New Courage, New Winds

It has been a busy week and luckily I have a three day weekend without losing any money. And I say luckily because I have had too much on my mind to get recovered from a good long sleep. I've heard in more than one way that I need to stop holding back and that when I do I will amaze myself, but I have no idea where to start besides letting go. Letting go of the need for everything to be aligned, letting go of doubts and fears which I had hoped to eradicate while hiking last year. Don't get me wrong, things have gotten way better but there are still ways I hold back. I need to start planting seeds and networking and see where things lead, but I prefer to know what direction to go in over taking steps in random directions and hoping one of them will lead to something. It's hard for me not to see that as a waste of energy. But now that I'm writing this all out, I can see that it's also a waste of energy to be complacent with going all out at a job I have no intention of keeping forever since I'm not exactly passionate about it. Sure, I enjoy the exercise, but overall, there's no amazing pull to this job. I mean, I'm running a dining room and I'm doing really well at it but that's no where close to what my calling has been. I don't want to be stuck anymore, literally or figuratively. I want more out of my life and I guess that means facing fears with more gumption than I've had in a while. And about 80% of my courage was abducted when I lost the job at the Montessori school. I need to find a new wind to fill my sails.