More From My Internal Monologue

Even when my mind starts coming up with encouraging thoughts, it can create an elaborate monologue that is capable of keeping me wide awake. My mind keeps dwelling on not simply the BS that I went through, but how I pulled through despite the BS.
I moved passed a phase of passive suicidalism and years of PMDD. For years, I've felt small and insignificant among my peers since they didn't want to have anything to do with me and claimed that they could say and do whatever they want to me since "life isn't fair". Due to early childhood trauma, I occasionally acted out in class or would cry over a "C" because I felt thwarted in my efforts to prove myself as smart, and therefore as someone with worth. Despite what teachers thought of me then, I ended up in the National Honor Society in high school and got myself a full scholarship to Montgomery College. I even managed a semester of straight A's in college when I stopped procrastinating on every assignment.
In my last year of middle school, during a major school trip no less, my peers walked away from the table when I sat down to join them at dinner only to come back when I left. Granted, one peer who hadn't seen this occurrence, invited me back during dessert. This repeated experience drilled into my psyche that I didn't matter; that I was worth less than others. Not to say that I didn't have friends, but as I remember it, it feels like I had one good friend at a time. (One of whom I reconnected with and discovered she remembers me!)
There was a time when, despite waking at 2 AM from severe abdominal pain that caused me to "upchuck" until I got to dry heaves, I couldn't dream of waking my mother up to ask her to take me to the hospital. It wasn't because of anything she had ever said or done to me, it was what I had started to believe about myself that made me pause. "This pain is terrible, but they deserve to sleep; I'll wait til 6." I literally watched 4 hours of some show wondering if it was appendicitis.
Just 3 weeks or so ago, I finally internalized the idea that I have permission to be myself, as stated in my previous post, I believe. But the point still stands that I discovered my inner strength due to these hurdles. It's what got me onto and through the Appalachian Trail; it's what allowed me to save again for an 8 month trek around Europe and the UK.
As I stated once in a blog post long, long ago: "The sunrise/sunset is beautiful because of both the clouds and the sun" and so it seems is life. If I hadn't struggled so much, I wouldn't have accomplished these things. I hiked the Appalachian Trail because of a major setback. The best things come to me after a heavy storm.

Affirmations

Recently, during a walking outdoor meditation, I received a message that I wish I could have heard more often in my life. Even though I have always been un-apologetically me, the fact that most of my peers and some of my teachers wished I would act differently affected me and caused me to believe that these differences made me less deserving of love and care. This affirmation came with two phrasings: "I have permission to be myself" and "I am allowed to be me".
After so many years of being surrounded by naysayers it took a few years of being surrounded by "yaysayers" for me to receive and internalize this message. People at my chapel have provided a space for me to unlearn much of the negative internal monologue that has had power over me.

Fifteen Reasons to Have Faith in My Future

This post is more to untangle the Gordian Knot that has made itself at home in my mind than anything else so I hope you can pardon the disorganization. It is an attempt to leave behind this funky mood that I appear to have an unhealthy addiction to. Perhaps a part of me loves feeling depressed because despite all the positives in my life, I've been choosing the doom and gloom outlook. Part of it has to do with the current state of politics that seem to evoke a deep pervasive feeling of hopelessness. When I look toward the future, I see nothing. There are plenty of ideas flooding my head as is the curse of the Gemini, but none of them are settling in my head and heart as feasible options.
 
Things I Appreciate

1.) Me and my siblings adoptions
2.) My 2 best elementary school friends (even though I haven't seen them since)
3.) My tenacity and perseverance in ignoring naysayers
4.) The years I've worked with children
5.) My ability to be patient with children
6.) Volunteering with the Special Olympics for my birthday
7.) Seeing the Grand Canyon, Bryce and Zion Canyons for my 13th birthday
8.) To have been able to save money from an early age
9.) Completing high school after having learned of past traumatic events (i,e.-despite severe depression)
10,) Obtaining a full scholarship for my first year at Montgomery College
11.) Getting straight A's one semester at Shepherd University
12.) Completing a degree from Shepherd University after my older brother attempted suicide
13.) Choosing to start and successfully completing the Appalachian Trail
14.) Having been able to save money while working at Panera less than 40 hours a week
15.) My 8 month trip to Europe, the UK and Morocco and having money left over

Good Luck

So, I arrived in Paris last night around 11, had absolutely no trouble with Border Control and ended up meeting a couple at the Sheradon Hotel within the airport. I had asked them the price of that place and it was somewhere between 200 and 300 euros. Spontaneously after that, they started discussing a solution for me. My original plan was to sleep somewhere in the airport but none of the seats would have worked and there was no carpet over the tile and I wasn't entirely sure it was allowed. Apparently, they hadn't been sure that they would arrive at the same time (on the same night) and each booked a room somewhere meaning that there was currently a booked room that wasn't in use and they figured out a way to let me have it for the night. He gave me his business card and said to call if the plan wasn't working out right away. He had sent an e-mail to the hotel and CC'ed me in it but neither the hotel or I had gotten it so after the call was made to verify that this story was indeed true, I got the room last night. Still not a lot of deep sleep last night but I was at least comfortable.

A Day of Self-Care

So today, after hanging around the hostel all morning with new friends from Germany, I went to enjoy hammam and a massage. It was something we were going to do together but they ended up needing to complete a busy day as it was their last full day here before going home.  Hammam is a head-to-toe scrub bath done by a member of the same sex and the water they use is hot in just the right way. Contrary to what I imagined, the room contained not a pool, but a couple of clay slabs with a light, permeable mat to lie on and a big pot of water continuously filling til the end when the pour the remaining water over you. The experience felt more like being polished than simply scrubbed. They get every bit of dead skin off of you and shampoo your hair. Afterward, the oil used in the massage made my skin seem brand new again. There is still a ton of work left to do in order to fix the muscles in my shoulders, but today was a lovely start. The whole experience only cost 30 Euros (300 dirhams) plus a tip.

A Night in the Desert

Yesterday I chose a trip to Zagora which takes you through a place that looks enough like Tatooine that a French man felt that Star Wars was filmed there and although that turned out to be false, many other American films have been including Gladiator, The Mummy, and The Hills Have Eyes. The name of that place is Ouarzazate. It was a two day trip and it took a full 6 hours of driving (stops not included) in order to get there. So we sat for most of the day and when we arrived we rode on camels to the campsite of berber tents.
We arrived in time to watch the sun set and then star gaze for a while before the moon came up. They served us a dinner of soup with rice and the Moroccan classic, tagine with chicken. Afterward, all the separate groups (there are many vans/shuttles taking people to each of the places I've been so far) gathered around the fire pit and enjoyed drumming and chanting. One of the gray-haired guests started dancing and amusing everyone there. It was an international group but we were all grinning and laughing (without judgement) with him. A new friend and I stood up and started clapping and somehow I happened to be moving in a way that got the dancer's attention and he pointed at me and said "you're next!".
It was the first time, without alcohol, that I felt free enough to dance. He opened the dance floor for me in such a perfect way that after watching him and the reactions of this group, my inhibitions weren't interrupting or blocking the improv moves. I was definitely no better than him at dancing but someone did compliment me on the dance. There's no way to show anyone what they were because the moment has passed and until I find that place again, my inhibitions are back in play.
After a long, chilly night, we woke up around 7, had a breakfast of bread, butter and honey outside while watching the sun rise then we were on the camels by around 8 since I know we got into the van around 8:30.
My phone lasted long enough to capture photos of what turned out to be a mix of snow capped mountains, canyons, and plateaus of the six hour journey. How long it would have taken if there hadn't been any dangerous, narrow roads with hairpin turns, is a mystery. The roads were well maintained which was a relief but it was slow going.

First Days in Morocco

Wednesday morning, I took a flight to Morocco and after spending an hour in customs check, I made my way to my hostel. As per usual, I was exhausted when I arrived and went to bed pretty early. Before bed though, I was able to set up a day trip to Ourika Valley.

Yesterday, after a profound sleep, I woke up with minutes to spare and got ready to head out for the day. There was a group of us in a van and we drove for 45 to 60 minutes before we stopped for the walk. As we walked, we passed by waterfalls and traversed the white water. This place was remarkable to me as it was the first time I saw red soil at the base of a mountain followed by evergreens and then capped with snow. The guide was a lot of fun.

Today was crazy for me. It was overall a great day, but it ended with me wanting a good cry. I visited Essouira, a beach side town and bought a few things as gifts. However, as I was leaving, I was talked into buying stuff I didn't want or need. They are also going to be gifts because I don't feel the need to collect. It was a beautiful place full of seagulls drawn to the fishermen, and the people are really nice there.