Blessing What Has Felt Disgraced

Today, I place upon the altar,
my heart, my past, my mind.
I place on the altar
all the parts of me
that I feel need God's Blessing,
all the places within me
that have felt disgraced.

My heart because it had
felt as though it should
want nothing from the world,
that it was not allowed to hold
wishes, dreams, or desires.
My heart because it had
been warned against the
audacity of hope and fairness.

My past because it had
given me the burdens of shame,
of guilt, and of constant anxiety.
My past because it had
caused me to believe
that I deserved nothing,
that everything good
came with a price.

My mind because it has
been a dark and winding labyrinth;
easy to get lost within its imposing walls.
My mind because it has
carried countless believable lies
about who I am.

I allow God to Bless that
which I've placed upon the altar,
and as his Divine Blessings
wash over my heart, my past, my mind,
may they each be freed from
the lies and falsehoods
they have carried.

And from this moment forward,
I shall internally declare
that I belong here.
When applying for a job,
or applying to a school,
I shall remind myself,
I deserve to be here
because I belong here. 

Slow Routes, Growing Roots

When a promising opportunity
abruptly turns into a closed door,
fear not that you've been led astray,
for there is and has always been
more than one way.

When things don't go according to plan;
when your plans go awry,
fear not that you've gone astray,
for there is and has always been
more than one way.

Whenever you go through heart-break or rejection,
be sure to stay the course.
Simply return your thoughts to Me,
and the course correction
will be made clear;
or better yet, you'll hear
that this "no"  is only a way
for you to be available
for a better "yes".

When you begin to feel too much time has passed;
when you begin to view yourself as far behind,
fear not that you've gone astray,
for there is and has always been
more than one way.

And though your route
may not look like anyone else's,
you are indeed well on your way.
"Slow and steady wins the race",
so doubt not your pace.

Often a seemingly slow
and circuitous route
is necessary for you to deepen
and strengthen your roots
so that the tempestuous winds
will fail to topple you.

Your strong roots will keep you grounded
through whatever the world throws at you
as you stake your claim, your place in the world.
They will enable you to keep saying "Yes!"
no matter who and no matter how many
would tell you "no".

This self-assurance, for most,
can only be gained on a seemingly slow,
seemingly directionless route.

So fear not that you've gone astray.

Re-Writing My Ego's Fiction

Before today, I believed myself to be
undeserving of good and unworthy of love.
My experiences have led me to believe myself to be
powerless and even incompetent
and therefore unneeded and disempowered.
Today I ask you dear Mother, Father, God
to replace these feelings and beliefs.

Please assure me that as a divine being,
as your beloved daughter,
that I am deserving of all things good,
that I am worthy of love just as I am.
Assure me that I do not have to do anything
to prove my worth to anyone;
for I am worthy in Your eyes God,
I am loved by You God
and may that be enough.

Mother, Father, God, Great Spirit, Our Creator,
please show me my divine, unquestionable power,
have me recognize my unique and valuable skills
so that I may view myself as competent.
My experiences have led me to believe
all these lies about myself.
And I ask you,
Mother, Father, God, Great Spirit, Our Creator,
to please re-write these core beliefs
so that I may manifest my greatest good,
my brightest future with You
instead of my Ego.

Mother, Father, God, Great Spirit, Our Creator,
may we rewrite "unimportant"
as "important and essential",
may we re-write "invisible and unheard"
as "leader, mentor, educator, counselor, and guide".
Mother, Father, God, Great Spirit, Our Creator"
may we re-write "unworthiness and undeservingness"
as "undeniably worthy and deserving of good fortune,
of prosperity, and abundance".
Where my Ego has declared me an "axillary piece"
write in "100% necessary, 100% wanted and needed".

My experiences have also led me to believe
I'd always be unsafe and that the only way
to feel alive was to feel anxious and stressed.
Re-write this with me, God,
as I now declare
that I am safe, I am secure, and I am peace.

What is One To Do?

What is one supposed to do about past trauma?
What is one supposed to do
when the pain of our past is so hell-bent
on haunting us? On robbing our peace of mind?

I have already tried denying
the truth of it for many years
until the information reached me directly
and confirmed that which I had
so fervently denied
with every fiber of my being.

What is one supposed to do about their past trauma?
What is one supposed to do
when the weight of the past is so hell-bent
on haunting us? On robbing our sense of self-worth?

I have already waded through
despair and had countless self-pity parties
before turning them into motivation for travel...
and yet it still returns.

I feel I have let go a hundred different times
and in a hundred different ways
and still the weight of it continues to return...
and always when I least expect it.

Am I to turn it into a badge of honor?
Am I to learn how to be proud
of having carried this heavy burden so well?
Am I to feel courageous
for having chosen such a life as this?
Am I to feel valiant
for not allowing the event
to corrupt my heart?

Perhaps I should aim to do all of these.
For a part of me knows
that I chose this life for a reason
knowing full well the risks that were involved.
Meaning that the pain of my past
was never a sign of my powerlessness.
A part of me knows that it has served a greater purpose
and that I am to learn how to become
greater than the summation of my history.

For no one is to be defined by any single event;
Who we are in this moment
involved countless trials and triumphs
and how we have chosen to carry them.

Stepping Into Oneness

Mother, Father, God, Great Spirit, Our Creator,
please erase from my consciousness
my feelings and beliefs
of shame, of guilt, of undeservingness.
Mother, Father, God, please replace
each of these with Your Healing Grace,
with Your Divine Love,
with Your Everlasting Light.

Mother, Father, God, Great Spirit, Our Creator,
please erase from my consciousness
each of my worries,
all of my anxieties.
Mother, Father, God, please replace
these with the Joy that is Your Eternal Peace,
with Your Timeless Wisdom
and with the certainty that Your Power
is My Power, is Ours.

Mother, Father, God, Great Spirit, Our Creator,
may it be that whenever I find myself in fear,
that I can and will remember
that I can enter my future as You.

Mother, Father, God, Great Spirit, Our Creator,
may I end my addiction to suffering here and now
by stepping into my true, everlasting oneness
with You and Your Grace and Peace.
May I end my addiction to stress and worry here and now
by stepping into my true, everlasting oneness
with You and Your Love and Light.
May I end my addiction to my ego's company and poor advice here and now
by stepping into my true, everlasting oneness
with You and Your Wisdom and Joy.

Mother, Father, God, may I feel fulfilled in this moment
as I permit and allow You to fill me
with Your Infinite Love and Compassion.
May Your gifts remind me of my sinlessness.
May Your gifts remind me of my divinity.
May these gifts remind me of my unquestionable
deservingness for all the GOOD You WILL for me.

Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you God.
Let this be so. And so it is. Amen. Aho. Asé.

A Time of No Direction

The intention behind this, as with many of my "downer" pieces, is to let go of the thoughts that would drag me down... So read no more into it than that.

I can't help but feel

that simply being

has no value

because it appears,

on the surface at least,

to equal a lack of purpose...

And that, to me,

would feel like a death sentence.

And on top of that my future continues

to appear to be a gaping void

full of nothing...

Nothing to do, nothing to be or become.

I can't see how I can fulfill my heart's desire.

I feel like I wasted a whole lot

of time, energy, and effort to get nowhere.

Why am I here if there's nothing for me to do?

How am I supposed to help others

when it seems I can barely help myself?

I'm 28 and I feel like I haven't done anything,

like I haven't accomplished anything.

It was easier to successfully travel

than to find and stay in a job I truly wanted.

Why do there appear to be

so many roadblocks to what I desire most?

My Dear Sister

To my kind and loving sister,
I want you to know
that I wish for you
all the happiness in the world
and perfect health.

To my wonderful, humorous sister,
I want you to know
that you mean the world to me,
that you bring me such joy
whenever we're together.

To my strong-headed yet caring sister,
I want you to know,
that I wish for you
to know, feel, and experience
perfect peace, contentment, and
pure, undiluted joy.

My dear sister,
please know that I
hold infinite love for you,
and know that I
admire your strength and fortitude.
Know that I can and would
walk to the ends of the Earth for you.

I live for your smiles and laughter,
and I live to support you
during each and every
one of your trials.

But I hold a hope in my heart
that you will soon find
a way to triumph
over all that ails you,
over all that saddens you.

My infinite love to you, dear sister.
May these blessings of
happiness, health, hope, and wellness
settle into your heart and soul.

Release Your Burdens

To those who have survived abuse,
the shame you've been shouldering
does not belong to you;
it is not yours to bear.
Release this burden of shame to Me.

To those who have felt abandoned
and now fear abandonment,
know that this is actually
a fear of losing love...
which, as the beloved and holy
child of God, is impossible.
Release this fear to Me.

To those who carry self-doubt;
though this may be something
others gave to you,
I assure you, it is not yours.
Release this burden to Me.

To those who have yet to experience self-love,
know that you cannot reach this experience
until you abandon your guilt and shame;
for these cannot coexist in your consciousness.
You cannot possess self-love
while falsely claiming guilt and shame to be yours.
Release these burdens to Me.

To those who have suffered,
your suffering does not make you unworthy,
nor did you suffer because you deserved to.
Your hardships, your ordeals,
are never yours alone.
And by sharing them,
you may well find that you are able
to comfort others with your
empathy and understanding
while gaining the loving
and uplifting support you need.

You may not be ready to know this,
but your hardships were chosen by your soul
so that you might discover
a circuitous route
back home to Me;
so that you might teach others
how to make their own way home.

So now that your moments of suffering have passed,
release your pain, release your guilt and shame to Me.
Release to Me your fears and self-doubt.
For none of these burdens belong to you,
My beloved and holy child.

To Set the World Free

If my joy, happiness, and freedom
are meant to be my gifts to the world,
may I then be reminded
that this means I not only
have permission to be joyous and happy,
but that I should be.

If my light, love, and peace
are meant to be my gifts to the world,
may I then be reminded
that I not only have permission
to be myself, but that I
should be myself.

May I be reminded
that You have a divine purpose
for me and that I cannot
fulfill this purpose
as someone else.

For I was led through ceaseless darkness.
I was led through deep and foreboding shadows
so that I could prepare a survival guide
and roadmap for others.

And You had held my hand the whole time,
though I did not know it;
so ensconced in my grief was I
that I failed to feel Your presence,
that I failed to feel Your guiding hand
and loving embrace.

All I could notice was
the ebb and flow of my tears
coupled with a cumbersome weight
resting upon my heart and soul.
Yet You were there,
moving through me
as I waded through my sorrows,
hoping against hope
that I would soon find someplace
comforting to rest.
For I knew I did not wish
to live in these dark and
troubled waters.

You were with me
as I strove to find
some small form of joy
that might, if only briefly,
lift my heart.
My days were long then,
for I often could not find sleep.
But upon looking back,
I know now, that it was You
who gave me the strength
I needed to succeed anyway.
I know now, that it was You
who brought deep
and lasting friendships to me
so that I could learn how loved I was.

Yet I did not feel Your presence
until I walked endlessly through
forests and rivers and mountains
and saw You in every creature,
in every flower.
And with every vista,
with every sunrise and sunset
I began to feel Your presence,
Your joy,
Your peace
settling more and more deeply
into my heart
where once laid fear, dread, and despair.

Until I traversed
many miles on foot and
saw You in everyone I encountered,
I did not know that You were indeed
looking after me.
For whenever I was in dire need,
you arranged a way
for my needs to be met.

As I steadily approach
my joy, my happiness, my freedom
and my own personal heaven,
I shall acknowledge that I
have been given the skill to mark the way
so that even though this path
has oft been shrouded by shadows,
those who wish to follow in my footsteps
shall be able to discern
which way to go, which way to turn.

If they can accept that
though life has not been easy,
it can be,
they will find freedom.
If they can accept that
this life was chosen by them,
they will know with perfect certainty,
that they have never been powerless.
And when we all find
what brings us joy, happiness, and freedom,
we shall then set the world free.

My Magic Friends

I have, at times, felt Broken beyond repair. I have, at times, felt As though my sharp, Jagged edged shards Kept people away. I believed that others, too, Saw me as broken beyond repair. Perhaps they did. And perhaps that’s why They chose to stay away…

But each of my friends seemed to
Possess some sort of wizardry
That empowered them To love my broken pieces.
My friends seemed to
Possess some form of magic
That enabled them
To embrace my sharp edges.
My friends showed me
That I could be loved,
No matter how I viewed myself. And for that, I must thank them.

My magic friends Gave me enchanted hugs. Hugs that smoothed my jagged Edges with love, Hugs that wrapped my hostile Edges with molten gold. So that eventually, With each progressive embrace, My pieces were being Put back into place. And for that, I must thank them.

My magic friends Blessed me with enchanted words. Their words of Kindness and assurance, Kept me on my feet When all I wanted Was to sleep the final sleep. Their words of love Stayed with me Long after we parted ways, Allowing what Had been my shards To settle into place; The gleaming gold Meandering between The numerous fragments Like endless estuaries Of a prodigious river, Flowing between mountains. And for that, I must thank them.

Stepping into Self-Love

I say I wish to be better
yet forget that I first
have to forgive myself
for not being so.

I say I want to love better,
yet forget to foster self-love
and to forgive myself
for withholding and denying
love.

I say I wish to listen better
yet forget that it's often
me that I ignore.

I do wish
to be better,
to love better,
to listen better.
But find that sometimes
I'm the person
who is hardest to forgive,
who is hardest to love,
who is hardest to hear.

Why is that?
Of all the people in the world,
I seem to like me the least.
How can that be?
I guess I just
have believed myself to be
more flawed than others.
More graceless and
imperfect than others.
More inconvenient
and annoying to be around...

So what can I do?
Find a way to forgive myself
for any and all transgressions
against myself and others.
Learn to love my imperfections,
even as I work to improve.
Learn to trust my voice;
both my silent intuition,
and my speech.

These aren't easy things to do.
But I remind myself,
that I don't wait for someone
to become "perfect",
flawless, or graceful
before I love them.

So why would I ever
withhold love from myself?
If I can acknowledge my shortcomings
without judgement
as I work on them,
I'll have taken a step
toward self-love.
If I can let go of my desire
to be understood by all,
I'll have taken a step
toward self-love.
If I can learn to trust my intuition
I'll have taken a step
toward self-love.

To Be Your Own Super-Hero

Whenever I find myself saying, "Haven't I been through enough", I hear the gentle, loving, yet humorous response of, "You're right. You have indeed, been through enough. So tell me, why are you again dwelling on all of your pain, when you could be living here, in this present moment?"

I breathe a sigh of relief and take a moment to let go of the past again. For the past no longer exists, and the pain in it has already served a divine purpose. So in this moment, I choose yet again, not to let the past have power over me.

It shall no longer make me feel afraid; it shall no longer make me feel abandoned. As I let it all go, I release the worries, the anxieties and the misgivings that arise from feeling unsafe. And in doing so, I am starting to become my very own super-hero.

All along my tangled and gnarly, twisted and winding, dark and barren road, I was and had always been the hero I was waiting for. I was the knight in shining armor sent to rescue myself. For I already held the light, I already had the knowledge and even the tools I needed to bushwhack my way to the promised summit. To the promised safety, comfort, and warmth of the love and light and peace of God's embrace. I always knew the way home. I always knew the way home.

Loving the Wounded Child

Today I send love
to the wounded child within me.
I give her a tight embrace
and tell her that everything
will be alright.

I comfort her
with whispered tales
of my adventures
as she sits upon my lap.
Her eyes close as she pictures
these places in her mind.
Her ear rests against
the beat of my heart;
a rhythm that assures her
that I still live for her.
A beat that assures her
that I have found a way
to carry the burdens this far;
that her horror stories
did not mark the end.

My wild journey,
I assure her,
was only this wild
because of the past
she so bravely survived.
The hard times
and good times
have since become one;
neither could have existed
without the other.
For I would not have been
spurred to travel
had I not suffered,
had I not experienced
such powerlessness.

So today,
I send love
to the wounded child within me
for being so courageous.
I bless her wounds and her scars.
I bless her tenacity,
her fortitude, and moxie.
I bless my soul for choosing this life
knowing the pain
it would have to endure
before being able to bring
comfort and solace to others,
for this was a divine choice
and I take this time to honor it.

Today I acknowledge
that despite surviving
very real traumas,
I have truly won
many lotteries in this lifetime.

Each of my surviving siblings
got adopted into safe and loving homes,
and though we were split,
we were able to see each other often.
I have had amazing friendships.
I had the inner strength
to ignore the doubts of others
and instead make my own slow way
to success after success.

The pain of the past
became a motivator
for travel and volunteer work;
I continually threw myself
into something bigger than myself
so I could make what difference I could.
So I could alleviate the suffering of others
with my love and compassion.
Today I send love to and thank
the wounded child within
for her resilience and strength,
for her courage and steel will
to defy the odds.

A Thousand Capacities

I wish you all could see
how far I've come to be here.
I wish you could see
the countless trials,
the plethora of triumphs
that brought me to this moment.

There was almost never a time
when I felt life was easy
and those times mostly consisted
of summers.
Summers in which
I didn't have to face
my teachers or my peers.
Anxiety was my constant companion,
an ever present undercurrent
which meant small inconveniences
could make me cause a spectacle
despite the fact that
all I really, truly wanted
was to remain invisible.

After a few years in school,
I started feeling indifferent
about my existence
and often wondered
why I was even here.
But despite the struggles,
I found I loved learning
even though I couldn't
always prove my intellect.

For one time,
in fourth grade,
I failed a five question
math quiz,
and yet the following year,
I moved up a level in math.

And this has been the pattern.
No one expects me to succeed until I do.
Even to this day,
I don't know what gave me the strength
to ignore the doubters
and keep my head down
until I could show them
that I had "a thousand capacities"
ready to spring up in me.

Perhaps my soul,
had been fully aware
all along,
of my true potential.
Perhaps my soul
has always been
the source of my strength.

Suicide Awareness

I've written this post as a way to honor all those we have lost to suicide this year and to those lost to suicide every year. And to anyone who stumbles upon this during a time of great suffering, please know I see you, I am you, and I love you. Please know that I have faced many of the thoughts and feelings listed below. Know that you have worth. Know that you are so loved and know the joy you have brought and continue to bring others just by being you.

                Dear World,

                      I'm so sorry to have left in a hurry,
                     but I felt all alone.
                    I felt like no one could see me,
                   like no one could hear me.

So I figured if I no longer exist to anyone,
then maybe it was time to go.
I know it wasn't fair to any of you,
but I couldn't take life any longer
because I couldn't feel alive.

                Being dead seemed better
                than being half dead.
                For nothing seemed to matter
                to me anymore;
                I couldn't see
                a future in which I'd be
                happy.

There seemed to be nothing
for me in this broken world.
There was no place for me;
none that I could see.
I swear I couldn't
find a way out.

                Who could possibly understand?
                Who would have the patience
                to listen to my anxieties?
                And how would sharing them help at all?
                Every lie that resided in my head
                would still be there,
                just as real as they'd be before.

I didn't believe that anyone
would have been able to find
the words to comfort me.
For there was no comfort in the world.
I felt that no one could possibly
save me, especially not from me. 

                Nothing made sense.
                Nothing seemed to matter.
                I'm truly sorry I did it
                but it's not your fault.
                I couldn't see straight;
                I couldn't see anything.
                I couldn't think straight.

What was a 25 year old like me
supposed to do in such a broken world?
What was the point
of my insignificant existence?
I couldn't come up with answers
to these and other questions.
Again, please don't blame yourself.

                My head was lying to me.
                It led me to believe all these terrible lies.
                That I was utterly alone,
                that no one missed me
                or thought about me.
                That no one would understand
                or even want to listen
                to my melancholy.

It also seemed to me
that receiving your assurance
would only make me feel bad
that I couldn't shake the sadness.
I was almost in a place where
I didn't want comfort
even if it did exist.

                I love all of you dearly and wish
                I could take this action back.
                But my battle was already lost.
                I was tired and could battle no more.
                I swear I tried, but I was just
                too tired to continue.

The demons in my head
got louder every day,
every minute.
They drowned out my sanity
causing me to lose sight of my reality.
I knew I was loved,
but didn't feel loved.
I knew I had my family's support
but felt that I couldn't trust it.

            I'm sorry I gave up the battle.

           The darkness won; I could see no sun.

           I'm sorry I gave up the battle.

          The darkness won; I could see no sun.

          I'm sorry I gave up the battle.

         The darkness won; I could see no sun.

A Bygone Age of Grief

A decade ago,
I began grieving my loss of innocence.
Until God reminded me
that I was and have always been
innocent.

A decade ago,
I began grieving my loss of faith.
Until God found a way
to restore it
in my mind,
in my body,
in my soul.

I grieved my brokenness,
for I felt shattered.
I grieved over my sense
of powerlessness
and insignificance.
Until God assured me
that I was perfect,
whole,
and complete.
And that I was loved
just as I was.

A decade ago, I began grieving
over my trauma tarnished
childhood.
Until God reminded me
that I still had experienced
wonderfully carefree times
as a child.

My prayers then
began "If there is a God",
and now they begin
"Dear Mother, Father, God"
And end with "Thank you, God"

Dear Mother, Father, God,
I ask that you stay with me,
today and everyday,
so that I shall never again
believe those lies.
I ask that you
continue to fill my mind
with the truth of my
power and divinity,
with the truth of my
perfection.

May I never again question
whether or not
I am Your beloved
child,
Your beloved
daughter.
May I never again
claim the victim-hood
identity as mine.
May I trust today and every day
that I always have
Your protection and provision
every step of the way,
every hour of the day.

May today mark this decade
a bygone age of grief and self-pity.
May the grieving reach its end today.

Thank you, God. Thank you, God.

Writing is My Lantern

Writing is my sword; the blade I use to slash through the belly of the beast, whenever the darkness threatens to swallow me whole. Writing is my life raft, keeping me above the waves whenever I find myself adrift at sea. Writing is my lantern that guides my steps through the impenetrable darkness. Writing gives me freedom and at times an egress. Writing provides a counterweight for the burdens I carry, until I find a way to let them go.

Alchemizing Burdens into Blessings

I've come to the crazy conclusion
that my trauma serves a divine purpose.
For I have taken the time
and made the effort
to find some way to alchemize
my burdens into blessings.

I allowed my loneliness
to empower me to reach out
and befriend those
who felt isolated by their awkwardness.
I allowed the imperfections
that I noted and disliked in myself
to be the very things that I loved about others,
and eventually recognized this
as a stepping stone to self-love.

My hardships, my trials and tribulations,
my struggles all have had
a divine purpose all along.
But I was too caught up in grief
and self-pity to see it.
The truth of this alchemy
can be seen in my poetry,
can be seen in my empathy.
The divine purpose was shown
every time I chose to reach out
to those who reminded me of myself.
The divine purpose was visible
every time I helped a child.
The divine purpose manifested itself
in the form of deep, lasting friendships,
in the form of the patience and compassion
I have for others.

Could it be that these challenging experiences
were digging a cavernous well within me
to be filled with love, light, tenderness, and grace,
enabling me to walk through life with compassion
as my knee-jerk reaction for every interaction?

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time,
I dreamed of having a life
other than my own.
Any other life would do.
I'd dream of being someone else,
of swapping with another,
or of reincarnating.
For death seemed
easier to face than grieving.
Death occurs in an instant,
grief can last a lifetime.

Once upon a time,
I felt like the only way
I could love myself
was to be someone else.
Once upon a time,
I despised myself
for all of my behavioral
idiosyncrasies.
I hated that I couldn't
get others to understand me.
I hated that I couldn't
pretend to be "normal",
though now I know
there's many more than one
definition of "normal".

From where I currently stand,
I can see that all of my
idiosyncrasies
stem from my early traumas;
the friction between me and my peers
also stemmed from these.
All of the reasons I felt I had
to hate myself
were the unwanted gifts
my biological parents
left me with.

But these unwanted gifts
have already been useful.
These traits I used to hate
have made me more patient
with children.
These traits I used to hate
have made me more empathetic
towards others.
These idiosyncrasies
that I used to despise
have become gifts for others.
For whenever someone displays
a behavior that I have noted in myself,
my first response is compassion
instead of judgement.
And that is no small gift.

And when I learn to love my story
enough to share it,
people will be comforted to know
that there is still hope,
even after trauma.