First off, this is not meant to be accusatory nor an excuse.
It was always my responsibility to honor my truth and to seek appropriate
treatments for my struggle(s) with mental health. Secondly, I am writing this
more to give myself grace than to ask for grace from you. Although, I do hope
it helps create a cleaner break should you decide we part ways.
We focused on 1 proverbial taproot and ignored the other one
by looking at the question: "What do you get from this behavior?" Then
and now, I feel that this over-simplified my experience(s) by making it a
matter of will-power. This question made my fight out to be something it
wasn't...it made it out to be easy. Once I agreed that the fight was an easy
one, I dropped my guard all the way down and my unhealthy brain was given free
reign.
I was never seeking attention. I was seeking connection in an
unbalanced way. I felt a profound need to re-establish or re-solidify the
belief that I was loved and cared for and to do so far too frequently. Attempting
to keep the pain (of remorse) a secret caused a great deal of
cognitive dissonance which erased my short term memory that Sunday. Cognitive
dissonance can cause dysregulation which can then trigger an age regression. At
no point could my will-power kick in because it did not yet have the needed scaffolding…something
I can gain through Dialectical Behavior Therapy.
Discovering
the likelihood that I have BPD has led me to second guess my feelings and my
interpretation of everything, which is good. I should have been more willing to
question my perspective.
With
that in mind, a part of me feels as though I loved you enough to allow your opinion* to replace
my truth.
*about the status of my mental health & my supposed
ability to override the brain injury that CPTSD truly is. And I can...in time.
But first I had to acknowledge it and name it.
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