Discarding False Beliefs

One of the things I have learned recently is that for most of my life I have felt that I owed everyone the common decency of stoicism and I constantly fell short of that. Maybe I'd be stoic for a day or a week but eventually my emotions would come to the surface despite my intentions which created a lot of anger towards myself. What I also learned though, is that by the time I sprung a leak, I was actually crying for hundreds of reasons, many of which I wasn't even privy to since I could not remember my early childhood traumas. So despite the fact that everyone else saw a "sensitive" child crying over a simple C or some other small experience, I was actually breaking down for unseen reasons, not the seen one. If you are struggling to grasp this concept, here's another true image for you. When I was around 10, I took my first hour long yoga class and within the first five minutes, I was sobbing through the poses and within the first 10, I was sobbing too hard to perform the poses. In one hour of yoga, I only did less than 10 minutes worth. All of those tears had been consistently hovering just below the surface waiting for a reason, however tiny, to show themselves, to be expressed.
So when I learned of what I consider to be my primary trauma (in terms of severity), I knew with my whole being that I had been told the truth. Not just because of my "sensitivity", but for dozens of other compelling reasons. I compare it to when a child is playing with his/her friends and having a blast running around outside and suddenly gets injured. At first the child is too busy having fun and horsing around to notice their injury. But when their friends point out to the child that he/she is bleeding quite profusely and the child looks down, that's when they notice the pain. When my biological mother finally revealed to me that I am a survivor of csa, all of my insecurities and idiosyncrasies made alarming sense. I had even ignored the fact that I had been suffering from a trigger word my whole life. You could also say it was like having had stacks of evidence on your desk proving something, but instead of addressing it, you chose to shove the stacks of folders into the trashcan. I spent my whole life it such denial until someone placed a metaphorical photo in front of my face.

Sing a Song of Love

Today I seek out
the depth of compassion
I have for children and
send a piece of it to myself.

Today I return to
the deep well of love
I have for my friends and
my family and
allow the overflow to
come to me
in the form of self-love.

Today I seek out
the endless patience
I have with children and
apply it to myself and others.

Today I listen for
God's wisdom and guidance;
I seek out
moments of joy;
and I return to a
state of peace and tranquility.

Today I choose to treat myself
as I would a lost or misguided child;
for even a child in tantrum
needs love,
needs compassion,
needs patience.

All of our fears,
expressed and unexpressed,
are simply calling for love.
Love to heal the fears.
Love to dislodge the doubts.
Love to soften the anger and quiet the rage.
Love to lift the weight of grief.
Love to transmute the sorrows.
Love to soothe the pain.
Love to create stillness within the chaos.
For the ego, love is a lullaby.
So, whenever the ego
starts taking over,
send it to sleep
with a song of love.

Dear God, I Ask of You

Dear God, I ask of you,
please allow me
to feel whole again, to
feel loved and lovable
in this time of
isolation.

Dear God, I ask of you,
please take away my
fear of being seen,
my fear of being
desirable.

Dear God, I ask of you,
please allow me to let
go of all my past trauma.
I ask of you, please
do not allow me to
give the pain of my past the
power to take away the future I
desire.

Dear God, I ask of you,
please heal my fears of
harsh judgement,
heal the place within me that
feels less than others simply
because I feel things
more deeply, more
intensely.

Dear God, I ask of you,
please help me learn
to love myself and to let
go of all my self-criticism.
I ask of you, please
help me release my habit of
demeaning and diminishing
myself.

Dear God, I ask of you,
please take away my self-doubt,
confiscate my self-loathing, and
my habit of self-
sabotage.

Dear God, I ask of you,
please allow me to break
my habit of denying myself
of joy, of self-love, of
contentment.

Dear God, I ask of you,
please allow me to feel
your love, your healing, your
guidance.

Dear God, I ask of you,
please help me embrace
my power so I can
discover my place in the
world.

Dear God, I ask of you,
please show me my truest
and highest self.
I ask of you, please
show me what I am
capable of as I choose
to heal myself 
completely.

Freedom

I AM FREE!

Freed from my perceived limitations.

I am no longer bound by these self-made chains.

I AM FREE!
Freed from the illusions of guilt and unworthiness

and all their expressions of shame.

I am no longer bound by these self-made chains.

I AM FREE!
Freed from the false belief of my powerlessness

and therefore released from my role as the victim.

I am no longer bound by these self-made chains.

I AM FREE!
Freed from the illusion that my silence in

uncomfortable encounters will keep me safe.

I am no longer bound by these self-made chains.

I AM FREE!

Freed from the belief that suffering is not only necessary,

but something one must face alone.

I am no longer bound by these self-made chains.

I AM FREE!
Freed from feelings of self-doubt and undeservingness

and therefore freed from repeated self-sabotage.

I am no longer bound by these self-made chains.

I AM FREE!

Freed from the belief that I am unwanted or unneeded.

I am no longer bound by these self-made chains.

I AM FREE!
And I now see beauty

where I once saw pain.

I AM FREE!

And I now feel found

where I once felt lost.

I AM FREE!

And I now hear words of comfort

where I once heard the dissonance of fears.

I AM FREE!

And I now have faith and hope

where I once held despair.

Communing with the Trees

Close your eyes and take 3 deep breaths. Picture in your mind’s eye that you’re standing among ancient trees. Both evergreens and coniferous trees are towering over you, protective sentinels standing, immovable by your side. You approach one of these trees and gently yet firmly place your hands against the rough bark in greeting. While standing thus, you and this tree exchange energetic pleasantries and then you sense an invitation and an offer. This sentinel is inviting you to pour out all of your Earth-bound worries so that it may transmute them through its winding roots and into the Earth. You gratefully accept its offer and as you do, you sense an energetic root system sprouting from the soles of your feet. As your roots wrap around those of the tree and as the energetic exchange takes place, the tree’s own source of energy pours into your palms, fills your heart chakra, strengthens your throat chakra and continues up towards your crown. Within moments, there’s a sudden eruption of energy flowing out of your crown and it’s taking the shape of branches striving toward sunlight. You can feel your aura stretching upwards and outwards towards infinity. Before letting go of the tree, you hear this message float through your head; “if your roots can remain aware of Gaia while your crown remains aware of the benevolent universe, you will be capable of creating what you want.” As you let go, you hear the question, “Are you ready?” and you say to yourself, “I am ready. I am here to accept my mission.” Even as you stand apart from the tree, you still feel your energetic roots communing with Gaia and your branches with the light of the Universe.

Don't Listen to the Ego's Lies

Don’t listen to the ego’s lies, my child.

These setbacks aren’t failures,

They are mere stepping stones and

Are actually just as important

As your successes.

Don’t listen to the ego’s lies, my child.

You may feel entirely alone on this journey,

But I assure you,

I’ve been by your side the whole time,

Keeping you on your path.

Don’t listen to the ego’s lies, my child.

You shall not fall short,

You shall not fail, for

Your drive, your soul’s drive

Is unwavering in its desire

To provide solace to those who feel lost.

Don’t listen to the ego’s lies, my child.

In time, you will indeed

Guide other souls through the darkness.

In time, you will indeed,

Alleviate their pain.

Don’t listen to the ego’s lies, my child.

For it knows not your strength,

It sees not your worth,

And it seeks only to destroy

What you have built.

Don’t listen to the ego’s lies, my child.

Know yourself to be loved and lovable.

Feel with perfect certainty

Your intrinsic value and worth.

For only then, will no one

Have the power to dismantle

Your faith in yourself.

Don’t listen to the ego’s lies, my child.

For I promise you,

You are fierce, you are brave,

And you came here

To do something spectacular.

Don’t listen to the ego’s lies, my child.

Don’t ever doubt, for even a second,

That you don’t already have

All the tools you need

For the job you came here to do.

Don’t listen to the ego’s lies, my child.

Don’t listen to the ego’s lies.

Anxiety Ridden, Midnight Poetry Slam?

So I spent all of last night in an anxiety ridden state and eventually gave up on sleep all together between 2 and 3 AM. I decided to write out my thoughts and see if that would help. There was a modicum of improvement but I was still wired so, I stayed up the rest of the night re-reading and editing some of my old blog posts. Despite the physical discomfort of sleep deprivation, I actually got some shopping done today and managed not only to have a video chat with a couple good friends of mine, but we all put our masks on and went for a very short walk through Northwest Branch. My head was occasionally spinning so we sat down for a good 20 to 30 minutes. I'm prefacing this poem with all this so that you know I'm doing perfectly well now, I just had to de-clutter my mind through my writing.  And actually, to make the poem end on a more positive note, I just now put together the last stanza.

Every now and again,
I feel like all my flaws,
Real and perceived,
Are written in bold
Size 72 font
And my positive qualities
Are written in 9.5,
Making it really hard to
Accept the concept of
Self-love, let alone,
Accept love from others.
And although,
For the most part,
I’ve let go of and
Have forgiven as much as
Possible of the past,
It still creeps up on me,
From time to time causing
My heart to ache.
During these instances,
When my flaws seem too
Prominent and my past
Seems to rest
Heavily in my chest,
My ego poses
The nasty question:
Why would anyone love you?

And my soul answers:
Because of your heart.
Because of your humor.
Because of your empathy.
Because of your kindness.
Because of your love.
Because you are YOU.