those I care about. I have had this belief that there is a thin tether between me and those I love and that it is easily snapped if I step out of line...by getting angry at them or angry around them. I feel as though I need the people around me to believe I'm always happy or something. 

    So back to the hidden rage... I picture it in a plain wooden box with a lid that slides open... But I can't open it yet, because the box is surrounded by a massive Gordian knot and each twist of the knot represents the false beliefs I have about anger, specifically my own anger. Aside from the false belief mentioned above, I also tend to believe that it is unsafe for me to express my rage and fury. I have also felt extreme guilt when I used to copy our biological parents Motus operandi  by first yelling at and then hitting my sister when she didn't respond to my fury the way I wanted her to. (I was 4, 5, and 6 years old at those times and my sister found it hilarious when I yelled at her since my voice would crack and my face would turn bright red.) This guilt caused me to push the anger down even further. I have also believed anger and sadness to be childish emotions to show. Even though I couldn't stop the tears (even in public) I'd feel immense shame when my grief spilled over like that.

I recently let some of that anger out in private, but I barely scratched the surface.