I Am Not Asking for Pity, I Am Asking for Grace

I am not asking for pity or forgiveness, or even a "get out of jail free" card. I am only asking for grace.    

    I know the falling out was painful for both of us. I know what I did caused a great deal of emotional harm and I would take it back in a heartbeat... Except for the fact that my survival patterns would have kept running on auto-pilot. This upheaval interrupted the pattern in just the right way. I have no idea if you will ever see this as anything other than a disaster and I don't expect you to. I deeply regret that this had to happen to snap me out of the destructive patterns. 
    And unfortunately, my behavior distracted you so much that you didn't think to look more carefully at all of our interactions. If you had, you might have seen that I had been trying so hard, and for so long, to help you understand how chaotic and damaging my inner world was.
    The best 2 examples: 1- the time I said I felt bipolar, 2- all the times that I told you that when my emotions get intense enough, any and all good decisions I could make are erased from my mind. Even the option of doing nothing gets erased. While dysregulated, I could never get my rational mind back online because there was no way to bridge the two. (The emotional mind and the logical mind.)
I hate that it hurt you. 
    I hate that it turned everything upside down.
I hate that I didn't know what I was fighting against and therefore had no access to the words I needed to tell you about it.
I have no idea what lessons you gained...but I hope you looked for the "Blesson". (Rev. Aurelia's wordplay with Blessing and Lesson)

I am not looking for forgiveness or pity, or even a "get out of jail free" card. I am only asking for grace.