In the Hands of God

Whenever intrusive thoughts threaten my peace,
I shall place my past in the hands of God.
Whenever worries consume my mind,
I shall place my future in the hands of God.
Whenever shame or guilt or fear arises,
I shall place my heart and my mind
in the hands of God.

And while my past and my future,
my heart and my mind
rest in the hands of God,
I shall be able to move forward
with the unwavering certainty
that I am in good hands.

Whenever a current occurrence
triggers an old, deep wound,
I shall again place my past
in the hands of God.
I shall again place my future
in the hands of God. 

Whenever my ego interrupts my soul's intention,
I shall place my wounded ego
in the hands of God.
Whenever my sorrows and grief return,
I shall place them in the hands of God.
Whenever I lose faith, whenever I lose courage,
I shall place my heart, mind, and soul
in the hands of God,
and trust that I am in good hands.

Transforming Trauma

    Given that the healing process for those of us who have suffered from capital 'T' trauma is messy, grueling, and Sisyphean, I am still working on figuring out what steps I can take to change my relationship to the trauma so that I don't see the journey as intimidating and discouraging. It's difficult not to see it as a never ending uphill battle. It's all too easy to see trauma in terms of all the things it took from us and all the "unacceptable" flaws it gave us. We could try to say that it also gave us the building blocks for deeper levels of compassion and for greater patience. And yet we tend to lack self-compassion and patience with ourselves... Creating a list of positive things about the aftermath and the fallout of trauma seems impossible, but I think it is essential to attempt this in order to be able to consider the trauma as something that was "worth it". Life doesn't seem to be worth living after extreme trauma because as I stated before, it causes us to feel powerless and therefore purposeless.

'We Could Say'

What if we could say
that our wounds gave us wisdom...?
What if we could see
our trauma as the seed of transformation...?
What if we could say that our despair
taught us to see in the dark...?
What if we could see
that the weight of our sorrows
caused us to seek our inner strength...?

We could say that we learned of our courage.
We could say that we caught a glimpse of our true power.
We could say that we can now become beacons of light and hope for others.
What if we could call ourselves honorable warriors,
for continuing to shine our light
even as we feel trapped in the dark?
What if we could see that it's possible to transform trauma
into lessons and blessings worth sharing?

An Ego's Tantrums: A Prayer

My ego is throwing a tantrum, God,
because they believe they've been abandoned.
My ego is throwing a tantrum, God,
because they believe that others
had turned away from them and their suffering.

So please, dear God,
remind me that I am Your beloved
and that You could not abandon me,
that no one has turned their back on me.

My ego is throwing a tantrum, God,
because they believe their flaws are unacceptable.
My ego is throwing a tantrum, God,
because they do not feel cared for or protected.

So please, dear God,
remind me that I am
holy, divine, and sacred.
So please, dear God,
cause me to feel certain
that I am worthy
of Your care and protection.

My ego's throwing a tantrum, God,
because they're overwhelmed
by the constant weight of pain and shame,
by the constant weight of their troubles.

So please, dear God,
relieve me of my burdens,
take away these endless struggles.

My ego's throwing a tantrum, God,
because they believe they are not wanted.
My ego's throwing a tantrum, God,
because they feel all alone in a world of pain.

So please, dear God,
tell me I am wanted.
So please, dear God,
comfort me with a tender embrace
and tell me that I am not alone.
Please, dear God,
take me away from my world of pain.

Turning Sorrows into Songs

    The hardest job we will ever have is turning our deepest pain into something that blesses both ourselves and others. Our deepest pain, when addressed with tender, loving compassion, teaches us how to minister to our wounds and as we learn to do so, we will be able to teach others how to do so. But this transformation is extremely difficult. These wounds tend to create a sharp lingering pain. They tend to be re-experienced in the body in some ways. For me it's through something akin to endometriosis as well as problems typically associated with IBS. These phenomena cause us to feel that the pain never left us. One of my hunches about this is that the re-expressed pain is proof that our body is still grieving the trauma. My number one goal is to not add fuel to the fire by condemning my body for doing this. Let's just say, I have a ways to go before I am able to stop doing that...

I have tried to turn my pain into poetry,
but the heart-ache is still there.
I have tried to turn my heavy wounds into uplifting words,
but these wounds, they still sting and chafe and ooze.
I have tried to turn my sorrows into songs,
but the grief, it still returns.

I know I must have made strides,
but all too often it feels as though
my dreams and goals
have been swallowed by the tides. 

I am not admitting defeat,
just that I'm still a work in progress. 
I am not throwing in the towel,
just admitting that it's hard...
that it's almost always hard.
But that doesn't mean this journey isn't worth it.

There are dreams worth holding onto
and the dream of feeling whole and safe and worthy again
is a dream worth chasing.
There are dreams worth striving for
and the dream of creating a better world
is a dream worth following.

Just because your dreams feel improbable,
doesn't mean you should throw them all away.
Instead imagine how it would feel
if they were ALL already real.

Believe me, I know nothing is harder
than learning to fly
when you are still encumbered by the chains of the past,
but we must spread our wings anyway.
We must dream big anyway.
We must try everyday anyway.
For the journey will never be worth it
if all you choose to do is quit.

God the Gentle Father

When I go to bed at night,
I imagine that God tucks me in
with a blanket of light.

When I lay quietly, awaiting sleep,
I imagine that God tucks me in
with a blanket of peace.

I imagine God as the gentle father
whose strength gives me a sense of assurance,
a sense of security,
instead of a feeling of fear.

I imagine God as a comforting father,
who holds me, rocks me,
and caresses me
as He patiently waits for my tears to cease.

What caused my wounds may have happened in the distant past,
but their deep and profound nature left an impact that lasts.
Time created distance between me and my pain,
but time alone couldn't heal the rift in my heart.
Time alone couldn't cut the heavy chains
nor take away my deeply held shame.

So I have called upon God the gentle, comforting father.
I have called upon God the nurturing and compassionate father.
I see God wrapping me, swaddling me
in a blanket of love, a blanket of peace, a blanket of light.
I see God holding me so that my head rests on His shoulder.
I see God stroking my back tenderly
as I consider whether or not
I have shed the last tear.

Thank You, God for holding me in Your loving embrace.
Thank You, God for wrapping me in Your love, light, and peace.
Thank You, God for restoring the heart of my inner child.

The Wayward Path

    As with so many other survivors, I have often wondered why I am here. When the world tries to convince you that you are powerless, it leads us to believe our lives are purposeless. We cannot conceive of our purpose when we view ourselves as powerless victims. But our traumas should not be given the power to contain us, should not be given the power to diminish us. We are here for a reason and that reason doesn't disappear after trauma, it just feels that way. Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, talks about the importance of finding a purpose for our lives. I will never claim that everything happens for a reason, but I will say that no matter what you've suffered, make sure it didn't happen for no reason. Rise above and show the world how to be better. When you bear witness to the darkness and the nightmares that come with life, acknowledge it and say "I see darkness here and it is in need of light. I choose to be that light."

We are here to share God's peace.
We are here to share God's love.
We are here to share God's grace.

I have wandered the wayward path for so long,
I lost sight of myself and believed myself
to be unworthy of God's grace.
There seemed to be no way out,
so I began to give in to my doubts.

I have wandered the wayward path for so long,
I lost sight of my faith and thought
I would never find my way home.
There seemed to be no end in sight,
and I began to succumb to my plight.

I have wandered the wayward path for so long,
I almost lost heart. I almost lost hope.
I have wandered the wayward path for so long...
but I am beginning to see the light,
I am beginning to see myself as light.

I have wandered the wayward path for so long,
and discovered that I still carry within me
all that God is.

We have wandered the wayward path for so long,
but we are remembering our purpose.
We are remembering
that we are here to share God's peace,
we are here to share God's love,
we are here to share God's grace.

We shall look into the darkness unafraid
and say to it,
"I see that you are in need of light and I shall be that light."
We shall look into the hate-filled eyes of our enemies
and say to them,
"I see that you are in need of love and I shall be that love."
We shall look upon the nightmares of the world,
and offer them the dreams of heaven on Earth.

No matter what I see in the world, I will say,
"I shine a light upon the darkness
that others shall finally see the way home."

I Open My Heart

I open my heart to the healing grace of God.
I open my mind to the divine wisdom of God.
I open my soul to the infinite light of God.

As my heart fills with the healing grace of God,
my inner child's heart is soothed.
As my mind fills with the wisdom of God,
I begin to recall my true identity.
As my soul receives the infinite light of God,
I begin to remember my soul's purpose.

I open myself to receive God's peace.
I open myself to receive God's love.
I open myself to receive God's blessings.

As my heart, mind, and soul fill with peace,
my inner child is wrapped in God's peace.
As my heart, mind, and soul fill with love,
my inner child learns that she is loved, that she is wanted.
As my heart, mind, and soul fill with the blessings of God,
my inner child is showered with His grace and knows comfort.