Suicide Awareness

I've written this post as a way to honor all those we have lost to suicide this year and to those lost to suicide every year. And to anyone who stumbles upon this during a time of great suffering, please know I see you, I am you, and I love you. Please know that I have faced many of the thoughts and feelings listed below. Know that you have worth. Know that you are so loved and know the joy you have brought and continue to bring others just by being you.

                Dear World,

                      I'm so sorry to have left in a hurry,
                     but I felt all alone.
                    I felt like no one could see me,
                   like no one could hear me.

So I figured if I no longer exist to anyone,
then maybe it was time to go.
I know it wasn't fair to any of you,
but I couldn't take life any longer
because I couldn't feel alive.

                Being dead seemed better
                than being half dead.
                For nothing seemed to matter
                to me anymore;
                I couldn't see
                a future in which I'd be
                happy.

There seemed to be nothing
for me in this broken world.
There was no place for me;
none that I could see.
I swear I couldn't
find a way out.

                Who could possibly understand?
                Who would have the patience
                to listen to my anxieties?
                And how would sharing them help at all?
                Every lie that resided in my head
                would still be there,
                just as real as they'd be before.

I didn't believe that anyone
would have been able to find
the words to comfort me.
For there was no comfort in the world.
I felt that no one could possibly
save me, especially not from me. 

                Nothing made sense.
                Nothing seemed to matter.
                I'm truly sorry I did it
                but it's not your fault.
                I couldn't see straight;
                I couldn't see anything.
                I couldn't think straight.

What was a 25 year old like me
supposed to do in such a broken world?
What was the point
of my insignificant existence?
I couldn't come up with answers
to these and other questions.
Again, please don't blame yourself.

                My head was lying to me.
                It led me to believe all these terrible lies.
                That I was utterly alone,
                that no one missed me
                or thought about me.
                That no one would understand
                or even want to listen
                to my melancholy.

It also seemed to me
that receiving your assurance
would only make me feel bad
that I couldn't shake the sadness.
I was almost in a place where
I didn't want comfort
even if it did exist.

                I love all of you dearly and wish
                I could take this action back.
                But my battle was already lost.
                I was tired and could battle no more.
                I swear I tried, but I was just
                too tired to continue.

The demons in my head
got louder every day,
every minute.
They drowned out my sanity
causing me to lose sight of my reality.
I knew I was loved,
but didn't feel loved.
I knew I had my family's support
but felt that I couldn't trust it.

            I'm sorry I gave up the battle.

           The darkness won; I could see no sun.

           I'm sorry I gave up the battle.

          The darkness won; I could see no sun.

          I'm sorry I gave up the battle.

         The darkness won; I could see no sun.