Further Processing

    Someone I love couldn't see my truth soon enough. Someone I love assured me will-power would be enough. Someone I love remained blind to my inner world...remained deaf to my fears. Primarily the fear I had of my own mind...primarily the fear I had of my own emotions. This ignorance hurt us both.
    The reassurances were numerous enough for me to eventually chose to believe in my powerful will-power.* By becoming entranced by this falsehood, all the things I had already found in my subconscious returned there. By believing I was healed enough for will-power to be enough, I lost my true orientation. My brain was not yet capable of applying any long-term discipline. My tumultuous, all-consuming emotions were still inescapable.
    The fuse had been lit every time the truth of my inner world was minimized. The fuse had been lit by all those times I didn't feel seen. I tried to do the right thing. I tried to speak my truth the right way. But...without even knowing it, we weren't speaking the same language.
    Those erasures echoed the time I was silenced, the time when my trauma was ignored or minimized or...or whatever. The grenade was lit several times before it could not contain the explosion. And for that I am deeply sorry.

*I knew I was lying to myself, but I pushed that truth down too.