BPD, for me, means I never figured out how anyone could love me. It means doubting the intentions of others no matter how long I've known them. BPD, for me, is my inner wounded child taking the wheel and sabotaging everything... and somehow not realizing it until I return to a more regulated state. BPD, for me, is fearing unconditional love because I habitually, if subconsciously keep looking for a list of conditions to perform for others. Not finding this list actually ignites distress. BPD, for me, looks like not understanding boundaries most of the time... I love intensely but often offer it in a distorted way. I know I'm loved but rarely feel loved. BPD, for me, looks like being fatally optimistic... meaning every time I entered a state of pure euphoria... I always assumed that level of unfettered joy was a sign... a sign that I had healed enough to fly. BPD, for me, means I have always had a distorted sense of self... which caused some relationships to become distorted It means that most of the time I don't know what I want. BPD, for me, is not knowing I'm dysregulated when experiencing euphoria... BPD, for me, looks like dysregulation that often starts too subtly to notice... It looks like dysregulation disguised as groundedness followed by me careening down the rabbit-hole of delusions of lovelessness. And lastly, BPD, for me, feels like being puppeteered into the worst cases of self-sabotage.
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