Show Me A Walk To Beautiful

Dear Mother God, please show me a walk to beautiful,
the walk to peaceful, to wistful pleasure.
Dear Father God, please show me where you placed me
in your garden of grace.
For surely, I lay somewhere among the water lilies
or the roses with their thorns.
Dear Mother God, please show me where I shine among the stars.
Dear Father God, please show me where my dreams lay
before they feel forsaken among the "could have been's".

Dear Mother God, please show me a walk to beautiful,
a walk to joyful and delightful.
Dear Father God, please show me the moment I chose this life.
For though I know I must have, there are times I feel the need for proof.
Dear Mother God, please show me where my passions lay.
Dear Father God, please show me where my sleep has gone,
for it still hides from me most nights.

Dear Mother, Father, God, please show me a walk to beautiful;
let me walk through Your mind so I may see my soul more fully,
so I may see the truth of who I truly am and release all doubts.

May I learn as I walk with you, Mother, Father God,
that I cannot empower the marginalized
without overcoming marginalization myself.
May I learn as I walk with you, Mother, Father, God,
that I cannot empower those with special needs
without succeeding as someone with special needs.
May I learn as I walk with you Mother, Father, God,
that I can only empower traumatized children
by overcoming childhood trauma
and that I can only empower women by empowering myself.

A Divine Lesson

Today I take in love and let go of fear and doubt.
Today I take in peace and let go of worry.
Today I take in joy and release my perceived wounds.

In this moment I breathe in God's grace
and breathe out the strain of sleeplessness.
In this moment I breathe in God's blessed assurance
and exhale the frustration of perceived powerlessness. 

These lessons were divinely planned.
Where I once was the powerless victim,
I am now the capable caregiver.
Where there was once a man who wounded me,
there is now another who needs my ministrations.
In this new scenario, I am the one with the power,
and I am using it to provide tender, loving, care.
I am learning that we all will
experience extreme moments of vulnerability,
no matter what gender,
no matter how we are built,
no matter how strong others perceive us to be.

I plan to figure out the rest of this lesson
for I feel I only scratched the surface of it.
But in the meantime,
I will again take this moment to breathe in God's love,
to breathe in God's grace,
and to take in God's peace.

Profound Simplicity

Though surely dawn always follows
the deep darkness of the night,
you mustn't take the new day for granted.
For every day is a new day to enjoy the impossible;
the impossible trees that take root in solid rock,
the impossibly sublime scent of jasmine blossoms.

Every day gives you a chance to experience
the miracle of transformation,
to bear witness to the magic filled life-forms
borne from our beloved Mother Earth,
and to give in to the ceaseless wonders of the world.

Every day gives you a chance to fall in love with yourself;
to embrace the enemy you had once perceived in yourself.
Every day is a new day to take in what you love;
to breathe in the whistling, whirling wind,
to draw in the sweet scent of the summer sun,
to take a bite of a succulent strawberry.

The days we wake up to can hold
beautifully simple, yet profound experiences.
You may find yourself simply standing
in the shade of an orchard when
a sudden storm of birds spontaneously take flight
spurring within you a surge of jubilance
that enables your heart
to soar upon the wings of the flock.

Or you may find yourself wading into the ocean,
the soft sand seeping between your toes,
and as you watch the sunlight create diamonds
on the eternally moving, multifaceted waves,
you may feel the rhythm of your heart
match the pulse of the sea
and sense the sun reflecting
and refracting off the light within you.

There is something alluring and splendid
about the profound simplicity
found in the silence of solitude
and the tranquility of nature.
Those who take the time
will always be surprised
by what treasure is unearthed
when they walk with deliberate stillness
into the bosom of Mother Earth
and then step into themselves.

A Beautiful Life

I love my story,
I love my life
with its hassles and hardships
and joy and laughter.
I love my ADHD driven forgetfulness.
I love my social awkwardness.
For these are the reasons my words have weight.
If it were not for the struggles and strife in my life,
my words would sound hollow and insincere.
They would have no resonance,
and would feel disingenuous.
No one with a hard life
wants to hear advice
from someone who
has coasted through with ease.

My trials and tribulations
have colored the way I see reality;
the beauty in the world around me
seems magnified
as does the pain of the world.

It seems to me
that other kindred spirits see
from where my uplifting words
have arisen,
that my words have burgeoned,
have sprouted
out of muck
like the lotus blossoms.
And I have reason to believe
that fellow kindred spirits recognize me;
meaning they can see
that I do not take their pain lightly,
that I am not claiming
that the nursing of our
festering wounds
is easy.
For the lesions tend to
sting and chafe and ooze
before they become benign aches.

I am grateful for my suffering
for those moments have caused me
to seek my inner voice of wisdom.
I am grateful for my idiosyncrasies
for they have made me beautifully
and undeniably human.
I am grateful for my heartache
for it has expanded my capacity
to give love, to show patience
and express compassion.
I am grateful for my inability
to masquerade as someone else,
for it has led me to the truest
and deepest friendships.
I am grateful for all that life has given me,
the good, the bad, and the ugly,
for I was able to allow
the exquisite elegance of nature
to draw me out of the chaos,
to show me the beauty in all things.

My past pain is beautiful
for I can still laugh with delight.
My past hardships are beautiful
for I can still find bliss.
The entirety of my past is beautiful
for I have chronicled a journey
that reverberates with loving, healing
blessed assurance, and peace.

It Is Time

As I sit and listen to the silence,
I try to decipher my soul's whispered secrets
and to transcribe the healing visions of my heart.
Some days I settle in and the words simply flow.
But sometimes I have to wait
for the chaotic energy to quell
before the right words can be ushered
into my mind.

This delay is commonly a sign
that I have to reset the equilibrium
of doing and being.
So today, I must wait...and wait.
And as my focus shifts back within,
as I reattune my awareness
to the rhythm of my heart
and to the cadence of my breath,
I hear that it is time for me to trust my wings;
that it is time for me to take flight.
My dawn has arrived and it is time.

I feel I am being told
that I have successfully completed
all of the prerequisites needed
for the next leg of my journey,
that my convictions are now steadfast.
My heart is assuring me that
I have, at last, accepted my deservingness
and relinquished my obsession
with being the martyr.
My soul is confirming that
I have finally internalized
the idea that I have indeed, chosen this life
and the hardships it has entailed,
and that I now know myself to be a soul,
the soul that chose this storyline,
not the person who seemed to have suffered so. 

Given this, they tell me,
it is time to soar into your sweet, crisp dawn,
with a song of faith and hope in your heart;
this song will keep your wings strong
and your sight sure.

My heart and soul remind me
to call on my angels and guides
whenever I sense a brewing storm.
They tell me, "you are ready,
you are ready for everything!" 

The Day Has Come

After many battles fought and won,
the day has come, the day has come.

After restless nights come undone,
the day has come, the day has come.

After long days lost to grief outrun,
the day has come, the day has come.

My very own silky, brisk,
and invigorating dawn
has arrived in all of its glory;
rejuvenating my senses;
my sense of peace,
my sense of love,
my sense of compassion,
my sense of gratitude.

A brand new day has dawned for me today,
one unlike any other.
For today I find
that I no longer wish to restart my journey;
to have a childhood free of trauma and instability.
I no longer wish to be someone else.
I no longer wish for all the things I felt I didn't have enough of,
for I carried enough love in me
to make up for an apparent deficiency.
I carried enough strength and wisdom
to mend my heart and the hearts of others.

A brand new day has dawned for me today,
one unlike any other.
For today I finally know
that I need not fear the past,
that I need not acknowledge the ego's lies;
for the ego has believed
that things had happened to me
whereas I now believe
I put myself in the way of these circumstances.
That is to say,
I knew what was coming
before I returned to the earth plane.

And so I proclaim:

After many battles fought and won,
the day has come, the day has come.

After restless nights come undone,
the day has come, the day has come.

After long days lost to grief outrun,
the day has come, the day has come.

A Fall Into Grace

If a tragedy is a fall from grace,
a King dethroned,
a prince dishonored,
someone who had it all
and then lost it all,
then I think, perhaps
my story is the opposite.
I think it has been a fall into grace.

For my journey began
with a scarcity of safety,
a dearth of devoted care,
and a lack of love.
I began life with small thoughts
and a small sense of self.
I felt I was insignificant and inconsequential,
that I did not belong anywhere.
Frequently, I found myself wondering:
why am I even here?
For no one wanted or needed me.

Then one day, to our great relief,
my siblings and I got adopted...my first fall into grace.
Though my family life was now comfortable and loving,
my school experiences became my new source of hardship.
As I continued to encounter people who failed to see my worth,
I sadly, became one of them.
For I figured, if so few people saw my merit,
then maybe it just wasn't there.

This new thought of scarcity
hence entered into my subconscious
promoting episodes of self-sabotage
and a slew of self-recriminating thoughts.
But soon there was another fall into grace.

The summer of 2006,
I finally had experts confirm
that my socializing challenges were real
and had a name.
So I began to work
on the shortcomings they said I had
and started making friends with fellow "outcasts".
My fool-proof self-deprecating humor
made my newfound friends laugh
in our initial moments of conversation.

January 2010:
my biological mother decides to reveal
a time capsule I had buried 'neath
"the rich soil of positive memories"*.
Though this spurred a spiraling fall,
I managed to pull out of the nose dive
and sputter clumsily above the ground
for a few more years.

When I eventually crash landed
into the "wrong" degree,
I saw just a year later
that it had been a third fall into grace.
For I began my magical 2,000 mile trail;
a journey of divine healing.
I finally began mending
the broken vision I had of myself.

The people on this trail could see my worth
and they even held up a metaphorical mirror
so that I too could lay my eyes on it again.
Here among the mountains,
I was rediscovering
the powerful person I always was.
For it takes strength and courage
resilience and perseverance,
not to mention endless patience
to wade through the dark,
tumultuous waters
of grief-ridden self-loathing;
to keep choosing life when
the peace of death seems inviting;
to keep choosing life when
much of what you've seen of it
has appeared sinister.

And the best part is,
my healing journey
continued after the trail.
I became part of a second family.
A family made up of others
who have experienced trial by fire
and had come through it
with grim determination...
eventually softening into tranquil acceptance.
Leastways that's our goal, our desired finish line.

I feel I am richer in gratitude
than those who have led an easy life.
I feel I am richer in compassion
than those who have not faced adversity.
I feel that I am richer in patience
than those who never had to wait for love.
Even my dreams are richer, are grander
than those who never used daydreams
to draw themselves out of despair.
I am richer in hope than those who never needed it,
and richer in love,
for I have fallen into glorious grace
and I thank all the people who have lit the way.

*a quote pulled from one of my previous poems entitled "Time Capsule", shared back in 2015.