Writing as a Form of Play

I've been reading a new book about the writing process entitled If You Want to Write by Brenda Ueland. Her take on it is amazing and I actually agree 100% with what she says. She says that we all have creative potential but that we consistently constrict it by claiming that we must sound a certain way or by fearing that we'll write something terrible. We also set limits by looking exclusively for extrinsic rewards for our craft when we actually can get plenty of intrinsic satisfaction. If we want to paint, sculpt, do wood work or write, we need to approach each art-form as a child would, from the energy of play. And part of this means that we also need to accept the fact that idleness is often part of the process. She states that we shouldn't fret if we sit in front of our journals or laptops gazing into space while we stroke our hair. Inspiration comes in quietly and if you sit and wait for it, your muse/inspiration might just start to slowly blossom giving you a grand idea to work with. Being alone and idle is good for the artist and the more we relax the more we allow things to flow.
In her classes she says she sometimes challenges everyone to write the most terrible story they can and surprises everyone when they find out that no one can. When you accept the idea of writing awfully, then suddenly you can't do it, but when we fret about it, all that we spew out is clunky, awkward or wordy. Although, she also turned it into a game so the whole room probably became very playful and relaxed.
Another interesting thing she talks about is that readers know when the writer is being insincere or dishonest. And by this I mean, whenever the writer is trying too hard for the reader to reach a certain conclusion. They want the reader to see their hero as ________, ________, and _________ so they do everything they can to make it clear to the reader instead of allowing the flow and the pace of the story to gradually reveal those qualities. Doing things like this will make the reader doubt the writer's descriptions. Writers need to write what feels true to them and recognize that what feels true today might not feel true tomorrow because our flow of emotions is constantly evolving.

English Poems from College

Masterpiece

The wind encourages the water to dance
sending ripples across the bay.
The sun and wind work together
to create and display.

While the sun sends its light to the water,
the wind wrinkles it,
causing the bay to flicker
with the sun's brilliance.

Puddles and Droplets

I notice as I bike on past,
puddles of water smother the grass.

I notice as I speed on by
shimmering droplets fall from the sky
creating stars that appear and vanish
within the blink of an eye.


May Day Poem

The sun peeks it's head over the horizon
As if cautious of it's arrival.

The wind lends its energy
To the foliage above,
Stirring them awake.
As the lush leaves tremble
From the rush of the wind,
They whisper the coming of the Green Man.
Spreading rumors and telling tales,
An almost audacious breeze
Sends to all the trees
A promise of peace.

By now the sun is well above the horizon
And is spreading its expansive rays over the verdant valleys.

French Poems from 9th Grade

For my French class in freshman year we were given an assignment. Our teacher had us write our own poems in French. Now I'm not sharing this to show off. If you translate them, you can tell they're pretty weak since French, obviously, wasn't my first language. I'm actually sharing them for a friend of mine.
Also, just so you know, none of them have titles. Apparently I just numbered them.

Poem # 1
Qu'est-ce que tu aime?
J'aime gateau et chateau.
Qu'est-ce que tu as?
J'ai un chat tres beau.

Poem # 2
Qu'est-ce que tu aime faire?
J'aime faire de ski.
J'aime plonger.
J'aime fair beaucoup choses,
En l'hiver en l'ete.

Poem # 3
Le vent sur ma visage
Est libere mon espirit,
Ca fait moi senti jeune.

Poem # 4
Une bouteille du mercure
Renverser sur le sol.
Nous sommes sorties
d'un batiment en masse.

Poem # 5
Je veux une jupe verte,
mais c'est plus cher.
Je veux une veste jaune,
mais c'est trop grande.

Ideal Relationship

Today I wrote down a list of what I would be looking for in a relationship and how my life would change if there was true chemistry and a few really interesting things came up. I know I would want someone who can tune into my needs, not that I wouldn't communicate them clearly but if someone wants to prove they are interested, they should only have to hear them once. For me this means if I mention that an untidy shared living space causes anxiety, I shouldn't have to be the one who always has to bring up the fact that we need to do some cleaning. It scares me to consider living with someone I feel inclined to nag about dishes, laundry or clutter. I'm not a neat freak; my bedroom is an absolute mess. But when I was living with my now ex, I found out that sharing a living space seems to make me feel a much greater need for a keeping things tidy. For one thing, if you want to invite people over, you will save yourself a great amount of effort if you have been consistent in doing the household chores. You will even feel much more willing to invite others over if you keep your place clean.

I would want someone who loves and accepts my quirks and who can be patient when I go through my ups and downs. My approach to dating has always been to be the most honest version of myself. I refuse to pretend to be what I think someone else might want me to be because that's how you set your own trap. It's impossible to find the right match when every time you go on a date, you act like a completely different person in an attempt to impress the man or woman sitting across from you. If they don't like that I talk too much or that I seem to be able to inhale food at the same rate as their dog when I'm starving, then that's fine. If they don't appreciate my jokes or my ability to recite obscure British comedy, that's fine too. I'm looking for someone who loves the whole package and I'm aware that some of my quirks can be off-putting, but I'm willing to occasionally embarrass myself in order to find the right guy. No, I'm not playing how to lose a guy in ten days, I'm just not going to waste time and energy on creating a false pretense about who I am. There's one person at work who said to me that I'm still single because I'm too independent. Hah! We're in the 21st century, I would hope that there are some good honest men out there who are interested in independent women by now. Sure, I want to be taken care of, but there should be give and take in a relationship and the giving and taking should be occurring on both sides if that is not already clear.

Anyway, another thing I wrote was that when I find the right someone, I will dream bigger and go through life with carefree abandon; I'd be able to go with the flow. I want someone who can make me believe in myself on a whole new level. That quote, "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars" comes to mind. I want to brainstorm and co-create new adventures together. We're going to encourage each other to improve ourselves on a daily basis; I believe when you find the right person, the two of you will make each other feel inclined to grow, mature and blossom.

New Discovery

So I figured out this evening why there has been a feeling of intense insecurity around the beginning of each school year. The innate fear of new beginnings and the lack of faith I've had in myself to handle the new experiences most likely came from the few years I spent in foster care. Each new family brought about new things to get used to including being separated from my siblings. And since I hadn't been safe in my original home, it was hard for me to accept the idea that the new places were safe and it created a lack of trust in myself to create my own safe space. I know it doesn't make sense for a child to feel responsible for their safety but that's what it comes down to for some children because their immediate family is the source of their dangerous experiences. I'm convinced this is why I was sooo good at hide-and-go-seek as a 4 and 5 year old. There is a specific memory I have of hiding so well and even having the thought, "make sure you can't hear yourself breathe", that my younger sister actually got mad at me even though she was the one who suggested we play. So my fears, unsurprisingly and somewhat unhelpfully, come from a part of my life I have no memory of anymore.

New Trail Story

So today I want to share someone else's blog. One of the doubters I met on the trail wrote about me in his blog as one of the most inspirational people he met on the trail. He and his crew were highly skeptical about my ability to complete the trail. I cannot recall what cooking issues I had the evening we met but for some reason even after 500+ miles, he thought I seemed pretty clueless. Before this trek I had done 2 weeks in Maine and a ten day trip in Montana to do trail maintenance; however I will admit that after hiking all day on a questionable amount of sleep, I often do pretty dumb things just like everyone else who's too tired to think straight. As stated before, I knew I could do it barring any serious injury or long term illness because I know a thing or two about sticking through the rough times. The trail is a psychological strength test and I have been working that muscle for a very long time. Anyway here's the link if your interested on hearing someone else's perspective of Two-Pack. (In case you missed my trail stories, Two-Pack was my trail name.)

http://claybonnymanevans.com/the-trail-is-the-teacher-walking-living-and-learning-on-the-appalachian-trail/

Re-Purposing Pain

Lately I've been thinking about re-purposing pain. As I have stated more than once before, I feel as though I am meant to work with children because of the things I went through with my peers. It has occurred to me that one of the best ways to heal my childhood self and to have more love and compassion for my childhood self, is to aid other children through similar struggles. The more I recognize myself in them, the more I can do to help them and by helping them, I'll be healing myself of the intense feelings of injustice felt at that time in my life. Of course, now that I'm older, I can see some of them as smaller injustices than they had seemed at the time but I can still get so riled up about these incidents anytime I mention them that it's as if they all happened yesterday. However, when I don't discuss it for years, they all recede back into the recesses of my mind and I end up convinced that it's all been forgiven and forgotten. Some of them have been entirely forgotten and blocked out. For instance, I can't remember a thing about 4-H camp but my sister remembers having a hard time there too so it must have been a crazy time.

I remember someone starting a conversation with me during class and then the teacher called me out and had me look up "respect" in the dictionary during recess since I was talking while she was talking. So when in middle school, someone handed me a note in class, I did not hand one back for fear of a recurrence. During a science class in second grade, my group wanted me to get the ingredients for the experiment but they weren't going to let me do anything else. The teacher asked my group-mates what the problem was but never got my side of the story. I had told them that I'd get the ingredients if they let me participate in the experiment yet the teacher never bothered to ask me. I ended up furiously dashing across the room for the supplies and accidentally spilling one of the harmless chemicals onto the carpet.

In fourth grade, there was an intense Jeopardy game (Maryland edition) and we were put into teams to learn specific, yet seemingly random facts about the counties in MD and the county I got was Garrett. I worked for hours each day with my parents until I had the pages of facts memorized forwards and backwards. When the Jeopardy like game started I learned pretty quickly what the pattern was. The spokesperson for my team never selected the Garrett County category until it was the last one left and even then, someone else answered the question. I was foiled yet again in attempting to prove that I wasn't brainless.

These are the types of things that need healing in my life and these are things I am certain are happening every day all over the place. If I can play my part in preventing events like that by teaching children respect and encouraging teachers to get both sides of every incident so they don't risk outraging the child they're effectively ignoring. It's a bit demeaning to not bother asking what's going on in the mind of the troubled child. Just because it's not obvious to the observer, doesn't mean there isn't a solid reason for a child's disruptive behavior. Anyway, the point is, if I work with children and my compassion for them grows day by day, that means that my compassion towards myself will also grow. I'll understand my childhood self better and better the more I work with struggling children. Even those who are doing the ostracizing will help me forgive my peers because I'll understand that side a bit better. Understanding and forgiveness do not equate to condoning but it does make the space for healing to take place.

New Tidings

So a new house mate arrived a few days ago and we really hit it off. We had a long chat today about all kinds of things and then we biked through the parkway that I use to get to work. Last night she cooked an amazing and unique dinner and this morning I made blueberry pancakes as a kind of trade. I'm better with breakfast foods than with dinners and I wanted to contribute so that it wouldn't look like I expected constant feasts without something in return. But again, my limited kitchen skills meant that my options were slim. She had offered to cook and has mentioned that she often prepares extra proportions by accident anyway, so my concern may have been unfounded. But all the same, if someone cooks for you, you should eventually return the favor. Spending the time, energy, and money on meals to share is a commodity that should be exchanged so both parties can save some of their time, energy, and money.

It's been really therapeutic to have someone in this house who draws me out of my little cave while at home. The previous tenants had been equally uninclined as me to leave their dens aside from work and an occasional afternoon run which meant that all three guests/tenants never saw one another for more than a few moments and therefore never held any real conversations. When I find the right people, I can talk their ear off, otherwise some might think I'm mute. Well, that's an exaggeration nowadays but late in elementary and through middle school I didn't feel inclined to talk until we had a group discussion or when the teacher asked a question to the class. I never gave up the idea of proving my smarts and at my middle school graduation, I got the "math award" which was just a calculator somewhere between the original ones and the graphing calculators that are around these days.

Sorry for the directionless chatter but my screwed up sleep schedule has messed with my head...enough to get the crazy eye-lid twitch. On that note, I better go to bed. Good night world.

A New Perspective

As alluded to in more than one post, I recognize that I can be a bit egocentric and vain and I believe these qualities can be adopted both when you're used to being the center of attention and when you get used to exclusion. If there aren't a whole lot of people building you up, you end up working extra hard to build yourself up. Hence the striving. I was remarkably lucky to end up with the family support my siblings and I were lacking but due to circumstances I can't even remember, I was a shy kid with random tantrums or break-downs and it made it hard to make friends. Between that and how often I misread directions, I could tell my peers thought I was dumb. But I knew otherwise and strove to prove it, however every C I got could make me burst into tears. Finally, by fifth grade I had a better handle on some of my dyslexic problems and got put into a higher level math class. We had 60 second math quizzes and I was able to calm down enough to see the difference between ÷ and + because in math and in reading, the faster I'm trying to go, the more the letters, numbers or signs seem to change. Anyway, what I'm getting at is actually two fold. One, having to build your ego despite the circumstances can cause us do over do it and start feeling vain or conceited. Also, even though we all know the world doesn't revolve around any single person, being stuck in one body, only having one perspective can make you feel like no one else has ever gone through the shit you've been through and that everything appears to go around and around you. And that's something that has always bothered me about life. I want to see things from many perspectives, to know what the kids sitting on the other side of the room saw. I want to know what other people's internal monologues are about themselves.
This post isn't meant to put a glamorous spin on ego-centrism. My goal is to learn how to tight-rope walk on that razor thin line between self-confidence and vanity without falling off into the pit of self-doubt. It's a directionless pit beneath the tight-rope but hopefully it's never bottomless, because it would make it extraordinarily difficult to get back on the rope and try again.

Letter From My Future Self

The following is an assignment that was given by the person running weekly channeling sessions and classes. He told us to write as our future selves to our current selves. So hopefully the odd grammar and diction isn't too bizarre and annoying. Writers are often criticized for being egocentric, but we are no more so than those who try out on the Got Talent shows, we just have a more subtle method of trying to gain some attention. And for me, this blog and the possibility of writing an autobiography is about giving my life such an interesting twist that it will encourage others to embrace all aspects of their lives. Anyway, this is a monologue for another time; sorry for the digression.

Dear Self,
This is your future self and the view from here is amazing! I know it feels next to impossible to gain the self-confidence and to lose the fears and doubts, but I'm here to tell you it's not. In fact, in a way, you're already there. Since time is an illusion, you've already made it. It has been an inevitability from the start. Just keep sending your fears, worries, concerns, and doubts to God and he will or has replaced them with strength, courage, wisdom, and faith. Faith in the outcome, faith in our own abilities and that with or without the constant pitfalls, our healing process is always happening. I know it feels as though we keep relapsing back into old habits, but we are indeed moving forward and faster than you might realize. Start loving your quirks and send love and compassion to the qualities you dislike. As you're aware they came about from the times in our life in which we lost touch with the love that never left, with God who has always been there rooting you on and ensuring we stay on track for the greatness we're meant to achieve. It may not be on the grandiose scale we've been hoping for, but we'll make a huge impact on the lives we do touch. Hang in there and keep your faith. This wild ride will be great!

New Courage, New Winds

It has been a busy week and luckily I have a three day weekend without losing any money. And I say luckily because I have had too much on my mind to get recovered from a good long sleep. I've heard in more than one way that I need to stop holding back and that when I do I will amaze myself, but I have no idea where to start besides letting go. Letting go of the need for everything to be aligned, letting go of doubts and fears which I had hoped to eradicate while hiking last year. Don't get me wrong, things have gotten way better but there are still ways I hold back. I need to start planting seeds and networking and see where things lead, but I prefer to know what direction to go in over taking steps in random directions and hoping one of them will lead to something. It's hard for me not to see that as a waste of energy. But now that I'm writing this all out, I can see that it's also a waste of energy to be complacent with going all out at a job I have no intention of keeping forever since I'm not exactly passionate about it. Sure, I enjoy the exercise, but overall, there's no amazing pull to this job. I mean, I'm running a dining room and I'm doing really well at it but that's no where close to what my calling has been. I don't want to be stuck anymore, literally or figuratively. I want more out of my life and I guess that means facing fears with more gumption than I've had in a while. And about 80% of my courage was abducted when I lost the job at the Montessori school. I need to find a new wind to fill my sails.

Stalker

So there is interesting news to share today. A pattern has developed over the last 2 or 3 months. It started innocuously enough with this guy visiting Panera daily and then one day, he gives me his business card and asks me to call him anytime. A few days, or perhaps a whole week later, he asked why I hadn't called. Then, June 9th I left work at 5, came back to Down Town Silver Spring an hour or so later to meet up with a friend and saw this guy again. I kept an eye on him but once or twice he ended up a few paces behind me. Luckily it was a really crowded evening there but it was a bit unnerving. Today however was crazier. He came in and switched tables as he often does, and it always feels like he's watching me. Anyway, I left work and he offered a ride for the second time since he came about, and of course I declined, and about 30 seconds later I glimpse him half a pace behind me and I quickly maneuvered out of his way. If it had been a dark and empty alley, I could have been in serious trouble, but so far I've been able to count on the heart of Silver Spring having plenty of foot traffic and obviously, I don't tend to walk around in the dark. Tomorrow, I'm going to talk to a manager about banning him from Panera; it's gone way too far. I might even request to get the police involved since this is happening outside.