New Discovery

So I figured out this evening why there has been a feeling of intense insecurity around the beginning of each school year. The innate fear of new beginnings and the lack of faith I've had in myself to handle the new experiences most likely came from the few years I spent in foster care. Each new family brought about new things to get used to including being separated from my siblings. And since I hadn't been safe in my original home, it was hard for me to accept the idea that the new places were safe and it created a lack of trust in myself to create my own safe space. I know it doesn't make sense for a child to feel responsible for their safety but that's what it comes down to for some children because their immediate family is the source of their dangerous experiences. I'm convinced this is why I was sooo good at hide-and-go-seek as a 4 and 5 year old. There is a specific memory I have of hiding so well and even having the thought, "make sure you can't hear yourself breathe", that my younger sister actually got mad at me even though she was the one who suggested we play. So my fears, unsurprisingly and somewhat unhelpfully, come from a part of my life I have no memory of anymore.