A Very Tired 29th

So today I am 29 and I have no plans on how to spend my day. Which it turns out, is a good thing...because I didn't sleep last night. Despite what was on my mind all night, I wasn't feeling stressed or anxious...at least, not exactly. Lately I've been having these new bizarre sensations that seem to indicate that I am healing deep layers rapidly. Just my current theory, but I might know more this afternoon. They initially started whenever I repeated my intention of forgiveness. But now sometimes they don't need me to state the intentions in order to get that sensation.
My mom and I are going to go out to eat sometime this week when I feel I can safely drive on the beltway (i.e. not too tired.) and then we're going to watch some old videos taken of my sister and I when we were practically toddlers. Right now though, I might lay down and try to rest my eyes a bit before my one planned, low key event.

Birthday Eve Prayer of Thanks

Dear God, thank you for another trip around the sun.
Thank you for highlighting the magic in my life.
Dear God, thank you for allowing me to become part of this loving community that I have found in the Takoma Park Chapel.
Thank you for bringing people into my life who are willing and able to remind me of and show me my worth.
I thank you God for bringing me to a place where I am encouraged to use my voice, where I am assured that I have valuable things to offer.
I am truly blessed to be surrounded by people who are finding surprising ways to lift me up, to empower me, and who are teaching me to fly.
Their generosity fills my heart with so much joy, for I never knew these blessings were coming, I didn't know I deserved them.
Their compliments, their assurances, and their loving sentiments are beginning to replace the bully that lived in my head all these years.
Dear God, thank you for carrying me to this precious moment.
There was a time when I could not have imagined such a gift as this; a place where I could discover my inner magic, a place where I could truly know belonging.
There was a time when I thought that I did not belong anywhere, but now I have been shown the truth.
Thank you God for all of the blessings in my life.
Thank you for the gift of the trail, thank you for the gift of vagabonding in Europe and thank you for the upcoming gift of vagabonding through the states.
Dear God, your blessings truly know no bounds and I give thanks. 

Held Back By A Suppressed Memory?

 CW/TW: discusses trauma/mentions the four letter r-word 
    Before you read through this I just want to say that my current mental and emotional state is healthy and balanced. I was briefly thrown out of balance last night, but I have re-centered myself. Do not see this post as an invitation to a pity party. Lately I have started to write more specifically about subject matter that I typically try to either leave out or allow my audience to infer because I am getting closer and closer each day to reaching a place of acceptance and forgiveness of the past. Despite what I describe below, I count yesterday as a beautiful blessing of a day.
    So yesterday held a nice surprise. A friend of mine from high school called in the afternoon and offered to bring by some extra groceries that his aunt had gotten for him. Shortly after he arrived and I put the things away he offered to take me out to dinner. All of this without remembering that my birthday is right around the corner. So we go out to eat at a nice seafood place on the water with a beer garden, though we didn't indulge. As is the case with all of my friends, we had a very intriguing conversation while waiting for our meal.
    Now, here we are waiting to be served the food we ordered, and he is confirming that the reason I keep gnawing at the past is because there is some suppressed memory or detail of an event that I need to know about that is still holding me back from all that I am hoping to accomplish. Which is a bit mind blowing because I can't fathom what suppressed memory could be worse than the knowledge that I survived being raped by my biological father. Later in the evening I realized that maybe it's not that I have to recall a different event, but something specific about it. Like perhaps this trauma included a near death experience or something.
    Once again, be rest assured that I'm not feeling overwhelmed by this news at the moment and actually feel like I am more ready to deal with it than I did last night. Nothing I learn about my past surprises me anymore, but learning about what happened is vastly different than remembering, so I still count myself lucky that I don't recall anything. The news didn't stop me from sleeping (I had CBD and Valerian).

The Power of Salvation

    In A Course in Miracles, it states that salvation is the undoing of what never was. That is to say, it is the unlearning of the miseducation of the ego. Our egos have led us to believe that we are guilty, unworthy, and separate from God. Lesson 72 in ACIM states that "holding grievances is an attack on God's plan for salvation." My conclusion here is that forgiveness and salvation are almost certainly one and the same...or the former leads us directly to the latter.
    When I view those whom I most need to forgive in their original, sinless, innocent form, when I view them as wounded children yearning to feel cherished, I am undoing what never was. By viewing them as beloved children of God, I am re-writing their stories of pain with stories of their undeniable holiness. I am re-writing my own history of pain with the knowledge that what occurred was not proof of my unworthiness, was not proof of my unlovability, or my lack of belonging. And I acknowledge that my father's actions were also not proof of his unworthiness, unlovability, or lack of belonging, just proof that he felt hopelessly alone in a world of darkness and despair.

Forgiveness is the means through which we reach our salvation.
Forgiveness entails perceiving who we were
before we thought ourselves abandoned by God, by love;
forgiveness entails perceiving who our villains were
before they thought themselves abandoned by God, by love.
The divine power of salvation rests in our very hearts, in our very souls.
When we remember our own divinity
and when we can see through the smoke,
when we can peer through the chaos caused by lost souls
and see our brothers' and sisters' divinity,
we shall set ourselves free
and grant the promise of salvation
to those who have harmed us.
After we do this work, it will be up to them
to set themselves free,
for we will have only shown the way.
However your own freedom from grievances
shall be the imperceptible draft from a butterfly's wing
creating a monsoon on the other side of the world,
it shall create a domino effect
throughout mass consciousness;
for it is no small thing
to release the weight of your grievances
in a world where chaos still yet reigns.

To Become the Master of My Fate

I gently close my eyes and travel back in time.
Back to a time when I was scarcely ever safe.
Back to a time when I didn't know I was cherished.
I am just two years old here, in this scene.
I sweep my tiny self gently into my arms and caress her tenderly.
As I comfort her, I sense behind me God's heavenly host of angels.
One of them places their hands on my shoulders,
fortifying me with courage, with healing grace.
I feel them surrounding me,
each one has their hands placed on the shoulders
of the heavenly beings in front of them so that I receive love from all of them.
While standing here, in front of the event I am intent on healing from
and with the heavenly host standing steadfast behind me,
in my mind, I repeat:
        'I forgive you, father.
        I forgive you, father.
        I forgive you, father.'
My inner child hears my thoughts and is puzzled.
        'Why are you trying to forgive him for this?'
'Because,' I mutter,
        'I know that he is in far more pain than he is causing us.
        He cannot see through his anguish.
        But you need not attempt to forgive him
        in this moment if you are not ready.
        It is enough that I do so for now.'
The angels around me add,
        'You must know, we want to intercede here,
        but this was something you chose to overcome.
        See past this pain, see through it, into his humanity; see his own wounded child.
        This event was agreed upon by his soul and yours,
        so condemn him not.
        And be rest assured that this means that even here,
        you are not the victim.
        You came here and chose this
        so that you could learn how to become,
        the "master of your fate" and the "captain of your soul".'

With that, my inner child begins to chant with me,
        'I forgive you, father.
        I forgive you, father.
        I forgive you, father.'

The Truth About Depression

    Last night, while struggling for the umpteenth time to sleep, I wrote:

When in the midst of my lows,

I feel ready to leave the world behind,

because I don't know how else
to escape what's on my mind.

    I may not have done this as often in my writing, but I often play the Gemini card and claim that's the primary reason for my ups and downs. I don't officially have bipolar disorder and I don't believe my highs would ever count as mania so much as feeling high on life. But my downs are tricky and they last a long time because after the unexpected nose-dive into depression, there's a bit of a hang over period where I begin to judge myself for being temperamental, for getting depressive all over again. And to top it off, when I'm experiencing rock bottom, I refuse to reach out because my number one rule is to not be a burden on anyone.
    Obviously, I have failed at that on a number of occasions and wanted to be swallowed up by the earth afterward; I can't bear the thought of adding weight to someone else's load. That doesn't mean I never share my history, it just means that I try to make sure that either A: I am in a positive enough mood not to bring the person down in my sharing or B: that the person is ok with hearing my truth. However, shortly after my biological mother told me that there was a very real reason for me to have a trigger word, my desire at times, was to have someone commiserate with me. Like I said, I know I sometimes fail at upholding my own rule, and each time there was regret.
    What some people don't fully understand about mental illness is that we lose ourselves entirely in anxiety. Believe me, we WANT to snap out of it, but our logical mind is out of commission when we experience depression, leaving us high & dry since we can't remember or properly grasp & use the coping skills we may have gained. I have days where I am convinced that everyone either hates me or is, at the very least, simply putting up with me. And one time I came to the crazy conclusion that the only way for me to save my relationships was to email an apology to the group with a not so subtle undertone of self-loathing...just to make sure they knew how sorry I was for my faux pas. I have days where I think, "How can anyone love me when I'm clearly a wreck?"

30 Before 30

    Now although I've done this type of list before, I feel that it is important to do this exercise again this year; almost every time my birthday approaches, I start thinking of all the things I failed to achieve, didn't do, or didn't complete. I didn't get my teaching certificate. I never held a job I thoroughly enjoyed (not for long, anyway). I never made $15 an hour or had the opportunity to claim the benefits of a 40 hour work week. I never had a place to call my own. Now some of these, or maybe all of these, are not my fault. Anyway, today I've challenged myself to make a list of 30 things I DID accomplish before 30 (although I'll be 29 this year). This list includes things big and small because it's time for me to acknowledge that there is no such thing as a small success when you're simultaneously handling anxiety, depression, and chronic insomnia induced by past traumas.

1.) Broke the school track record for the mile and earned a total of 4 track medals in middle school.
2.) Joined marching band and symphonic band in high school.
3.) Nailed a trumpet solo in senior year of high school.
4.) Graduated from high school as a member of the National Honor Society.
5.) Became the 1st in my family to complete a four year college degree.
6.) Spent 2 weeks in Maine hiking the 100 Mile Wilderness.
7.) Spent 10 days in Montana doing trail maintenance with the Sierra Club.
8.) Volunteered to work at a summer camp for children on the Autism Spectrum.
9.) Volunteered to work for MD Special Olympics to celebrate my birthday.
10.) Started a poetry club in high school.
11.) Got a short story published.
12.) Got a couple of poems published.
13.) Got a full scholarship to Montgomery College.
14.) Worked one summer as a paid counselor for a couple of children on the Autism Spectrum.
15.) Overcame a fear of driving and got a driver's license and a car.
16.) Became conversational in French & memorized 16 French songs.
17.) Got straight A's one semester in college.
18.) Started a blog.
19.) Hiked the entire Appalachian Trail with my own money.
20.) Ended up in someone else's  blog/book about the A.T.
21.) Was interviewed for a podcast about A.T. thru-hikers.
22.) Ended up in a documentary about women thru-hiking the A.T.
23.) Spent 8 months in Europe on a self funded trip.
24.) Became the plant-care coordinator for a Community Supported Agriculture Scheme in England.
25.) Launched a writing class for my chapel community.
26.) Self-published my own book of poetry.
27.) Finished a 9 mile Tough Mudder race.
28.) Wrote and recited meditations for events hosted by my chapel.
29.) Spent my spring break volunteering to help with hurricane relief in Alabama in 10th grade.
30.) Walked the El Camino in France and Spain.

And I have also managed to heal myself well enough to experience emotional and physical intimacy with someone which, believe it or not, is no small feat.