Re-Writing the Past

This is an exercise I learned this evening and I thought I should put it into words ASAP so that I can start practicing and letting go of all the things holding me back. This does not make a person delusional, but by restructuring our past experiences we can begin to heal the negative influences they've had on us.

What happened: I was abused and neglected as a child (pre-adoption) causing me to feel unloved, unlovable, invisible to others, helpless and lonely.

What I would have liked to have happen: A loving care free childhood in which my parents were able to provide the attention my siblings and I needed in order to thrive and who were able to control us without resorting to violence. (post-adoption)

What happened: Was left out and underestimated while working in groups

What I would have liked to have happen: Have my group mates give me the time I needed to read the directions thoroughly or even let me read them aloud and to politely correct any minor mistakes I might make.

What happened: Got verbally bullied by one of my bosses about my lax efforts when I was doing everything to the best of my ability and with fair reasons.

What I would have liked to have happened: Had a chance to talk it out with her so that she could shift her perspective of my work.

What happened: Was feeling as though I was being taken for granted at work when they continually scheduled me 11-5 when they and everyone else was aware that my co-worker could use a bit of help in the dining room in the mornings. I pulled my weight in a way that most of my co-workers don't and I was getting fewer hours than them.

What I would like to have happened (and is actually already starting to happen): They have me scheduled for 7-2 next week.

Just Another Free Write

So I've got a lot of stuff going on as you may have guessed. My sister and I went to the beach last weekend and I've just finished another 2 weeks of my 6-2 shifts. I've decided that I'll let someone else do it when these 4 weeks are over. It's getting harder every day and I recently did the math. Each container ways at least 40 lbs when filled to the top, which is a third of my body weight. (I found out when I learned that each one holds 4.75 gallons.) One Monday, I guess last week, I managed to lift them but I had to stack them, then squat to ensure that most of the weight went to my legs and not my back, then perform an almighty heave and hope that the cart wouldn't roll away since I can't see the lip of the cart. I lifted 6 out of 8 and swayed precariously twice, but then the following Tuesday, I didn't want to lift anything heavier than the rag I use to wipe down tables. Despite the success, I refuse to risk my well being to do that again. If I injured my back and or fell while trying to lift one of those things...
This is what they look like. They cover the length of my whole torso when I'm lifting them.


Anyway, I'm done with the daily weight lifting.

On a Netflix and chill note:
Another thing I got busy doing one night, when I didn't have to wake up early, was watch 6 episodes of Stranger Things. The only reason I stopped at 3 AM was because Netflix had a glitch and didn't show me the last two episodes or count down to the next one. It was immediately addicting and I'm very glad I decided to see it. Thanks to a fun conversation about the series with my sister in which we both discussed two totally different cliff hangers, I went and watched the remaining episodes. It was well written and well performed.

A Gift From the Trail

One of the new view points that has been my new constant companion is that even though I may need help performing certain tasks, my size does not make me weak. I have packed in as much muscle as my small frame can fit and it's okay to need help. Sure, less muscle mass means things are harder to lift for me than for others and if I had the job of bringing eight giant 5 gallon insulated containers of coffee to the AFI before the trail, I would have been embarrassed to keep asking for help each day. But I know my limits and am perfectly okay with them because being this small didn't stop me from the greatest adventure ever last year. Because of the trail, I know I am capable of grand things even though most people would never presume that I had it in me. While on the trail, I was becoming conscious of where my limits are and would sometimes surprise myself. In my 18 mile day in VT that I finished in just over 6 hours, the last stretch before the shelter included a particularly grueling uphill and I just kept saying to myself, "You're a horse. You're a horse. You can do this". This part had been more challenging because my weight had gone down to 107 when my prime hiking weight is 120, but I did it without injury. Like I said, I know I'm small but I've got more power in my limbs than most people would expect. I know most people have a completely different body image struggle and I'm sorry if you're just laughing at my post, but as I've mentioned before, I just want people to take me seriously and to avoid looking like an easy target to would be perps so I thank the trail for changing that particular mindset.

Certified!

So, for the last four weeks, not only have I been getting to work before dawn, but I have also been taking Wednesday night classes provided by my chapel in order to be a certified healer and to start offering healing to members of our congregation before the Sunday services. There were only four classes so we all got certificates last night. And actually my mom and I both took the class and were feeling a pretty unique blend of mellow euphoria. The classes were ending at 9 so when I had attended the first class, I was concerned about whether I would get enough sleep but falling asleep after 90 minutes of meditative blissfulness, the sleep I was getting tended to be more recuperative and restorative even if a bit shorter than I'd normally like.
I know I talk an awful lot about my sleeping and eating needs but it's an honest representation of what I tend to think about during the course of the day. I often find myself thinking or, when things are getting serious, even muttering that I'm tired or hungry. (The use of the word "serious" here is meant as a humorous exaggeration, in case the tone doesn't translate to the written word.)

The Eclipse and Living in the Present

So, I'm on my fourth week of early shifts and starting next Monday, I'll have a two week break before the AFI coffee runs start up again. I might be able to sleep in till 7 AM!
In other news, I did get a chance to see the eclipse yesterday but only three sightings of the first half from borrowing other people's glasses on my way back from work and then when I got home to my own pair, I saw most of the second half. Luckily, I also got to enjoy the crescent shaped shadows while walking the last half mile home from the bus stop. Whenever the sidewalk passed under a tree I slowed or stopped entirely to thoroughly enjoy the unusual phenomenon. There was another amazing sight to see when some clouds crossed over the sun and I could see almost the same image I would have seen with the special glasses and no cloud cover.
Shortly after the eclipse there was a brief rain storm that the sun had invited itself to. I had started reading Harry Potter on the covered back porch but kept putting the book down to watch the sun sparkle off of the rain and the shiny green leaves. There are moments that are too precious to miss even with a good book in hand and yesterday, I was making a conscious effort to notice them and to fully enjoy them as I had on the trail.
Most days I try to not only make the best of everything but to enjoy what I am doing and be 100% conscious of the present moment. I make jokes at work all the time; mentioning how some of the customers seem to be improvising with their dishes or leaving "presents" for me on the table when they leave everything instead of walking their dishes over to the trash can. If you haven't been inside a Panera, there's a double wide receptacle with a hole for trash on the left while portions on the right are designed to take dishes and silverware. I'm not criticizing, I am aware that there are those who honestly don't know how we work, but I can either be peeved about it or bring some humor to the situation. Like I've said before, I do a lot of damage control as I act like a babysitter for the dinning room.

Today, something else special happened. Someone felt comfortable enough to talk to me today about how, viewed from the back, a certain person had looked exactly like her late husband who had passed over 15 years ago and that she had been having this experience for a while now. The response I gave her, despite prefacing the statement with "maybe" had helped her. I had suggested that perhaps he was trying to give her permission to move on and before she left she asked if she could have a hug and of course I said yes.

Success!

Today marks the completion of my first week of 6 AM shifts. Next week they will have me start at 6:30 so I might minimize my lunch break and only take 15 minutes; anyway I can maximize my pay. This week I took the full 30 minute lunch break each day and ended up with a bit over 38 hours. We are providing coffee service for the neighboring theater while they host the American Institute of Radiologic Pathology (AIRP) and by we, I mean one person brews several batches of coffee between 5 and 6 and then I take the coffee over along with cups, lids, cream, sugar, stirrers etc by 7 AM. Then around 11, I tear it all down and restock for the next morning just before I go on break.

There are 3 more weeks of this then 2 weeks off followed by 2 more weeks. I've been falling asleep before 9 PM most nights since my alarm is set for 4:40. For the first three days, I made my breakfast (croque-monsieur) the night before and stuck it in the fridge so I could be out the door by 5. However for today and Thursday, I left at 4:50 so I could stop at the McDonald's across the street from the bus stop I go to. It takes me a good twenty minutes of walking to reach my ideal bus stop so I picked up a breakfast sandwich around 5:10. Over the weekend, I've got my alarm set for 6 AM so that I won't ruin my ability to fall asleep around 8:30 by Sunday night.

I'm a bit surprised I survived the week so well because, perhaps due to my apprehension of taking on this job, I caught yet another cold. Luckily for me it has been isolated to my throat and affects my voice but not my breathing so much. Every so often a deep breath causes a slight itching discomfort that precipitates a few coughs but I feel grateful that I can, for the most part, still breathe through my nose.

Sorry for the unnecessary details but I'm not filtering out my thoughts today. I've reached the point of not caring one reaches when they're at the end of their rope and their adrenaline has run dry. I'm done for the weekend and I've not a care in the world right now. Well, I guess just enough to add an apology as I have done... Anyway, til next time!

Writing as a Form of Play

I've been reading a new book about the writing process entitled If You Want to Write by Brenda Ueland. Her take on it is amazing and I actually agree 100% with what she says. She says that we all have creative potential but that we consistently constrict it by claiming that we must sound a certain way or by fearing that we'll write something terrible. We also set limits by looking exclusively for extrinsic rewards for our craft when we actually can get plenty of intrinsic satisfaction. If we want to paint, sculpt, do wood work or write, we need to approach each art-form as a child would, from the energy of play. And part of this means that we also need to accept the fact that idleness is often part of the process. She states that we shouldn't fret if we sit in front of our journals or laptops gazing into space while we stroke our hair. Inspiration comes in quietly and if you sit and wait for it, your muse/inspiration might just start to slowly blossom giving you a grand idea to work with. Being alone and idle is good for the artist and the more we relax the more we allow things to flow.
In her classes she says she sometimes challenges everyone to write the most terrible story they can and surprises everyone when they find out that no one can. When you accept the idea of writing awfully, then suddenly you can't do it, but when we fret about it, all that we spew out is clunky, awkward or wordy. Although, she also turned it into a game so the whole room probably became very playful and relaxed.
Another interesting thing she talks about is that readers know when the writer is being insincere or dishonest. And by this I mean, whenever the writer is trying too hard for the reader to reach a certain conclusion. They want the reader to see their hero as ________, ________, and _________ so they do everything they can to make it clear to the reader instead of allowing the flow and the pace of the story to gradually reveal those qualities. Doing things like this will make the reader doubt the writer's descriptions. Writers need to write what feels true to them and recognize that what feels true today might not feel true tomorrow because our flow of emotions is constantly evolving.

English Poems from College

Masterpiece

The wind encourages the water to dance
sending ripples across the bay.
The sun and wind work together
to create and display.

While the sun sends its light to the water,
the wind wrinkles it,
causing the bay to flicker
with the sun's brilliance.

Puddles and Droplets

I notice as I bike on past,
puddles of water smother the grass.

I notice as I speed on by
shimmering droplets fall from the sky
creating stars that appear and vanish
within the blink of an eye.


May Day Poem

The sun peeks it's head over the horizon
As if cautious of it's arrival.

The wind lends its energy
To the foliage above,
Stirring them awake.
As the lush leaves tremble
From the rush of the wind,
They whisper the coming of the Green Man.
Spreading rumors and telling tales,
An almost audacious breeze
Sends to all the trees
A promise of peace.

By now the sun is well above the horizon
And is spreading its expansive rays over the verdant valleys.

French Poems from 9th Grade

For my French class in freshman year we were given an assignment. Our teacher had us write our own poems in French. Now I'm not sharing this to show off. If you translate them, you can tell they're pretty weak since French, obviously, wasn't my first language. I'm actually sharing them for a friend of mine.
Also, just so you know, none of them have titles. Apparently I just numbered them.

Poem # 1
Qu'est-ce que tu aime?
J'aime gateau et chateau.
Qu'est-ce que tu as?
J'ai un chat tres beau.

Poem # 2
Qu'est-ce que tu aime faire?
J'aime faire de ski.
J'aime plonger.
J'aime fair beaucoup choses,
En l'hiver en l'ete.

Poem # 3
Le vent sur ma visage
Est libere mon espirit,
Ca fait moi senti jeune.

Poem # 4
Une bouteille du mercure
Renverser sur le sol.
Nous sommes sorties
d'un batiment en masse.

Poem # 5
Je veux une jupe verte,
mais c'est plus cher.
Je veux une veste jaune,
mais c'est trop grande.

Ideal Relationship

Today I wrote down a list of what I would be looking for in a relationship and how my life would change if there was true chemistry and a few really interesting things came up. I know I would want someone who can tune into my needs, not that I wouldn't communicate them clearly but if someone wants to prove they are interested, they should only have to hear them once. For me this means if I mention that an untidy shared living space causes anxiety, I shouldn't have to be the one who always has to bring up the fact that we need to do some cleaning. It scares me to consider living with someone I feel inclined to nag about dishes, laundry or clutter. I'm not a neat freak; my bedroom is an absolute mess. But when I was living with my now ex, I found out that sharing a living space seems to make me feel a much greater need for a keeping things tidy. For one thing, if you want to invite people over, you will save yourself a great amount of effort if you have been consistent in doing the household chores. You will even feel much more willing to invite others over if you keep your place clean.

I would want someone who loves and accepts my quirks and who can be patient when I go through my ups and downs. My approach to dating has always been to be the most honest version of myself. I refuse to pretend to be what I think someone else might want me to be because that's how you set your own trap. It's impossible to find the right match when every time you go on a date, you act like a completely different person in an attempt to impress the man or woman sitting across from you. If they don't like that I talk too much or that I seem to be able to inhale food at the same rate as their dog when I'm starving, then that's fine. If they don't appreciate my jokes or my ability to recite obscure British comedy, that's fine too. I'm looking for someone who loves the whole package and I'm aware that some of my quirks can be off-putting, but I'm willing to occasionally embarrass myself in order to find the right guy. No, I'm not playing how to lose a guy in ten days, I'm just not going to waste time and energy on creating a false pretense about who I am. There's one person at work who said to me that I'm still single because I'm too independent. Hah! We're in the 21st century, I would hope that there are some good honest men out there who are interested in independent women by now. Sure, I want to be taken care of, but there should be give and take in a relationship and the giving and taking should be occurring on both sides if that is not already clear.

Anyway, another thing I wrote was that when I find the right someone, I will dream bigger and go through life with carefree abandon; I'd be able to go with the flow. I want someone who can make me believe in myself on a whole new level. That quote, "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars" comes to mind. I want to brainstorm and co-create new adventures together. We're going to encourage each other to improve ourselves on a daily basis; I believe when you find the right person, the two of you will make each other feel inclined to grow, mature and blossom.

New Discovery

So I figured out this evening why there has been a feeling of intense insecurity around the beginning of each school year. The innate fear of new beginnings and the lack of faith I've had in myself to handle the new experiences most likely came from the few years I spent in foster care. Each new family brought about new things to get used to including being separated from my siblings. And since I hadn't been safe in my original home, it was hard for me to accept the idea that the new places were safe and it created a lack of trust in myself to create my own safe space. I know it doesn't make sense for a child to feel responsible for their safety but that's what it comes down to for some children because their immediate family is the source of their dangerous experiences. I'm convinced this is why I was sooo good at hide-and-go-seek as a 4 and 5 year old. There is a specific memory I have of hiding so well and even having the thought, "make sure you can't hear yourself breathe", that my younger sister actually got mad at me even though she was the one who suggested we play. So my fears, unsurprisingly and somewhat unhelpfully, come from a part of my life I have no memory of anymore.

New Trail Story

So today I want to share someone else's blog. One of the doubters I met on the trail wrote about me in his blog as one of the most inspirational people he met on the trail. He and his crew were highly skeptical about my ability to complete the trail. I cannot recall what cooking issues I had the evening we met but for some reason even after 500+ miles, he thought I seemed pretty clueless. Before this trek I had done 2 weeks in Maine and a ten day trip in Montana to do trail maintenance; however I will admit that after hiking all day on a questionable amount of sleep, I often do pretty dumb things just like everyone else who's too tired to think straight. As stated before, I knew I could do it barring any serious injury or long term illness because I know a thing or two about sticking through the rough times. The trail is a psychological strength test and I have been working that muscle for a very long time. Anyway here's the link if your interested on hearing someone else's perspective of Two-Pack. (In case you missed my trail stories, Two-Pack was my trail name.)

http://claybonnymanevans.com/the-trail-is-the-teacher-walking-living-and-learning-on-the-appalachian-trail/

Re-Purposing Pain

Lately I've been thinking about re-purposing pain. As I have stated more than once before, I feel as though I am meant to work with children because of the things I went through with my peers. It has occurred to me that one of the best ways to heal my childhood self and to have more love and compassion for my childhood self, is to aid other children through similar struggles. The more I recognize myself in them, the more I can do to help them and by helping them, I'll be healing myself of the intense feelings of injustice felt at that time in my life. Of course, now that I'm older, I can see some of them as smaller injustices than they had seemed at the time but I can still get so riled up about these incidents anytime I mention them that it's as if they all happened yesterday. However, when I don't discuss it for years, they all recede back into the recesses of my mind and I end up convinced that it's all been forgiven and forgotten. Some of them have been entirely forgotten and blocked out. For instance, I can't remember a thing about 4-H camp but my sister remembers having a hard time there too so it must have been a crazy time.

I remember someone starting a conversation with me during class and then the teacher called me out and had me look up "respect" in the dictionary during recess since I was talking while she was talking. So when in middle school, someone handed me a note in class, I did not hand one back for fear of a recurrence. During a science class in second grade, my group wanted me to get the ingredients for the experiment but they weren't going to let me do anything else. The teacher asked my group-mates what the problem was but never got my side of the story. I had told them that I'd get the ingredients if they let me participate in the experiment yet the teacher never bothered to ask me. I ended up furiously dashing across the room for the supplies and accidentally spilling one of the harmless chemicals onto the carpet.

In fourth grade, there was an intense Jeopardy game (Maryland edition) and we were put into teams to learn specific, yet seemingly random facts about the counties in MD and the county I got was Garrett. I worked for hours each day with my parents until I had the pages of facts memorized forwards and backwards. When the Jeopardy like game started I learned pretty quickly what the pattern was. The spokesperson for my team never selected the Garrett County category until it was the last one left and even then, someone else answered the question. I was foiled yet again in attempting to prove that I wasn't brainless.

These are the types of things that need healing in my life and these are things I am certain are happening every day all over the place. If I can play my part in preventing events like that by teaching children respect and encouraging teachers to get both sides of every incident so they don't risk outraging the child they're effectively ignoring. It's a bit demeaning to not bother asking what's going on in the mind of the troubled child. Just because it's not obvious to the observer, doesn't mean there isn't a solid reason for a child's disruptive behavior. Anyway, the point is, if I work with children and my compassion for them grows day by day, that means that my compassion towards myself will also grow. I'll understand my childhood self better and better the more I work with struggling children. Even those who are doing the ostracizing will help me forgive my peers because I'll understand that side a bit better. Understanding and forgiveness do not equate to condoning but it does make the space for healing to take place.

New Tidings

So a new house mate arrived a few days ago and we really hit it off. We had a long chat today about all kinds of things and then we biked through the parkway that I use to get to work. Last night she cooked an amazing and unique dinner and this morning I made blueberry pancakes as a kind of trade. I'm better with breakfast foods than with dinners and I wanted to contribute so that it wouldn't look like I expected constant feasts without something in return. But again, my limited kitchen skills meant that my options were slim. She had offered to cook and has mentioned that she often prepares extra proportions by accident anyway, so my concern may have been unfounded. But all the same, if someone cooks for you, you should eventually return the favor. Spending the time, energy, and money on meals to share is a commodity that should be exchanged so both parties can save some of their time, energy, and money.

It's been really therapeutic to have someone in this house who draws me out of my little cave while at home. The previous tenants had been equally uninclined as me to leave their dens aside from work and an occasional afternoon run which meant that all three guests/tenants never saw one another for more than a few moments and therefore never held any real conversations. When I find the right people, I can talk their ear off, otherwise some might think I'm mute. Well, that's an exaggeration nowadays but late in elementary and through middle school I didn't feel inclined to talk until we had a group discussion or when the teacher asked a question to the class. I never gave up the idea of proving my smarts and at my middle school graduation, I got the "math award" which was just a calculator somewhere between the original ones and the graphing calculators that are around these days.

Sorry for the directionless chatter but my screwed up sleep schedule has messed with my head...enough to get the crazy eye-lid twitch. On that note, I better go to bed. Good night world.

A New Perspective

As alluded to in more than one post, I recognize that I can be a bit egocentric and vain and I believe these qualities can be adopted both when you're used to being the center of attention and when you get used to exclusion. If there aren't a whole lot of people building you up, you end up working extra hard to build yourself up. Hence the striving. I was remarkably lucky to end up with the family support my siblings and I were lacking but due to circumstances I can't even remember, I was a shy kid with random tantrums or break-downs and it made it hard to make friends. Between that and how often I misread directions, I could tell my peers thought I was dumb. But I knew otherwise and strove to prove it, however every C I got could make me burst into tears. Finally, by fifth grade I had a better handle on some of my dyslexic problems and got put into a higher level math class. We had 60 second math quizzes and I was able to calm down enough to see the difference between ÷ and + because in math and in reading, the faster I'm trying to go, the more the letters, numbers or signs seem to change. Anyway, what I'm getting at is actually two fold. One, having to build your ego despite the circumstances can cause us do over do it and start feeling vain or conceited. Also, even though we all know the world doesn't revolve around any single person, being stuck in one body, only having one perspective can make you feel like no one else has ever gone through the shit you've been through and that everything appears to go around and around you. And that's something that has always bothered me about life. I want to see things from many perspectives, to know what the kids sitting on the other side of the room saw. I want to know what other people's internal monologues are about themselves.
This post isn't meant to put a glamorous spin on ego-centrism. My goal is to learn how to tight-rope walk on that razor thin line between self-confidence and vanity without falling off into the pit of self-doubt. It's a directionless pit beneath the tight-rope but hopefully it's never bottomless, because it would make it extraordinarily difficult to get back on the rope and try again.

Letter From My Future Self

The following is an assignment that was given by the person running weekly channeling sessions and classes. He told us to write as our future selves to our current selves. So hopefully the odd grammar and diction isn't too bizarre and annoying. Writers are often criticized for being egocentric, but we are no more so than those who try out on the Got Talent shows, we just have a more subtle method of trying to gain some attention. And for me, this blog and the possibility of writing an autobiography is about giving my life such an interesting twist that it will encourage others to embrace all aspects of their lives. Anyway, this is a monologue for another time; sorry for the digression.

Dear Self,
This is your future self and the view from here is amazing! I know it feels next to impossible to gain the self-confidence and to lose the fears and doubts, but I'm here to tell you it's not. In fact, in a way, you're already there. Since time is an illusion, you've already made it. It has been an inevitability from the start. Just keep sending your fears, worries, concerns, and doubts to God and he will or has replaced them with strength, courage, wisdom, and faith. Faith in the outcome, faith in our own abilities and that with or without the constant pitfalls, our healing process is always happening. I know it feels as though we keep relapsing back into old habits, but we are indeed moving forward and faster than you might realize. Start loving your quirks and send love and compassion to the qualities you dislike. As you're aware they came about from the times in our life in which we lost touch with the love that never left, with God who has always been there rooting you on and ensuring we stay on track for the greatness we're meant to achieve. It may not be on the grandiose scale we've been hoping for, but we'll make a huge impact on the lives we do touch. Hang in there and keep your faith. This wild ride will be great!

New Courage, New Winds

It has been a busy week and luckily I have a three day weekend without losing any money. And I say luckily because I have had too much on my mind to get recovered from a good long sleep. I've heard in more than one way that I need to stop holding back and that when I do I will amaze myself, but I have no idea where to start besides letting go. Letting go of the need for everything to be aligned, letting go of doubts and fears which I had hoped to eradicate while hiking last year. Don't get me wrong, things have gotten way better but there are still ways I hold back. I need to start planting seeds and networking and see where things lead, but I prefer to know what direction to go in over taking steps in random directions and hoping one of them will lead to something. It's hard for me not to see that as a waste of energy. But now that I'm writing this all out, I can see that it's also a waste of energy to be complacent with going all out at a job I have no intention of keeping forever since I'm not exactly passionate about it. Sure, I enjoy the exercise, but overall, there's no amazing pull to this job. I mean, I'm running a dining room and I'm doing really well at it but that's no where close to what my calling has been. I don't want to be stuck anymore, literally or figuratively. I want more out of my life and I guess that means facing fears with more gumption than I've had in a while. And about 80% of my courage was abducted when I lost the job at the Montessori school. I need to find a new wind to fill my sails.

Stalker

So there is interesting news to share today. A pattern has developed over the last 2 or 3 months. It started innocuously enough with this guy visiting Panera daily and then one day, he gives me his business card and asks me to call him anytime. A few days, or perhaps a whole week later, he asked why I hadn't called. Then, June 9th I left work at 5, came back to Down Town Silver Spring an hour or so later to meet up with a friend and saw this guy again. I kept an eye on him but once or twice he ended up a few paces behind me. Luckily it was a really crowded evening there but it was a bit unnerving. Today however was crazier. He came in and switched tables as he often does, and it always feels like he's watching me. Anyway, I left work and he offered a ride for the second time since he came about, and of course I declined, and about 30 seconds later I glimpse him half a pace behind me and I quickly maneuvered out of his way. If it had been a dark and empty alley, I could have been in serious trouble, but so far I've been able to count on the heart of Silver Spring having plenty of foot traffic and obviously, I don't tend to walk around in the dark. Tomorrow, I'm going to talk to a manager about banning him from Panera; it's gone way too far. I might even request to get the police involved since this is happening outside.

Worker Bee

So, today was pretty crazy in many ways. When I walked in early, as is my habit, I noticed the place was sub-par. All the tables were either being used or visibly dirty and I had to watch some people look around for a place to sit then go ahead and settle for a crumb filled table and wash it themselves. I get so worked up when I see the state of the place when I walk in. Sure, I could stop coming in early, but it's part of my plan so that I can eat moments before work thereby putting off my next full meal for the whole 6 hour shift. Apparently the person on the dining room 5 AM to 12 is not available for my 11-5 shift which is why things are stuck this way. She does work, but it seems she likes to do all the other tasks before wiping down tables and it just gets under my skin. Restaurants can't be all that inviting if the customers are seeing a dozen dirty tables. I wouldn't blame them for walking out if they can't find a clean place to sit. Anyway, as I've mentioned, I take pride in how I run things so I get carried away when it looks a mess even if it's not my fault.

The day was also was a pretty busy Friday once lunch time hit, and due to the fact that the dish washer was given some extra tasks this morning, the dishes got backed up early on and then on top of that, he was sent on a couple of catering deliveries so we continued to be behind. A manager had to pitch in to help him out when he returned from the second delivery. When it gets as bad as it got today, the dish washer has me wait for an extra half hour or so before bringing dishes back, which by the 12:00 lunch hour that's not a wise idea. So dishes were stacked high in the back of the house and they were getting stacked pretty high in the front as well.

On the up side, I found out I will be covering someone else's usual dining room shift Monday and Tuesday which means I'll get more hours! It will mean I will only have Sunday off followed by a six day week and I'm getting up at 5:40 for tomorrow's shift. We'll see how it goes. I could definitely use the hours though and I know I can usually maximize my energy rather well.

Excuses Not to Write

So, between my birthday and now, many things have been on my mind but none of them seemed worth mentioning partially because they were negative events that my consciousness magnified into reasons to remain unhappy. For example, my old phone crashed and died and could not be "resuscitated" with a factory reset or anything of the sort. Everything that wasn't on the SD card that I bought while in a town in Northern VA, was lost, including hundreds of trail photos. On top of that, no get together occurred with my Montgomery College friends, the reasoning different for each friend and partly because I was busy spending time at a Verizon store instead. Luckily for me, the phone was going to be bought by my immediate family (Mom, Dad, and my sister) and I also happened to choose the one free phone in the store. So there was some good that came of it.
I also tried to rescue the photos from the phone's SIM card with the card reader my friend gave me, but the darn thing swallowed it whole and hasn't given it back. (Yes, I like metaphors. Sorry if I'm overusing them; it's the poet in me.) Apparently, I might have needed some sort of adapter before beginning. I have been unable to give it up just yet though.

Then this past weekend, there was a new family emergency involving the poor health of one of my siblings that involved a 1:00 AM hospital visit and a few doses of morphine. So I've been spending a bit of time processing these events mutely....which of course, for me, is ineffective. I need to talk it out or write it out but my desire to not sound like a whining child wins out in times like this.

This is why some of my previous posts have been without focus. It's difficult to pretend you're focused on something you're not so you end up with some bizarre outcomes when you try.

Orange is the New Black

I know I don't normally do this but here's another unnecessary story to fill the gaping void I've left with my countless days off. 

So for about a week I binged this show and then decided I had to quit. I got all the way to season 3 episode 12 and then stopped cold turkey. It's a pretty good drama but it became too much. The type of empath I am, I get emotionally involved in the characters stories. While watching Silver Linings Playbook for the first time, the last 3-5 minutes of video footage where they're going their separate ways, I started pacing and saying "They need to go back to one another!" I knew they would, but watching them walk away was agony. Even when re-reading Harry Potter, whenever Severus Snape or Draco Malfoy was about to humiliate Harry I'd feel the need to skip that part thinking, I don't want to feel that way right now. So, for the show Orange is the New Black, when Daya had her baby that she agreed to give up for adoption, and when Daya's mother lied to the woman awaiting said newborn saying that the child died...I couldn't handle that for many reasons. Not too long before that, for a Netflix binger, we witness the situation the baby would have faced if sent to her Grandparents family where they used a gun as a way to control the behavior of a 12 year old. So I had to Google the show to find out if the baby goes somewhere else and I find out that since the would be caretaker gets arrested, the baby has to go into foster care and that Daya's mother gets out on early release and starts searching for her kids and grand-kids. That was a relief to a small degree but I didn't want to continue. The fact that Alex and Piper are on-again, off-again after the the BS they put one another through is odd too. They broke up for what feels like the last time, but I don't feel inclined to find out. I'd say I'm a fan, but since I can't commit without screwing with my own happiness, I can't say that honestly. Don't get me wrong, I managed to stay up all night once with this show. Not entirely on purpose, it just kind of happened and that wasn't good for my health either. If you know how season five ends fill me in. I can't get there the normal way.

More Dog Sitting and More Work

So I'm dog sitting at the usual place but this time there are 3 dogs and 2 three month old puppies so things are much more hectic. We have to put out a lot of clean newspaper twice a day for the puppy play pin, then walk the dogs, feed all five of them breakfast and dinner, give medicine to the elderly dog and feed the fish. Lots of things to do, but it's a nice place to stay for a few days.

So, tomorrow, I have my usual 7 AM shift tomorrow morning which is going to be so much fun! Hah. On the plus side since the District Manager felt I spent too much time brewing coffee on Saturday mornings, I'll have someone working with me starting at 8. Some weekends I'll have to brew a new pot or carafe every 15 to 20 minutes. Luckily this is usually the case for only one or two types of coffee at a time. I was very glad that he appreciated my good faith effort enough to make that suggestion because I run around like a crazy person some Saturdays. And actually, I'm trying to work on slowing down so that I can lessen the risk of running into people; there have been a lot of near accidents but I can usually stop on a dime thanks to my "safe-step" work shoes. One other reason that I work so hard is because I enjoy it to a degree. It's like a gym membership that I get paid to join and then I, for the most part, sleep better afterward. and I've figured out a way to sneak to the back for a bite or two of some stored away food so I can keep going for the whole six hours Tuesday through Friday.  This job has allowed me to keep all my gained muscle mass from the trail and I know this because my weight has been between 122 to 123 and because my arms and legs are still solid. I'm sorry if I made anyone jealous by mentioning my weight, genetic disposition and the need to exercise. I literally can't sit around all day without feeling nauseous and as I've mentioned today, I like exercises and physical challenges...which you also could guess from the fact that I hiked the Appalachian Trail.

Speaking of challenges, hopefully, I'll get enough sleep and caffeine to get me through the day without feeling overly drained.

Sibling Rivalry with a Political Twist

So, today I'm going to talk about something I never planned on sharing but it has effectively wormed it's way into my head. My brothers were raised born-again Christian and believe the Bible to be an accurate history book instead of a book of parables and proverbs that has been translated dozens of times. It has caused a number of painful Facebook conversations, with one brother in particular, that end up miles long and go nowhere. We can never concede a "winner" unless you count the one who always has the last word. Mostly I let him because it conserves energy to not read his answers or respond. Plus I never feel the need to respond if I have no idea what he said; so we both can feel like winners. He thinks the liberals are the ones feasting on a diet of alternative facts while I, obviously believe it to be the other way around. He trusts the Bible as more factual than than he trusts the studies of hundreds of scientists from around the world when it comes to the discussion of climate change. And somehow he doesn't see what's wrong with having a President Trump. So today I sent him the video of a man talking about the changes in the healthcare bill as being the single greatest threat to his family with the following message:

You think Trump's version of Obama Care is actually better? He's been making decisions that aren't in the best interest of 99% of the US population. A clear sign of a sociopath. Literally killing millions of people who can't dish out thousands upon thousands of dollars to even try to save their loved ones and thereby stripping citizens of financial security. We've been living in a country where families risk ending up homeless to pay for health care and sometimes still lose their loved ones so they go broke and lose a family member at the same time and probably can't afford the funeral. Obama was trying to fix that but the Reps stonewalled him. So yes, Obama care wasn't great but it saved lives better than Trump "Care". I don't think Trump cares about a damn soul other than himself and to me his decisions prove it. If you don't see it, stop trying to talk to me about my posts. You can't/wont change your mind any more than I can/will and I'm learning to accept it. I hope you can too.

But, apparently he wants to keep writing under my posts because he needs to correct my missteps and help prevent me from spreading misinformation. Pah-lease! No one else I know believes they have to do that to their friends. I mean, for an occasional unintentional sharing of a fake article, sure. But this is ridiculous. I've asked him on more than one occasion to stop but he loves being the thorn in anyone's side. He loves pushing buttons until you snap. So again, I'm ignoring him. Something I learned to do with my sister years ago (only when she was intentionally bugging me of course!) but it's much harder when the person holds beliefs that are keeping America stuck in the past. I hope one day down the line, he'll see sense but I won't hold my breath. I don't want to block him/unfriend him because one, he's my brother and two, I don't want to appear to wimp out and let him win. But if my friends think I need to for their sake and for mine, I would do it anyway. It will most likely make face-to-face encounters more uncomfortable, but it would be easier to do for my friends' sake than for just my own.

I know I'm not the only one with a family split along the Great Political Divide, but I felt the need to get this out of my head for once. I recognize that we both think the other to be an idiot living in a fantasy world devoid of facts and I'm working on accepting that, and for me that means I need space from him. It's hard work to ignore someone like him, but it's better than engaging.

Work Ethic; Why I Work Too Hard

So last night's post was a prime example of why I don't write on the days I don't have ideas. It was meaningless drivel if not at least, hopefully, slightly interesting. I much prefer to have an intent behind it, a reason to be sitting in front of a keyboard besides to blather on. On that note, tonight I'm going to intentionally waste some time talking about work ethic.
I believe my work ethic came from fear of being seen as expendable. While at work, I become an obnoxious perfectionist in some ways while at home, I lounge in front of Netflix or YouTube despite the clear need to tidy up my room. Throughout school, I strove to prove that I wasn't as brainless as I sound when I have to read aloud. Despite reading on my own all the time, the moment I read out loud, I start stumbling through the sentences. You can imagine that since I felt like a pro at reading to myself, I wasn't nervous about my ability to read aloud until the day I had to do so. In middle school, I had finished saying the word photograph, then realized there was a "y" at the end and decided to just add the "e" sound to the end of what had just come out of my mouth. You can imagine how that went over.
Anyway, back to the work ethic I maintain at Panera. Since I had practiced running a two story Panera solo for a few months, this Panera feels like a breeze. Still plenty of work especially on Saturdays, but at least I don't spend several minutes a day on stairs or elevators. Recently, I had a new-hire tell me about how so-and-so was asking him "Why can't you be more like Charlotte? You're slacking too much. She's always in the dining room doing what needs doing." Why he was letting me know about this, I have no idea, but I assured him that I'm not working so hard in order to raise the stakes for others, but in order to make sure I'm needed or at the very least, that they see me as an asset. I want to do everything I can to make the place presentable to the customers continually. Not just when it's easiest. I don't want them to be sitting down looking at dirty tables any more than I want them sitting at a dirty table. They should be seeing me scurrying all over the place bending over backwards to make the place run as smoothly as possible. I've had customers tell me they miss me on my days off. It's important to work hard when running a dining room. If you're ever wondering what to do, wash the windows. If it takes 5 minutes for the coffee to brew, don't stand there waiting on it, go do more things. I always do 2 or 3 tasks and then go back to wiping the tables down. I never wait for anything besides the bathroom and I rarely check my phone.
I enjoy busy days because time moves along faster and because I enjoy the physical challenge of being everywhere at once performing various modes of damage control.

A Singularly Directionless Free Write

Lately, I've been practicing sending love to myself by picturing me at the age of four when I first visited my current parents at the house I ended up growing up in. Since I consistently notice how much my heart swells when I see children and how much joy they bring me, I decided to send love to my four year old self. It's easier to send love to the childhood version of yourself than to the one you see in the mirror. Don't get me wrong, I admit to occasionally admiring my well toned arms and shoulders while looking in the mirror, but admiring your physique doesn't equate to loving yourself.

Personally, I like to reassure myself that even though I weigh next to nothing, I could give someone the surprise of a lifetime if they tried to pick on me. In fact that was one of the messages I got at last week's healing circle. I was told that sometimes people underestimate me. That particular thought goes through my head all the time whether consciously or subconsciously which is why I continually bike without holding onto the handlebars. It's not just about showing off, it's my bizarre way to try prevent people from pegging me as...I guess I'll use the word soft... I want to continue to feel 100% capable of anything and for me that means that's what I've got to portray, because I want other people to believe it too. For most of my life, I've been worried that no one could ever take me seriously; that small as I was, I could be the perfect target. Has anyone else ever felt that if you couldn't find some kind of ace (or mace) up your sleeve, that someone could just pick you up and carry you away? I mean if you don't pose a threat to anyone, then anyone could take advantage of that and that's a scary thought. Luckily, I don't live in that labyrinth of thinking anymore.

On a higher note, I went to another healing circle tonight and got some good energy flowing. My state of meditation was deeper this evening than it has been and it felt so peaceful. One person said that while my hands were on her shoulders she felt like she and her chair were melting into the floor, my energy flow was so powerful. Now, the energy isn't taken from one person and given to another, we're conduits for the energy to flow so it's shared throughout the room and multiplied. It's not a finite supply that we're giving away which is why it's always very refreshing and rejuvenating. Each week I hear a message on how deeply connected I am with nature and that the connection goes both ways. They often see images of a forest with the sounds of birds while working on me. Anyway much of this has been on my mind and I keep asking: Who am I? What am I? I'm asking this on the level of the soul, not the physical self. What's my soul here to do? What am I going to be able to do to improve the life experience of others? I'm seeking the layers of my soul instead of the layers of my ego.

Favorite Fantasy Writers

When I was in my early teens, I came across a series called The Chronicles of Ancient Darkness by Michelle Paver. The first book in the chronicles was entitled Wolf Brother. Since my last name used to be Wolfe and wolves happen to be my favorite animals, I picked it up off the shelf in a now deceased Borders book store and started to read. With her very first line, she had me hooked. It read "Torak woke with a jolt from a sleep he'd never meant to have." That was a very clever way to get a reader to care about the main character right away. It takes place in a fantasy world greatly inspired by Native American culture and, to this day has been my favorite off the radar series. Her titles are also amazing and I appreciate the fact that she never puts "The" at the front of the titles. The books following Wolf Brother are: Spirit Walker, Soul Eater, Outcast, Oath Breaker, and Ghost Hunter. In each of her books, the chapters consistently end in cliff hangers and once the rest of the characters come in, she'll follow 2 or 3 for a chapter, leave you hanging, then pick up the next chapter with a different set of characters so the next thing you know, you have two cliff hangers to demystify and you eventually feel as though you might just have to finish the book in one sitting. Paver successfully made her story into a vivid dream as Anne Lamott mentions as a goal to have when starting your book.

The author Alison Croggon also has written a great series called Pellinor, but since I've only read that once, all I can say is that I really appreciate her unique take on a magical world and the fact that the heroine is able to fight the evil that threatens the land because the antagonists had assumed that her brother would be the powerful magician that might destroy them. I love when assumptions made based on gender are proven wrong.

Of course, as I'm sure you've been waiting to read, I also love J. K. Rowling's amazing series immensely and I think she definitely wrote the best double agent character story ever by getting the readers to trust Harry's instincts about Professor Snape. I love that she wrote such a complex story line that she had to write some story-line out of order.

Holding Fast to a Vision

Last Sunday, I asked the senior minister if there might be anything I should know going into my coming year and he said simply that I should hold fast to my vision and not let any wind sway me. Thinking on it, I was suddenly lost. Which vision should I hold onto? Going to school? Joining the Peace Corp or AmeriCorps? Or the craziest one of going to France to learn French? I've been wanting to become fluent in French and feel inclined to immerse myself in it. Although I took French for 6 years from middle school through high school, this is by far the easiest one to feel swayed from. Where's the money going to come from? Do I even have the skills to act the part of a miser in a foreign country for a couple months? Will it actually help me locate a more precise direction to focus my energy in. Currently all I know about my calling is that I will be working with children, likely children with special needs but when and in what capacity, I don't know. I was briefly working at a Montessori School and had thought that was going to be my direct line. Little did I know there was to be yet another detour in store. They say life is more like a labyrinth or a spiral staircase than a straight line, always circles and U-turns.
Lately, I've come to recognize that I'm still hung up on the outcome of my last college experience. Between the near loss of a family member followed by a professor who knew my situation yet was unwilling to lend me a hand, I can't tell if I failed to get my education degree because it wasn't the right time or if it wasn't quite the right field. I don't want to go into it again and fail again. (I ended up with a General Studies Bachelor Degree.) I want to know what I'm doing and where I'm going when I go back to college as well as earn the scholarship money. Hence all the big dreams of places to go and things to do. It's not only to bulk up my resume. It's to bulk up my life skills and to create a fully formed vision of what I want to do with my life in order to help children through arduous times.
At this moment, I just don't have it. I can't even pull my focus in to put together a simple party for the weekend. I just want new experiences so I've chosen to go with the flow the way I did in the White Mountains so whatever happens, happens and it will be beautiful no matter what.

Frequent Colds and the Elusive Sun

So I finally figured out why I'm getting sick all the time and why I had a long lasting cold the last time I lived where I'm living now. There's black mold in my basement. Luckily, I live in the clean half, but it's growing in the laundry room on the washing machine and in the sink that the machine drains into.
I know I can usually trust my immune system because after a foot surgery I had when I was 20, I was cooped up in a house where both my mom and my sister had an awful bout of the flu. I stayed healthy during and after the exposure. Since I started high school, I rarely caught anything more than a small cold or allergy related issues. The one time I had serious symptoms, it turned out to be a ruptured cyst, which is why I was surprised that I caught 2 colds in the last 2 months.
Black mold exposure causes cold like symptoms as well as headaches and chronic fatigue. Specifically, it affects your mucus membranes, so your eyes might feel irritated as well. Luckily, I did some research and there are ways to clear it out of your system without looking for prescriptions. I've already had 3 or 4 of them yesterday. Raw garlic and oregano oil are potent anti-fungals but they can also kill bacteria. Chlorophyll was also on the list. They recommend cutting sugar out of your diet and to drink herbal tea and bone broth. To get rid of it around the house, you can use white vinegar or hydrogen peroxide and of course follow that up by adding a dehumidifier to the affected room.

In other news, the last few days have been amazing. Having the sun out and seeing the beautiful blue sky, I was feeling rather euphoric that the rain stopped for more than 10 hours. The last couple weeks in May felt like April and it started feeling like the sun was a very occasional visitor. Having always lived in a state where it rains once a week or once every two weeks, it was depressing to feel like I was living in Seattle, Washington. I've been able to bike to work since the sun came out; I don't like risking splashing muddy water onto my pant legs while biking through the inevitable puddles. I might have even gotten a bit of a tan yesterday which is always pleasing since I'm, practically speaking, nearly as pale as Snow White and am so prone to sunburn I can get one while watching half a football game.

What to Write?!? Apparently, More on Writing and Hiking

I've been at a loss lately on what to write about. I know I could recite more of the writing tips from Anne Lamott or about how I don't know what to do for my birthday next weekend even though I have a few ideas. I want to do something with family and another something with friends and I always try to do new things each year. Nothing on my mind strikes me as worth writing about except the tips I read from  Bird by Bird so here goes.
Lamott wrote about how we can gain a lot of insight about ourselves as we write but she also stripped away much of the romanticism we like to place on it and on getting published. I'm very grateful that she does that because as with hiking a trail like the AT, you won't get very far into your first book if you've over-romanticized the process. When people think it's just a walk in the woods with only pleasant scenery, comfortable weather and perfect terrain, and when they believe they should pack deodorant, you question how far they're going to get. If I look at writing and hiking for six months in the same light, I can see that writing with the goal of getting published could be plausible but that it would help if I didn't think about the end result day in and day out because during my trip I very seldom thought about Katahdin and how I just had to see it soon or else... I just accepted the hiking and camping lifestyle as my new way of life until ...whenever. I never concerned myself with how long I was taking, I never felt the need to push harder so I could finish sooner and the Virginia Blues were not a thing for me. I couldn't have cared less that I was still in Virginia after a month, every day was a new day and they each brought new wonders every time the sun came up. The only problems I had with VA was having that unknown awful illness while scaling down Dragon's Tooth after hiking for 12+ miles and not having a view from McKafee Knob or Tinker Cliffs.

Anyway, here's hoping that my writing's worth reading. If I could get published great, if not, still great.  I've got this silly blog at the very least.

A Stream of Consciousness on Healing Circles and Yoga Nidra

Due to my continued struggle to find what the next chapter should be, I've gone to a couple healing circles in the last two weeks. Last Wednesday, I got a message from one of the reiki masters saying that my soul is ageless, that though I may only be turning 25, I've been old before. This week, I got quite a few useful messages. One being that my crown chakra is closed and that it needs to be open for me to find clarity. Another being that I will be sorting through my akashic records in order to figure out where I will most likely go in this lifetime. Akashic records are our previous lives. I recognize that most readers are likely to leave this page here and now because for many, reincarnation does not ring true as it does for me. As mentioned in an earlier post, when I first learned of it, I thought, of course! I just feel like I've been here before struggling through the same murky BS trying to find a niche to fit comfortably into. Can't explain why, just a feeling I can't shake. Anyway, I was also told to have faith that I will be at the right place at the right time.

Another thing I've been adding to my nightly ritual is a 20 minute yoga nidra meditation. It's the perfect thing to do right before bed because it's super relaxing, you get to do it lying down, and means yoga sleep. It's guided and they always have you relax a part of your body at a time until you've relaxed all your fingers and toes and facial muscles. You become completely aware of your body and how your pulse feels running through your hands, your torso etc. Then you come up with a positive intention which you say (in your head) in the present tense three times. For me it's been, "I'm the embodiment of complete health" since I'm still working on kicking this cold out. I used this meditation in the months leading up to my six month hiking trip with the thought "I am discovering the best version of myself on the Appalachian Trail". And since I was obsessed with the idea that I needed this trip,  I would say it way more than three times.
Oddly enough, these guided meditations can be found on YouTube, not that anyone's interested. But if there happens to be just one person who is, you're welcome.

"Bird by Bird"

Sorry for the extra long hiatus. I was swept away by the daily grind and then got stuck in quite a rut. Every day for the last two weeks I thought about writing in a blog post and every day, decided not to, or at the very least by the time I seriously considered it, it felt much too late to be staring at a computer screen. Now I've got a new cold and have been downing Kombucha and green tea and in the last 24 hours I've added NyQuil and DayQuil. I'm doing everything I can to kick it so I can survive the 7 AM eight hour shift tomorrow.
Anyway, I've started reading a book called Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott and she has some great insight about writing. It's a huge relief to know and to be reminded that writers known and unknown struggle through painfully terrible first drafts. Another piece of advice I really appreciate is when she compares writing to driving in the dark with your headlights on. Despite only seeing 20 to 30 feet ahead of you at any given time, you can still make it to your destination. This gives me some hope for if and when I try my hand at writing a novel but I'm going to start with the story I lived through before delving into a new fantasy world. She also recommends writing at the same time each day so that your mind might begin to be prepared for the hour or so of creativity.
A few weeks ago, I had written up a post but it got deleted before I could upload it. I'm mentioning it because the message in it is worth sharing. At this Chapel that I mention from time to time, they often talk about how we are all already perfect, whole and complete. Ever since I completed the trail, I have been more and more accepting of that truth. Many of the lessons at this chapel can only be learned incrementally and I would have been unable to see them for what they are without having first completed the trail. Of course, believing in souls and reincarnation also helps me avoid the possible cognitive dissonance. Anyway, I had written that all of the turmoil I have gone through in this lifetime haven't been disproving the idea that we are perfect, whole and complete, they've been proving it. I've always searched for things to be happy about knowing that even when circumstances aren't favorable, there might be something coming tomorrow that will make me smile and maybe even laugh. Our hardships aren't meant to break us down, we get to choose how they mold us, whether we'll make something exquisite or be whittled down to nothing. I see life as a riddle of a kind; this sounds like a non-sequitur but hang in there. We can often use our past experiences to direct us toward a path we're passionate about.
Be that as it may, a whole lot depends upon how connected we are to our higher selves or our spiritual being. We all have the human propensity to follow all the life advice our egos have to offer without considering either the source or the repercussions. And since the ego has such a strong hold over our thoughts, our spiritual side can almost never get a word in. How many times do we ignore our intuition and have it bite us? Our souls are perfect, whole and complete and the more we try to connect with them, the smoother this ride will be and the happier we'll be. If you are already doing something you're passionate about, chances are you've been listening to what your soul has to say; be sure to keep it up.

I Take a Stand and Let Go

Not exactly sure where today's post is going to go but it's about time to write again. Time has been slipping away like a rug from under me. I've been busy either working, babysitting, or recuperating. I started getting a sore throat last night from burning myself out. Luckily that's still the only symptom.

Yesterday, I finally talked to one of the managers about putting me back into the dining room because I am done trying to rush through prep work and finding that I can't seem to finish in the 8 hours allotted. I am physically unable to stay for another 12 hour shift and I am unwilling to feel pressured to stay way past my scheduled time to finish a job that takes me twice as long as it should. I stayed til 3 yesterday and they let me go even though I hadn't finished since one of the managers promised to work with me to make sure I could leave on time. Three o'clock wasn't on time but it was as good as I could hope for given some unexpected distractions pulling the managers away. Anyway, it feels good to know that I won't have to deal with prep work much longer and I think I broke away the chains of toxic beliefs by standing up for myself. For most of my life, I have felt that it isn't worth trying to stand up for myself because of a few core beliefs adopted while in elementary school:

1. “Life isn’t fair”
2. “You’re not worthy enough to ask for x, y or z”
3. I need to pretend I don’t want anything more so I won’t be disappointed

Even when I made had made a reasonable request in college to re-do something to get half of my lost points back, since I was declined, it destroyed any opportunity I would have had to move on at that point. Instead, my ego was able to use that incident as proof that it would never be worth standing up for myself. This moment has been a long time coming. Over the last few weeks I've gotten better and better at standing in my own power and feeling as though I can ask for small things like rides to places or for small favors at work. But now, I've gone a step further and asked for something I need even though I had been the one to offer to do prep. That there was another would be road block; the false belief that since I had asked for it, I have to stick with it.

On an entirely different note, today I'm attempting a 24 hour juice fast. As someone who feels like not eating for more than three or four hours is a fast, it will be interesting to see how this goes. I woke up around 8 and had tea and a coconut flavored Bai drink. So far, I'm doing alright. I think work has taught me how to handle hunger and subdue it to a dull ache instead of a raging, anxiety filled feeling of starvation. Not sure how the transition occurred but it has and I'm grateful. Part of my technique today will be to drink so much that the liquid will prevent the experience from becoming overwhelming. If I find that I need something more later on, I will likely go to Smoothie King with my babysitting money and get a protein filled shake thereby fulfilling my caloric needs while still keeping away from solids. But who knows, I might make it without that.

Last night, since I wanted to wait til I read That Nature is a Heraclitean Fire and of the Comfort of the Resurrection by Gerard Manley Hopkins to write my next post, I finally googled the poem. It's a fascinating poem and it would have been great to have a Socratic seminar discussing it in college. I find that this poem is a lot like William Faulkner's work in that I would appreciate it a lot more after an in depth discussion on how others interpret the poem; I read some ideas online but it's not the same.

My Beliefs and Their Role in My Emotional Recovery

I've been spending a lot of time over the last couple days thinking about what new insights I could write about and the things that have been going round and round the most are how my beliefs affect my choices. The more they came up, the more connections I ended up drawing. Since it's mostly been an extended brain storm, I'm going to do the best I can to put this down in a way that makes sense. You may not have the same beliefs and think instead that I am crazy for holding these beliefs but it doesn't matter because all I am attempting to do is reveal another possible facet of reality.

So, to start with, when I was 14, I was introduced to the religion of Buddhism in two ways; in my cultural geography class and from watching "Little Buddha". In the movie there is a scene in which a Buddhist monk explains the concept of reincarnation to a westerner in a beautiful way. He pours out a cup of tea then deliberately drops the tea cup on the ground and says, "The body breaks, but it's still tea." Then he grabs some paper towels to mop it up and says, "Still tea." This scene really resonated with me since I never fully believed in Heaven or Hell. It's not just that I prefer reincarnation over the idea of Heaven and Hell, but I believe that since energy cannot be created or destroyed, our essence must go somewhere and if we're all souls having a human experience, why would there be a need for the separation once we depart. To me, a soul should not be condemned for the lack of communication taking place between it and the human brain. Since the brain creates the ego, it's hard for the soul to get a word in edgewise; we're more inclined to believe either all the bad stuff the ego made up to make us feel bad about ourselves 24/7 or that we're better than everyone else because of x, y, z. We also find it easier to believe that we aren't in control; we all know we can't control everything, but if we can control whether or not we respond to a situation instead of reacting to it, we'll be better equipped to navigate the rapids and avoid tipping over. We're the guides to our own boat but we often play the role of the people who frantically slap at the water with their paddles in fear and frustration.

Shortly after this discovery, I had an encouraging thought/realization/idea: If reincarnation is real, then I'm pretty sure I chose this life. I chose it knowing that it would be extremely difficult at first but that things would get better. This life is my project; I'm here to grow, to learn and to try to become the best version of myself which means I need to let my soul express itself to the best of my ability. Many times, I do quite well at it since my intuition and empathy have often been pretty reliable assets. Intuition and empathy are a soul's natural talents but we have to slow our minds down and relinquish the ego's control over our thought patterns in order to be able to hear what's getting picked up. Practicing these things doesn't make us enlightened but it's a place to start. If you want to do this without starting with meditation, try writing. It may sound crazy, but if you just do a 10 or 15 minute free-write each day, it will be a lot like doing a short meditation. This is because meditating is really just watching your thoughts without judgment and a free-write helps you do just that without as much effort as sitting quietly.

Because I believe in souls choosing lives, throughout the period of my identity crisis and intense bouts of depression, I knew I had to stay because I had to find out what new, better experiences I would make happen. I'm someone who feels the need to see this particular movie to the end. I want to keep collecting experiences, good and bad, so I can practice handling the not so pleasant ones and learn to fully savor the glorious ones. Plus, the more I recalled on this belief, the more empowered I felt and the less inclined I was to wallow in victim-hood. That said, I still got my hair cut rather short and decided to continue dressing in baggy clothes; but I guess those moves were empowering in their own way. With an androgynous appearance, I felt as though people might see me as more capable of taking care of myself. I thought if I looked a little more masculine, maybe weighing 115 wouldn't make me look helpless. Weird concept to consider, but that's what was going through my mind. I've kept the short hair but dropped the baggy clothes. Many people think I'm a lesbian, but many of the perceived "reasons" others see me that way are really the choices I made in order to make sure I come across as someone who can take care of herself. This is a big reason why I never make assumptions about another woman's orientation. That said, I've laughed a lot over the time one my bosses was surprised to hear about my boyfriend and said, "I didn't know you had one of those". Just because I find it funny doesn't mean everyone will.

We get to choose what to believe and I want to believe in something empowering; I want to see life as a mission with obstacles and rewards, challenges and perks. We are in control of our lives in a more intangible way than we thought. What's going to dominate our minds, our egos or our higher self? Do we give our egos the power of defining who we are? Whichever one has the reins will be mirrored in your reality. Do you want to respond, or do you want to tip the boat?

Another idea that came to me in one of my many dark hours was that most of us have a tendency to act like dung beetles clinging to bullsh*t convinced that it's our source of sustenance. To take this weird and uncomfortable metaphor further, the reality is that we're butterflies on flowers able to fly when we need to. (Insert the line from the crazy caterpillar in "A Bug's Life", "I'm a beautiful butterfly".) It took a long while for this belief to help me reconcile everything and let go of all the so-called "baggage" handed to me by my biological mother. But with the help of a good friend, I healed enough, and dropped my walls low enough to let someone in. Mind you, the first few people I started falling for were men I knew were gay or hoped might be bi. I will always want a sensitive, funny man over a stoic one.

The last thing I want to talk about is that I also believe that there are gay, bi and trans people on this earth for a very good reason. Those amazingly brave souls are here in order to help the human race become more tolerant or rather, accepting since to tolerate something means "to put up with" which isn't quite enough. (Tangent: that was my middle school experience. My classmates "put up with me" throughout 6th, 7th and 8th grade, but one day when I chose to sit with them, they all got up and went to another table and ended up coming back when I left the table.) We need to graciously accept the people in the LGBT community. They're on a cool mission to try to get their parents and their community to accept the differences they were born with. We're all part of the human race and having everyone trying to tell everyone else how to live their lives wastes a whole lot of time since there are many ways to live life and no one way is the best. As long as you are expressing yourself in a harmless way, then you're doing it right. I mean, as long as we're not physically or psychologically bullying others, we have a right to express ourselves however we want. We have to start accepting everyone because it takes other people's acceptance of us to allow us to feel as though we have permission to accept ourselves....at least, that's how I work...but I've been through a whole lot of emotional wringers so if you feel differently, please comment. I'd be glad to hear a differing perspective. Even if it's not how everyone feels, it's important to consider that this mindset could exist in others, so please be respectful to everyone you meet.

25 Before 25

Today I want to jump ahead by about 3 months because I've been getting overly eager for a certain event that is approaching quickly. I say quickly because the last 6 months have gone by alarmingly fast. In early June I will be turning 25 and I've put together a list of 25 things I've done already. All my life I've been consistently seeking out new experiences and since I've been saving my money from the age of 13, I've been able to pay for a few of them myself while the others are thanks to my parents....actually, all 25 of these are thanks to my parents because without their timely intervention, I would not have been able to accrue these kinds of adventures. Having been adopted is the reason I have a list like this and I am writing this as a thank you to them for their love and support. They've been a firm and steady presence in my life and I cannot overstate how amazing it feels to know that they chose us and thereby saved us from a scary situation. That action is what makes my sister and I want to be heroes in someone else's life and we can't thank them enough. Anyway, here's the list:

1. Volunteered for the Special Olympics
2. 10 days of Trail Maintenance in Montana
3. Two Week Backpacking trip in Maine
4. Been through each state on the East Coast
5. Did Hurricane Relief in Alabama
6. Did a service trip along the Underground Railroad
7. Camped in the Florida Keys
8. Broke the school record for the mile earning 2nd place
9. Hitch-hiked alone (more than once)
10. Worked at a Montessori School
11. Volunteered at Brookside Nature Center
12. Worked with Children on the Autism Spectrum
13. Visited France, Italy and Spain
14. Been on an overnight train
15. Been on a boat across the Mediterranean
16. Seen the Canadian Rockies
17. Saw four games of the Women’s World Cup in Canada
18. Been on a podcast
19. Started a blog
20. Moved out of my mom’s place twice
21. Gotten a short story published
22. Gotten two poems published
23. Learned how to play the piano in college
24. Climbed up Mt. Katahdin twice
25. Hiked the Appalachian Trail