What's been coming up for healing lately is my inability to feel loved and to feel deserving of love. When I go into meditation and get the reminder that I am loved beyond measure, my ego's response is, "But why?" There's a portion of my consciousness that still feels incredulous about the idea that I could be loved. As I stated some time before this, my ego thinks that if my own biological parents couldn't love me, then clearly no one could. This doesn't mean that I doubt the love of my adoptive parents or my siblings...but it does mean that on occasion, I doubt the love of everyone else.
What's odd about this is that while I continue to condemn myself for being a survivor of trauma and for having all the idiosyncrasies that correlate to said trauma, I don't condemn anyone else for their traumas and their response to it. I don't see anyone else as less human due to their past. But I lost touch with my own humanness. My biological father had objectified me and shamed me in such a way that I never really felt like a person. To give an example, I usually feel a connection of some kind when I look others in the eye but when I look into my own eyes...there's nothing. No connection. No sign of self-love. I can't see joy or happiness, nor can I see any pain or sorrow in my eyes. When I look into my own eyes it almost seems like no one's home; I can't see the person behind them.
Dear Mother, Father, God, angels and ancestors, please grace me with your loving presence right now.
Dear Mother, Father, God, angels and ancestors, please surround me with your light, please infill me with your healing and envelop me in your love.
Dear Mother, Father, God, angels and ancestors, I find myself in the valley once again and ask you to please extend to me your guiding hands, that I may be lifted from the mire.
Dear Mother, Father, God, angels and ancestors, please heal the parts of my consciousness that continue to question your love for me. Please heal the parts of my consciousness that struggle to learn self-love.
Dear Mother, Father, God, angels and ancestors, please lift from me all the "reasons" I have for believing myself to be unlovable and undeserving of love. Please lift from me all my barriers to self-love.
Dear Mother, Father, God, angels and ancestors, please remind me that my past has nothing to do with who and whose I am. Please remind me of my holiness. Please remind me of my wholeness. Please remind me of my sacredness.
Thank You, God. Thank You, God. Thank You God.
Let this be so. And so it is.
Asé. Aho. Amen.
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