Denial Uncovered

Content warning: discusses past abuse/trauma
    I'm not sure why it took me this long to recognize the level of denial I have been in over the last decade, but, well, here we are. In elementary school, when I would review the few memories I had from my life prior to the adoption, I felt indifferent about them and took that as a sign that I was not a traumatized child. Despite connecting one of my oddest breakdowns directly to a trauma, I refused to label the recalled memory a traumatic one.
    Currently what has been going on is that I only count the sexual assault I survived as the trauma that is most affecting me and all the "smaller" ones were just unfortunate. It has come to my attention that it is most probable that I continue to feel indifferent about the ways in which I suffered early on because my ego quickly came to conclusion that whatever violence happens against me doesn't matter, because I don't matter. Now, had my soul been the source of the indifference, it would have assured me that none of the traumas that occurred matter because I am still a beloved child of God, I am still perfect, whole, and complete, I am still wholly holy. Why I have decided that only one of my traumas is impacting me is beyond me.

When the ego says: I don't care what others think
it is really saying: I don't care if what others say or do hurts me because I know I belong at the bottom of the totem pole.
But when the soul says: I don't care what others think
it is really saying: I know that no matter what others say and do,
I am still a beloved child of God.
I know that I am still wholly holy, still worthy.
When the ego claims fearlessness,
it is really saying: I don't particularly care if my parachute opens.
But when the soul proclaims fearlessness,
it is saying: I am certain that my parachute will always open for me.
When the ego is indifferent about past suffering
it is saying: What happened to me doesn't matter because I don't matter.
When the soul is indifferent about past trials it is saying: What happened to me doesn't matter because I am still perfect whole and complete, I am still loved and lovable.
When the ego embraces pain, it is saying: I accept this pain because I deserve it.
When the soul accepts pain it is saying: I accept the lesson this pain has to offer.

Dear Mother, Father, God, from now on let me choose the assurances of the soul over the wounding degradation of the ego. Dear Mother, Father, God from now on let me choose the faith of my soul over the dread of the ego. Dear Mother Father God, may I leave behind my denial today and accept that I have so much more to heal. I open to your healing grace so that you may heal that which I have covered over in denial. Thank you, God. Thank you, God. Thank you, God.