Travel Bug

So in a previous posts months and months ago, I mentioned someone saying I should hold fast to my vision and I have decided to go to France for hopefully 3 months. Before you claim that this sounds careless, let me just say that whenever I entertained this idea, I got the same giddiness I had gotten before going on the trail 2 years ago. It's a very small thing, but to me it is a clear sign that I should follow my heart on this. I plan on using hostels and with any luck couchsurfing if I can figure that out. I've gotten my plane ticket for March 19th and the 1st three nights in Paris. I've done research on foreign health insurance, completed my taxes, started emptying my room  and giving away clothes I rarely use. My hope is that I can immerse myself in the language and culture. For me, the scariest thing about the trip so far is coming home and wondering what to do next. I would like to go back to school to get a masters in education and perhaps behavioral science. Or I could re-apply for Americorps.

Luck has been on my side with my preparations because, just like with the trail, I have again run into someone who has proven to be an immense help. He has family over there in 2 or 3 different parts of France and he's told me what Apps I should have on my phone in regards to maps and metro information. Also, my grandfather surprised me with some financial aid when he heard about this trip. I'm not saying that I'm loaded by any means but I'm almost where I was before I started the trail.

Re-Writing the Past

This is an exercise I learned this evening and I thought I should put it into words ASAP so that I can start practicing and letting go of all the things holding me back. This does not make a person delusional, but by restructuring our past experiences we can begin to heal the negative influences they've had on us.

What happened: I was abused and neglected as a child (pre-adoption) causing me to feel unloved, unlovable, invisible to others, helpless and lonely.

What I would have liked to have happen: A loving care free childhood in which my parents were able to provide the attention my siblings and I needed in order to thrive and who were able to control us without resorting to violence. (post-adoption)

What happened: Was left out and underestimated while working in groups

What I would have liked to have happen: Have my group mates give me the time I needed to read the directions thoroughly or even let me read them aloud and to politely correct any minor mistakes I might make.

What happened: Got verbally bullied by one of my bosses about my lax efforts when I was doing everything to the best of my ability and with fair reasons.

What I would have liked to have happened: Had a chance to talk it out with her so that she could shift her perspective of my work.

What happened: Was feeling as though I was being taken for granted at work when they continually scheduled me 11-5 when they and everyone else was aware that my co-worker could use a bit of help in the dining room in the mornings. I pulled my weight in a way that most of my co-workers don't and I was getting fewer hours than them.

What I would like to have happened (and is actually already starting to happen): They have me scheduled for 7-2 next week.

Just Another Free Write

So I've got a lot of stuff going on as you may have guessed. My sister and I went to the beach last weekend and I've just finished another 2 weeks of my 6-2 shifts. I've decided that I'll let someone else do it when these 4 weeks are over. It's getting harder every day and I recently did the math. Each container ways at least 40 lbs when filled to the top, which is a third of my body weight. (I found out when I learned that each one holds 4.75 gallons.) One Monday, I guess last week, I managed to lift them but I had to stack them, then squat to ensure that most of the weight went to my legs and not my back, then perform an almighty heave and hope that the cart wouldn't roll away since I can't see the lip of the cart. I lifted 6 out of 8 and swayed precariously twice, but then the following Tuesday, I didn't want to lift anything heavier than the rag I use to wipe down tables. Despite the success, I refuse to risk my well being to do that again. If I injured my back and or fell while trying to lift one of those things...
This is what they look like. They cover the length of my whole torso when I'm lifting them.


Anyway, I'm done with the daily weight lifting.

On a Netflix and chill note:
Another thing I got busy doing one night, when I didn't have to wake up early, was watch 6 episodes of Stranger Things. The only reason I stopped at 3 AM was because Netflix had a glitch and didn't show me the last two episodes or count down to the next one. It was immediately addicting and I'm very glad I decided to see it. Thanks to a fun conversation about the series with my sister in which we both discussed two totally different cliff hangers, I went and watched the remaining episodes. It was well written and well performed.

A Gift From the Trail

One of the new view points that has been my new constant companion is that even though I may need help performing certain tasks, my size does not make me weak. I have packed in as much muscle as my small frame can fit and it's okay to need help. Sure, less muscle mass means things are harder to lift for me than for others and if I had the job of bringing eight giant 5 gallon insulated containers of coffee to the AFI before the trail, I would have been embarrassed to keep asking for help each day. But I know my limits and am perfectly okay with them because being this small didn't stop me from the greatest adventure ever last year. Because of the trail, I know I am capable of grand things even though most people would never presume that I had it in me. While on the trail, I was becoming conscious of where my limits are and would sometimes surprise myself. In my 18 mile day in VT that I finished in just over 6 hours, the last stretch before the shelter included a particularly grueling uphill and I just kept saying to myself, "You're a horse. You're a horse. You can do this". This part had been more challenging because my weight had gone down to 107 when my prime hiking weight is 120, but I did it without injury. Like I said, I know I'm small but I've got more power in my limbs than most people would expect. I know most people have a completely different body image struggle and I'm sorry if you're just laughing at my post, but as I've mentioned before, I just want people to take me seriously and to avoid looking like an easy target to would be perps so I thank the trail for changing that particular mindset.

Certified!

So, for the last four weeks, not only have I been getting to work before dawn, but I have also been taking Wednesday night classes provided by my chapel in order to be a certified healer and to start offering healing to members of our congregation before the Sunday services. There were only four classes so we all got certificates last night. And actually my mom and I both took the class and were feeling a pretty unique blend of mellow euphoria. The classes were ending at 9 so when I had attended the first class, I was concerned about whether I would get enough sleep but falling asleep after 90 minutes of meditative blissfulness, the sleep I was getting tended to be more recuperative and restorative even if a bit shorter than I'd normally like.
I know I talk an awful lot about my sleeping and eating needs but it's an honest representation of what I tend to think about during the course of the day. I often find myself thinking or, when things are getting serious, even muttering that I'm tired or hungry. (The use of the word "serious" here is meant as a humorous exaggeration, in case the tone doesn't translate to the written word.)

The Eclipse and Living in the Present

So, I'm on my fourth week of early shifts and starting next Monday, I'll have a two week break before the AFI coffee runs start up again. I might be able to sleep in till 7 AM!
In other news, I did get a chance to see the eclipse yesterday but only three sightings of the first half from borrowing other people's glasses on my way back from work and then when I got home to my own pair, I saw most of the second half. Luckily, I also got to enjoy the crescent shaped shadows while walking the last half mile home from the bus stop. Whenever the sidewalk passed under a tree I slowed or stopped entirely to thoroughly enjoy the unusual phenomenon. There was another amazing sight to see when some clouds crossed over the sun and I could see almost the same image I would have seen with the special glasses and no cloud cover.
Shortly after the eclipse there was a brief rain storm that the sun had invited itself to. I had started reading Harry Potter on the covered back porch but kept putting the book down to watch the sun sparkle off of the rain and the shiny green leaves. There are moments that are too precious to miss even with a good book in hand and yesterday, I was making a conscious effort to notice them and to fully enjoy them as I had on the trail.
Most days I try to not only make the best of everything but to enjoy what I am doing and be 100% conscious of the present moment. I make jokes at work all the time; mentioning how some of the customers seem to be improvising with their dishes or leaving "presents" for me on the table when they leave everything instead of walking their dishes over to the trash can. If you haven't been inside a Panera, there's a double wide receptacle with a hole for trash on the left while portions on the right are designed to take dishes and silverware. I'm not criticizing, I am aware that there are those who honestly don't know how we work, but I can either be peeved about it or bring some humor to the situation. Like I've said before, I do a lot of damage control as I act like a babysitter for the dinning room.

Today, something else special happened. Someone felt comfortable enough to talk to me today about how, viewed from the back, a certain person had looked exactly like her late husband who had passed over 15 years ago and that she had been having this experience for a while now. The response I gave her, despite prefacing the statement with "maybe" had helped her. I had suggested that perhaps he was trying to give her permission to move on and before she left she asked if she could have a hug and of course I said yes.

Success!

Today marks the completion of my first week of 6 AM shifts. Next week they will have me start at 6:30 so I might minimize my lunch break and only take 15 minutes; anyway I can maximize my pay. This week I took the full 30 minute lunch break each day and ended up with a bit over 38 hours. We are providing coffee service for the neighboring theater while they host the American Institute of Radiologic Pathology (AIRP) and by we, I mean one person brews several batches of coffee between 5 and 6 and then I take the coffee over along with cups, lids, cream, sugar, stirrers etc by 7 AM. Then around 11, I tear it all down and restock for the next morning just before I go on break.

There are 3 more weeks of this then 2 weeks off followed by 2 more weeks. I've been falling asleep before 9 PM most nights since my alarm is set for 4:40. For the first three days, I made my breakfast (croque-monsieur) the night before and stuck it in the fridge so I could be out the door by 5. However for today and Thursday, I left at 4:50 so I could stop at the McDonald's across the street from the bus stop I go to. It takes me a good twenty minutes of walking to reach my ideal bus stop so I picked up a breakfast sandwich around 5:10. Over the weekend, I've got my alarm set for 6 AM so that I won't ruin my ability to fall asleep around 8:30 by Sunday night.

I'm a bit surprised I survived the week so well because, perhaps due to my apprehension of taking on this job, I caught yet another cold. Luckily for me it has been isolated to my throat and affects my voice but not my breathing so much. Every so often a deep breath causes a slight itching discomfort that precipitates a few coughs but I feel grateful that I can, for the most part, still breathe through my nose.

Sorry for the unnecessary details but I'm not filtering out my thoughts today. I've reached the point of not caring one reaches when they're at the end of their rope and their adrenaline has run dry. I'm done for the weekend and I've not a care in the world right now. Well, I guess just enough to add an apology as I have done... Anyway, til next time!